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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off my parents won't cancel their theatre trip & babysit?

301 replies

lechatnoir · 28/02/2012 20:45

DH & I have been invited to best friend's wedding overseas. We can't afford/didn't want to take our DC so before accepting we spoke to both sets of parents to see if they could babysit DC for the 2 days & 1 night we'd be away. My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel (they go at least once a month if not more & finance wouldn't be the issue) but DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights.

It's now 4 weeks until wedding & MIL called earlier to say she's been put on a waiting list for a minor op that if it went ahead before the wedding (quite possible) would prevent her coming as she can't drive for 6 weeks afterwards & there's no way they can get here any other way. So, I called my parents to explain but they're now saying they can't baby-sit as they're going out. I asked if they could reschedule but they said no. End of conversation. So, we might not be able to go to the wedding & if we do cancel, it could be very short notice so no chance of refunds not to mention very unhappy bride Angry

So AIBU to be totally fucked off that my parents won't cancel some crappy theatre 'do' & help us out?

OP posts:
diddl · 29/02/2012 08:20

YABU.

It´s hardly your parents faults that the babysitting you have organised has fallen through.

Isn´t the "problem" that you "can´t afford/don´t want to take" your children?

Could your parents lend you the money to take your children?

Were/are the ILs doing the 600mile round trip?

Maryz · 29/02/2012 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 29/02/2012 08:30

TBH I can´t imagine accepting the invitation without taking my children.

And if I couldn´t then I´d decline tbh.

It is a quick turnaround-but I can´t imagine asking ILs to do a 600mile round trip either.

For me I think I would have just declined.

Mrsjay · 29/02/2012 08:52

YANBU to be annoyed at them but isnt there somebody else that could babysit on the sat night till they get back from their night out , I do think y a abit U to be totally fucked off with them as you sound expecting of your parents , but you are going to loose money , I think you should try and find somebody else to babysit so they can have their night out ,

flowery · 29/02/2012 08:56

A lively 2yo and 6yo for 2 days and overnight is a huge ask of anyone. My PIL have occasionally looked after my 4yo and 2yo for a few hours and are always exhausted. Mine are well-behaved but lively, although they don't wake up once in bed at all. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask PIL to have them for that length of time.

Any chance your parents would find doing that amount of care very tiring and would really rather not have to do it for that reason?

Of course if they happily look after your DC for extended periods of time including overnight regularly without problems then that's probably not it.

LIZS · 29/02/2012 08:58

yabu I don't think the frequency with which they do /don't go out is relevant. You agreed you didn't need them so they continued with their plans. It is pil's letting you down, try not to project your frustration at that onto your parents. Relying on them making a 600m round trip was always a risk and maybe the op won't be scheduled beforehand. It might be nice if your parents put their plans aside but they can't. Do neither of you have siblings you could ask ?

Hullygully · 29/02/2012 09:09

They are meany pants.

halcyondays · 29/02/2012 09:10

Yabu. Could you not just get a babysitter from an agency to cover the few hours when your parents would be at the theatre? But maybe, the gps aren't really comfortable with the idea of looking after their gc for 2 days. It may be disappointing but maybe after years of having to arrange their lives around their own dc, they don't want to have to do the same now their dc are grown up. It may be a crappy theatre do to you but maybe it's important to them. Attending a wedding is a social occasion, not an emergency and plenty of parents aren't able to go to weddings as they don't have any family at all who can babysit overnight.

Perhaps your mil could ring to find out roughly where she is on the waiting list, then you might have a better idea of whether she and your fil will still be able to do it. If she's only just gone on a waiting list, is it likely she'll be seen so quickly? Hopefully something can be sorted out.

As for the bride being unhappy if you can't come, I think that if people choose to get married abroad, then they have to accept that there maybe a greater number of guests who aren't able to make it.

Forrestgump · 29/02/2012 09:10

I feel sorry for the op. my mil has always made it perfectly clear she is not hands on and won't help us, but my mum is the type that (as others have written) would move mountains to help me if she can. I don't abuse that help at all, but it's just how she sees her role as my mum.

I think in the case of Your mother refusing to change her plans, I have a huge feeling (And this is in relation to my mil, not your mother) one day she will want something done for her, and with great enjoyment will get a great big no!

It also a sad place to be in that you have no friends at all who can help out a little, I understand that this is your best friends wedding, and probably your other friends are going, but my circle of friends is mixed, and this is a time when I would call on a godparent!

SoupDragon · 29/02/2012 09:22

Cant you arrange a sitter for whilst your parents are at the theatre?

LackaDAISYcal · 29/02/2012 09:22

YANBU to be upset, and I think your parents are being a bit unhelpful by not stepping up at the last minute even though they might not see it like that!

As an alternative, could DH stay at home and you go on your own? Then only his flight would be wasted and you still get to catch up with old friends.
My nephew is getting married later this year, and we would all love to go, but can't afford flights etc for all five of us, so I'll be going on my own. Not ideal, but I don't see my family very often so at least this way I don't miss out on a reunion.

albertswearengen · 29/02/2012 09:25

YANBU. You have a trip booked abroad for a couple of days, your PIL can't do it due to an operation but your parents won't because they are going to the theatre. I think that's horrible- I bet your inlaws will feel awful if you have to cancel. Some people are selfish and becoming parents doesn't change that.
I sympathise my PIL are the same as your parents. However they volunteered to babysit last week out of the blue after 4 years. Turns out they've begun to realise their golden child (not dh) may not be their best bet in their old age. I turned them down.

diddl · 29/02/2012 09:25

I do find the thought that if parents don´t give help in such situations then they shouldn´t be given help as they get older.

My parents brought me up-so I will help if I can when needed.

aldiwhore · 29/02/2012 09:29

I'm on the fence.

But slipping over to the side of YABU. It doesn't matter why they can't do it (although they have said they could try to re-arrange) they're simply unavailable.

I'm not sure how you can't afford to take your DC but you can go? Just don't buy a new outfit, and book into cheaper accomodation?

It would be GREAT if your folks rang you and said they'd cancelled their plans, but don't be angry if they don't.

ssd · 29/02/2012 09:31

has anyone asked why don't you take the kids to the wedding and be done with it?

of course you will have to curtail the drinking and get up early the next day, but thats being a parent

I've always either had to take my kids to weddings or go alone whilst dh babysat, never had family to help out/cancel plans for me

its not ideal but its doable

much better than expecting everyone to live their lives around you at your convenience

Forrestgump · 29/02/2012 09:32

I would hope your parents did bring you up diddl, they chose to have you. It's slightly different asking for help in a one off situation, and them basically refusing.

aldiwhore · 29/02/2012 09:34

But the OP can't afford to go anyway, why can't she tell her best friend "sorry we can't afford it as there's no babysitters available" instead of projecting anger onto her parents who've already got plans on that weekend?

I don't know, I think care and understanding works both ways, and I don't see why a friend's overseas wedding should take priority over a theatre trip?

I'd like to think if there was an actual emergency, her parents would cancel.

aldiwhore · 29/02/2012 09:35

I appear to have fallen off the fence.

I could climb back on and say YANBU to be disspointed.

ssd · 29/02/2012 09:38

op, maybe your parents just don't fancy having your kids one night and two days so they said no? kids that age a bloody hard work.

maybe they are fed up you putting on them when it suits you and being pissed off if they say no?

maybe you'll just need to sort your life out for once without them or the in laws having to adjust their plans for you?

is that too much to ask, or can't you manage wthout outside help for a lot of the time?

and before anyone accuses me of being nasty, read the thread title and tell me who's being nasty hereHmm

lifesalongsong · 29/02/2012 09:38

Maybe they can't take the children because as well as being inconsiderate enough to get married abroad the bridezilla is having a no children wedding Grin

ssd · 29/02/2012 09:41

and op your snidey comment about your parents" going to the theatre at least once a month and finances not being the issue" strikes me as you gridging them their lives and their freedom and feel you should have more than you do

you sound spoilt and annoying

LilyBolero · 29/02/2012 09:46

Haven't quite read the whole thread, have a toddler climbing all over me!

In his situation, what I would do is phone your parents, ask if they would be happy to have the children still for the bit they agreed to, and book a babysitter from an agency (eg Sitters, which friends have given good reports of), to babysit at their house.

They would obviously need to agree to this, and you should pay the babysitter, but it would be less than you would lose by cancelling the trip, and they could still go to the theatre.

BobblyGussets · 29/02/2012 10:00

Anywhere near Portishead OP? I'll mind them, they fight play nicely with my two DSs.

YANBU, very disappointing. I know how precious these one on one couple times are, because after the DCs have flown the nest, you'll still want your husband there with you. The weekend away together would be a marriage maintenance trip.

QuintessentialyHollow · 29/02/2012 10:08

And then you have my parents who did not come to my wedding because my wedding clashed with my sisters exam, and they were looking after her 3 yo dd for the weekend. Needless to say, non of them came to my wedding.

Just sayin.

Some people have strange priorities, and not even a wedding is important.

diddl · 29/02/2012 10:18

"has anyone asked why don't you take the kids to the wedding and be done with it?"

Yes, meGrin

I´m guessing that OPs parents don´t want to cancel their plans "just in case".

It´s an unfortunate situation & they did originally say that they would cancel-until OP said that ILs would do it.