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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think makes children popular?

164 replies

HoneyandHaycorns · 25/02/2012 14:22

or unpopular?

Kind of inspired by the other thread about the little boy who was being excluded.

I wasn't a popular kid - had a small circle of good friends, but was never one of the in-crowd. My dd, on the other hand, has kids lining up to play with her.

I often wonder what that magic ingredient is that makes some kids popular and others not. Obviously, I think dd is adorable, but I'm pretty sure my mum thought that about me too. Grin

Is it really just about good social skills? Or is it something else?

OP posts:
diddl · 25/02/2012 14:52

"had a small circle of good friends, but was never one of the in-crowd."

I would say that was me also.

But would say that that is better than being part of a crowd that people are in for the sake of it tbh.

TBH I would still have described myself as popular as whilst I had a few good friends, I could get on with just about anyone else well enough for what was necessary at school iyswim.

There were very few people who actually disliked me.

Pagwatch · 25/02/2012 14:53

It's a bit of a comfort though Earlybird because I always assumed she would need a best friend but she doesn't seem too. She loves her friends. It's just that she loves all of them.

She is also really worried about people being left out but I think that is because of her experiences around her brothers sn.

Camblewick · 25/02/2012 14:59

Can I ask how one knows their child is the ' most popular' in their class? genuine question not having a dig at any previous poster. DS is invited to all the parties etc and seems to have plenty of pals and I reckon he's happy with that. I'm not sure how I would know exactly how popular he is, not that it matter to me anyway as long as he's happy and not being picked on! The most popular girl in his class is most definitely not the nicest. she is a thoroughly unpleasant child who arranges for the other girls to VOTE to decide if they should play with particular girls, depending on their 'look' or the size of their house. nasty.

Hassled · 25/02/2012 15:00

My DC4 has always made and kept friends incredibly easily and is very popular. I've seen him in action with friends and he's very very charming - he's quite witty (insofar as a 9 year old can be witty) and has bags of empathy. I think being the youngest has a lot to do with that - he's had a lot of social skills around to copy, IYSWIM. He had to learn to share from a young age, he's always had to take other people's feelings into account.

Two of his siblings have really struggled with friendships, and harsh as it sounds, I can see why - lovely as they are, they just didn't have that instinctive empathy or charm when they were younger. They have it now, but I think for some people it takes longer to learn.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 25/02/2012 15:04

I think confidence has a lot to do with it. As others have said, if you are confident enough not to be worried about being popular - you will be!

In my experience as a year 7 tutor - there is often a correlation between the popular children and those who are good at sport. I don't know if this is a cause or an effect.

I have one son who is not popular, he's too awkward, doesn't play football, likes maths, and has a tendency to get in a strop if things don't go his way.

Son 2 is more popular, he likes to be friends with everyone and is always chatty and smily. He didn't get that from me!

Feminine · 25/02/2012 15:05

I have always believed there is a 'look' that makes children popular.

One of my children has it.

I don't want to say anymore because I believe there is a 'look' that nearly always gets picked on/teased also.

I have one of these too :)

Feminine · 25/02/2012 15:06

Oh, and I also believe the sport thing is true.

shockers · 25/02/2012 15:19

I think that children who take the huff easily are less popular with their peers, but then again, that goes for adults too really. Easygoing, confident children tend to be the most popular in the classes I've worked in.

I also agree with the sport thing.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/02/2012 15:22

I think catgirl has hit the nail on the head.

DD1 was never very popular at primary school age, but she was very shy and also seemed immature at times in comparison to some of her peers once they got into juniors. However now she is at secondary school she is very popular and very much part of the "in" crowd. She has developed a lovely confidence and is very happy in herself, and is also assertive without being aggressive/rude.

DD2 has always been popular; she has the qualities described by catgirl. She is a very confident girl, but not confident to the point of being cocky. She's kind, considerate, fun to be around and has a good sense of right and wrong, and of fairness. Like DD1 she is also very assertive but without being aggressive. If someone isn't nice to her she will say "I don't want you to treat me like that" or "That wasn't nice, I won't play with you again until you can be nice". And also like DD1 she is happy in herself, and doesn't follow the crowd. For example she has just started brownies and she asked for a hat to go with her uniform even though everyone else at brownies doesn't wear a hat. She isn't bothered about what anyone thinks and is happy to do her own thing.

DS is almost 3, so still a little too early to tell, although he does seem to have a lot of friends at nursery that greet him when we arrive; mainly boys who are on his wavelength in terms of loving rough and tumble games! DS is very loud and confident but at the moment does have a tendency to be very bossy, so we are working on that at the moment and keep explaining to him that not everyone wants to be bossed around all the time! :)

cece · 25/02/2012 15:23

If you want a friend then you need to be a friend.

ragged · 25/02/2012 15:26

No one consistent formula, definitely there is a trend for parents who are huge social networkers themselves to have DC with relatively high social status with their peers, too. I would say nothing to do with PTA, more like the ones who have approved-of fashion sense & are considered a good laugh down the pub. Either they pass those skills onto their DC or their DC get favoured opportunities because of their parents being popular, too.

But I can think of a few striking exceptions, too. Alpha mums with bottom-feeder status DC & visa versa.

Boys who are good at specific sports often get to the heights with peers. With girls it's more likely to be the ones who are good flirts & considered pretty & fashionable.

I was a bottom feeder, btw, so can make plenty of sharp comments about horrible kids at the top & all points inbetween (not lively, charming, confident or nice).

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/02/2012 15:31

Yes I agree with that, shockers.

There is a girl in DD2s class who has recently moved there from another school because she had few friends at the other school. She is a very demanding child, constantly wanting attention and getting in a bad mood, lashing out or sulking for days if she can't have her own way. DD was good friends with her initially but says she doesn't feel like she can continue hanging round with her as this girl is such hard work. She always has to be first in lines, and pushes other children out of the way in the morning to get into the classroom first, then if she doesn't get her own way she does that arms crossed, face down, face like thunder thing that kids do.

DD is pretty easy going and just tolerates her but doesn't get too closely involved, but I know several kids have had pretty heavy fallings out with her. I can see why tbh, she is very difficult.

LeQueen · 25/02/2012 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OriginalJamie · 25/02/2012 15:41

I think there's a difference between "well-liked" and "popular". One of mine is well-liked, one is popular.

Popular children tend to be, or at least appear, confident. They also don't have irritating traits like being "sensitive". I also agree that being good at sport is a strong determinant of popularity in boys.

LeQueen · 25/02/2012 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molly3478 · 25/02/2012 15:45

It differs a lot dependent on whether you went to a very rough school or not. At my school the very popular ones were ones that were always trashing things, kicking off, getting chucked out of lessons, they then went on to be the earliest drinkers, going out and get in to bother. The worse you were the more popular you were but I went to a proper chavvy school.

Feminine · 25/02/2012 15:52

I always wonder if the 'popular' kids at school turn out to be popular when they leave?

IMO what makes a child popular there, is not the same for adults.

molly3478 · 25/02/2012 15:56

I think again depends on the area feminine the most popular ones in my own school are all single mums bar one. All but 2 were pregnant before 18, 4 were pregnant in year 11 as that made them seem extra cool for some reason. A lot of the lads have got criminal records and are on the dole.

It would totally differ in other areas and other schools though. I think its because when your younger those things seem cooler so people go after those people, and a lot of those kids had traits from right back in the little years getting chucked out of lessons and being really mouthy.

overmydeadbody · 25/02/2012 15:56

From my own DS, I can only conclude that his popularity is down to his sense of humor, always joking and making kids laugh, getting on with a wide age range of children, being kind to anyone who he thinks is sad, hurt, or a bit down. He is the first to run over to anyone who falls over in the playground to check that they are alright.

He is also a bit quirky, different, confident and quite happy to do things that could get him laughed at. He is not hard work in any way, never gets in a huff and is very strictly fair. He fights other people's battles for them, is a sort of spokesperson for his classmates to the teacher and HT.

He has aspergers'. He has a big heart. He never makes fun of other kids.He defies authority (nots sure if that has anything to do with his popularity, but I do think it accounts for the respect he gets from the older kids).

I think as you get older the things that make certain children popular change.

overmydeadbody · 25/02/2012 15:59

OriginalJamie I agree with you, there is a difference between being well liked and being popular, but I think in primary school it is the same thing, and it starts to change is year 6 and then when they go on to secondary.

I tihnk in adulthood the popular ones are not necessarily the same as the well liked ones.

I think I am well liked, because I only mix with people who I know like me, but I am certainly not popular.

MarshaBrady · 25/02/2012 16:00

Well it changes over time but being sunny, happy, positive helps. And looking back not all the ones with the most influence were necessarily always the kindest to those not included in a group. Some were popular and nice too.

Sport helps, particularly for boys. And looking good, but leading not following.

MarshaBrady · 25/02/2012 16:01

Feminine I think it changes wildly at university, then again for work and adulthood.

loubielou31 · 25/02/2012 16:05

I think unpopular children are often those who are in any way slightly different. Children are mean IME and something that marks you out from the others can be a real gap.
I'm thinking things as simple as an unusual name or accent, a wierd hair style.

troisgarcons · 25/02/2012 16:07

I don't know.

My son has a friend who was always just sooooooo popular through primary - and not because his mum was on the PA or he had the newest best stuff .....It was just because. He is such a golden child though - very academic (will ace his GCSES in a flurry of A*s) , very sporty (Plays at district and county level), very good looking (child model) and an all round damned nice child with lovely manners and and a thoroughly lovely sunny disposition. He's a natural leader, but without any of the adverse manipulative qualities often shown by alpha males.

BackforGood · 25/02/2012 16:08

I'd agree that confidence, and a sense of fun have a lot to do with it, but, IME, it seems random.
I have 3 dcs - all overly pretty confident.
ds has LOADS of "mates". Always has - can walk into a room or go away for a week with strangers and considers everybody his friend. OTOH he doesn't 'stick' with friends. It's like it's a real surface thing. I find that really strange as it's so different from what I know of as friendship, but I guess he'd bee seen as being "popular" as he's always got someone to hang around with, go out with, etc.

dd1 is completely different in her friendships - had the same 'crowd' (both girls and boys) from Yr1 to the end of Primary. She used to get invited to lots of other peoples parties too though (if that's a sign of being popular?)
dd2 OTOH got shut out by the other 2 girls she was friendly with in Reception quite early on, and never really realised she invited them to things but never got return invites. She has not been invited to many parties (or 'round to play') throughout the juniors. She has 'mates' (more like ds) but isn't close to anyone really. Don't know why it's so different for my 2 dds, as neither of them lacks confidence nor a sense of humour.
Interesting question.