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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off my parents won't cancel their theatre trip & babysit?

301 replies

lechatnoir · 28/02/2012 20:45

DH & I have been invited to best friend's wedding overseas. We can't afford/didn't want to take our DC so before accepting we spoke to both sets of parents to see if they could babysit DC for the 2 days & 1 night we'd be away. My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel (they go at least once a month if not more & finance wouldn't be the issue) but DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights.

It's now 4 weeks until wedding & MIL called earlier to say she's been put on a waiting list for a minor op that if it went ahead before the wedding (quite possible) would prevent her coming as she can't drive for 6 weeks afterwards & there's no way they can get here any other way. So, I called my parents to explain but they're now saying they can't baby-sit as they're going out. I asked if they could reschedule but they said no. End of conversation. So, we might not be able to go to the wedding & if we do cancel, it could be very short notice so no chance of refunds not to mention very unhappy bride Angry

So AIBU to be totally fucked off that my parents won't cancel some crappy theatre 'do' & help us out?

OP posts:
halcyondays · 01/03/2012 12:04

Expecting your dh to help with his own dc when you are ill is very different from expecting gps to cancel their plans on the off chance that they may be needed to babysit so that you can attend a social event.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 01/03/2012 12:16

It wasn't the case that my parents offered initially & I decided to go elsewhere: I asked my mum if they were free & would babysit, she told me they had a theatre trip booked so I said I'd see if ILs were free at which point my mum said great OK but if they can't then we will. I later confirmed ILs could come down & nothing else was said until I got the call from MIL the other day (she has been on a waiting list for a while but a recent hospital appointment has pushed her up the list hence more likely to clash). I also didn't ask parents to cancel 'just in case' but asked if they would cancel if MIL had her op so obviously if they weren't needed then their trip would carry on as usual.

As it happens MIL called again last night to say they definitely won't be able to come now so I will be calling my mum again and trying to establish whether they will have them with babysitter on Saturday night or if DH will stay home & look after them.

Honestly, I'm staggered how few of you would be willing to help out a family member (actually, help out anyone not just family) but obviously must accept that I ABU for being annoyed at their response and try & be more appreciative of ANY help they give us. Hey ho.

LCN (who used to frequent handbag but I don't think under the LCN guise)

OP posts:
LongWayRound · 01/03/2012 12:21

Just wanted to comment on the OP's mention that the bride is going to be very unhappy. If you get married abroad, you have to accept that not all the people you would like to invite to your wedding will be able to make the journey. In which case, you can plan to meet up with them some other time, maybe on your next visit home, or you can invite them (kids as well as parents) to visit you for rather longer than a weekend. When DP and I married in the country where we were living at the time (and where we had no family at all) only my closest relatives could attend, and no-one at all from his family. We actually had a wedding party in his home country the following year.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 01/03/2012 12:26

ETA bride will be unhappy as it is a very small wedding & she actually checked dates with for us BEFORE confirming the booking.

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 01/03/2012 12:28

Still think that if your parents usually are so willing, and yet this time they said no, that you should not automatically assume that they are doing so just to be petty or out of meanness. Did you ask them why?

And I don't think that many people have said they would not help out someone else, I think most were commenting on THIS particular situation and looking at it from your parent's point of view.

Also, has nobody told you that you don't post something on AIBU if you only want to hear one viewpoint? The whole idea of this thread is that you hear lots of viewpoints that you may or may not agree with, but that you take bits from all of them to help you decide.

We all do things differently and have different expectations and experiences. Some posters are grandparents, some don't have any grandparents, some are heavily involved with their parents and some are not. It's this variety that makes Mumsnet so unique. If you only want to hear one point of view then I suggest you don't post in AIBU in future.

Triggles · 01/03/2012 12:30

But as an adult, the bride should be mature enough to understand that regardless of checking the dates with you ahead of time, things happen and situations change. What if one of your children or you were ill and you couldn't go? What if you had a financial crisis and one of you had to work extra hours simply to cover rent and basic expenses? What if your childcare fell through and you couldn't go? oh wait.....

LongWayRound · 01/03/2012 12:31

OK lechat, that does put a different complexion on it. Even so, if you can't sort out the childcare arrangements so that you can attend the wedding, don't you think she might get over her disappointment, and be pleased to have you to visit her later on, and for a bit longer than a weekend? (Trying to look on the bright side, break away from all the to-ing and fro-ing about who is being unreasonable...)

theonewiththenoisychild · 01/03/2012 12:35

So your getting them a babysitter for the saturday night? So they wont miss their night out now. Thats better but honestly if your babysitter idea falls through will you carry on sulking until they give in and spoil their plans for you Biscuit

diddl · 01/03/2012 12:38

I think that a lot of us would help family/a friend-not necessarily in these circs though.

Now that you know for sure that ILs can´t do it, perhaps your parents will help out.

It´s still a big ask though imo.

halcyondays · 01/03/2012 13:02

Yes, I'm sure the bride will be disappointed if you can't both make it, but unless she's a total brides ills, I'm sure she'll understand. Presumable your parents would be disappointed if they missed out on their theatre trip?

halcyondays · 01/03/2012 13:04

Bridezilla, not brides ills

Anonymumous · 01/03/2012 13:04

I don't think it's a matter of people not being prepared to help out a family member or anyone else. I probably would give up a theatre trip to help someone out if they were desperate. What I would object to would be the expectation that I SHOULD do so and that by refusing I will somehow be branded as monstrously unreasonable and unfair and a terrible parent. You have the right to ask (note: that's 'ask', not 'expect') and your parents have the right to refuse. Simple as that.

Still not convinced that attending a friend's wedding counts as 'desperate' though...

halcyondays · 01/03/2012 13:10

Just because people would not expect gps to help in these circs, does not mean they themselves would not be willing to help someone else.

Yes, perhaps you should be more appreciative of the help they do give you, maybe they feel a bit taken for granted. Some gps do absolutely nothing to help their adult children or their gc, even in a real crisis.

Mrsgradgrind · 01/03/2012 13:35

OP you claim to be staggered as to how few here will help someone out. I say again, your over-inflated sense of entitlement is coming over loud and strong - you appear to have a very blinkered view that it is up to GPs to yield to your plans (and your friends), why not accept that they have a life of their own?
For the record I have helped out people on many occasions, as they have for me. The impression you are giving is that for you helping out is a one way street.
I ask again, why do your needs trump theirs?

spartafc · 01/03/2012 13:42

I think the bride will be upset. My friend was, that was a really hard conversation to have! She'd booked the date only after checking we could make it. I had the accommodation booked and everything before we got backword from the in-laws. It was really upsetting, incredibly disappointing and bloody annoying. But, it's just the way it goes sometimes.
It was the first, and last!, time we asked them to help. I didn't berate them for it, I put it down to experience (a nasty one) and just got on with it.

2rebecca · 01/03/2012 15:02

Have you offered to pay for them to go out for dinner and to the theatre to compensate them? I think alot of posters think you are unreasonable because you are putting your social outing ahead of your parents' and didn't seem to be recognising that they may be out of pocket for this and possibly couldn't rebook that particular play as it may be sold out.
You did seem to just want them to cancel their theatre outing and not be offering any compensation and just accept them to put you first because you are their child.

ssd · 01/03/2012 19:58

op, you've got a nerve saying

"Honestly, I'm staggered how few of you would be willing to help out a family member (actually, help out anyone not just family"

so you think all the posters here who think you are being spoilt and entitled and unreasonable never help out any family or friends because they dare to disagree with you?

you are really something Hmm

EightiesChick · 01/03/2012 20:23

Well, quite a lot of people have said that it's unreasonable of her to expect family members to cancel their social plans to help her and you can never, ever expect this. So yes, it does come across as if many people think that when asking your parents for help, you should a) fully expect to be turned down for a trip to the pub, and b) should have to be cringingly grateful that they shifted their Tesco delivery slot for you. Not a view I share, OP.

theonewiththenoisychild · 01/03/2012 20:52

How do People become so self important? Op says she will ring her mum again.... Her mum has already said no yet she is going to try again Hmm

Original poster
lechatnoir · 01/03/2012 21:44

Lol no I'm not ringing to 'try again' but we left it in limbo & I said I'd try & work something out and call back. And I totally hold my hands up & accept yes IABU to expect them to cancel their plans for mine but I do still feel that best friend's wedding overseas DOES trump regular theatre trip Grin.

OP posts:
GrendelsMum · 01/03/2012 21:51

Thinking this over a bit more, I wonder whether your parents are a little worried about looking after two exhausting children for a weekend, as well as having to cancel their plans. I'm sure it would have been nice for your DP to come with you on the trip, but it does seem to make sense for one of the childrens actual parents to stay home for the weekend while you go to support your best friend.

olgaga · 01/03/2012 21:54

Oh dear OP, there you go again! It's your best friend - not theirs! That's why it doesn't trump their theatre trip - which they did offer to rearrange or cancel when you first asked, and if you were stuck.

You weren't stuck then, now you are. They were prepared to rearrange then, but now with just 4 weeks to go, they aren't.

It's a hard life, isn't it, when your plans are so much more important than anyone else's.

olgaga · 01/03/2012 21:57

I also don't know why you expect them to do overnight/all weekend childcare when they find it exhausting.

spartafc · 01/03/2012 22:05

It's easier to deal with this sort of thing if you don't play top trumps, if you just accept that you're not getting the help you want and that's that. If you get into the whole 'best friend's wedding vs night out' debate you'll just get more annoyed. Then you'll be more annoyed than before, and still not getting any help!
I think your expectations have been raised though, because of all the previous support you've had. Which is fair enough, really. I think I would find it confusing to have had the help previously and then have it removed.

whethergirl · 01/03/2012 22:08

I agree OP, a best friends wedding IS more important than a regular theatre trip. Olgaga, it might not be THEIR best friend, but it is THEIR DAUGHTER'S best friend. I really can't imagine being so distant and so selfish when I'm older that I would put an unimportant social event ahead of something that was really important to my dc's. Not pointing the finger at your parents OP, just at the attitude of some of the posters on here.

I don't get it, I dunno, maybe it's a cultural thing. I'm english but have a Mediterranean background and there is no such thing as "oh dear, your time limit for rearranging has expired, I'm not sure we can help." It's more like, oh dear, we have a problem, your best friend is getting married and wants you there, what can we do to make this happen? My mum would do it for me (and has done similar) and I would do the same (and have done) for her.

Really, what does this theatre trip mean to them? OP has already said the money lost on the ticket is not a problem for them. And they can do to the theatre again the following week. I'm struggling to see why this is such a big favour tbh.