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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think makes children popular?

164 replies

HoneyandHaycorns · 25/02/2012 14:22

or unpopular?

Kind of inspired by the other thread about the little boy who was being excluded.

I wasn't a popular kid - had a small circle of good friends, but was never one of the in-crowd. My dd, on the other hand, has kids lining up to play with her.

I often wonder what that magic ingredient is that makes some kids popular and others not. Obviously, I think dd is adorable, but I'm pretty sure my mum thought that about me too. Grin

Is it really just about good social skills? Or is it something else?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/02/2012 14:26

I think it's humour and fairness

Kids love to laugh and if a child is funny/witty then they're fun to be with, especially if they don't take themselves too seriously and storm off in a huff due to a bit of light teasing.

Fairness/kindness is important too...a child who makes others feel good about themselves and tries to include others will normally be popular.

Pagwatch · 25/02/2012 14:28

You are going to get some really fucking snarky replies. It will include things like 'oh if you are one of the PTA and queen bee in the school clique then your dc will get all the attention.
But I don't believe that for a moment. I am nit sure what it is except that I think confidence is a huge part.
My eldest ds1 was well liked but not a 'cool kid', just had lots of friends in a quiet low key way.
But DD is probably one of the most popular girls in her vales and I have no real idea why. I chat to people but I am not in any clique. The only obvious thing about dd is that she is confident and very happy and likes almost everyone. Perhaps children are drawn to that? I don't know. I don't know what else it could be.

MrsCampbellBlack · 25/02/2012 14:29

Unfortunately its not always the nice children who are popular.

Pagwatch · 25/02/2012 14:30

Vales? Good grief. Class.

Yes, I agree with that worra. When she meets friends she is always so happy to see them and always says nice things and jokes. I guess that makes others feel good. I'd love to be like her.

MrsCampbellBlack · 25/02/2012 14:30

Oh and I'm not being snarky - but I know from my own experience that yes some of the popular children were lovely but some really weren't. Also whose popular seems to change a lot over the years.

lesley33 · 25/02/2012 14:31

Confident, fun to be with and not hard work in any way i.e. doesn't go in a huff at light teasing, hold grudges for a long time afer minor words, etc.

Also helps if they like doing what most kids their age like doing e.g. football for boys.

catgirl1976 · 25/02/2012 14:32

Confidence, kindness a sense of fun and a sense of fairness

I think

Original poster
HoneyandHaycorns · 25/02/2012 14:32

You may have something there, pag. My dd is also very confident, whereas I was much shyer.

DD's popularity certainly has nothing to do with me. I will never be a queen bee.

OP posts:
FranSanDisco · 25/02/2012 14:32

I think the criteria alters as children grow up. The 'popuar' girl in dd's Reception class was confident, bossy and mean. She would say who could and couldn't play with her or sit next to her. The other girls accepted this and looked forward to the day of the week it was their turn!!! By year 2 she was kicked to the kerb and her attitude altered.

DD is Year 6 now and very popular, perhaps not the most popular, but she is fair minded, empathetic and has a sense of humour, is a good loser and humble winner (her teacher's words). I am sure in Secondary School it will be something else - looks, fashions, etc that makes a child popular.

MrsCampbellBlack · 25/02/2012 14:33

Fran - I think you have something there regarding the changes as to whose popular as they get older.

Pagwatch · 25/02/2012 14:35

Grin at Honey
Yes, it is weird when others cluster around your child and you remain in the corner, Billy-no-mates. I especially enjoy 'ooooh, you are Paggirls mum'

That's me

Grin
AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 25/02/2012 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

catsareevil · 25/02/2012 14:37

I think that being lively and confident is a big part of it. I'm not sure that social skills are that important for popularity when children are young, as has already bee said, being a bit bossy seems to help.

catsareevil · 25/02/2012 14:38

I think that there is a difference between being 'popular' and beling liked.

Earlybird · 25/02/2012 14:41

DD has just turned 11, and the most popular girl in her class is:
confident
funny
sporty - plays on lots of teams
imaginative - still likes to play with dolls, etc
flexible - youngest of 4dc, so accustomed to being flexible, making adjustments
Youngest of 4 dc - so knows lots of 'cool' older kids/what they are into (so can 'inform' and set trends for her own peer group)
Independent - has no single best friend and is happy to play with whoever is around
Lone wolf - peers spend an inordinate amount of time/energy 'courting' her, but she genuinely doesn't seem to care who she is with.

Laquitar · 25/02/2012 14:41

I think kids who are up for everything are the most popular. The ones who are happy to try everything, to play any game etc. My dd is like this, my ds only likes specific things/activities and he doesn't get excited with everything, he is more academic.

Pagwatch · 25/02/2012 14:42

I also think that being popular does not mean that you are involved in excluding or laughing at or picking on.

cherrytopping · 25/02/2012 14:43

Honest answer?

For girls?
Being the bitch who bullies anyone who likes X.
Being popular isn't about being the nicest thats for sure.
Being seen as somehow being a 'threat' to Queen Bitch can make you a candidate for being X even if the girl is a sweetheart who is caring, fun and great to be around.

For boys?
The leader who shows the way forward.

I wouldn't want to be popular as such. Thats the conclusion I eventually came to after years. I knew everyone and definitely wasn't unpopular but I didn't like the way I found it could be restrictive either. There is certainly an overwhelming thing about the need to fit in and follow the crowd in order to be popular. Kids (and adults) who break that mould, and are still 'out there', 'different' and 'outspoken' I feel are very rare indeed and have a natural talent or gift.

I would rather be myself and not have to compromise that to fit in with everyone else. Ultimately I think its an attitude thats ended up serving me well.

Pagwatch · 25/02/2012 14:43

God above Earlybird. That is my DD exactly!

duke748 · 25/02/2012 14:44

I think quite often the more you care about being popular, the less you are. THe more you try, the harder it is!

Pagwatch · 25/02/2012 14:45

Well , except youngest of three.

That is really interesting. Sorry, it's always puzzled me why she is as she is.

MrsCampbellBlack · 25/02/2012 14:45

It does sometimes unfortunately though Pagwatch - we are having this issue at the moment with my 7 year old. However am hoping this changes as the children get older.

Interestingly my middle child is very self-confident but in a quiet way and is popular - perhaps because he just doesn't seem to care that much. Where as my eldest is more sensitive and does obviously care.

Clary · 25/02/2012 14:48

I think the popular kids are the ones who don't make a fuss, are happy to do what others suggest and go with the flow. There's a lad in DS2's footie team who is realy easy going and seems to be very popular. yy lesley agree re footie for boys.

One of DD's best friends is also very popular; she's a lovely girl, very sweet and pretty, but also very imaginative and I think has good ideas for games and loves to laugh and have fun. She's also quite active and likes to run about which not all of them do (yr 6). She isn't a make up and high heels kind (some of them are sadly) so I don't think that matters. It's more about whether you are fun to be around, and kind to others. Cannot imagine R being mean to anyone.

Also agree with all those who say someone who doesn't fuss or get grumpy.

Earlybird · 25/02/2012 14:50

Pag - that is funny! You must have a popular dd then.

My dd (along with others), has spent time/effort trying to build a relationship with this girl. They always have fun together, and dd begins to feel attached and think/hope it is reciprocated. This other girl is never mean or unkind, but seems to feel no loyalty to anyone. I think the fact that she genuinely doesn't care who she is with whips the other girls into a frenzy as they attempt to 'get close' to this child.

Pagwatch · 25/02/2012 14:51

I am sure it does sometimes MrsCampbelBlack. But not always. And as cherrytopping just illustrated, the desire to call young girls 'the bitch who bullies' if the are popular seems to be quite overwhelming.

From ds1 experience (which of course is just one experience) the popular kids are usually pretty nice. The ones he had difficulties were the ones who wanted to be part of the fool group by making sure others were excluded.