Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think being bossy isnt such a bad thing?

130 replies

bejeezus · 27/02/2012 14:33

my dd is 7yo and is lovely. Really good at making friends where ever she goes, happy, cheerful, energetic, a chatterbox, a bit ADHD. But she's bossy! there is no doubt about it. She bosses me and her dad at home. She bosses her imaginary friends. And, she bosses her real friends! I know from what she has said, that her friends have complained about this to her. I know that some parents have made comments. her teacher said she is no bossier than any of the other bossy kids (many of which are her friends).

I have witnessed her initiating compromises when people dont want to play her games/her rules. She insists that she does take it in turns to decide what is being played at school. We have had endless talks about 'being bossy' and 'how she would feel if her friends were bossing her....' Bottom line is though, she says she likes being bossy! She appears to understand the consequences and appears to have made a conscious decision to be bossy!

I am not bossy at all...Im not sure how much I should be trying to crack this. Being bossy is certainly a legitimate characteristic that has its uses! AIBU to 'let her be bossy'?

OP posts:
shreddedmum · 28/02/2012 09:43

clicharel you seem to be mistaking bossiness for selfishness and some personality disorders too

my friends would agree I am bossy, not one of them would entertain the suggestion that I am selfish or lack empathy

Whatmeworry · 28/02/2012 09:44

Many top businesspeople are bossy without- proof that it does get things done. You can't afford to pussyfoot around if you have a project that needs bringing to fruition.

There is quite a lot of research showing that sociopaths excel in Corporate life :)

I agree re needing drivers to get things done, but in my experience those without empathy/compassion/EI etc tend to fail a lot if they have to rely on others in any way.

But that is the work environment - I'd never choose to be friends with them, and will always avoid them/subvert them at work :)

shreddedmum · 28/02/2012 09:44

your MIL sounds like she has MANY unpleasant personality traits, she is just bossy with it

shreddedmum · 28/02/2012 09:48

well I haven't excelled professionally (yet, anyway), my better achievements tend to be my personal relationships..

a lot of other personality traits are being tagged on to bossiness here

yes bossiness AND lack of empathey AND selfishness = pretty unlovable

that's not what the OP asked though

you can be bossy and caring and many other good things with it

clicarhel · 28/02/2012 09:48

Not at all, shreddedmum, selfishness may not have anything to do with being bossy! My sil is very selfish and very manipulative. She is not bossy at all.

Whatmeworry, yep, they do. But who cares if they fail? They live by the motto of not being compassionate and empathetic to others, of ignoring other people's feelings and thoughts and opinions, of making others feel disrpescted and small. How can a person actually be bossy if they don't think that they are ALWAYS right?

As far as I am concerned, when a bossy person gets scared, I think them.

TinyPants · 28/02/2012 09:50

I wouldn't think twice about calling a man bossy and have heard it done a lot at work. There is a marked difference between being assertive and bossy. I'm getting images of a group of "The Apprentice" like personalities here.

I feel that in my line of work if one person is always "the leader" it discourages other, perhaps quieter people who may have better ideas from speaking up. My team are all there through merit, not the forcefulness of their characters and they shouldnt have to fight to be heard. Bossy people upset natural group dynamics and sometimes it's true that empty vessels make the most noise. Not always, of course.

PamPerdbrat · 28/02/2012 09:52

I was a dominant child, a lot of people assumed I was a tomboy but I wasn't. I also used to hate the 'bossy' comments. I wasn't, but when my friends came over I wanted to get away from the adults do I'd say 'let's go and play in my room, come on'. I'd always be the one initiating play/games.

I now work in a male oriented environment, which can be intimidating. But I feel my personality of 'let's crack on' has given me the edge. I just don't have time for wishy washy, flaky people who float through life not getting the job in hand sorted.

I am big hearted and sometimes overly generous at times, which has grown over time and balanced out the assertiveness, but that's come with age. Don't get involved with what her friends say; that's her business and she'll learn to tone it down if she needs to. She's only 7, she's still finding her feet personality wise.

I think bossiness can be often mistaken for confidence, which people seem to dislike in little girls. If she wants to be the organiser; great. Some people criticised me for being 'too organised' when I was young. I remember teachers telling my mum 'she's very confident isn't she?' as if it was a bad thing. I was a feminist at an early age; I had the confidence to question teachers about women's rights etc, but other people laughed at me. I was only about 8!

But I'm the one laughing now. My confidence has earned me a good job with a well respected position with a great company.

shreddedmum · 28/02/2012 09:52

"They live by the motto of not being compassionate and empathetic to others"

you are talking about a SUBSET of bossy people here who also have personality dissorders, which is a bit of a diversion TBH

You can be bossy without thinking you are right by being the one to brain storm, I'll often play devils advocate when friends come to me with problems to help them look at things from ALL angles and make their own decisions, I don't think it's right I just offer up different angles

I am called bossy because I speak up, I speak up if I see bullying etc which is VERY unselfish because it puts me at risk of it being turned on me

clicarhel · 28/02/2012 09:52

I'll never forget my nephew's wedding last year. His wife-to-be had specifically asked my mil who had kindly offered to do the flower arrangements (kindly, bossy people are never kind, they use kindness as a front to be in charge always). She had asked for roses, mil did not think roses appropriate so she arranged some other flowers, instead.
This is the kind of crap you endure with a bossy person.

PamPerdbrat · 28/02/2012 09:55

Add message | Report | Message poster Whatmeworry Tue 28-Feb-12 09:44:09
Many top businesspeople are bossy without- proof that it does get things done. You can't afford to pussyfoot around if you have a project that needs bringing to fruition.

There is quite a lot of research showing that sociopaths excel in Corporate life

But a lot of the people you're talking about aren't sociopaths; they're just nasty people! Who you wouldn't call bossy. Just a bit of a twat. And laugh about them in the bar later!

crashdoll · 28/02/2012 10:06

There's lot of justification going on here. Being assertive and confident is a trait that will endear you to people. Being bossy will not. People are often afraid to stand up to bossy people.

I wouldn't worry too much about a bossy 7 yr old but make sure you lay down the law now before it gets too much. Her friends have said something, so you do need to keep an eye on this.

imnotmymum · 28/02/2012 10:14

btw poster who said about me putting my way or the highway i was just joking !!! I let them pick their own lunches when we out ... sometimes ha ha no seriously joking !!!!!!!

SuchProspects · 28/02/2012 10:15

Clicarhel - If that's your definition of bossy, the OP's DD doesn't fit it, so she really doesn't have to be at all concerned does she?

PamPerdbrat · 28/02/2012 10:24

crashdoll I think a lot of people mistake bossiness for confidence. Especially in girls. Almost like they prefer girls if they're quiet and shy. Now there's a lovely message...

imnotmymum · 28/02/2012 11:30

we shall be seen and not heard !!

dandelionss · 28/02/2012 12:40

Oh dear! The feminists have arrived!

imnotmymum · 28/02/2012 12:43

OMG I am totally not a feminist just agreeing with the conception of forceful girls being bossy and boys as confidence that all just giggling to myself as some people say your girls loud -for girls ??? what does that mean

pictish · 28/02/2012 12:48

I disagree. I (personally) find a "confident" alpha male type boy child, every bit as much of a pain in the arse as any bossy do-it-my-way-or-I'll-chuck-a-benny girl!

Some kids just need to learn to get over themselves, boy OR girl.

Gipfeli · 28/02/2012 12:59

Is she bossy or opinionated?

Your examples about trip to zoo etc strike me as more just opinionated. It sounds there like she has strong ideas about what she wants to do and is not afraid to express them. Personally I think that's ok (good, even) provided it doesn't go to the extent of absolutely always overruling other people's opinions (which from your posts it doesn't sound to be like it does)

I am bossy as you have described it. I don't much care. People are free to ignore me if they wish.

Original poster
bejeezus · 28/02/2012 13:22

And the feminists are very welcome Brew

Maybe she is opinionated rather than bossy, maybe I am doing her a disservice here. I'm not sure of the definitions now, but she isn't fitting the profile a lot of the earlier posts inferred. She isn't mean and tantrumy at all. It's all in the spirit of inclusiveness.

I enjoy her enthusiasm and like that she thinks ahead and plans and wants to help and be involved. I don't want to discourage that and make her 'quiet'

It seems that whether you are bossy and popular or bossy and despised, depends on the other personal characteristics that you have....

OP posts:
crashdoll · 28/02/2012 13:50

The only thing in your original post that sounds like an issue to me is that her friends have commented on it.

imnotmymum · 28/02/2012 13:55

yes but her friend commented on it as her [the friends]mum commented to her probably never occurred to the child that she was bossy it is just how x is !!

CrabbyBigbottom · 28/02/2012 13:57

Glad to see this thread has balanced out a bit now. Grin

Clicarhel you seem to basing all your observations and assumptions about 'bossy' people on just one person - your MIL. Not all people are the same (or even remotely similar) because they share a characteristic in common, you know. So your MIL being bossy does not really mean that you can generalise things about her (in particular that you don't think anyone loves her) to all people who have bossiness as a trait. Hmm

HappyJoyful · 28/02/2012 14:00

my cousin's wife got called into nursery years ago and got told her dd was being 'bossy' cousin's wife said excuse me no 'she's being assertive, exactly like I've taught her' made me chuckle.. said dd is now smart, intelligent, kind, caring 18year old

MrsHeffley · 28/02/2012 14:02

No don' t agree with the boy girl thing at all.I've seen bossy boys,bossy girls,assertive girls,assertive boys.

Gender has nothing at all to do with this.

Bossiness in a child boy or girl is not a quality to celebrate.

Swipe left for the next trending thread