to feel irritated when women say they go back to work when their dc are little to set them good example

[boinging]

I keep hearing it on the news. Are people trying to imply i am a bad role model because i stay at home to look after my dc?

I do think these things upset us often because they touch a nerve. And that's not to say that you aren't happy with your choice and that it isn't right for you, just that with parenting inparticular, whatever you do, you feel there is more or better you could do.

I have been both, I have worked full time and now stay at home. When I worked full time all I noticed were the things my kids missed out on because I was working. Now I don't work I only seem to notice the things they might miss out on by my not working.

It's classic parent guilt and it's no win because if you changed things there would still be something to feel guilty about.

Just be happy what you are doing is right for you in the here and now and let others get on with it themselves.

I think what bobble meant is that her mother was not particularly good at being a SAHM and didn't particularly enjoy it, thus making the whole experience a bit unhappy for both them and her?

Maybe she did it because she thought that what she 'should' be doing, even though she didn't really want to? Am I right bobble?

That is exactly what happened with my Grandma, she admitted to my mom a few years ago that she wasn't very maternal and if she had a 'choice' she wouldn't have had any children. She never felt she did have a choice, it was always what was expected of her so she did it even though it made her really unhappy.

My mom had a really unhappy childhood because of some of the choices she made and I'm not sure I have ever really forgiven her for that.

I whole-heartedly believe that everyone should do what is right for their own family and sod anyone who doesn't like it! I hate it when people question my parenting decisions or judge me so I try not to do it to anyone else :D

Great post oggy! You have summed it up brilliantly.

I think you can try and justify your decision any way you want but I think what most small children want in an ideal world if it was up to them is their mother at home. Even if it means making financial sacrifices or if that mother is bored/unhappy at home.

Bugger, Oggy just said what I was thinking, although I've not actually been a SAHM (apart from on Mat).

Thing is, we all seem to be comparing our experiences to some mythical time when women stayed at home with tehir children and played and nurtured them, and the big strong men went out to work.

But in reality (at least working class reality), it was never liked that. One of my grandmothers was a SAHm, but she was too busy washign by hand, mangling, growing food, killing chickens etc, etc to do 'mummy' stuff.

My other raised 6 kids, but wohm for most of teh time. HEr mil looked after the older ones, then the older ones looked after the younger ones.

SO my point is, we need to stop feeling guilty for something that never was.

Luckily I don't feel the need to justify my decision to work full time.

It's like any other decision, one curve in a long path that can lead to a great place for your child or a wrong one.

You just do what you think is right for your family, if that's scrimping in order to enjoy your child's years at home or working so you can provide what you feel is important it's all child centred and all good

Yes extremepie, that's what I meant. Some women are great mothers if they are out working every day but terrible at home all the time because it can make them a little mad and others vice versa. It very much depends on the person.

People shouldn't stay at home because they are jealous of the attention the children give the nanny or because society tells them it's the right thing, they should only do it if they are suited to it, otherwise it can be very damaging.

Im with DD 24/7 as she comes to work with me so it wouldnt mean I was with her any extra time if I dont work. I personally think I make much more of a contribution/setting example by working and bringing up dd then I personally would be if I stayed at home as I would be claiming lots of benefits whereas now I am trying to support myself.

Everyones situation is different though, and it depends if you can afford to stay at home.

I agree with you girlswholikeboys. I feel that there are loads of far more valid reasons for returning to work. I would rather a woman said that she worked because she found staying at home with a baby boring or unrewarding. At least that is more honest.

The implication from this is that SAHMs are lazy or unambitious, which is absolitely not true either.

For the record I was a SAHM until DD was four because she had health issues that needed 24/7 care. I now work part time and feel I have the best of both worlds.

Whats the problem? Many women do want to continue working after becoming a parent, and see it as a positive role model. Why is this a problem? It doesn't mean you can't be a good role model if you don't work- there are more ways of doing things than one!

"it's far preferable for children to see their parents getting up every morning and going to work. That's what normal, functional people do every day.

I don't think you can properly prepare children for a world that you yourself are not functioning in."

There is something deeply disturbing about the idea that if you are looking after children you are somehow no functioning in the world. That childminders, nursery nurses, nannies, SAHM's don't have any value. Why? Presumably because childcare has always been seen as 'women's work'. Not valued, not even 'worldly'.

It's a classic misogynist viewpoint, actually. I'd question what kind of an example any parent who held this view was setting to their children.

And while we're sharing anecdotes - my Mother worked full time from when we were very small and I don't have fond memories of that either. Obviously, that doesn't qualify me to attack her choices though.

it's what I say to keep my dcs quiet when they moan about me working. I don't think it's a particularly valid excuse, imvho you work a) because you need to and/or b) because you want to and those are both far more important reasons

I don't think I know anyone where that is their main motivation for working.

I do think it is a valid benefit for older children - it creates a role model or rather an alternative role model - in particular for girls - to show that there are choices available - you do still hear too many girls saying that their ambition is to be a mum and hence they don't need qualifications

Parents who work from the home (either as a house husband/wife or just a WAHP), out of the home, or are currently seeking employment are all setting wonderful examples for their children by showcasing a work ethic.

Oggy has said exactly what I meant but much better.

YANBU I think it's bollocks. I am a bit sick of hearing it too. Different stokes formdifferent folks, but how about just admitting it's what you wanted/needed to do?

It's fine to want to work, but to say it's to set a good example implies that being a sahm sets a poor example. Which is clearly rubbish.

I don't think any child is going to grow up thinking it's ok not to work simply because their mother didn't go back to work until they or their siblings were at school.

Well said Gaviscon

Its a pointless debate.
Most mothers i know work part time, 3-4 days a week. A lot of people do both at various times. And as someone said upthread when did anyone, ever, wonder if men are setting a good example or not if they work??

I remember when I was 18 I read an article in a magazine about whether or not "women can have it all" and I wondered whether that question was ever asked of men. I still wonder that 639 years later

What I mean about men who work btw-
I know men who don't work are considered to be setting a bad example, but general it is just assumed that men do work, and when they do they are not expected to feel any guilt about it.

OP you said you kept hearing this on the TV...don't know if you were referring to the interview with a working mum on BBC Breakfast this morning, but if so then her remark has been taken slightly out of context. She was saying that her options were either to return to work or to claim benefits as her childcare costs were so expensive.

In that case I agree that returning to work is setting a better example to children.

YABU - Women go back to work for lots of reasons. This is one

You never get men having to justify working when they have children and you never get other men attacking them for doing it.

"everyone wants to tell themselves they are brilliant......all up their own arses and no one wants to admit they aren't perfect"

absolutely wibblybibble

"our entire culture is geared towards making women insecure"

yes!

and I am a sahm btw

Actually, I find it v easy to admit I'm not perfect. I must be brilliant!

I also think that there's no real compromise. In a perfect world I would have had ds, then had the next 5/6 years off, popping dd out in the meantime. Dh would have a job that supported that choice.

After 5 years I would go back to my old job; no more mat leaves and no tiny children. Sorted.

As it is, I had ds, worked full time for a year then had another mat leave. Now trying to drop some hours cos I know I won.t cope with a full time workload. The thought of trying to get another teaching job in 5 years terrifies me -there aren't any.

I like working, it pays the bills and it means we can have a treat now and again.

I am lucky that my boss is child friendly and I can normally get time off work for school plays ect.

I think I do set a good example as I have a good home-work life.

IMO it is down to the individual family and family life if they are setting a good/bad example