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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think being bossy isnt such a bad thing?

130 replies

bejeezus · 27/02/2012 14:33

my dd is 7yo and is lovely. Really good at making friends where ever she goes, happy, cheerful, energetic, a chatterbox, a bit ADHD. But she's bossy! there is no doubt about it. She bosses me and her dad at home. She bosses her imaginary friends. And, she bosses her real friends! I know from what she has said, that her friends have complained about this to her. I know that some parents have made comments. her teacher said she is no bossier than any of the other bossy kids (many of which are her friends).

I have witnessed her initiating compromises when people dont want to play her games/her rules. She insists that she does take it in turns to decide what is being played at school. We have had endless talks about 'being bossy' and 'how she would feel if her friends were bossing her....' Bottom line is though, she says she likes being bossy! She appears to understand the consequences and appears to have made a conscious decision to be bossy!

I am not bossy at all...Im not sure how much I should be trying to crack this. Being bossy is certainly a legitimate characteristic that has its uses! AIBU to 'let her be bossy'?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 27/02/2012 18:18

do you know that book about rules of friendship? Can't remember the exact title but they give you an overview of some different personality types, the problems they have in interacting with other children and ways to tackle that. so the shy child, the whatever type of child. Maybe there is also a section on the bossy child or something similar.

I think actually it is called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. Will have a quick look for it.

ZZZenAgain · 27/02/2012 18:21

this book

this one. A friend of mine had it because her ds is painfully shy and she found it quite useful. I haven't read it myself.

Dontforgetthesoreendoreen · 27/02/2012 18:34

I think a bit of bossiness is generally ok.

You can only boss someone around if they allow themselves to be bossed around. You certainly can't boss someone who won't allow it!

As long as it's not nasty I think it's mainly harmless.

And I know a lot of fairly bossy people who are quite actually quite popular - mainly because they're organisers who like to plan activities, social events etc and love being in charge of all the boring organising stuff that no one else can be arsed to do.

My little sister is quite bossy - she's a teacher I think a bit of bossiness helps in her job TBH! She's not short of friends. I have had run ins with her - when I stand up to her bossiness - but they are short lived.

ComposHat · 27/02/2012 18:48

You can only boss someone around if they allow themselves to be bossed around.

And that makes it okay?

For whatever reason, people are unwilling or unable to stand up to bossy people, if the bossy person is their boss, or if they lack the skills or confidence to challenge domineering behaviour.

SuchProspects · 27/02/2012 19:02

MrsHeffley "Such that is rubbish re the boy thing,you get loud boys who aren't bossy the same as girls."

Yes you get boys (and girls) who are loud without being bossy, I wasn't saying that being loud and being "bossy" are the same. But the implication in your post that somehow only girls are bossy is absurd. There are plenty of boys who are bossy in the same way as girls labeled "bossy" are bossy.

I had four boys at my house on Saturday and two of them were constantly telling children and adults to do this or that. But no one thought it unreasonable, just that they were youngsters finding their feet and trying let people know what they wanted whilst forgetting their manners. But if a 6 year old girl had said to me "go and get me more juice" I can see her being labeled "bossy" but when a 6 year old boy did it I'm pretty certain the only thing that was said was "where are your manners?" with a bit of embarrassed eye rolling. Though the boy in question is like that with everyone (and he's a popular and nice kid, despite the rather direct communication).

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 19:07

I was hoping for more success stories like yourself imnotmymum!

Can't beleive the lack of bossy people

OP posts:
Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 19:11

X posted with a few there...

dontforget that's what I jade in mind really-surely the bossy traits are very useful for things like teaching and event organising.

Aren't bossy people essential?!

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Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 19:13

Thanks for the link ZZZ ill look at that when I get to a PC

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 19:23

I think you're trying to convince yourself that it's okay, when it's not bejeezus You need to get her out of this behaviour before it's too late. Good organisational skills and assertiveness are not about being bossy. Bossiness has negative conotations and people who are bossy are widely disliked. They can even cause stress if they're in a position of authority.

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 19:26

maybe she is assertive with good organisational skills then. Rather than bossy!

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 19:27

keep trying to convince yourself Wink

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 27/02/2012 19:38

A good leader takes into account what everyone wants and acts accordingly. A bossy person just does what they want regardless of what anyone else might think.

To the poster who sayings that it's 'her way or the highway', you are making me wince. Have your friends every challenged you on anything? Do you just surround yourself with weaker people so you can carry on getting your own way?

ShellyBoobs · 27/02/2012 21:18

I really think you're confusing the positive trait of moderate assertiveness with the negative trait of bossiness which your dd displays.

You say you're surprised more people aren't holding their hands up to being bossy, on this thread? Well, maybe the reason for that is that most people with that trait will be embarrased by it and/or realise that it's not something to be proud of.

If you're thinking that her personality would be a good thing in the adult world, then I would point out that there are very few situations in which being bossy is a good thing. Career wise, even being over-assertive is seen as a negative in selecting people for management positions, never mind displaying the trait of bossiness. Leading people isn't about telling them what to do and when; it's about getting the best from them by allowing them to use their own initiative and ability whilst nudging them in the right direction.

Once her peers are more socially adept and willing to stand up for themselves (even if that's just in avoiding your dd) she will find things become difficult and will realise that people don't like her manner.

I'd really try hard to nip it in the bud, OP.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 27/02/2012 21:25

YABU, in several ways

For thinking it's acceptable for a 7 year old to boss you and her father around

For thinking bossy in the way that your DD is is acceptable

For taking no notice of the teachers and other parents who are politely trying to tell you that you need to sort out your daughter's attitude I wouldn't imagine many of the other parents are keen on your daughter telling them what to do all the time.

Whilst at 7, other children may be too weak to stand up to your daughter and might do as she says, by the time she is at secondary school she will be very unpopular. No one likes a bossy boots!

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 22:02

Who said she tells other adults what to do?! She doesn't
Also, no one has approached me about her bossiness. I approached the teacher and parents after worrying about it myself and her friends telling her

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 27/02/2012 22:09

Yes but they still said she was bossy didn't they? Why did you approach them if her bossiness doesn't bother you?

CrabbyBigbottom · 27/02/2012 22:11

I find the way this thread has gone to be a bit bizarre - where does the OP say that 'everyone' is complaining about her DD? She says that other kids have called DD bossy, but that no parent has specifically mentioned it to her, and that the teacher says she's no more bossy than the other 'bossy' kids - a trait that's very common in 7 yr old children! People on here seem to be overreacting big time.

OP my DD (9) is bossy. I feel like I spend most of my time saying 'no' to her. Like yours, she can also be very kind and empathetic, but she certainly wants to control everything around her - it makes her feel more secure, I think. I don't have any answers, I'm afraid - I often wonder whether I'm too tough on my DD. I'm naturally bossy and controlling too, and struggle constantly with myself to keep that at bay. It's hard for me to watch DD make the same mistakes that I'm prone to. Sad I talk to her a lot about it, and she does have awareness that other children don't want to be told what to do. It doesn't help that she's an only, either, I think - kids with siblings get the corners knocked off them a bit more. Luckily she's friends with three sisters and spends a lot of time with them, so she does have to negotiate with children who are used to jostling for position! She's got lots of good points too, by the way, the bossiness is only one facet of her personality.

If you were letting your DD get away with bossing you around, and if other parents and teachers had been mentioning your DD's bossiness to you, then I think your OP would be a bit unreasonable. But it didn't read that way to me.

CrabbyBigbottom · 27/02/2012 22:12

Cross posted with you OP.

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 22:26

Thankyou crabby I thought people were adding bits on and exagerating a bit! Thought maybe, I hadn't been very clear

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Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 22:32

We've got dd2 and I see she has potential ad a worthy adversary, but still too young yet

You can tell them and tell them....beyond that, I think they may have to suffer the consequences from their peers?

And yes, the bosiness is part of an otherwise lovely package, like yours its not her only characteristic

I am wondering about the control issue-and wondering if its part of her ADHD. if she controls it, she understands it....maybe?

OP posts:
ComposHat · 27/02/2012 23:44

dickiedavies If you re-read my previous post, I wasn't saying I adopt a 'my way or the highway' attitude, I was referring to my sister and that het behavior towards partners has made sustaining a long term relationship difficult as she won't give an inch.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 28/02/2012 00:00

Sorry for any confusion ComposHat, it wasn't you I was referring to, it was imnotmymum. FWIW I agree with your posts.

ComposHat · 28/02/2012 00:04

Cheers dickie!

imnotmymum · 28/02/2012 07:53

just a thought would you like your child to bit bossy/assertive/confident or how the other child turn out when she says "my mum says you're bossy" a two faced back stabber gossipper

Callisto · 28/02/2012 08:25

I too am amazed at the responses on this thread. It has gone totally off the scale. A seven year old is bossy? Shock fucking horror. Most seven year olds could be described as bossy fgs. The teacher is not worried about her behaviour, no one has complained and yet everyone is jumping in and telling you that you have to nip it in the bud before she turns into some kind of Hitler? Bizarre.

Personally, I would far rather have a bossy child than a wimpy wallflower incapable of standing up for her/himself. And no, I am not talking about a bully or bullying behaviour which is quite different.