to feel irritated when women say they go back to work when their dc are little to set them good example

[boinging]

I keep hearing it on the news. Are people trying to imply i am a bad role model because i stay at home to look after my dc?

good even

duckdodgers Your DH is actively criticising all the men who work and implying they are bad fathers.

It just doesn't matter! If one parent wants to stay home, and the family can afford it-fine! I have no problem with that. If a parent needs and wants to work-also fine!
I don't care what other people do, and I don't care what they say. I only care how my son feels, and how I feel.
My son is interested in what I do for a job, and he also loves it on the rare occasions I help out at school.
I just think it's important to show your kids that you are engaged and inolved in life, whatever that may entail.

barbigirl - duckdodgers Your DH is actively criticising all the men who work and implying they are bad fathers.

How do you figure that then?

Because where in my post does it say that?

Right because my DH chooses to be a SAHD that means he is criticising all men who work - youre barking up the very wrong tree Barbi! So by your reckoning then all SAHMs are criticising Mums who work?!

Its ok to admit its frustrating and boring being at home with young children you know - because it can be. Just like it can be frustrating and boring working outwith the home to.

barbigirl?

That entirely contradicts what you wrote earlier:
If a man stays at home to look after his kids, he is providing a good role model that men can be just as nurturing and attentive parents as women. He is also, implicitly and explicitly saying to other men that it's okay for him to do things that aren't within his traditional gender stereo type. My DH is a brilliant role model for my sons cos he earns a living but manages his work so that he can spend loads of time with them. No other men are criticising him for doing this.

Are you feeling okay?

I think barbigirl was being ironic.

YANBU. The "setting a good example" thing irritates me too. The implication is that women who stay at home aren't setting a good example.

The truth is that people don't go to work to set a good example to their offspring. They go to work for the most part to earn money. I suppose some lucky people also go to work because they enjoy their jobs or, at any rate, enjoy being at work more than they enjoy being at home with children (which is pretty boring, I'll agree).

The question is, if you won £10m on the lottery, would you still go to work to "set a good example"? Or would setting a good example suddenly become less important?

I work from home after having my DD (now nearly 4) I did take 2 years off totally from work, due to ill health and recovering from an op. I love being at home for her and I don't miss any milestones, but I do miss the company of work friends x

Ohhhhhh

"The thing is if a mother goes out to work then of course she is setting an example that women can be mothers and work. That is just obvious."

"And what should also be obvious is that staying at home to raise the family should be seen as an equally valuable contribution.

Except it isn't."

Exactly soupdragon.

"The truth is that people don't go to work to set a good example to their offspring. They go to work for the most part to earn money."

yy to this

The 'good example' thing is a crock.

I think it's a great shame that raising a family isn't seen to be equally valuable to working. I have always thought that it is and can see it's not an easy job by any means.

For me, raising the next generation is vitally important, but a lot of people seem not to see it that way. Very short sighted imo.

In today's economic climate it's a matter of survival for many and there isn't a choice to be made. I admire those who do have the choice though, as I know many do make sacrifices to be at home full time.

Both my parents were working when we were growing up, they were BOTH providing for us. I couldn't imagine not working at all. I like the feeling to provide for my family too much, I wouldn't expect my dh to carry all the pressure to provide for his children.

Also, if I was a sahm, I would be to scared about the future, what happened if the breadwinner lose his job or even die ?

YANBU. You are a good role model if you work or SAH.

But what value would you like to be placed upon it?
Presumably you think it's valuable. Presumably your DH does.

Why do you need acknowledgement from those not within your family?

Do you really think how you raise your family is of any great interest to anyone else? As long as you raise law abiding functioning members of society, it's really none of my business how you do it. If you choose to do it by staying at home then that is your business not mine.

Similarly, how I run my family, I'm sure, is of no consequence to you. There is no inherent value in how I do it. Not to you anyway. I don't seek any outside approval for how I do it.

Actually scrap that. I think if you need to work for the money, that is just life. Although in lots of families both parent's work for the money to go on luxury holidays, big tvs etc

If you decide to work because you don't want to stay at home, can't bare it blah, blah, then actually I think you are being a pretty bad example to your DCs.

Does that apply to fathers too, or is it only mothers who are only allowed to work if their (presumably feckless) husband fails to earn enough?

Each to their own, i say.

If you want to stay at home and can afford to do so, then do it.

However, its not for me, so i go to work.

I don't think either should be criticised, as working mothers get bad press too.

Why is it all down to mums? Children need many role models, not just mum. In our house DH works a fulltime job and I am a SAHM to two toddlers.

I wonder if some of the bad feeling and judgements made about SAHM is based on the assumption that we must be claiming benefits to be able to stay at home. As if we are being lazy and expecting someone else to pay our way and therefore setting a bad example by not supporting our family.
But I don't claim any benefits, we live carefully off DHs income. Though to be fair we do receive child benefit but then almost everyone does and its universal - well for the time being, we'll lose it next year I think.

The DC see different positive roles being modelled by different people within the friends and family, it isn't all down to whether I happen to currently work or not. I will go back to work but probably not for a few years yet.

When I was teaching the children that I felt had no concept of a work ethic were some (not all!!) of the ones from the sink estate where for the last two generations no one within the family has ever worked. Having a job and working hard was a foreign concept to some of them (the minority I hasten to add). That is not at all the case for most families who have a SAHM and I really believe that you can instill a work ethic without being in paid employment.

There are a million things that you can do as a SAHM to teach children the value of money, that hard work and perseverance pays off, that you need to think of others before yourself, that you have to take responsibility for yourself and your things. All qualities you need to have to have a successful working life, all can be taught by a SAHM.

I don't know why different women have to be in competition with each other, we can all do different things, SAHM, part time working, full time working or whatever and be good, decent people instilling good, decent values in our kids. There is no medal at the end, it isn't a competition.

I guess the only thing you can say in favour of working mothers being a good role model for girls is that for large sections of society it wasn't the norm for previous generations. So going out to work is saying 'Look, you can also do this'. In the same way that fathers staying at home are also saying the same thing to boys. Of course in many cases there isn't much choice so whether it is a good role model is entirely moot. I have no idea what my working, and earning considerably more than DH until a year or so ago, says to my DD. The only thing I hope it says is 'you have a choice'

dancingonthinice I must be a terrible example then. I work primarily to help support my family, I also work as I am not cut out to be a full time SAHM.
As much as I adore my dc's if I didn't work I would go spare, if that makes a crap mum, terrible example etc. so be it.

I agree with the poster who mentioned children growing up in areas where it is the norm not to work, I was raised for some years by my mum on her own in a Jeremy Kyle style area, she has worked since I can remember, therefore for me, working was the normal thing to do. I never questioned it, it was simply something that you did.

As for those who think women working out of the home is a relatively new thing, who do you think played a big role in staffing the mills, the factories etc? Working class women have always worked in order to provide for the family.

Cross posts with about a hundred people there.

I work primarily to stop us defaulting on our mortgage payments. We are camping this year.

But I wouldn'tbe working if I wasn't lucky enough to have affordable childcare and a partner who is fairly flexible.

orm I think makes a good point.

There are far too few women in the top tier of business, the law, politics, medicine, finance and media.
Girls do need role models ie women actually doing it and living the life rather than telling them they can do anyhting.

I gave up the law just as I'd been accepted to the judiciary and I do often question that. It was right at the time for me, but it would have been an excellent thing to show my DD and other girls what women can do.