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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that bullies shouldn't get rewards for not bullying?

322 replies

DrSeuss · 28/02/2012 18:13

So, my son came home with a badly bruised knee with a smallish cut the other day. He said that this happened when he was pushed over the class bully. I immediately contacted the school who were really helpful, questioned the bully, then rang me back. I was told that the boy's mother had been called in after the boy had admitted pushing my son over and that the boy had been placed on report. I was happy with this as an outcome until today, when my son told me that the bully gets a sticker for each of the three daily breaks when he behaves and that on day five, if he has fifteen stickers, he will get to choose an item from the class goody basket.

I'm not suggesting that they impose a stringent punishment on a child of six but is that really the way to go? If I had set it up, I would have given a sticker on a chart for each break with no reward for a week's worth of stickers but a telling off and the mother called in again if any stickers were missed due to bad behaviour. It just seems to me that you ought not to reward a bully for not bullying. The majority of the children in the class don't bully and to me that's normal, not requiring special praise.
Thoughts?
Oh, btw, this is not the first time he has picked on my son and my son is not the only child this boy has bullied. That's not hearsay, two other mothers have told me they have made complaints last half term.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 28/02/2012 18:16

For once I am really on the fence. Not a helpful reply sorry!

Proudnscary · 28/02/2012 18:19

I'd be happy with this. It's about results not punishment. The teacher is trying to tackle this head on in a positive way while supporting a child who obviously needs help. Six is very young. There is a 'bully' in my 7 year old daughter's class who is always shoving my dd and being mean - I'd welcome this idea.

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 18:20

I don't think I'd talk about this as bullying. It sounds like a behavioural issue which they are attempting to manage. If a child is making a concerted effort to target one child, that's bullying. However bad his behaviour, and it needs addressing, I don't think calling a 6 year old a bully is helpful..

Whether their approach is right is debatable.

Catsdontcare · 28/02/2012 18:21

Not a big fan of this type of reward system personally as I'm not sure what it's actually achieving. Not sure how they help a child change their behaviour in the long term.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2012 18:22

Wow labelled a bully at just 6 years old? Sad

I think they have to do whatever works really

The stickers will be for good behaviour, it's not like they're going to have "Congratulations, you managed not to bully anyone for 3 days"

I expect with all their experience they know what works best.

Catsdontcare · 28/02/2012 18:23

I do however think a child should be recognised for improved behaviour just not a fan of material rewards.

sensuallettuce · 28/02/2012 18:23

What would you suggest the school do OP?

How do you know whats going on for this boy and why he bullies? Maybe he gets no encouragement at home, maybe his famuily are struggling?

Hes a child too the same as your son.

GrimmaTheNome · 28/02/2012 18:24

I'd be happy with it if (and its a big if, too often not the case) all the children in the class can get stickers/reward for something they ought to be able to achieve.

Blu · 28/02/2012 18:24

What you wnat is a child who does not push other children over. If affirmation works just as well, maybe better than punishment, then what is the matter with that? If a child hurts others as a way of getting a reaction, a feeling of power, attention, then teaching them that more positive behaviour can get them those feelings without being put on report then it's an important life change that has been instilled.

His mother has been informed, he has been put on report - carrot is also being used to tackle this.

Also, to me, bullying is a sustained campiagn at a targetted child or children, picking on one person - not a one off brutal act.

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 18:25

I can think of DCs whose behaviour is managed in this sort of way at my DCs school. They tend to be those with emotional or behavioural problems relating to impulse control or learning difficulties. It does seem to work.

DamselInDisarray · 28/02/2012 18:26

You're getting all this information through your son. Why would you think you had anything like the full story?

It seems perfectly reasonable to me to challenge problematic behaviour by offering incentives for good behaviour. It's just like giving your potty training toddler stickers for sitting on the potty. You do it in the short term to encourage a pattern of behaviour. In a few weeks you shouldn't need to reward what has (by that time) become normal behaviour for the child.

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 18:26

exactly Blu

DrSeuss · 28/02/2012 18:32

Fair enough. I wasn't planning on doing anything about it, just pondering the pros and cons. I tend to have quite old fashioned ideas on discipline, was just wondering what others thought.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 18:34

Can I ask you - do you refer to him as a bully to other people? As angry or upset as you are about your son being hurt, I'd really urge you to think about the effect of that kind of labelling of such a small child

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 18:35

BTW - I have a son who has been bullied ..

Amaretti · 28/02/2012 18:36

I'm not sure this is bullying either. It's rough undesirable behaviour that they need to manage, for sure. But he's not targeting your son and I think to call a six year old "the class bully" is overstating things.

minimisschief · 28/02/2012 18:36

crap system. And yes a 6 year old can be a bully. There should be consequences to bullying not consequences for not bullying.

SayBoo · 28/02/2012 18:38

The things is, the school have to think about the welfare of both children.

Yes, they have a duty to protect your DS.

They also have to deal with this boy's behaviour long term, which may mean a system of rewards and positive praise for when he is able to behave well.

Honestly, you have to be a bit more grown up about this.

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 18:39

I think 6 year olds can bully. I've seen it. But I've also seen that unless you look at why they are doing it and address that in ways that make sense, then no-one - bully or victim gets help. I just think it's a bit simplistic to say bully >>>> punish.

TheCrackFox · 28/02/2012 18:39

I am on the fence with this one. We had a similar situation when DS1 was 6 - there was a boy in his class who was very naughty had behavioural issues which were directly the result of his mum being a complete cow to him all the time. He had his own, special reward chart.

Now I can see why his teacher took this approach, however, it is very hard for a bunch of 6 yr olds to see how this can possibly be fair.

snowmaiden · 28/02/2012 18:39

YABU! If the child is being managed in this way by the school then at 6 years old he obviously has some serious behaviour/emotional issues and maybe a little empathy to the child's background is neded from you. I don't really believe six year olds bully, they may show aggressive behaviour to others for whatever reason, but bullying? (which is sustained behaviour against an individual)

Put on report? You mean school are trying to reinforce good behaviour by rewarding it and emphasizing it for the child!

marriedinwhite · 28/02/2012 18:40

He is praised for being good. For him that may be a very big achievement and worthy of a positive response. If he has behavioural issues and if he is managing a whole week of stickers and getting something from the goody basket I think that is fantastic and the school is handling it brilliantly.

I think you have missed the points that the school called you back, they called in his family, he was put on report. He is six years old and may be lacking support and boundaries at home. Sounds brilliant to me.

Come back and complain if he misbehaves every break and the school does nothing.

snowmaiden · 28/02/2012 18:41

I think you underestimate six year olds, they will know exactly why this boy is being treated differently.

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 18:42

TCF - I think that's where we come in. As long as what the school is doing is working, then we needs to explain, in whatever terms we can manage, why the rules are different for some children. It is hard, but most of them understand it. The alternative, to me, is worse

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 28/02/2012 18:42

I agree with you OP, the reward should be something that all the children get, but he will get to keep it if he gets all his stickers. If he doesn't get all his stickers, it gets taken away.

Giving him something that the other children won't get no matter how good they are, is sending the completely wrong message to the rest of the class, and the child that has been bullied. They are important too.

They could take away golden time or activity time or not let him join in when it's his classes turn with the playground equipment with exactly the same results as giving him something extra.