To ask what you think makes children popular?

[HoneyandHaycorns]

or unpopular?

Kind of inspired by the other thread about the little boy who was being excluded.

I wasn't a popular kid - had a small circle of good friends, but was never one of the in-crowd. My dd, on the other hand, has kids lining up to play with her.

I often wonder what that magic ingredient is that makes some kids popular and others not. Obviously, I think dd is adorable, but I'm pretty sure my mum thought that about me too.

Is it really just about good social skills? Or is it something else?

Mrs Jay - I think the girls your DD is talking about are the 'powerful ' ones than nobody wants to get on the wrong side of, rather than being liked

I wasn't popular, too shy and far too anxious and worried about what people thought about me.

Ds (7), told me that he is one of the most popular boys in his class, modesty obviously isn't one of his virtues!

At parents evening the teachers are always very complimentary. I have been told that he has a sense of fairness and will make a point of ensuring that the quieter children are included in games, he sticks up for himself and is as daft as a brush!

Mrs Jay Those are the type of girls who are feared, entirely different from being popular. Usually, by the 6th form, their peers have seen through them and they are demoted from the pecking order.

My ds is only 5 and started reception in Sept, Ive been v worried about him as he is v shy. I was relieved for his teacher to tell me he has alot of friends and is always playing with them, he has a couple of v close friends and doesnt like the loud, outgoing boys in his class in fact 1 of his best friends is a girl but im just happy he has close friends and is slowly coming out of his shell.

My son is quiet & shy still-as a teenager.

Has lots of friends, though.

When he was about four, there was a woman buying some cigarettes.

He shouted-"Mummy, does she want to die?"

"No, of course not-why are you shouting?"

"I´m not in my shell at the moment"

This thread is very interesting. DS' teachers always tell me he's 'popular' which shocks be because he's socially quite immature. I gave always worried because he doesn't seem to have a 'particular' friend or group.

Maybe that is just it - he doesn't care about that and plays with everyone (knowing DS whoever will play his game his way!) and therefore is deemed/ seems popular,

I don't think he is though - not as in would win a class vote in something hands down.

I agree with people saying the outspoken, demanding loud people can be popular. Often through fear of ridicule. My sister was one of these popular people with pupils not teachers!

It can all change very quickly. I think a lot of "popularity factors" become quite set in stone very early with groups, until some sort of big change happens, despite any development of the people involved. I'm thinking of primary to secondary, or even more so, secondary to sixth form, or university.

I was hopelessly unpopular at primary and secondary school - I'm not good at introductions, was too bookish and praise-focused, physically inept and had strict parents who did not allow me to have fashionable clothes or watch grown-up TV. When I moved to a different sixth form, I did become part of the cooler crowd, possibly due to my in-depth knowledge of music and the gig scene (came from never going out before) and my twisted sense of humour. This changed again in first year university, when I found myself rooming with very conventional, quite sheltered upper-middle-class girls who thought I was uncouth and geeky. Again, after first year, this changed, and once more found my group and became a bit of a social hand grenade, as DH likes to say.

Work has been very similar, with peaks and troughs in the social side of it.

My youngest y7 would tell you being popular is having a horse or a swimming pool in the garden, or paying for your friends to go and get their nails painted. Popular is not having a mum whose idea of a nice day out is offering to take her friend with us to the London transport museum.

Popular is also not having a mum who interferes in your friendships all the time eg calling other people's mums to complain about some perceived slight (I don't do this (!) but I have seen it done to catastrophic effect)....

I was not popular myself, but I was always trying to draw attention to myself in annoying people pleasing ways eg playing stuff I thought was really impressive on the school piano, pretending to be going blind, claiming to be writing a symphony, composing morbid poetry etc

This is an interesting thread. I don't consider myself popular at school, I always felt on the outside a little.

Now as my DC's are starting school. DD has a friend who is the overbearing bossy one (sometimes quite bullying in her behaviour) and she deems who plays with who. I can see this changing as the reception class matures and people stop playing with her as she isn't always very nice.

my DS is the popular one at Nursery, he is very outgoing, the comedian and just gets on with things and the kids seem to like him. But then he is only 2.5 and it can change!

Finding this very interesting. I've been thinking on this lately, mainly because of ds, and trying to work it out.

We've recently moved. In his last school ds was very popular, especially with the girls, he was always confident, happy, smiley and funny, and didn't care too much about being liked.

Since we moved and he moved schools things are different. He is not really sporty and there seems much more emphasis on that at his new school. He feels no one likes him. It's sad seeing him retreating a little. He's still fun and confident at home and around adults - will charm the pants off anyone - but at school there's been a marked change.

So I guess I would say different environments produce different results.

DD, bless her, has never been popular. She has dyspraxia, psoriasis, hearing loss and goofy teeth. She has little idea of personal space and social boundaries and often goes OTT. She also gets very riled if something is unfair and doesn't handle losing. She just doesn't 'fit in'. However, she has always had one or two good friends. She is lovely and kind and generally happy, but will never have that indefinable cool something.

It is indeed heartbreaking being a mother sometimes.

I think the posters are right these girls are powerful and not as popular as they think its really confusing for children i think friendships are complicated but as long as children have friends and Popular and liked amongst their friends then i think they will be fine ,

madhairday my dd is dyspraxic and sge was a bit the same Im not sure what age your DD is but mine is in high school and has fitted in ok and not as intense as she was in primary ,

I think it is entirely about confidence and independence.

The children who simply expect that other children will like them and want to be their friend, and don't spend time worrying about it, are usually popular.

The children who worry about whether other children will like them, and whether they have friends, are usually the ones left out.

It's a virtuous/vicious circle. If a child has a bad experience (such as being excluded by previous friends), they will lose confidence. They will then seem less confident and more needy. That will in turn make other children less likely to want to be their friend. And so they will lose confidence even more. On the other hand, if a child always has good experience, their confidence will grow, and so on.