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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel irritated when women say they go back to work when their dc are little to set them good example

167 replies

boinging · 27/02/2012 12:07

I keep hearing it on the news. Are people trying to imply i am a bad role model because i stay at home to look after my dc?

OP posts:

ScaredyCate · 28/02/2012 15:03

I was really pushed at school, girls into science was getting a lot of funding at the time and I went off to do a high flying degree at an excellent university. I came out with a good degree that very few women get, in a field totally dominated by men. I worked for a years in a research facility on exciting projects and it was great. But I wanted children and when I found my DH I wanted to settle down and I was so torn. I ended up switching to teaching for while but now am a SAHM.

In some ways I feel like a total failure because of all the hype about what women can do/should do. I ought to be still achieving, climbing the ladder in a research company but instead today I helped my DD make a cotton wool and glitter collage at playgroup and made a fuss of her for doing a wee in the toilet. Its not what I was pushed for at school but its the best thing I've ever done and I'm happy.

I want the path to be clear for my daughters to be able to get into the boardroom of a top business but at the same time I don't want to make them feel failures if they give it up to stay at home with children, not if that is what makes them feel fulfilled, like it does for me.
I don't know how those two things can be achieved though, because the push for women to succeed in top business does seem to make SAHM of less value and if every woman was a SAHM it would make the path for women to the top of business harder. So maybe its always going to be tough whichever path you choose, maybe the two options can't co-exist nicely.

LetsKateWin · 28/02/2012 15:05

YABU. It's not a personal dig at you. They're doing what they feel is right for their family.

I knew someone who worked in order to set her children a good example when she would have been better on benefits. I think that's a great example to set.

I always think that some parents do things that we wouldn't do and we do some things that other parents wouldn't. As long as DP and I are happy with our choices then I don't really care what other people think about the way we bring up DD.

Archemedes · 28/02/2012 15:10

At the jobcentre meeting the woman said to me , 'you wanna go to work don't you to set a good example'

his Dad works 40 years ago no-one would have batted an eyelid.

wordfactory · 28/02/2012 15:12

scaredy therein lies the rub.

We all want our DDs to be able to reach for their dreams...but there have to be women in place doing it to show the way. Yet we may not want to be those women. Very difficult.

toptramp · 28/02/2012 15:14

The truth is op is that most people HAVE to back to work due to finacial reasons or as in my case get thoroughly bored staying at home. I am also a single mum and working has given me my self exteem back.
I am really not a small child kind of person and I admire those who are. I don't think anyone should be judged for their decision and tbh those women who say they are setting a good example are partly right and partly feeling guilty. Each to their own.So yabu really.

ScaredyCate · 28/02/2012 15:17

LetsKateWin "I knew someone who worked in order to set her children a good example when she would have been better on benefits. I think that's a great example to set"

Yes, I agree that where possible (and I know it isn't always possible) children should see someone in the family working to support the family. So I think in that situation I would try to work rather than soley being on benefits, situation permitting.
But for many SAHMs it isn't about that. We live as a family off DHs income with careful budgetting, I look after the children and I don't think they are missing out on a work ethic role model at all.

ScaredyCate · 28/02/2012 15:21

Word Thats it exactly.

Its impossible - I could go back to my old high flying career and years down the line my DDs may feel guilty that they want to be SAHMs when their mum was a career woman OR I stay as a SAHM because its what makes me happy and suits our family and my DDs don't think that they can have a big career because they'll only end up at home with babies anyway. Who knows??!!

nannipigg · 28/02/2012 15:28

I was really lucky to have a reasonably well paid job up until I had DD, so I could afford to stay off work....I didn't claim benefits....only did when I had my op for 10 weeks.
It's awful that people have to go back to work earlier than they want to but unfortunately everyone needs an income these days :-(

NowThenWreck · 28/02/2012 15:35

But..can't you do both? Most women live to be over 80.
In this long life, can't you spend a few short years at home, and do those other, high flying things as well?

IMO, a large part of this problem that women seem to face is down to ageism.

Women who want to pick up their careers where they left off may find it hard in a workplace where thrusting youth and vigour are so highly valued, and life experience and perspective less so.

I say ageism, because if you have a high flying career, it probably took you a good while to work your way up to it, and so by the time your children are of an age where you want to go back to work, you could easily be well over 40.

wordfactory · 28/02/2012 16:00

I think it's difficult to get back into many careers after extended periods away.

As it is I don't want to go back and have forged a new career which ahs led to lots of new opportunities. Bt if that were not the case I think I would have struggled to gte back into law and I certainly couldn't have just taken up a position on the bench.

ScaredyCate · 28/02/2012 16:07

Yes, I'd struggle to go back to my original career now, more chance of going back to teaching I think.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2012 17:45

"I say ageism, because if you have a high flying career, it probably took you a good while to work your way up to it, and so by the time your children are of an age where you want to go back to work, you could easily be well over 40"

Good point. I was 45 when I went back to work.

scottishmummy · 28/02/2012 20:12

in many careers a few short years absence= struggle to get back at same level,loss of contacts,professional developments all in your absence

kerala · 29/02/2012 10:08

Life is long (hopefully) there are other options. Wouldn't want my old high flying job back thanks very much happy to leave it to the twenty somethings to work all hours and jet around the world good luck to them.

meravigliosa · 29/02/2012 17:14

I went back to work primarily because of need to earn money and also because I would have lost ground professionally by staying out.

But I was pleased with report of when DD1 playing house with male cousin. He says: I am daddy and I am going out to work. DD1: I am mummy and I am going out to work too.

nannipigg · 03/03/2012 12:14

I just am so happy that I can both work at home these days and look after my DD most days....

Hecubasdaughter · 03/03/2012 15:48

I think it is setting a good example if the alternative is relying 100% on benefits so winning £10mil on the lottery is irrelevant. I would use that as an opportunity to stay at home for longer as I wouldn't need benefits.

My dd2 is 3months old.. I am job hunting and if I ever succeed I will be working 2 jobs. Yes loads of people think it makes me a bad mother. The alternative for me of not finding work is bankruptcy, homelessness and possibly losing my DC. Then again since I'm so crap at everything perhaps that would actually better for dds.

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