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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think being bossy isnt such a bad thing?

130 replies

bejeezus · 27/02/2012 14:33

my dd is 7yo and is lovely. Really good at making friends where ever she goes, happy, cheerful, energetic, a chatterbox, a bit ADHD. But she's bossy! there is no doubt about it. She bosses me and her dad at home. She bosses her imaginary friends. And, she bosses her real friends! I know from what she has said, that her friends have complained about this to her. I know that some parents have made comments. her teacher said she is no bossier than any of the other bossy kids (many of which are her friends).

I have witnessed her initiating compromises when people dont want to play her games/her rules. She insists that she does take it in turns to decide what is being played at school. We have had endless talks about 'being bossy' and 'how she would feel if her friends were bossing her....' Bottom line is though, she says she likes being bossy! She appears to understand the consequences and appears to have made a conscious decision to be bossy!

I am not bossy at all...Im not sure how much I should be trying to crack this. Being bossy is certainly a legitimate characteristic that has its uses! AIBU to 'let her be bossy'?

OP posts:
mrsshears · 27/02/2012 14:37

hhmmm this may start to wear thin with her friends.
Maybe have a chat about empathy? and how she would feel if the situation was reversed?
I would be reluctant to just 'let her be bossy' also if other parents have made comment is this more of a problem than perhaps you realise?

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 14:40

And....are you a bossy person?

Do you 'like' being bossy? Have you got friends?!

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 27/02/2012 14:40

Let her lead the way ... future PM and will not have any probs getting what she wants you go girl !!

hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 14:41

Bossy is bad Sad

ds1 has adhd/aspergers traits and he's always been bossy. He's always had difficulty keeping friends because of it. Bossy children are a pain in the backside and they need to be told that it isn't acceptable. Bossy children need to be told to tone it down. Controlling unwanted elements of your personality is part of growing up. It helps you get on with people and intergrate.

Once your DD gets to secondary school, she might run into difficulties as teens are pretty unforgiving things and don't like bossy peers.

MamaLazarou · 27/02/2012 14:42

She should come round and play with my 2-yr-old son. He LOVES being bossed around by older girls!

mojitomania · 27/02/2012 14:43

I also think you need give her a bit of guidance on how to interact. Bossy in really little ones of say 2 is rather funny but not 7 year olds.

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 14:43

Thanks mrsshears

Yes, we talk about it a lot. She seems very empathic. And kind. And her friends are important to her

I'm just starting to think, we all have our bad points?

And how much weight do I give to comments from other parents? Not always valid are they on balance?

OP posts:
Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 14:46

See hidden I like the bossy kids that come round and give her as good as they get!

They normally reach a compromise too. Without my intervention

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 14:46

Yes, you should listen to the other parents. They're trying to tell you something important. You need to take it in and act upon it otherwise you're making a rod for your own back and you're not doing your dd any favours in the long term.

Callisto · 27/02/2012 14:47

She sounds exactly like my DD. Nowt wrong with being in charge and knowing your own mind imo, especially as, like my DD, yours is empathic, kind and generous.

hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 14:48

I think all children should be taught respect and empathy. Not to inflict themselves upon others.

hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 14:49

Being bossy doesn't go hand in hand with being empathic Hmm

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 14:52

But hidden pêle are all different. If she continues being bossy she will end up with a group of friends who love her for what she is?

Maybe a smaller group?

I do have some bossy friends. And I love them!

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 27/02/2012 14:52

I have always been a bit bossy so I do not know rod for own back thing as long as she knows boundaries with you and bossy isn't tantrummy toddler if do not get own way and anyhow are these parent's children perfect or just being bought up by controllers who do not let them express themselves to conform

Floggingmolly · 27/02/2012 14:54

how much weight do I give comments from other parents?
Quite a lot, actually. A comment on other peoples kids is very rarely a throwaway remark, tbh. Most people wouldn't, unless something was becoming an issue, either for them or their kids (your dd's friends).
You'd do well to listen.

hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 14:56

Bossy people are usually disliked, although they may not be aware of it. A bit of humility can go a long way.

MrsHeffley · 27/02/2012 14:58

Errr why exactly do other children have to put up with bossy children making all the decisions,organising,having things their way?Why can't other kids have their way?

Sorry being bossy is very near being a bully.Kids don't have to do what your dd says,their ideas,organisational skills etc are just as valid.

You need to nip it the bud pronto.

imnotmymum · 27/02/2012 14:58

it is her personality !! OMG she is 7 does not mean she will stay this way [if it is such a bad thing to be assertive]

MrsHeffley · 27/02/2012 15:02

Also in my teaching experience bossy kids get away with it for a while due to them surrounding themselves with passive children or who are indulged by kids/parents who can't be bothered to argue.

The shit begins to hit the fan when other kids think actually they'd like a say,then you get arguments and said bossiness becomes a serious issue.

scarletforya · 27/02/2012 15:03

You see faults in our own children can seem 'endearing' or 'interesting' to us but to others they may just be annoying and irritating.

It's hard to moderate a bossy child though. But do be firm with her.

Mrsjay · 27/02/2012 15:04

She is maybe more assertive than Bossy Grin My dd has a bossy friend they are older though , they fall out all the time but have been friends all through hgh school , you are always going to get bossy children as long as you keep talking to her about it pointing out that people dont always like being told what to do she should maybe calm down a bit , DOnt let her boss adults around she will get a name for herself ,

dandelionss · 27/02/2012 15:04

Bossy kids are dreadful! It may seem cute to you, but to another 7 yr old it is oppressive and as they get more socially aware will not want anything to do with your child.
Assertive is standing up for your rights, bossiness is denying other people theirs.

BoomOoYattaTaTa · 27/02/2012 15:06

Girls this age go through phases of bossiness with each other all vying to be in charge. My younger dd has her moments, but I don't allow her think it's ok or encourage it, not by a long shot.

I can't abide bossy adults, very tiresome and they give me a headache.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 27/02/2012 15:07

Sorry but I agree with the YABU

We had a bossy girl at primary school and she was allowed to continue with her behaviour by the teachers.

When I look back on those days with my friends we all felt the same but never told each other, anxious and cowed. She basically bullied us.

The fact other parents have mentioned it shows she is taking it that notch too far. She just needs to reign it in.

Bossy is ok if it comes with empathy and an ability to understand when others have a right to a say.

Sandalwood · 27/02/2012 15:08

My DD has a friend who reminds me of a girl i used to play with when I was young.
One of those people who, if you don't do everything they want to do, then you're spoiling things.

Okay to mix with in a group where they are more diluted and the group is more likely to stand their ground.
Not much fun as a close, more one to one, friendship.

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