to be pissed off my parents won't cancel their theatre trip & babysit?

[lechatnoir]

DH & I have been invited to best friend's wedding overseas. We can't afford/didn't want to take our DC so before accepting we spoke to both sets of parents to see if they could babysit DC for the 2 days & 1 night we'd be away. My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel (they go at least once a month if not more & finance wouldn't be the issue) but DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights.

It's now 4 weeks until wedding & MIL called earlier to say she's been put on a waiting list for a minor op that if it went ahead before the wedding (quite possible) would prevent her coming as she can't drive for 6 weeks afterwards & there's no way they can get here any other way. So, I called my parents to explain but they're now saying they can't baby-sit as they're going out. I asked if they could reschedule but they said no. End of conversation. So, we might not be able to go to the wedding & if we do cancel, it could be very short notice so no chance of refunds not to mention very unhappy bride

So AIBU to be totally fucked off that my parents won't cancel some crappy theatre 'do' & help us out?

I didn't go to my friends wedding because my dc's needed new shoes and i couldn't have afforded both should i have gone in a huff thinking how dare my children need shoes when i need to go to a wedding? Ermmmm no i sent congratulations to my friend and her wife and apologised for not being able to make it

the last 2 wedding I've gone to I've been by myself leaving the kids at home with dh

my kids were too young and tiring to be left with older gp's, so I didn't even consider asking them (never mind being pissed off they couldn't do it )

Haven't read the whole thread - but YANBU to be a bit peeved as the had said they would help out of needed and are now going back on that.

However, I can't imagine that getting annoyed at them will help now.

Wouldn't it be better to get some extra tickets for your DC and take them with you, rather than not go at all and lose everything you've spent so far?

Her parents have had the children overnight a few times and have felt exhausted afterwards.

They did offer to change their plans when asked to babysit but where told they don't need to.

Now they are being asked to cancel the booked theatre and meal JUST IN CASE they are needed.

Which bit of that is them being selfish? Perhaps they just don't like being messed around, they find the childcare exhausting and they don't fancy cancelling their night out to be on standby just in case they are needed.

I have a feeling that if the OPs MIL did have to go for her operation, they probably would cancel but they are refusing to do so just in case, because there is every chance that MIL won't be called in for op and that would have meant they lost out on money paid for on the tickets and missed out on their night out which they obviously enjoy and forms a large part of their lives together.

The OP has not offered any other examples of them being selfish at all. The PIL seem to have the children more, but then she said that her own parents find it tiring. Not everyone has the same amount of energy.

I'd be disappointed if this were me, make plans anyway just in case the PILs could babysit and put it down to one of those things. I wouldn't be coming onto Mumsnet and making out that my parents were selfish and I was pissed off at them for doing what seems to be a totally reasonable thing to do. Slagging your parents off, when they have done so much babysitting in the past and actually OFFERED to do so this time round is just plain petty and ungrateful.

YABVU. They offered, you made other plans but now they've fallen through, you expect them to drop everything at the last minute. Hire a babysitter.

Careful, The Rhubarb, if you continue being reasonable and not leaping to OP's defence with shouts of 'THEY DID WHAT???? How awful!!!!' etc, then you will be accused of being 'one of those who will be a bad grandparent' (or MIL as it was on this thread, inexplicably)
It's how these sorts of threads always go, OP posts about being upset about not getting help from grandparents, anyone who says 'maybe best not expect help' gets told they will cause the downfall of society.
Just because you don't expect help does not mean you will not give help.
I say this as recipient of no help and giver of much.

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to be "fucked off" at your parents because your IL's have let you down. but i am someone who has absolutely no unpaid childcare available so hard to sympathise!

Anyway, haven't read entire thread, but do your parents live in the same city or near'ish? maybe they can still go to their show, book them a sitter for the evening and they can still stay with the children whether they stay at yours or their own house with their dgc?

Or maybe you can go, take a friend instead and your dh can stay behind to look after dc as it is your bf's wedding?

Hope it works out..

"as the had said they would help out of needed and are now going back on that."

They´re not really going back on it though as they don´t know if they are needed or not.

spartafc - I'm just surprised that the MIL hasn't been criticised for having her op so close to the date of the wedding. I mean, how inconsiderate of her! Everyone's criticising the parents here but the real culprit is the MIL who has selfishly booked herself in for a non-lifesaving operation.

Of course when you become grandparents it is a legal requirement for you to drop EVERYTHING just to be at your children's beck and call. And should you not be so obliging, you then deserve to have a public slagging off from people who don't even know you.

I think the OP has been very controlled and not at all defensive at all the YABU's she's getting. So well done OP.

I think it's GOOD to expect help from those who love you. It is not entitled. It is a healthy relationship to expect to give AND to expect to receive. When it is pushed to excess, it is entitled, and when you don't expect to give back it is also entitled, but it is not entitled to have expectations. When you have no expectations of each other, your relationship is pretty messed up.

your children, your responsibility I'm afraid

It's not your mothers job to drop everything for you but I do understand your disappointment when you have used what little cash you have to pay for the trip but you are just going to have to apologise to your friend and try and get some money back on your cancellation

YANBU
I too, would be rather cross with my parents in these circs. I would say, as a family, flights would trump a trip to the theatre. But then i seem to subscribe to the rather unMN point of view that family includes grandparents down to children and even , gasp, cousins etc I certainly don't believe the popular [on here but not amongst my friends in RL] 'you had kids, they are your responsibility and yours alone'.

However, i do accept that there are families who don't think like this and i feel sorry for them.

I think the OP has been out of order in slagging off her parents who actually DO their fair share of babysitting, who find it exhausting (by her own admission) and who actually DID offer to re-arrange in the first place and are now only saying no because they might not actually be needed after all, so they would have cancelled their plans for nought.

No healthy relationship should be based on expectations of that sort. I expect dh to be faithful to me yes, but I don't expect him to bring me flowers every week or cook meals.

She should not expect her parents to cancel their plans just in case they are needed and she should not then slag them off on Mumsnet when they say no for once - she's not said that they've ever said no before, so this is the first time they've let her down.

It sounds to me like they do enough and they find what they do tiring, but they still do it because they want to see their grandchildren. However on this occasion they felt unwilling to cancel just to be on standby. I don't think there is anything unreasonable in that.

I think you are only looking at things from the parents point of view. How about from hers? Sounds like they are a bit skint, only going abroad because it is a very special reason and on borrowed airmiles. Staying on friend's sofa. Really looking forward to it, a lot. Plans for help may fall through, so asking parents as back up. Asking them to cancel something they do regularly so she and her dh can do something they rarely (if ever) do, and something special (a wedding) that she's really been looking forward to. I would feel very unloved if my parents wouldn't do this for me. I would do this for my parents. I hope they'd expect me to and be disappointed in me if I wouldn't. (I did it by looking after my elderly grandmother as well as a toddler, and pregnant).

I know the OP's reaction was extreme, but she's really hurt and the anonymity of MN etc. Her reaction hasn't done her favours. But I still don't see why she shouldn't feel hurt by this. I would. And I don't think I am entitled, but hey. And that's all I can judge it on.

YANBU.. my goodness, I can't believe that people are saying that 'they offered and you turned them down and now they wont help'.. from what I read in your post you say 'if you were stuck they would help' and now you are stuck.

Totally get where you coming from.

I really hope you can talk to them again and get them to re-think what they said to you - wait till you have calmed down a bit and try and rationally remind them of what they said to you about helping if you were stuck.

Really hope you find a way to go. You are perfectly entitled to have got organised, made plans and go away to a wedding for a night don't let anyone tell you, you aren't

And I don't think 'standby' or not is relevant. That's just a matter of status. (You didn't ask us first kind of tantrum).

'Standby' works both ways. They may be able to enjoy their night out, they may not. She may be able to go (if her MIL's op doesn't happen) or she may not. But her parents are not willing to offer her this backup.

I really can't believe some of you wouldn't be hurt by that.

Not your parents' responsibility at all.

If this was the first time my parents had said no then to be perfectly honest I would firstly be a little put out but then I would start to wonder why. Had I taken them for granted in the past? Was I being cheeky to ask them to cancel their meal and theatre trip just to be on standby (why can't they continue with their plans and if MIL is taken into hospital perhaps they could re-consider)? Are they finding the overnight care of the children too much? After all she did say they found it exhausting.

If your parents had not refused you before, would you jump straight to the conclusion that they were being mean and ask a group of strangers on the net to agree with you so you could feel justified in slagging them off?

I'd be hurt they hadn't told me those things.

But I really don't think it's about those things anyway, since they did agree to it. Until the IL's said they could do it (as they were coming anyway).

What it's about is that they don't want to be a 'backup', or a 'second choice' if they perceive it like that. That they offered and were 'refused' and that's that.

(And I meant to say TheRhubarb that you have a lot of other expectations of you dh ontop of being faithful. You expect him to say nice things, or at least not say you're ugly every morning, you expect him to be involved with the kids - probably -, you expect him to do some housework - I hope. Etc. If you were ill, and had arranged a friend to help with the kids, but that friend couldn't do it because she had an accident, you would be upset if your dh refused to step into the breach.)

Be careful with expectations though, because the person who has these things expected of them can often feel taken for granted.

You would hope that your dh would do those things, but to expect them is wrong. Dh knows better than to expect me to do all the cooking and housework and I make sure that he and the children all say thank you after their meals. Because when you expect things to be done, you often neglect to have appreciation for them.

Who knows if this is what has happened here. But I do think there is more to this story and I for one, won't be joining in the slagging off of parents who so far have been very pro-active with their grandchildren and not refused anything bar this one time. I should imagine that their side of the story may be very different.

Maybe some people have adjusted their expectations to a realistic level.
For me, an overnight stay with the grandparents is just never going to happen, for various reasons.
But for the OP, there have been overnight stays and so she has an expectation that this is possible.
The GPs still have every right to say no.
I think it's lovely that a whole family can be involved in raising a child, and I know this was my sister's experience. It was a pleasure to be involved, so closely, in her daughters' early lives. But it doesn't mean I can now 'expect' her to look after my DS whenever I want to go out (and in my case this does include missing my best friend's wedding, unfortunately). Nor can I expect my parents to help, or my in-laws. I can hope for help, I can regret that I don't have any and that it's made life quite difficult sometimes, I can even envy friends who have lots of help. But I don't think I can expect it.

x-post with The Rhubarb (looks like I've replied to your points in a very random way!!)

Let's put it this way. A thread is started by them on Mumsnet which goes:

AIBU to say no to my daughter's demand for a babysitter?

We are elderly grandparents who have little hobbies save from visiting the theatre once a month which we both enjoy immensely and look forward to. We also make ourselves available for our grandchildren when we can and have babysat them overnight several times a year and although we love looking after them dearly, we do find it exhausting running after little ones.

Anyway a while ago our daughter asked us if we could babysit them overnight, which would mean 2 full days and one night, as they have both been invited to go to a wedding abroad so even though it coincided with our monthly theatre trip we agreed. However they also asked his parents and they too, agreed to do it. So rather than go with us, they took up his parents' offer. We were a little miffed as his parents get to see the children much more than we do, but our offer had been refused so what could we do?

We made our plans to treat ourselves instead to a nice meal and then the theatre. Now our daughter has called up saying that his mother may or may not be taken into hospital for an operation. They want us to cancel our plans and be on standby just in case we are needed. I know that without our help they would not be able to go away to the wedding, but we can't help but feel a little put on and second best. After all, they refused our initial offer, even though we were willing to change our plans to see our grandchildren, to go with his parents who have them much more than we do. So are we being completely unfair in saying no to their demands?

Sorry, OP, not read the whole of the thread.

Do you think it was the fact that you hadn't asked your parents first?