to feel irritated when women say they go back to work when their dc are little to set them good example

[boinging]

I keep hearing it on the news. Are people trying to imply i am a bad role model because i stay at home to look after my dc?

yes, imagine a man saying 'I work to set the kids a good example.' They don't say it because they are not constantly being expected to justify their careers. (I wonder if SAHDs ever use it though - you can imagine 'It sets the kids a good example to show that men can be just as good at caring as women.')

It seems to go like this whenever people have a big decision to make.

Before:
both options have pros and cons
I could do either, I hope I make the right choice
people who take either option probably took the one that was right for them

After:
the option I took is not just right for me but the correct choice
I couldn't possibly have made the other choice
people who made the other choice are wrong

I think there is something in human psychology that, once you have made a choice, you have to convince yourself that it is right so that you don't regret it

Well I work to give my child a standard of living I could not provide by staying at home so YANBU to get wound up by this perception that by choosing to be a SAHM you are somehow surrendering to a mans whim or devaluing yourself as a female role model.

But YABU if you jump to the conclusion that somehow every person who is proud of the decision they made are running you down.

Don't be so sensitive, do your own thing with conviction and your child will ideally take the same path

God imagine if the setting a good example thing was taken to its logical conclusion...one would have to set a good example to ones DC ALL THE TIME. That would mean:

eating only healthy food in front of them - you ate a biscuit with your coffee? You bad bad mother
never watching anything on TV that wasn't a worthy documentary
always being even tempered and cheerful
cycling everywhere, surely driving a car is bad for environment and therefore not a good example

etc etc

yes Trills. Or you didn't actually have a choice but you don't want to make yourself miserable by worrying about the outcome so you focus on the positives and try to believe that it was for the best.

Can we stop perpetuating myths about large numbers of working mothers being a relatively recent phenomenon in this country, please. I see this all the time and despair about how poor women are so easily edited out of history.

Extremely large proportions of poor women have always worked, whether they had children or not. Most Victorian women worked for wages, for example. Sure middle and upper class women didn't work, but most women were not middle or upper class. A lot of class prejudice exists around mothers who work, and it still shades the supposed 'controversy' about it today.

OP: why does it matter to you what reasons women give for working? Surely the real question is: why do mothers need to give reasons to justify their working at all?

SeaweedNK i think you get just as many comments if you don't go back to work. Quite a few have included 'brain dead' in them. I whole heartedly agree that we should not judge each other.

I think this thread needed to end after Wibblybibble's post as she provided the definitive answer.

Hmmm. I agree with everything that has been said upthread. Other factors to bear in mind would be:

• These people's own childhood experience. E.g. I find people who were raised in poverty and/or experienced their father leaving the family naturally place much more emphasis on maintaining their earning potential. 'Good example' in this case should be understood in the wider sense of showing DC an empowered parent.

• My DC are now older (eldest is 8 - plus 10 year old cousin) I never bought the 'good example' line when they were small ( although I did work - and could have afforded not to). However, now that they are older, I appreciate the credibility that my job gives me. It makes it more natural for me to explain the value of education: I.e. Demonstrate and explain that my investment in studying means that I now do interesting work for good money - and my employers are happy to let me work flexibly.

Dds cousin asked me if ladies were 'allowed' to work when they had a 'relationship' - so I don't think this is a trivial message. I not only told her that they were allowed to - but taught her a bit of computer coding. That made a lot of previous strains worthwhile. I also take DD to some work parties, to introduce her to young women scientists. I think they make better role models than Hannah Montana, Rihanna and so on. I like having these networks and opportunities at my fingertips.

So yanbu - but the situation is more nuanced than it seems from pov of being the mother of a 6 month old (aami - I took 12 months with each of my DC - so I really do bat for both sides on this issue).

TRILLS I recognise that.

I think it depends on the person. My mother gave up a very good career when we were young because she was jealous of the nanny and it was incredibly irritating having her hovering around all the time. She was useless at housework and couldn't cook so she really didn't do anything except take out her misery and boredom on us.

Unless you're very good domestically and treat it with the same level of professionalism as you would a full time job, it's far preferable for children to see their parents getting up every morning and going to work. That's what normal, functional people do every day.

I don't think you can properly prepare children for a world that you yourself are not functioning in.

bobble so its not worth being at home with your children and they get nothing out of it unless you are a good cook and great at housework?!

I think there is a lot more to parenting than those things.

I stayed home with my dcs because I felt it was the right thing to do for me, some days I am delighted with my decision and some days I feel I'm missing out.

The best example to children is to refrain from being judgemental (my poor children) and to be happy.

I think there are pros and cons for both and a lot depends on your personal circumstances. For example, a friend who is a lone parent did take a part time job largely to set a good example to her primary school aged children.

But they live in a very deprived area with very few people working. My friend wants her kids to grow up thinking working is normal. Whereas for many families where she lives, being unemployed on benefits is the norm.

damselindisarray - Totally agree. Women have always worked. What is different is that women who live in better off households now also work.

Thats probably a very good idea lesley.

I meant about your friend.

Trills "I think there is something in human psychology that, once you have made a choice, you have to convince yourself that it is right so that you don't regret it"

You're absolutely right, it even has a name:

Choice-supportive bias

I don't work to set my DC a good example. I work to keep a roof over our heads. If I'm 'setting a good example' then that's a side benefit.

I do think there is something to be said for working in the sense that if no one in a family has worked for generations, then the likelihood is that the children won't work either. I think that's probably a bit off topic though!

Fab post DamselInDisarray!

OP - I think YABU. Just be happy with your choice and don't take everything so personally.

Precisely patti.

Depends how old your children are. I do the school drop off and pick up every day but instead of coming home between 9 and 3 i go to work instead, so you can still be there for your children and be a WOHM, not mutually exclusive you know.

Its a question also of economics see Panorama 8.30pm tonight lots of my friend with two or more children cant afford to work. One could argue for or against.
Feel Blur v Oasis is the best analogy though. like it