to feel irritated when women say they go back to work when their dc are little to set them good example

[boinging]

I keep hearing it on the news. Are people trying to imply i am a bad role model because i stay at home to look after my dc?

Fair enough. I was responding to the OP, and not to the rest of the thread.

My response stands. I would like my dd to know that I have done what is best for our family, regardless of what others might think. In our particular situation, that means that I have worked FT since she was a baby, but other families have other circumstances.

I hope when she is older she will be able to ignore the judges pants of those around her and do what is best for herself and her own family.

I think using it as a reason is pretty crap - every single small child wouldn't give a toss about the 'good example' their mum is setting them, and thu would much rather mum be at home (I'm Talking about when people use this reason with regards to their toddler etc). If anyone out there really thinks a two year old is thinking about the great example they are setting rather than I want my mum... Well, they are kidding themselves

Use real reasons - I have to work, I want to work, etc, not that you are setting an example to a toddler

no,if it feels significant reason to the adult then it is valid
no one needs to construct so called real reasons for doing what feels right

Exactly scottishmummy nail on head. For us it was no brainer I would give up work for friends it wasn't even a consideration if the choice is right for you and your family/financial circumstances you don't need justifications. I am not the slightest bit interested what others think about my life choices.

YANBU. It is your preference to be at home with your children and if you are happy with that and can afford it, that's your business.

I don't understand the 'good example' argument either. A generation or so ago most mothers didn't work. I never thought less of my mother because she didn't.

Imo it would be ideal for children to have their mother at home with them until school age and around before and after school after that. Sadly that isn't possible for a lot of people due to financial pressure (it isn't for us).

It's not one of my reasons. My reasons are primarily financial, plus I do like my job and wouldn't want to give my career up.

If I had a daughter I would think showing her an example of a woman having a sucessful career would be an advantage, but it would never be a reason IYSWIM.

For my son I suppose I see him growing up seeing women can have strong careers as a slight positive, but not as much as if her were a girl. I am not sure why but there you go.

Crikey don't waste energy trying to work out what a "sector of the population" may or may not be implying, there are so many better ways to fill your time!

girlswholikeboys "For a six month old baby, the only message they will get is that their mummy isn't there and another person is looking after them."

Judgemental much?!

Quite crashdoll, quite

The thing is if a mother goes out to work then of course she is setting an example that women can be mothers and work. That is just obvious.

Some people may feel this is not an important role to model, which is fine. But you shouldn't seek to take it away from those that do. Just daft to do so. And defensive.

There are lots of roles I don't model for my children for a number of reasons. But I'm not going to get all uppity about those who do model those roles because they see them as important.

However, I do think it is worth remembering that we are all role models to our DC from birth. Until their teens will be our DC's primary source of reference. For thios reason we have to accept that what we do, as opposed to what we say, will have a significant impact on our DC's lives and values.
What we choose to model will be deeply personal and different from family to family, but it is important and should be done consciously.

"The thing is if a mother goes out to work then of course she is setting an example that women can be mothers and work. That is just obvious."

And what should also be obvious is that staying at home to raise the family should be seen as an equally valuable contribution.

Except it isn't.

'it's far preferable for children to see their parents getting up every morning and going to work. That's what normal, functional people do every day'

That is what is 'normal' at the moment in our society but it isn't natural, entirely social constructed.

Also agree, what about those caring for children, the disabled etc. caring is every bit as functional and society would collapse if all unpaid carers quit caring.

Sigh. It's not about what's valuable and what's not. It's about being a role model.

If you go out to work you are not a role model for a successful SAHP. If you SAH you are not a role model for being a successful working mother. You cannot be a role model for somehting you are not doing.

An example: I do hardly any sport. Apart from walking, I just don't like it. However I look at it, I am not setting the example to my DC that sport is important. But I am not going to sit here and pretend that those women who do role model a healtheir lifestyle are not doing so. Because they are.

This doesn't take anything away from all the positive things I do model to my DC. There are not a finite number of important things. For a start, we each consdieer different things important. It is all entirely subjective.

If a man stays at home to look after his kids, he is providing a good role model that men can be just as nurturing and attentive parents as women. He is also, implicitly and explicitly saying to other men that it's okay for him to do things that aren't within his traditional gender stereo type. My DH is a brilliant role model for my sons cos he earns a living but manages his work so that he can spend loads of time with them. No other men are criticising him for doing this.

[sigh]

i feel i am setting a good example to ds by studying and working p/t. i stayed home until he was two, then i temped when i could get childcare and get work (nothing permanant so no help toward childcare costs) then went back to studying. in my experience employers are not that keen on employing single parents with a pre schooler.

i know for myself if i was not doing this now ds is at nursery i would be a bit of a slob, i also felt i became very boring when i stayed at home, i was bored, my life was very small so yes by enriching my life i think i set a good example for ds

i am not bothered what others do, i can understand why some want to go back to work and why others do not but being bored and doing very little as i would be doing is not a good example to set

'she needs to do something fulfilling and worthwhile
emmm like work'

I am fulfilled and happy and don't do paid work. 'Work' is often overrated. Why sell your time when you can use it on you and your own family, life is short.

Kids see adults who SAH and WOH in their communities, they get examples from people other than themselves. I also think there is alot to be said for the example to care for others above material gain (IF work would only gain you materially NOT if you NEED the money). Voluntary workers are worth their weight in gold yet, according to these comments, they are not functional members of society?

SM, I hope you don't slate about SAHP to your DC as one day it may come back to bite you if they decide to be SAHP. Kids quite often do the opposite to what their parents did...

'I don't understand the 'good example' argument either. A generation or so ago most mothers didn't work. I never thought less of my mother because she didn't'.

Excellent point Mishy. Just go to show that societal pressure frequently changes what is acceptable.

'Imo it would be ideal for children to have their mother at home with them until school age and around before and after school after that. Sadly that isn't possible for a lot of people due to financial pressure (it isn't for us).'

I agree that this should be possible when a parent wants to.

Re role models: It's so complex. A good friend is a SAHM who can be found in the garden with a drill reconditioning furniture, upholstering, knitting, making clothes, painting ... she is a real artisan and my children look at me a sigh - why can't I make cool things like friend's mummy. Other mothers have serious professional jobs.

I've been a SAHM and am now working part time and in terms of role models, the only difference I see is that DP and I have a more equal role in childcare and housework. He's had to take on much more of that and it works well. I hope they will have the same expectations of their partners.

'Imo it would be ideal for children to have their mother at home with them until school age and around before and after school after that.

Ideal for whom?

jellybeans our DC do look to others, but we are their main role models. Especially for small DC, there is no getting away from that.

You think it's important to role model a primary caring role, others feel it's more important to model other things. Another poster mentioned education. Someone else might say it's important to model being a high flier in business. I would say it's central to me to model having creativity ar the heart of my life.

We each feel differently and have different things we want to model. And a limited number of things we can model. But that's okay surely?

Oh and about women working. Sorry, but apart from the landed classes, women have always throughout history had to work.
Indeed, look around the world and women have no choices. You wanna eat, you have to either grow the food or buy it.
It is not a societal construct at all, just a reality for humankind.

And the reality for most of our DC is that they will have to work too.
Unless we intend to keep 'em forever.
Given that tertiary education is set to increase and increase in costs, that there will be hardly anyhting in respect of benefits, certainly no pension for our DC. That the health service will be decimated and house prices still absurdly high, you might say, that for the vast majority of DC in the UK, the best thing you could show them is how to make work pay enough to provide them with freedom.

Also as they get older, peer groups are far more effective role models - for better or for worse...Also older siblings.

My DH is a SAHD through the week when I work full time and then he wroks on a Saturday, needs must! Hes a brilliant SAHD and does all the housework apart from the cooking, whereas if I was in the house I would sit on MN all day and watch Jeremy Kyle some things wouldnt get done. But I know it can frustruate him at times and hes bored and I have to remind him we are both making choices based on whats best for our family - I earn more so makes sense I work fulltime and my wages pay all the bills and hes at home with the boys.

Hes actually registered now as a Childminder as hes so god with children and extar money would help us all out!

OP, YANBU in my opinion - if someone says it in front of you as a SAHM sounds like they're being confrontational to me.

To me it sounds a lot like the one where women get married and then keep their name "for professional reasons". Who are these women, are they all captains of industry or Newsnight hosts or something? I did a PhD and postdoc research and as a result have a small but decent publishing record and even I didn't really need to keep my name if I didn't want to - and I could have easily used my OH's name for family stuff and my own name at work, as some of my friends have done. I kept my own name because I felt like it. I wish more women would stand up for their right to just do what they want instead of always justifying every choice - that would be a bloody brilliant role model for all children.