To ask what you think makes children popular?

[HoneyandHaycorns]

or unpopular?

Kind of inspired by the other thread about the little boy who was being excluded.

I wasn't a popular kid - had a small circle of good friends, but was never one of the in-crowd. My dd, on the other hand, has kids lining up to play with her.

I often wonder what that magic ingredient is that makes some kids popular and others not. Obviously, I think dd is adorable, but I'm pretty sure my mum thought that about me too.

Is it really just about good social skills? Or is it something else?

something i find depressing interesting is that i was a bit of a tomboy and probably wouldn't be the most popular kid at primary school nowadays as i was not in any way into pink and sparkly.. these days it seems like popularity is so much more gendered than it was in the early 80s..

I agree dilysprice, looks are very important at this age, but the children ar not aware of it, certainly not when they start school anyway. I remember that programme.

I've wondered about this myself. I do think the popular kids sometimes just have a certain power which has really not much to do with them being nicer/more fun.

Like popularity or charisma in adults, sometimes it is just indefinable. I say this as someone who was not the most popular at school and I know I am not charismatic now. My sister is charismatic though and people are attracted to her in a way that they are not to me. We are both very aware of this and over the years I have learned to walk through the doors she opens for me! Most of my friends are friends she has made and shared with me

My DD is very open, friendly, guileless and fun. But she definitely doesn't have that certain something that makes her the most popular. Other children like her but she doesn't have that fatal attraction gene!

I'm good with that though. The popular kids at school never achieved anything ...too used to things coming to them too easily I think.

I could have written your post Happymum. My dd is very shy and i was concerned that she would not have any friends at school. My worst fears were realised and in Reception , yr 1 and yr2 she often felt excluded, despite being a lovely, caring child. She was often overlooked when it came to parties etc.
However in yr 4 everything changed as the children matured. Other children began to appreciate my dd's lovely, quiet nature .She is a well liked child rather than a popular child and is always invited to parties . She has a close friend but enjoys playing with other children.
My ds loves everyone and is a happy , easy going chap. He makes friends with anyone who is willing to play with him.
My other dd is what you would call 'popular'. However, her popularity is probably due to her confidence. She has a different' best friend' virtuallly every week.

I'm similar, DrCoconut. I was Nobody, bottom feeder (desperately unpopular), nobody, mildly popular: at 4 different schools, in that order. No real reason for it, but if you fall foul of the in-clique they can make your life Hell. I saw this happen to DS1, when he fell out with the son of one of our alpha-mums :(.

My parents were both very gregarious with vibrant social lives & made it obvious how much they despaired of my lack of popularity. No ability to pass on their social skills to me, I guess.

I was v unpopular with children and teachers from age 5-12. Was bossy, focused on rules, anxious, talkative, competitive in class and sport, couldn't resist putting my hand up, desperate to make / keep friends, academic. Had a different ("posh") accent.

Other unpopular kids were either new/shy, looked different (red hair, fat) or, like me, were talkative and irritating!

Naughty children are often popular Also children whose parents allow them to do innaproate grown up type things
Their was a girl who turned up to the year 6 prom with a fake tan she was followed around a lot by other girls.

My son was bullied he refused to follow the crowed enjoyed the praise you get from being good and didn't want to pretend to like TOWIE and call of duty when really he loved playing had and simpsons

I myself was very popular at school unlike my son but I was very naughty always talking back to the teachers and my mother pretty much left me to my won devices so I could stay out very late and people thought I was very cool or goaway for weekends leaving me £90 for me to eat pizza.

My older sister would by fags and white lighting

I wasn't cool just neglected

Oh and girls who are a bit trashy I think that can go one of two ways really we had a girl like that in our schoo
V popular with the boys builled by the girls

Ds is popular even though he finds social interaction difficult. I think because he looks the part at 13 and has the aloof but funny factor, they like him.

Dd, 15, has always been unpopular :( her looks don't fit in and she tries too hard.

my son is popular in school, he is always making people laugh

I'm in secondary school right now, am 15, and there are three main groups in the social hierarchy. The ones at the bottom are lovely people, kind, generous and very hard working. The ones in the middle (includes me) are your average people - laid back, not lazy, are all good friends with each other. The ones at the top, the "Trendies" as we lesser mortals call them (they call themselves the "cool group" ) are bitchy, nasty, and above themselves, their favourite hobbies being having sex with boys in the upper sixth, going to parties to get trashed, and doing drugs.
Being popular is not all it's made out to be - it's not the same as being well liked, and being well liked means you're probably not going to be seen as 'popular'. It's but that's just how it is, IME.

The most popular girl in DD's year (7) has been the most popular since Y3 when she started. She is funny and smiley and open (when she wants to be). She is very sporty, her parents are very wealthy, she has a pony and a swimming pool. She is also very manipulative.

My DD is about as far from sunny as you can get. She is not popular, but she is liked because she has a very caring side which eventually others become aware of.

Motherhood breaks your heart sometimes.

Ooh Underage - that will be my DD's class in a couple of years. I hope and pray that DD is in the middle group!

Generalising here but in the school I work in the most popular children are generally several or all of the following:

Sporty, Clever, Pretty/Handsome, Musical/Dramatic, Confident, Friendly, Outgoing, Bubbly and Energetic.

The less popular children are often several or all of the following:

Shy, Lacking in hobbies, Quiet, Dull, Apathetic, Nervous, Tale Tellers, Whiny, Aspergers, Hugely physically different in some way, Liars, Untrustworthy.

Surprisingly, although good looks seem to help a child be popular, weight and appearance problems that can cause bullying don't seem to affect general popularity. Not at this age (7-13) anyway.

I teach in a private school btw. Perhaps, in some schools, being clever would get you on the unpopular list instead of the popular, I don't know. We are also a smallish school (about 350 children) so, although there are children who are very popular, there are none who have no friends and are completely unpopular.

I find this whole thing quite fascinating.
DH and I are both shy, introverted types and we worried a lot that our DD would be just like us and find it hard to make friends at school/ nursery.
We were utterly surprised that she seems so far (only reception) to be a bit of a natural. She gets loads of b'day invites, other kids embrace her in the playground and their mums keep telling me how much their DC like her. Yet to me if I observe she seems a bit stand offish with other kids (she doesn't like the hugs at all).
She is clean and quite pretty (well I would say that wouldn't I) but I think what's more key to her success is that she has always loved imaginative play and she seems to make up games that other kids want to join in with. The teacher commented that she will often start playing by herself and others join in and this seems to be how she gets round not knowing how to ask to join in a game. Long may it last!

MrsCampbellBlack
Unfortunately its not always the nice children who are popular

This^^

My older daughter (Y4) is not especially popular. She has plenty of friends but she is a follower, not a leader. She will not push herself forward and therefore sometimes ends up being left out. She sees it as deliberate rejection but I think the other girls just forget she's there sometimes! She's also very small and has quite severe emotional difficulties. Luckily for her she is clever and excels in performing arts so she has a 'status' to cling onto.

My younger daughter (Reception) is a totally different story. She is exuberant to the point of bolshiness (sp?), very excitable and right in your face. She's very popular but I fully expect the other little girls to get sick of her at some point!

When I was teaching in primary schools,I was always really interested in how class dynamics shifted according to who the 'popular' children were; it's hard to explain, but a few strong characters who take a lead through being bossy /unkind can shift the feel of a whole class, whereas classes where the 'popular' children are kinder or more gregarious generally end up with fewer children feeling left out ..sorry, maybe that's really obvious, but the group dynamic thing always intrigued me.

With my own DCs...

DS1 (10) has a small group of really good friends, isn't bothered about being popular, is just interested in his own stuff.

DS2 (8) however is super popular; hard to pin down why, but he is a genuinely very funny, quick witted person, and one of those people who can wear anything and look cool, if you know what I mean? He wears his brothers hand me downs, but it's just the way he stands, I think. He also just expects people to like him, expects to like them, and it pretty much always works. He is really good at picking up on social cues, good at fitting in to new situations. When he started reception, he learnt all his classmates names in a week, and on our walk to school he'd be shouting hello to everyone by name, and now the whole school of 400+ children knows him by name too. When we go on holiday, he'll be off down the beach making friends straight away. I really wasn't like that, I was and still am quiet shy and reserved and get very nervous in social situations, The down side is when he gets tired he can be the grumpiest most unreasonable child you've ever met, partly because he hates being tired and not being able to socialise!

IME children who were very popular at school often struggle a bit later in life - they are used to not having to work at friendships and the social "game", and come undone a bit when faced with other adults of a similar nature. This is especially true of the noticeably popular children in any school.
At my own school, the cool gang all peaked far too early. However, I can remember one girl who was not conspicuously popular, but got along with everyone whilst remaining under the radar, and she is still like that.

There is a certain type of person who is an "ugly duckling" as well, and takes time to find themselves and grow into their personality. I've posted about my friend's Beautiful Beautiful Son before and he is a classic example of this - he has gone from being a rather awkward and unattractive boy (with dubious personal hygiene) to a very handsome, incredibly charming man who both women and men seem to gravitate towards. He is one of those people that small children seem to trust instinctively as well.

My own DD is a bit of a lone wolf. Her teachers often comment that she has a gift for not getting involved in playground politics, which I take as a positive. She has a small circle of friends to whom she is fiercely loyal, but they are mostly non-school friends. Mostly she gets on with other people, although I know there are a few that she dislikes immensely. I'm not sure how she deals with/expresses that on a day to day basis.

DD1 was one of the popular ones until yr 3

she was popular because she was clever and liked to play with everyone, not having 1 specific friend but playing with everyone
in yr 3 the girls in her class split between 2 groups and DD was left in the middle
1 group has decided that she is stuck up and serious (teachers will agree that she isn't -she just likes to work hard and gets good results) and other group think she is spying on them for the other group as she used to play with them in the past
the only time she has a friend now is if one of the other girls is excluded from either group for whatever reason and they will go to her because they know she will be kind to them, but then she is dropped like a hot brick when they group includes them again (now in yr 5 and doesn't show any signs of getting better)

DD2 I was told she was popular by the teachers but she very rarely gets invited to parties and only ever to 2 friends outside of school so I don't know what to think about that one?
seems happy enough though, very occasionally she will tell me someone has been mean but she tells me she goes and plays with the boys

I think there are so many variables in this issue. A child can be popular for good or bad reasons and unpopular for a reasonable or a random reason.
I agree with others that it also depends on the type of school as to what traits are desirable.

My DD1 is 13. She has always had lots of good friends but never been top tier popular. For the last couple of years she has had severe mental health difficulties and rather than ostracise her these have increased her poplularity - she's never been more interesting or worthy of attention it would seem [hmmm]

DD2 is 11 and one of the classic popular girls - blonde, thin, pretty, confident, clever, sporty and talented but also friendly, cheerful and interested in other people. Interestingly, for all her seeming open-ness, she's also quite reserved about herself and her feelings and I think that might actually help with her popularity. She doesn't get too close and perhaps keeps other girls on the run a bit - they're always confiding and sharing and not getting a lot back in return. It almost seems like she doesn't care if others like her or not.

DD3 is 8 and is not popular. She is similar to her older sisters in looks, academics and talents but she has OCD, wets herself semi regularly and is hyper emotional. She is also very kind and caring which helps her keep her friends very close and loyal to her but she does get teased.

DD4 is 5. She has loads of friends but I think she's too young to be called popular. At the moment I'd just say she is outgoing and that is getting her accepted.

DD5 is only 2 so I choose her friends pretty much!

fakecoat yes DD2 is just like that with learning names and saying hello to everyone. She also a monumental grump at home, sometimes. I think she simply works so fiendishly hard at ensuring she maintains her place in the social and academic pecking order, she wears herself out.

Manic what an unpleasant post. I'm jolly glad my DDs don't attend your school.

According to your list it's basically a child's own fault if they aren't popular and they should get a hobby

That's exactly the kind of attitude that condones bullying and gives DCs the green light to think it's OK to leave my kind hearted, but slightly quirky DD out.