To ask what you think makes children popular?

[HoneyandHaycorns]

or unpopular?

Kind of inspired by the other thread about the little boy who was being excluded.

I wasn't a popular kid - had a small circle of good friends, but was never one of the in-crowd. My dd, on the other hand, has kids lining up to play with her.

I often wonder what that magic ingredient is that makes some kids popular and others not. Obviously, I think dd is adorable, but I'm pretty sure my mum thought that about me too.

Is it really just about good social skills? Or is it something else?

Indeed - friends and social opportunities are obviously desirable for good mental health - we are social creatures. But popularity? it is not always desirable, I doesn't some personalities.
And Yy to the frantic socialising - I find myself being sucked into it and then resisting.

'it doesn't suit..'

Damn phone

Just like to add I haven't read the other thread so I'm not judging.

The absolute main thing is to be sunny and wear a smile.
DS has a nice circle of friends but is not popular because he is quite shy. But he's not unpopular because he's easy going and has no annoying traits. He is also one of guys by virtue of being very sporty.

DD however is very popular. She gets invited to everything and whenever the group is asked to vote on somehting (team leader, class rep, school counselor) she will always be picked.
She is very sunny. Very outgoing. Chatty and happy. not bossy. She shows interest in everyone because she is genuinely interested. DS doesn't because a. he is shy and b. frankly he's not that interested.

And I know this won't be a palatable thing to say, but I do think looks have something to do with it for girls. DD is slim and pretty, and has a pretty cool sense of style that is not the same as the crowd but not threateningly zany. She is also good at things that other girls find appealing: singing, acting etc.

I think the class rep thing s a red herring,kids are trained to pick the kid who will represent them well.At our school it's always the kids I'd want to rep me if needs be that are picked,many actually not that popular but actually the bright,articulate and confident ones.

Oh DD is certainly bright, articulate and confident.

Whatever she has should be bottled and sold in Tescos.

You lot must have gone to much nicer schools than me. The popular girls were basically the bullies at my school.

I wish I knew.

I think from the day they step in to preschool popular DCs are interested in the other children. They learn their names and want to join in. Fitting in is the name of the game, doing what the other children are doing. Not standing out in any way to the other children. Yet not being invisible either. DD2 has it down to a fine art.

DD1 doesn't, quirky, disorganised and liable to talk in the wrong places. Other children aren't sure what to make of her.
Add in a dyslexics ability to instantly forget names and gossip and she is sunk.

Very young she decided that she is happier doing her own thing. Trying to make friends just gets you hurt

At 14 she is slowly making friends at secondary. Gradually the bullies realise that the fussy easily flustered little girl has grown into a very confident young woman.
She doesn't need them to like her.

She will never be popular, nor be distracted trying to be, she'll do OK.

DD seems to be well liked, though she went through a stage moving from Maternelle to P1 where she got excluded a lot and this really upset her. All of a sudden she was waking in the night and coming in to us for a cuddle.

I think it was because she got a bit bossy and hung up on rules, so the others just didn't want to play. We had lots of chats about it. I told it was normal that some people were "in" and some were "out" at certain times, and encouraged her to take a book or a skipping rope to school to occupy herself, and not to worry about it too much.

It sorted itself out, though I think she has just a couple of GOOD friends and just rubs along well with the others. She seems happy enough and is good at mixing with others.

The single most important thing according to a survey I will have a look for in minute
was - unsurprisingly - hygiene.

Interesting to read your views on this as I have been mulling this over for the last few weeks myself. Ds is demanding, difficult, probably on a spectrum somewhere, but clever and sporty. Not the most popular guy, but has three friends that would die for him and vice versa.

Dd is beautiful, funny, easy going ( would have to be to put up with darling bro for the last seven years), and has never made a best friend, which is what she wants more than anything else. She was never an alpha, but was part of the group until recently, and then dropped like a stone.

I do think that girls can be difficult though, in a way boys are not, and unfortunately the policy of exclusion is a tried and tested weapon in 7/8 year olds.

Interesting discussion. In my memories of my school days, the popular kids were certainly not the nice, kind, caring ones. They were invariably confident (or at least appeared that way). Their popularity was based on looks, hairstyles, clothing, and a certain type of charisma. The whole point of having an in-crowd was to exclude others, in both blatant and subtle ways.

I was perfectly happy at school, never had any problem making friends, always had a nice circle of friends. I wasn't part of the in-crowd but I didn't much care, since I was rather socially oblivious. I have always remembered one of my classmates, a very sweet and kind girl, who was routinely excluded and picked on by the popular kids. I have no idea why. She did struggle academically somewhat, but so did some of the popular crowd. She wasn't a close friend of mine, but we spent time together, invited each other to our respective birthday parties, etc. Why she was chosen to be the scapegoat remains an utter mystery to me. I suppose it's something like the omega wolf in a wolf pack. Horrible, really.

between 4-13 it was owning pony

13+ it was owning a bra

startail - your DD sounds a lot like my DS1.

In primary - the most popular girl was the loudest. The most popular boy was the one who was 'going out with' (as in just going "alright" in the morning).

In secondary - there was a core popular group, which people added and drifted through the years, and looking back I really can't define the criteria. There were people of all abilities and both sporty and unsporty. Probably the main thread running through everyone was the crack. The ability, even if you were good or bad at something, to laugh, make others laugh and be able to laugh at yourselves.

There were lads (specifically) who were in the popilar goup, but alone, in the highest sets with the geeky, introverted lads. The reason they were popular is they had the ability to talk about things other than school/academia.

who SHE* was going out with

The really popular girls, the ones who you'd pick out in a crowd and just know to be popular, they do have a look. Shiny hair, just the right amount of scruff, they're involved and not involved at the same time, for the right things. It's easier to see in teenagers, obviously, once there are more choices to be made.

I never thought that I was popular- in fact always the opposite- but looking back, I was. Only in primary. And still always the weirdo. But a liked weirdo who played the clown and made people laugh. I could be stunningly awkward and rude at times, without realising ("do you like your ears?...I don't." poor girl! I meant ears in general....funny whorly things), but I was forgiven. Always expected to be the one left out, but somehow always landed on my feet and more. At secondary....well, no hope there. Much too scared to play the fool there. Funny clothes on non uniform days (velvet trousers à la Marcus!), read in lessons and stared without realising. And I was so utterly bored and looked it. I never wanted to be popular, just invisible, but it never balanced out.

So sorry I think uabu.If you ask the question you obviously care and will put pressure on your dc(and other dc) to be/remain uber popular.Can't kids just play,why do they have to be popular?

I genuinely don't care, mrsheffley. I only have one dd, who appears to be popular quite effortlessly. It isn't something I particularly value, but I am curious as to what makes her that way, as it was always a bit of a mystery to me as a kid. There is no pressure on her to stay that way at all, though I do hope that she always has good friends around her.

I am also interested in what makes a child unpopular, because a close friend of mine has a dd who struggles to fit in. She is a lovely girl, but other kids don't seem to "get" her. And for all that her mum may believe that it isn't important to be popular, she would also tell you that it is quite important not to be unpopular, because that way lies unhappiness and poor self-esteem. Surely an understanding of what makes kids popular/unpopular could help some of those children who desperately want and need to be accepted by their peers.

Having read the thread, I recognise quite a lot of traits in my dd that others have listed - confident, independent, very kind & empathetic, and also somewhat bossy. She isn't sporty, really, but is willing to give anything a go. She also has a very sunny, enthusiastic nature.

As a kid, I guess I was much shyer and less outgoing, and possibly a bit of a crybaby. I was very close to my main "best friend" and probably didn't make much effort with the other kids. I was also rubbish at sport. Maybe that's why I was never queen bee!

It's been interesting - thanks for all the insights.

My DD who has just gone off to uni was, especially in primary school years, extremely shy. As a parent, I'd worry she would be an unpopular child who spends playtimes alone and struggles to form friendships. I conciously made an effort to have girls from her class back on fridays after school (not every week, but fairly regularly). DD wasn't 'top' of her class, or very sporty or obviously 'the best' at anything. She also wasn't the type to want to be popular or stick out.
I remember at the end of year 5 they had a trip away overnight and the class had to write down two names of people they wanted to share a room with on the trip. DD's teacher told me that night at the parents evening DD was the name which had come up most and that at playtime DD is always playing with a group of girls happily and she thought DD was one of the most popular girls in the class. Her teacher said she thought this was because DD was very smiley and happy, never bossy and played fairly and made the others laugh. (Didn't see much of the no bossy-ness and playing fairly at home mind )
It was a huge suprise to me, I'm not the kind of parent who sees it as something important. I always had a strong group of close friends at school, was never in the 'cool' gang, but never remember being left out and I've always wanted similar for my DC.

My other DD I would say is far more confident and cares a lot more about being popular/how she looks etc. She is good at initating games/plans and is quite into fashion...but I would say has far fewer close friends, just a big gang of girls she hangs out with. She is just as happy, but as the one you'd expect to be more popular, my other quieter DD was a lot more popular and liked.

looking back now i can see that i was a bit of a 'leader' at primary school, mainly think because i started school VERY confident and articulate. I was in no way aware of it at the time, i wasn't particularly worried about who to be friends with and wasn't into the 'we're best friends' thing.. but i was certainly the centre of most of the class social stuff.

at secondary, i still wasn't worried about popularity and ended up in a small crowd of nice friends, friends with the popular lot, and with many of the less popular kids.. never exactly a trend setter but not an outsider either.

i've noticed now in adulthood i'm great at being friends with everyone and well liked, but my tendancy to speak to everybody prevents me from being really really close to one 'best friend' or even one group. i guess by being friends with so many people i don't make any of them feel 'special'.. i don't know if i'm ok with that or not...

What Worra said in post 1... that sums it up, I think.

Confident bossy and mean summed up the popular ones in DD's primary, I'd say confident, arse licky, arrogant and a show off s is up the year 8 girls school popular ones now!!

Being "brave" enough to be Arrogant with teachers is the epitome of cool oh and not doing homework (or sometimes not)

There was a programme about primary entry a few years ago with Robert Winston and one throw away line was that the single thing parents could do if they wanted their DCs to have friends in primary school was to make sure they were looking their best (which probably starts with hygiene, the smelly kid is never going to be the most popular).
I think looks are hugely important in primary school: we assume that 5 year olds are very innocent, but it's because they're so innocent that they respond in quite a primitive way to classic good looks - jealousy comes later.