AIBU to think being bossy isnt such a bad thing?

[bejeezus]

my dd is 7yo and is lovely. Really good at making friends where ever she goes, happy, cheerful, energetic, a chatterbox, a bit ADHD. But she's bossy! there is no doubt about it. She bosses me and her dad at home. She bosses her imaginary friends. And, she bosses her real friends! I know from what she has said, that her friends have complained about this to her. I know that some parents have made comments. her teacher said she is no bossier than any of the other bossy kids (many of which are her friends).

I have witnessed her initiating compromises when people dont want to play her games/her rules. She insists that she does take it in turns to decide what is being played at school. We have had endless talks about 'being bossy' and 'how she would feel if her friends were bossing her....' Bottom line is though, she says she likes being bossy! She appears to understand the consequences and appears to have made a conscious decision to be bossy!

I am not bossy at all...Im not sure how much I should be trying to crack this. Being bossy is certainly a legitimate characteristic that has its uses! AIBU to 'let her be bossy'?

'But she's bossy! there is no doubt about it. She bosses me and her dad at home. She bosses her imaginary friends. And, she bosses her real friends! I know from what she has said, that her friends have complained about this to her. I know that some parents have made comments.

That's what the OP sdays about her daughter.It now seems to being watered down to being assertive.It's a shame and rather worrying many posters don't seem tobe able to differentiate between Bossiness (OP's DD) and assertiveness which is a positive personality trait.

And I easy that wallflower as a child. Which is why I do appreciate my dds ballsyness. I was never bullied but I was painfully shy and quite.

imnotmymum which is why I'm not sure how much notice I should be taking of what other child/mum says-i don't know in what context they discussed my dd. It may have been an earnest conversation about friendships/behaviours etc. But I definitely avoid talking about people in that way, to dd. And she wears her heart on her sleeve, no covert gossiping there!

I'm bossy and proud OP

I try not to be, however I can only stand "faffing" for so long before I have to make a suggestion about what to do.

So, for example, if me and a group of friends are all stood in the middle of the street deciding which bar to go into, I would be the one who after listening for 5 mins of indecision, would say "right, shall we try this one?" I don't care where we go I am just frustrated no one can make a decision. Just decide, it isn't that hard!!

With DH I may be a little more forthright. However, it means that everything gets done, and on time, and I am much better at organising and remembering than he is.

And I always say please and thank you for the duration of the bossing

FWIW I have a large social group of friends, a wonderful assertive successful husband (want to make the point he isn't cowed lol) and a senior management position where I have turned bossiness into a knack for problem solving.

It's all good!

Bossiness in kids is fine, spoilt whinging behaviour is not. I think that is the difference.

Didn't Thatcher say something about there being no difference other than gender between great leadership and bossiness?

My elder sister was always very bossy. She now edits one of the BBC Radio 4 flagship programmes.

I don't want to comment on a small child here, but the trouble with bossy people is that they are so convinced that they are right all the time and that their way is best, that people cannot love them.

Now, OK, in business bossiness is the way forward and a positive attribute, it gets respect.

In personal life, however, bossiness is bad, your family and friends may respect your forthrightness but they sure as hell don't love you.

My mil is like this: always, always right, totally lacking in empathy, my dh only contacts her out of duty and both of her daughters use her in a negative way: one is very selfish and my mil has been of use to her over the years but now mil is useless to her and she wants her to move away. The other one and her don't get on at all.

She is going to end up in a home, because it is LOVE that makes people care for you, not how much you can order them about. I don't care myself as she has never given a fig about anybody else and their point of view.

I enjoy getting one over on here, though, bossy people tend to wear their heart on their sleeves all the time. They're no mystery because they don't tend to be machiavellian. I am. But you wouldn't think it to meet me.

Oh my goodness, a Thatcher quote which I like

This is what I want to hear billy! I've been thinking about the 2 very bossy friends that I have. It is them I turn to in a crisis, or if I feel rubbish. Because I know they will just take over for a bit, relieve me of inane decision making for a bit and give me Forthright advice (which I'm not obliged to take!). I trust them and they are caring and empathic. Being bossy hasn't robbed them of all their other positive personality traits

Yeah, we don't tolerate any whining. Dd isn't spoilt

Sorry, that should be 'getting one over on her.

In personal life, however, bossiness is bad, your family and friends may respect your forthrightness but they sure as hell don't love you.

Thank you for this insight. I shall pass your comments on to my immediate family and close friends.

You are also confusing selfishness with bossiness clicarhel.

By the way, by all accounts, Thatcher's children have little to do with her now. Yeah, like I said, bossiness is good in business.

I wouldn't worry too much about bossiness if it weren't for the fact that it can affect other people longterm.

I was a bossy child and I do believe in retrospect that it was one of the factors around my brother's poor self confidence (which is still a problem to him in middle age). It would have been better for both of us if our parents had been firmer with me and not let me get away with it because I was clever and endearing.

Ds had a bossy friend in infants school and it wasn't long before ds' confidence took a nose dive. His friend has since matured and become a lovely boy, but ds' confidence took longer to recover.

Nobody loves a bossy boots, BillyBollyBandy. I bet some of your friends use your openness and forthrightness to their own advantage, like my manipulative, machiavellian sister-in-law.

I hate bossy adults. It's another of these "rudeness as a positive" annoyances, such as "Well I tell it how it is" and "It's just how I am". Which would be great, if you didn't ever have to interact with other people.

I find most children quite bossy, though and it's quite sweet up to a certain age.

If she is bossy but is initiating compromise, then I don't think you have a problem. Most kids want things their own way, but by compromising and being fair I would say that she will not have a problem keeping friends. I say this as
A 'bossy' woman who also has a bossy daughter! I saw from the age of about 18 months that dd was very strong willed, and I have spent the last 3 years in teaching her to respect other people's point of view and to stick up for other kids to make sure they get a chance rather than just accepting that people will just do as she says because she is bossy.
I think as adults it's very easy to go from being bossy to being domineering and arrogant which not how I want to be so I work hard on curbing my bossy impulses!

I am bossy, but in a nice way. Like the poster above, when you have a group of people dithering it ends up being me saying 'right are we all happy with doing x then?'.

I think if I was a man I'd be seen as an assertive leader, its just a stupid sexist thing that women get to have the crappy label of 'bossy'.

And yes I have lots of friends, am empathetic and I am always the one that is there in a crisis.

I was like this as a child, the one writing the plans of what to do on holiday and inventing clubs and so on.

OP your daughter sounds lovely and I am sure she will go onto great things!

clicarhel I would hope my friends do use my bossiness to their own advantage - that is why we are friends! That is why I helped with my friend's wedding the other week (at her request, I didn't mention it at all) because she needed help getting the small bridesmaid's ready.

It is also why I am a good campaigner for Barnardo's and good at organising fund raising events for them, not my paid job btw.

It can be a positive personality trait as well, and is often shown as assertiveness or good leadership in adults. Bossy adult men are often seen as alpha males are they not?

Saying that if you are bossy no one will love you is an absurd statement.

Bossy people tend to get things done at the cost of their own popularity. So it is a double-edged sword. Except that DD1 appears to be able to be both bossy and popular- she must do it right. From age 5, she was my diary secretary- with 3 young children at different schools the paperwork was unimaginable (about ten forms a week to fill in) and she marshalled it all and made sure everything was signed and in school bags.

You could try to teach her nice ways of influencing sisuations that mean that she gets a say in games without making herself the centre of every one. She will need to know how to do that in life, no harm in starting young. Also please teach her that she HAS to take her turn.

Oh and I am not rude - I don't tell people what to do, I suggest solutions. That is very different.

Being forthright is not being bossy imo. Neither is being rude. Or trampling over the wishes/feelings of others.

YANBU there is nothing worse than a group full of "oh I don't mind"ers (who do mind really )

I am bossy, people love or hate it which is fine by me, I have no problem keeping friends infact I tend to make very loyal lifelong friends (rather than aquaintances) who trust my straighforward approach.

I like "bossy" children, cannot bear wet blankets who have to be coaxed into everything, find them exhausting, really really hard work! Find bossy children much easier to entertain because they come to you with much more initiative!.

yes, why if a girl is dominant (bossy) it is seen as a negative trait, and if a boy is dominant he is "a natural leader" an "alpha male" and it is a good thing?!

Let her be as bossy as she likes, she will be corrected by her peers (I was), and it taught me to be more diplomatic about my need to lead!

And I don't TELL people what to do, I offer suggestions and ask if anyone else has any, if they say they don't then moan later then I don't see how that's my fault. Someone has to come up with something or you'll never go anywhere.

I like it when people offer a contrasting idea/opinion/suggestion, I prefer that to "oh whatever I really don't mind" (then cats bum all evening before it finally turns out they don't like thai food )

YY, bossy really is a word applied to girls and women, isn't it? And so outdated "Boss-y"- as in: "Ooh, look, a woman, trying to act like a boss with her little corner of power." I prefer "proactive and assertive" and fully appreciate people of any gender who display these characteristics. Yes, an organisation full of "bossy" people may lead to clashes, but they are clashes wrought by people speaking their mind instead of hedging and dissembling.

Much easier to deal with assertive people than people who go along with arrangements because they don't want to assert themselves, and then whinge about things later. At least there's a debate possible there.

There's bossy with empathy/compromise, and there is bossy without. I have a lovely friend who is the former, but would run a mile from the latter, they are the original PITA people.

Many top businesspeople are bossy without- proof that it does get things done. You can't afford to pussyfoot around if you have a project that needs bringing to fruition.

Well nobody loves my mil, BillyBollyBandy, maybe because she 'suggests solutions' all the time making other people feel like shit. One of her daughters didn't speak to her for several years, the other uses her to her own advantage -just that now her usefulness has come to an end. Myself? Well let's just say that I don't actively encourage my forgetful, procrastinating dh who always thinks 'I'll do it tomorrow' to contact his mummy. Like I said, people put up with this in an employer/boss because they get paid.