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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off my parents won't cancel their theatre trip & babysit?

301 replies

lechatnoir · 28/02/2012 20:45

DH & I have been invited to best friend's wedding overseas. We can't afford/didn't want to take our DC so before accepting we spoke to both sets of parents to see if they could babysit DC for the 2 days & 1 night we'd be away. My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel (they go at least once a month if not more & finance wouldn't be the issue) but DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights.

It's now 4 weeks until wedding & MIL called earlier to say she's been put on a waiting list for a minor op that if it went ahead before the wedding (quite possible) would prevent her coming as she can't drive for 6 weeks afterwards & there's no way they can get here any other way. So, I called my parents to explain but they're now saying they can't baby-sit as they're going out. I asked if they could reschedule but they said no. End of conversation. So, we might not be able to go to the wedding & if we do cancel, it could be very short notice so no chance of refunds not to mention very unhappy bride Angry

So AIBU to be totally fucked off that my parents won't cancel some crappy theatre 'do' & help us out?

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 01/03/2012 22:51

whethergirl Totally agree. I am astonished at the number of people who think that under these specific circumstances the OP is BU.

olgaga · 01/03/2012 23:31

Really, what does this theatre trip mean to them?

Good question! What if it's a theatre trip with their best friends? What if it's fully booked and can't be rearranged? What if it involves a friend's birthday or anniversary? Or it's something they've looked forward to for months?

We'll never know because OP appears not to consider their arrangements could ever be as important as her friend's wedding, and simply dismissed it as some crappy theatre 'do'.

Maybe they're just sick to death of OP and her entitled attitude, and the thought of a whole weekend and overnight with her kids makes them feel not just exhausted, but actually rather ill.

Or maybe they're thinking "No, we just can't do it, she's a big girl now and she's got to understand we won't always be here to solve her problems".

Either reason sounds fairly compelling to me!

NeverEverSometimes · 02/03/2012 06:25

Some people have nicer parents/ families/ friends than others. I wouldn't even blink about helping in these circumstances.

diddl · 02/03/2012 07:14

"but I do still feel that best friend's wedding overseas DOES trump regular theatre trip."

Hahahahahahahaha!

Of course if you could afford or were prepared to take your children, there wouldn´t be a problem.

empirestateofmind · 02/03/2012 08:09

I would help my daughter too under these circumstances. No question. One play is not as important as a wedding. Our family is a team and we help each other out when we can. One day I will not be able to help but while I can of course I will. I will not be able to switch off being a caring parent just because my children have left home. They won't need me very often but I hope they need me sometimes.

ssd · 02/03/2012 08:23

op. not once have you acknowledged this might be too ehausting for your parents and that could be behind their refusal

often older people don't want to face getting older and frailer so they dress it up as something else eg. theatre trip

you don't realise how you sound, going on and on about wedding abraod V theatres trip, like a childish game of top trumps, when you fail to acknowledge any other reasons why your parents have refused

thats why people are saying YABU, its all about you and what you want

no doubt you won't acknowledge my post, you'll carry on putting number one first

LongWayRound · 02/03/2012 09:12

I think there may be a generational difference at play here. When the OP's parents married, air travel was a lot more expensive (relative to income) than it is today, and only the very rich could have afforded to take a flight abroad just to attend a wedding and come back after just one night away. Maybe they just don't have the same assumptions about how much effort should be made in order for OP and her DH to attend the wedding. For instance OP, did any of your parents' friends marry abroad, and if so did your parents travel to the wedding? I'm pretty certain that my parents didn't. I doubt if they even travelled across the UK to attend weddings of friends or family.

MerryMarigold · 02/03/2012 11:02

ssd, the theatre trip was booked before the wedding came up, and they said they'd be willing to change it. However, the IL's stepped in instead, so they didn't have to. I really don't think it's about exhaustion!

Triggles · 02/03/2012 11:04

I do still feel that best friend's wedding overseas DOES trump regular theatre trip .

fatlazymummy · 02/03/2012 11:20

To be fair, I would have been prepared to try to help them out financially to take the children. I just don't agree with the 'didn't want to take them' part of the OP. When you choose to have children then you have to accept that sometimes life isn't just as much fun as it is without children, and that does include things like weekends and weddings away. This wasn't a childfree wedding so there were other ways around it.

fatlazymummy · 02/03/2012 11:24

I see triggles has come up with a solution. Get up off your arse and take your children to your PIL's.

MerryMarigold · 02/03/2012 11:26

GREAT idea, triggles. Take them to PIL's when MIL has just had an op because she'll probably be in a really great place to be taking care of 2 young kids. Hmm

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2012 11:59

I think OP is BU! She has known about this trip for sometime, her parents offered to cancel their theatre trip, but she got PIL to do it instead, telling her parents they didn't need them. So off they go & book their night out, safe in the knowledge they won't be needed. But now, she does need them & wants them to change their plans because she couldn't foresee any issues.

Now, call me stupid, but surely, for a trip like this...big outlays for travel, possibly new clothes, really wanting to go etc it would have been sensible to ask both sets of parents to be available?

So, PIL can do it, but ask mum & dad to do the theatre another time, (as they originally offered) just in case PIL became ill, had an emergency, so this never would have happened. One doing it, one on standby! I am having an op in April & dh is hopefully going to be able to take the majority of my recovery time (if not all) off work, but they are very busy atm, so I have put MIL on standby in case she is needed.

OP should have thought this out better, I believe she was so sure that her parents would come running as soon as any issues occurred, that she didn't bother having a plan B, she just assumed that they would drop all their plans to come running!

Original poster
lechatnoir · 02/03/2012 12:00

Ummmm actually my ILs couldn't have them even if we did want to take them and I only used the words 'trump' in response to other people using it!! Likewise there is no way I would take DC with us even if we could afford it as we have to be at the airport at 5:30am on Saturday & won't be home until 11:30pm on Sunday

ssd no need to take personal offense if I ignore you - there are nearly 300 replies now & I'm at work so can't respond to everyone Wink! My parents have not given any other reason for not helping - if they found it too much I'd hope they would tell me as much so I'd know not to even put them in this sort of position again. The last time they had them overnight they raved about how good they both were & what fun they had and 'we must do this more often' etc so whilst yes they were obviously tired at the end of it (I'm knackered at the end of a weekend entertaining 2 lively boys & I'm not in my 60's) I certainly didn't feel it was too much for them. They are far from frail & elderly otherwise I wouldn't even contemplate asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
lechatnoir · 02/03/2012 12:08

NO people my parents didn't wait to book until I'd made alternative arrangements or in fact offer to cancel initially - I ask if they were free, they said no, so I said no worries I'll ask ILs as they are due to visit around this time anyway to which my mum mentioned they would step in if we were really stuck. I can see now that my interpretation (ie try & see if IL's can have them as we're busy but if they can't we'll do it) was obviously wrong & presumptious and lesson learned.

DH is OK about staying behind so thanks for the responses & no need to disappoint BF.
LCN

OP posts:
Mrsgradgrind · 02/03/2012 12:08

Given your timings you wouldn't just be leaving your children for 2 days and one night - your parents would effectively have care for three nights. Sorry but you really do come across as a petulant child.

Maryz · 02/03/2012 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffy1234 · 02/03/2012 12:33

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but can't you take the children with you or if not just one of you go.

theonewiththenoisychild · 02/03/2012 16:59

Oh i see friends wedding trumps your parents enjoying their retirement does it? You sound like a stroppy teenager. Urghhh thats so unfair you i never get my own way anymore stomp stomp my life is so much more important than your long awaited retirement you worked all your life to get Grin YA still BU

Weddellway · 02/03/2012 18:29

Bit confused about the overseas bit? Have I read it wrong..we are talking about 2 days and one night?..so this isn't Australia..in fact with airport times etc etc must surely be quite close? It's just 'Overseas' sounds so dramatic...sort of adding weight to the argument of what a huge investment the OP has made! I'm sure if she has a non hysterical discussion with her parents and is prepared to be a bit more humble and gracious , something can be sorted. I'm also sure that if she showed them this thread they'd be mightily hurt.

sozzledchops · 02/03/2012 18:44

Take your children with you like we always had to do, never ever had the luxury of babysitters like you expect.

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/03/2012 19:56

You sound very spoiled and entitled. You would be tired if you had to do the run to PIL's but are ok with elderly PIL's doing it and then full on childcare. You dont want to take your DC with you so expect everybody else to step up and look after them! Words fail me.

I've not seen any posts saying you would rebook the tickets or refund them so they arent out of pocket either. Your parents have raised their children and should be enjoying themselves.

As for all the posts re no babysitting no old age care, if my DIL felt that if i wasnt at her beck and call i'd rather she didnt care for me in old age if that selfish.

hambo · 02/03/2012 20:09

YANBU
I'd change my plans for my parents in an instant if it meant I could prevent them missing out on a holiday, as I would expect they would for me. I'd feel very let down if they would not cancel a small event as in this instance.

I wouldn't want to take my DC with me on this kind of trip either - more fun for you guys!

ssd · 02/03/2012 23:47

op, you said in your op that you asked your parents to babysit one night and two days

but then you said "Likewise there is no way I would take DC with us even if we could afford it as we have to be at the airport at 5:30am on Saturday & won't be home until 11:30pm on Sunday"

so really you meant 3 nights (Friday, Sat and Sun)and 3 (plus) days ( drop off Friday evening,then Sat, Sunday and pick up on Monday sometime)

I presume the kids would stay at your parents Friday night to enable you to get to the airport at 5:30am on Saturday, the you'd collect them on the Monday as you won't be home till 11:30 on the Sunday night?

and you seriously aren't concerned this might be asking too much of your parents???

even you admitted " (I'm knackered at the end of a weekend entertaining 2 lively boys & I'm not in my 60's)"

see what I'm getting at??

Hmm
sozzledchops · 02/03/2012 23:56

I hope I could help my children out when I'm older but I have never expected this kind of help from my parents or the inlaws - they just wouldn't have been up for that level of caring for 2 young children, they would have found it exhausting.

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