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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think being bossy isnt such a bad thing?

130 replies

bejeezus · 27/02/2012 14:33

my dd is 7yo and is lovely. Really good at making friends where ever she goes, happy, cheerful, energetic, a chatterbox, a bit ADHD. But she's bossy! there is no doubt about it. She bosses me and her dad at home. She bosses her imaginary friends. And, she bosses her real friends! I know from what she has said, that her friends have complained about this to her. I know that some parents have made comments. her teacher said she is no bossier than any of the other bossy kids (many of which are her friends).

I have witnessed her initiating compromises when people dont want to play her games/her rules. She insists that she does take it in turns to decide what is being played at school. We have had endless talks about 'being bossy' and 'how she would feel if her friends were bossing her....' Bottom line is though, she says she likes being bossy! She appears to understand the consequences and appears to have made a conscious decision to be bossy!

I am not bossy at all...Im not sure how much I should be trying to crack this. Being bossy is certainly a legitimate characteristic that has its uses! AIBU to 'let her be bossy'?

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 27/02/2012 15:11

so is she denying other people their rights wow did not know a 7 year old have so much power. I have done something wrong. My daughter 2 was a lot more bossy/assertive[ think same thing at this level she not a dictator from the middle east] and know DD 1 is with DD3 now and again and my baby boy [8] likesw to think he is but his 3 big sisters do not let him !!!!

mrsshears · 27/02/2012 15:14

bejeezus
Going on how i am as a parent it would take me alot to mention something, in fact there are even things that i probably should have mentioned to other parents but havent as to avoid confrontation, my point being i would listen to the other parents as ime people dont normally mention things unless they really have to.

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 15:24

Parents haven't mentioned it to me. It was a child saying 'my mum says your bossy' to my dd

I asked another couple of mums and there replies were-yes, it is a bossy group of girls...

I don't think it goes as far as 'denying other kids' anything! She has ability to compromise

She's not dreadful! See, there are other personality traits that annoy me more

No one is perfect

Suprised, more adults aren't owning up to being bossy

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2012 15:33

YABU... Assertive is a good quality, & taking the lead isn't a bad thing, but 'bossy' can get very close to 'bully'. Start by not letting her order you around at home or other adults. That's precocious behaviour and no-one likes that

imnotmymum · 27/02/2012 15:34

If you were to ask my friends[cannot believe I got any after realising how dreadful my personality is!!] my bossiness/assertiveness is what gets them something if they want it ... ask x to do it she always gets her own way !! so they love me for it [well they bloody have to it my way or the highway ALL their rights will be gone I tell you ] TBH the child who comes to play and does not say anything or when asked what do you want to play/do does not answer rarely gets asked again by kids [not me!!] kids loke someone with a bit of spirit

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 27/02/2012 15:35

I'm not really sure what the point of this thread is

bossiness is not a nice trait in either a child or an adult. being assertive and confident are good traits.

I steer well clear of bossy people and most people I know do too. Bossy people always have some mitigating factor (childhood illness, stressful job) which is supposed to excuse their behaviour. Trying to excuse the behaviour is basically admitting it is an unpleasant trait.

Clearly I don't know your daughter but if you are happy that she isn't going down the unbearable bossy path then I don't see why you are posting here

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 15:42

Half the threads on AIBU are a bit like that snowy

Just asking for opinions/experiences

You aren't obliged to give yours

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 27/02/2012 15:45

Bossy is one of those words almost always applied to girls for characteristics that are evident in boys too. If she were a boy most people would probably say she was loud, or just a typical boy.

Bossy kids can lean to the leadership or bullying side of telling people what to do. Just make sure she doesn't lean to the bullying side and encourage her to carve her own path, with consideration for others sure, but that doesn't mean she has to sit back and just let others do/decide it of she wants to too.

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 27/02/2012 15:53

I don't like bossy people and avoid socialising or working with them - but on the other hand I have seen that people like that, who are pretty oblivious to the feelings of those around them, can also be very successful in the right workplace

dandelionss · 27/02/2012 16:00

why do you and her dad let her boss you about?

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 16:08

That's interesting prospects My dd would definitely say she prefers playing with girls and she is very 'girly'. But, I have often observed that she plays much more 'successfully' with boys

OP posts:
MrsHeffley · 27/02/2012 16:09

Such that is rubbish re the boy thing,you get loud boys who aren't bossy the same as girls.

Imnot kids like some kids with spirit but not kids who boss,have everything their way-sorry.I've seen it time and time again.

I avoid bossy adults,kids avoid bossy kids.

ComposHat · 27/02/2012 16:12

But she's bossy! there is no doubt about it. She bosses me and her dad at home.

I am amazed that any parent, however simpering, would find it acceptable to be ordered around their own home by a small child. By tacitly approving this sort of behaviour you run the creating a monster.

It might be endearing in a seven year old, but how will you feel in five years or so when you are being told where you can and can't sit, eat or go on holiday by a gobby teenager.

Equally, children won't put up with this forever and I fear that she will be left friendless, unless she learns how to co-operate and empathise with others. My other concern is that this sort of behaviour can spill over into bullying or certainly be construed as such by others.

I think she needs to hear the word 'no' a hell of a lot more.

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 16:13

Haha dandelions We don't do what she tells us!

But, she always has very firm ideas about what will be happening e.g. if it is one of our birthdays-she knows exactly how we should be celebrating, where to go, what to wear, what we will eat. She likes to seat and serve everyone at home, organise games, drinks- 'hostess' in this example!

That's not to say we do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 16:15

Another example- trip to the zoo. She will know in her head what we will take for packed lunch and have itinerary of activities/schedule/route around zoo planned

We don't necessarily follow it

OP posts:
ComposHat · 27/02/2012 16:18

That's not to say we do it!

But do you actively challenge it? Do you say ' That is not the way to speak to Mum/Dad, please stop being so rude' or 'It is mum's birthday it is only fair to chose what she does on his special day?'

Ignoring her edicts and not challenging the way she speaks to you (and by extension others) is almost as bad. She is getting the message that this is an acceptable way to interact with others.

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 16:27

She doesn't say it in a rude way. But in an excited over enthusiastic way

But yes, she is challenged all the time. We are not simpering by any stretch. Have I given that impression?

OP posts:
VikingVagine · 27/02/2012 16:29

Sounds like a teacher in the making!

ComposHat · 27/02/2012 16:30

Err maybe a bit. from your OP it seems as if you are a bit besotted with your daughter and slightly blind to the consequences of her actions, in the short term for others and in the negative impact it may have on her as she gets older.

hiddenhome · 27/02/2012 16:30

ds1 still tries to boss us around, but he gets short shrift just as he did when he was younger. It's not a trait that I can accept or respect. It's not even about being assertive, because bossiness isn't assertiveness, it's just bossiness.

All the bossy kids I knew at school were usually the bullies Sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/02/2012 16:32

Bossiness is annoying and won't endear your child to anybody. The only people who value 'bossiness' are the ones who themselves are 'bossy'. Nobody listens to them or wants to spend time with them because it's exhausting listening to that noise.

I think you should be pulling your daughter up on this everytime you see it - she is going to be a very unhappy little girl if she presents this behaviour outside the home where other people won't put up with it.

Original poster
bejeezus · 27/02/2012 16:42

Well, even if I curb the nosiness I don't have a hope in hell of stopping the noise lying

compos no, its from the other direction really. I've been being really hard on her about it. Recently I've started to wonder if I'm too hard and I should just let her be who she is

Love the child you have, and not the one you thought you'd have, and all that!

OP posts:
ComposHat · 27/02/2012 16:58

compos no, its from the other direction really. I've been being really hard on her about it. Recently I've started to wonder if I'm too hard and I should just let her be who she is

I think you should keep at it. It won't do you or her any favours in the long-run. I have the experience of dealing with an extremely bossy sister whose childhood traits have been magnified in adulthood.

My sister is extremely academically able and my parents seemed to think her bossiness was an inevitable side effect of her intelligence. Her behaviour went largely unchecked, especially by my dad.

At the age of 28 she is a very short tempered adult, who can come across as spectacularly rude if thwarted. She doesn't really do compromise or negotiation. I don't think it is coincidence that all her long term boyfriends have cited her 'my way or the highway' approach as a reason why the relationship has floundered.

imnotmymum · 27/02/2012 18:06

well it worked for me 16 years happily with my darling slave erm husband !!!

ZZZenAgain · 27/02/2012 18:16

I think you would be wise to listen to the people who complain about her. The friends complain about her, their parents bring it up, the teacher brought it up. Something is not right and needs a bit of serious thought. IME bossy people are always widely disliked, without any exceptions. It is quite possible to be strong without being bossy. You need to find a way of guiding those traits which make up who she is specifically into something more palatable IMO. How many more people need to complain about it before you are willing to see that it is a problem for people? Do you see what I mean? Atm all the people she has a lot of contact to by the sounds of it outside your family are complaiining .