Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that bullies shouldn't get rewards for not bullying?

322 replies

DrSeuss · 28/02/2012 18:13

So, my son came home with a badly bruised knee with a smallish cut the other day. He said that this happened when he was pushed over the class bully. I immediately contacted the school who were really helpful, questioned the bully, then rang me back. I was told that the boy's mother had been called in after the boy had admitted pushing my son over and that the boy had been placed on report. I was happy with this as an outcome until today, when my son told me that the bully gets a sticker for each of the three daily breaks when he behaves and that on day five, if he has fifteen stickers, he will get to choose an item from the class goody basket.

I'm not suggesting that they impose a stringent punishment on a child of six but is that really the way to go? If I had set it up, I would have given a sticker on a chart for each break with no reward for a week's worth of stickers but a telling off and the mother called in again if any stickers were missed due to bad behaviour. It just seems to me that you ought not to reward a bully for not bullying. The majority of the children in the class don't bully and to me that's normal, not requiring special praise.
Thoughts?
Oh, btw, this is not the first time he has picked on my son and my son is not the only child this boy has bullied. That's not hearsay, two other mothers have told me they have made complaints last half term.

OP posts:
MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:19

my DD's education was constantly being disrupted by a child with special needs in her class. He 'Latched' onto her and wouldnt let her get on with her work. she came home in tears one day and i got the whole story

she had been told off for not finishing her work when it was child B distracting her by kicking her chair and pulling her hair. so i went to talk to the teacher, because i looked at her book and you could see it wasnt up to her usual standard.

the teacher took the side of child B and said that my daughter should be able to concentrate in a normal school environment. (since when is constant chair kicking and hair pulling normal).

I asked for her to be moved away from child B since they had been sitting together. Our school has a policy of placing badly behaved children next to well behaved children so that the good behaviour rubs off.... However what about the bad behaviour passing over = but thats a completely different argument.

Anyway days after being moved she came home in tears again, this time becuase Child B, was on a sticker reward scheme, much like that described.

the point she made, made my heart break for her. she said:

But Mum, i'm always good and noone seems to notice.

I'm afraid its another case of the squeaky wheel getting the oil.

oh and this isnt special needs bashing- this is sticking up for my dd, who doesnt want to get child b in trouble, but just wants to get on with her work, and get recognised for it.

Triggles · 28/02/2012 23:25

Not special needs bashing?? Not bashing, specifically, more like simply intolerant. Charming.

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:27

oh and another thing,

My dd is the one who is called out of her own lesson to help another autistic girl. who had crawled under the table and wouldnt come out. My dd went in and talked her into coming out. she was 6 at the time.

I dont have a problem with her being taught compassion and that some people are different.

{and Breathe}

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:29

intolerant that my dd cant do her studies without being disrupted by other kids.

even if he didnt have SN i would be upset that another child was getting mine into trouble

tiggles are you mad? do you think that all teaching should be reduced to the level that one child can keep up with...

do ALL our kids not deserve to be rewarded?

Triggles · 28/02/2012 23:30

Goodness.... well, let's just hand out the pitchforks and torches now, shall we?

Hmm
StarlightDicKenzie · 28/02/2012 23:31

SOunds like a shit school matey, but the strategy described in the OP isn't a shit strategy.

StarlightDicKenzie · 28/02/2012 23:32

Why don't all the aggreived parents of 'good children' simpy tell them to be naughty to get put on report and on a lovely rewarding positive behaviour plan.

Problem solved!

pinkyp · 28/02/2012 23:33

Yabu, if there was no reward why would he bother stopping? He's 6? Come one get real

Triggles · 28/02/2012 23:33

Who said anything about teaching levels being reduced to the level that "one child can keep up with..." Are you referring to the child with SNs? Assuming they are slower than the rest of the class? Hmm Bit of an assumption, isn't that?

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:34

the reward system i described was the same as the OP. just the situation slightly different.

My DD is friends with both of the children mentioned

My DD was upset that she hadnt been rewarded for being good when the others all are.

when she had put an equal amount of effort in as these other kids she doesnt get a sticker. How can that be fair and equal treatment..[genuine question... I'm puzzled on how this can be ok in the current environment that we live in?]

Sevenfold · 28/02/2012 23:36

thank god my dd goes to an sn school, I would hate her to be in ms with attitudes like this.

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:36

not a general assumption, Triggles one based on the FACT of my situation upon which i was commenting in the general discussion of reward systems for some and not all kids

StarlightDicKenzie · 28/02/2012 23:37

If she wants what the other child has, then tell her to behave like the other child fgs.

If she chooses not to, then that is because her current 'good' behaviour is rewarding for her for whatever reason. In which case, she is being rewarded so she has her reward, so it is equal.

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:37

sevenfold my DD is friends with these two kids. i'm not against kids with SN i'm against a system that rewards good behaviour for badly behaved kids (for what ever the reason) and doesnt reward good kids for good behaviour.

StarlightDicKenzie · 28/02/2012 23:41

But Matey, she IS being rewarded for her good behaviour, otherwise she'd behave badly too.

Triggles · 28/02/2012 23:43

mateymooo - you said your child was disrupted by another child and then she went under a table to assist getting another child out from under the table. Then you said to me:

"tiggles are you mad? do you think that all teaching should be reduced to the level that one child can keep up with..."

As I never mentioned teaching levels at all, much less them being reduced, I'm thinking you may be having your own separate conversation somewhere. Confused Fact or no fact, SN does not equal slow.

I tell you what... YOUR DD can have the SNs and all the difficulties that come with it, as well as ALL the damned stickers, okay? I'd happily allow my DS2 to go without stickers for the rest of his life if it meant he didn't have to cope with his SNs..... fair enough? Hmm

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:43

i disagree that she is getting rewarded for behaving herself.
how is she being rewarded?

Please explain it to me becuase i'm genuinely puzzled.
she goes to school, she does her work and she comes home.

are you suggesting that becuase she doesnt get into trouble then she is rewarded by NOT BEING shouted at.

Because wouldnt that also apply to the bullies in the OP?

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:45

what makes you think that my dd doesnt have her own issues to deal with?

I have no problem with her helping.

i have a problem with her getting into trouble for something that wasnt her fault and then the person doing it getting stickers when they stop doing the thing in the first place.

StarlightDicKenzie · 28/02/2012 23:45

Then tell me WHY Matey is she being good if she is not being rewarded for it in any way?

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:46

she went under the table when she was 6 and has an ongoing friendship with that child

the disruptive child happened this year - she is now 8

rhondajean · 28/02/2012 23:47

Oh go look up reward theory yourself - basically all behaviour is carried out because we get some kind of reward for acting that way, eg women stay in abusive relationships because they feel needed Etc. to simplify it massively.

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:48

starlight I dont understand the point you are making.

i'm really not looking for a bunfight i just dont understand the point.

she goes to school and does her work.
she gets into trouble if she doesnt do it.

Child b goes to school, distrupts on a daily basis.
is rewarded when he doesnt disrupt.

what is her reward?????

MateyMooo · 28/02/2012 23:52

see this is touching a nerve with me becuase on Parents evening the teacher complained that DD was 'very compliant'.

i didnt understand what that meant either, becuase surely teachers want their kids to do what they are told?

StarlightDicKenzie · 28/02/2012 23:55

Matey I'm not looking for a bunfight either.

I don't know why your dd is good. I could guess at a few reasons, but I don't know her and they would be assumptions.

The assumptions I might make are:
She likes the work.
She likes the teacher and wants to get ticks from her.
She worries about not pleasing the teacher or being told off.
She has internalised your expectations of her and enjoys believing you are proud of her conduct in school.
She likes it when the teacher tells you nice things at parents evening.
She doesn't like conflict.
She knows that if the teacher is calm and happy then she is more likely to get the balls out at break time.
She looks forward to telling you how many questions she attempted/completed that day.
She likes to get through her work quickly so that she can stare out of the window without getting into trouble.
She likes to try and come above average in her tests.
She likes it that her friend thinks she is clever/fast/talented etc.
She doesn't like getting told off.
She worries that if she is deliberately horrible to a peer the others in the class won't let her join in their games.

MateyMooo · 29/02/2012 00:00

Yes ... i see, i can see your point now. thank you

so why doesnt that apply to the bullies in the op?

I understant that SN children dont always have the same understanding of the world around them, so i can see the differnecec in MY case