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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off my parents won't cancel their theatre trip & babysit?

301 replies

lechatnoir · 28/02/2012 20:45

DH & I have been invited to best friend's wedding overseas. We can't afford/didn't want to take our DC so before accepting we spoke to both sets of parents to see if they could babysit DC for the 2 days & 1 night we'd be away. My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel (they go at least once a month if not more & finance wouldn't be the issue) but DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights.

It's now 4 weeks until wedding & MIL called earlier to say she's been put on a waiting list for a minor op that if it went ahead before the wedding (quite possible) would prevent her coming as she can't drive for 6 weeks afterwards & there's no way they can get here any other way. So, I called my parents to explain but they're now saying they can't baby-sit as they're going out. I asked if they could reschedule but they said no. End of conversation. So, we might not be able to go to the wedding & if we do cancel, it could be very short notice so no chance of refunds not to mention very unhappy bride Angry

So AIBU to be totally fucked off that my parents won't cancel some crappy theatre 'do' & help us out?

OP posts:
olgaga · 29/02/2012 14:13

If it's that important to you to go to the wedding, why don't you leave DH at home?

spartafc · 29/02/2012 14:17

I can understand why you'd feel disappointed, as the trip was all sorted - you'd have been looking forward to the wedding, and now it's all off.
But, I think that where you are now, as in not going to a wedding because there's no one to look after your kids, is probably pretty normal.
I've missed a few things since DS was born, including my best friend's wedding, and I've just accepted that this is how it is for me.
You just can't take help for granted. It would be lovely to have the offer of babysitting from a grandparent, but you're not entitled to expect it. Not really.

TheRhubarb · 29/02/2012 14:26

I dunno with this one, I seem to think that there is more to this story really. Perhaps the OP has changed plans before? Or they do their fair share of babysitting anyway? Or perhaps PIL haven't just made plans for the theatre but to meet up with friends/have a meal etc. There's a lot here we don't know.

We don't have the luxury of having babysitters at all, but PILs live 200 miles away and when we go to see them they often offer to look after the kids whilst we have a night out. In fact they've had them all weekend before now which is just lovely of them. However I would never expect them to change their plans for us.

I'm afraid that the wedding really is for you to sort out. For whatever reason, your parents have said no. They are not being mean, they offered to cancel or re-arrange before and you said they didn't need to, so that would indicate that by nature, these people are not meanies, which is why I think there is more to this sorry tale.

She is YOUR best friend so I would be tempted to go alone (hard as it would be) and support her on her big day. It's a pisser but it's either that or you don't go at all and I'm sure your friend would miss you hugely if you just didn't go.

Shit happens at times and you just have to deal with it. You can't now blame your parents, it's not their fault. So grit your teeth and make alternative arrangements.

empirestateofmind · 29/02/2012 14:41

I think YANBU to be fed up with your parents. They had offered and have now taken back their offer when it looked like they might be taken up on it.

As others have said, you could go by yourself to support your friend.

kerala · 29/02/2012 14:41

YANBU I would be put out too.

Although I am touchy on the ILs/childcare subject. My sister got married last year obviously my entire family (our usual special occasion childcare) were all at the wedding. We asked ILs 6 months before the wedding if they could have our very easy little girls for the weekend to which they agreed. They are young (late 50s) in good health and recently retired with few commitments. They pulled out 6 weeks before for lame reasons (their house was on the market Hmm still hasn't sold btw). We never ask them for anything and they let us down the one time we needed them. They've moved abroad now and funnily enough DH and and I can't really be bothered to take the GC over to see them...cuts both ways Im afraid.

Mrsgradgrind · 29/02/2012 15:18

I think what comes across in the OP is an over-inflated sense of entitlement. Maybe your parents are a little tired of that? Your needs don't trump your parents - and if they do, then by the same sense of logic your children's needs trump your own, and you should be at home looking after them.

ComposHat · 29/02/2012 15:59

Can I say 'entitled and grabby?' Well I am and no one can stop me. Do I get my 20 mumsnet points and gold star now?

doublechocchip · 29/02/2012 16:24

yanbu I know there is a lot of 'have your kids and don't expect anyone to help out on mumsnet' but this is totally a one off occasion. My mum and dad don't help us out with childcare very often and I know their parents never helped out with us when we were little. Dh and I have sworn that we will be different if we ever have grandchildren. They are family at the end of the day and should want to help you out in cases like this.

diddl · 29/02/2012 16:39

But they would have helped out!

What a shame OP didn´t just ask them in the first place to cancel rather than involving ILs who are so far away.

(Yes I know-hindsight´s great!)

I should imagine that they don´t want to cancel for a "just in case" in a non emergency situation.

OP-would they cancel if MILs op does come up?

RobinSure · 29/02/2012 16:43

If you breed, it's your responsibility to look after the spawn.

BluddyMoFo · 29/02/2012 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 29/02/2012 18:00

Dh and I have sworn that we will be different if we ever have grandchildren.

I think if you have spent 20-odd years of your life bringing up children, you're entitled to do what you want. It may well be that you want to spend as much time as you can with your grandchildren, but being at their beck and call is a different matter entirely.

EchoBitch · 29/02/2012 18:10

If i were the Granny i would cancel and help out.

But i'm not and everyone's different.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 29/02/2012 18:54

Wow so many replies. So a bit more detail since you asked:
In-laws come and stay for a week every couple of months anyway & would normally be coming regardless of our need for babysitting although usually encourage us to go out together at least once. Both sets of parents have looked after DC on a number of occasions and my folks have had them for an overnight stay a few times & (seem to) love having them although are totally knackered at the end of it! The idea of just getting evening babysitter is good in theory but they don't live local enough to us ask any of our friends to babysit, & their night out is meal first then theatre so would need someone from 4pm until almost midnight by yhe time they got home. Even if we could afford professional sitters for that long I don't think it's fair on DC to have a stranger doing tea, bedtime etc. Oh and my friend lives overseas so not a selfish overseas do; no way could we afford flights for both DC and sadly no new outfit for me Grin. Think that covers everything
Looks like DH is staying at home!!!
LCN
Ps From memory Last year they babysat 2 maybe 3 evenings & had both DC overnight twice neither time as babysitting but because the DC wanted to & we dropped them off tea time collected after breakfast so wouldn't say we took the piss!

OP posts:
BoomOoYattaTaTa · 29/02/2012 19:38

'If you breed, it's your responsibility to look after the spawn' How vile Hmm

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 29/02/2012 19:52

Man, this thread sorts the wheat from the future MILs from hell chaff. Grin

OP - YANBU.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 29/02/2012 19:56

Nobody's at anybody's 'beck and call'... It's a one-off, special occasion with unusual circs (overseas). Pretty much the exact opposite to a 'beck and call' request.

Feel sorry for people who don't have the sorts of families who like each other and actively want to help out when needed. Couldn't imagine not wanting to do this for a friend, let alone a daughter.

MerryMarigold · 29/02/2012 20:11

Grin at the future MIL's. So true!!!

spartafc · 29/02/2012 20:14

this thread sorts the wheat from the future MILs from hell chaff
what does this mean?
I get no help, at all, from any family member. I never have.
I do, however, help my family A LOT, and always have. Just because I don't feel that anyone should expect help doesn't mean I won't help people out myself.
It's not always as cut and dried as your family not liking you.

Mrsjay · 29/02/2012 20:20

I think i will be a fine MIL and granny I just wont be on call just in case It doesnt make the Ops parents mean they asked she said no things have changed maybe her parents are a bit miffed at her attitude

fatlazymummy · 29/02/2012 21:22

I think it's a bit of a liberty to ask anyone to babysit 2 children for that length of time TBH. I am going to be a grandparent soon and I have already agreed to help out with some childminding but that is for the purpose of work. I also wouldn't mind a few hours in the evening occassionally, or of course helping out in an emergency, but not so that they can spend all weekend without their children at a wedding. Similarily, I would never even have asked my parents or inlaws for such a 'favour' in the 1st place. We just would have taken our children with us or not gone at all.

brdgrl · 29/02/2012 22:04

See, for me, this isn't a 'grandparent' issue. Take the 'grandparent-ness' out of the equation (because I don't think grandparents have any greater responsibility to provide childcare or other suppport for their adult children than anyone else).

Then you are left with the question: "A person or persons I am close to indicated that they would reluctantly, if I were really stuck, do me a favour. Now that I am actually stuck, that person(s) has changed their mind. Is it reasonable to be annoyed?"

If you wouldn't be annoyed with a friend for the same thing, you are BU to be annoyed with your parents.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 29/02/2012 22:07

I'd do it for a friend no question.

OP posts:
ssd · 29/02/2012 23:03

you still sound spoilt

olgaga · 29/02/2012 23:11

Nobody's at anybody's 'beck and call'... It's a one-off, special occasion with unusual circs (overseas). Pretty much the exact opposite to a 'beck and call' request

I don't agree.

My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel

So they did offer at that point to rearrange or cancel.

DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights

So the OP told her parents they didn't need to rearrange their plans. Now with 4 weeks to go she wants them to rearrange or cancel.

They might have a very good reason. It's a play - it might not be possible to rearrange and get tickets for another performance. They might be meeting up with other people they hardly ever see. Alternatively, they might be thinking "well, we offered, but at this late stage, we can't just drop everything at their beck and call". Or maybe "Well, there are two of them, they don't both need to go".

Also:
my folks have had them for an overnight stay a few times & (seem to) love having them although are totally knackered at the end of it!

Well if that's the case I think OP has a bit of a cheek asking them anyway. It certainly might explain their initial reluctance, and now their unwillingness to change their plans at this late stage.

Is it really that shocking that occasionally, parents have to miss out on things they would like to do? That's life when you have children, isn't it?

I wonder how many weekends away on their own they enjoyed when their children were young!