To ask what you think makes children popular?

[HoneyandHaycorns]

or unpopular?

Kind of inspired by the other thread about the little boy who was being excluded.

I wasn't a popular kid - had a small circle of good friends, but was never one of the in-crowd. My dd, on the other hand, has kids lining up to play with her.

I often wonder what that magic ingredient is that makes some kids popular and others not. Obviously, I think dd is adorable, but I'm pretty sure my mum thought that about me too.

Is it really just about good social skills? Or is it something else?

startail, I'm genuinely confused as to why you think my post was unpleasant. I didn't say it was a child's own fault for being unpopular, I was just listing some of the common reasons for why they are! And where did I say that I condone it?

manicinsomniac really in my experince I find the naughty children you know the liars, the class clows the bully's are usually at primay level any way the popular ones every one seems to love a bit on danger

They're also usually completely normal. Nothing sticks out about them. It really isn't so much personal qualities- I couldn't have told you the qualities/quirks of the popular people I shared a classroom with for five years because they all seemed alike.

Being lively and fun!

Being funny seems to be the common theme here.

And that is a natural talent, not a learnt behaviour, so no chance of popularity for me then...

Being good at hiding negative emotions seems to me to be vy important, too

From my experience, the popular kids are usually the kids of the most cliquey parents no reflection on their actually niceness.

a lot of primary school kids are horrible especially little girls. Its often the wealthier children too.

DD (4) has always been popular at nursery since she was a baby.

When all the children began speaking, often mothers I used to meet outside nursery used to tell me their children say my daughter's name at home all the time, which was funny because it's not an English name.

My DD is a proper character. She is funny, has always been very independent, lively and very loud and confident. She runs around everywhere and will happily play with whoever is there. She also makes friends with older children very easily. When I drop her at nursery all the children will run towards her for a hug. She is the complete opposite to me - I am very shy and don't have many friends at all - DD on the other hand will happily talk to strangers on the bus and has more of a social life than me!

I think the key thing is confidence - that's what makes you popular.

I would say dd1, 7 in Y2, is in the middle.

She seems to have a number of different circle of friends who she chooses to play or sit with from day to day, but as she has no set group she isn't the first to be chosen to pair up with.

She can be a little quiet and wouldn't say she was hugely confident but she is very imaginative, loyal and according to her teachers considerate of other peoples feelings and good at adapting to other people which is probably why she shares herself around! Not sure how this will fair for her when they get older and groups become more cliquey.

DD2 is only in reception so a bit early to tell her, teachers said she has plenty of people wanting to play with her. She is far more confident and louder than her sister so will be interesting to see how her friendship groups develop.

I think that sometimes for the early years in school the age they enter reception can have an certain impact. DD1 my shyer child and September born made friends quicker in reception than overly confident DD2, Augst born. I think dd1 undertood better the dynamics of friendship better being older.

We have a "popular" crowd at the school I work in. They also call themselves the "cool gang". They are only popular with themselves - a nastier, bitchier bunch of girls you could not wish to meet.

The ones who are truly popular ((but aren't in this cool crowd, so don't think of themselves as popular iyswim), are approachable, nice, friendly, don't bitch or back-stab, tend to be more academically able, tend to have hobbies out of school and tend not to see teachers as the "enemy".

I know which I prefer, as a member of staff, and as a mum.

Archemedes I have to say, in many years of working in a school in a very run down area, that it is not usually the few wealthier kids we have who are nasty.

I think popular parents make popular kids. All the popular bubbly sociable girls in my school had popular bubbly social mums.

makes sense I suppose, the more socialisation going on around them at home etc the more they learn about charm and relationships etc..

I think that is the magic ingredient. That and to some extent age, the older half seem to do a bit better socially than the younger half. I was in the younger half, us younger lot never quite "got" trends and things right LOL

i hope and pray my dc will be popular as i was bullied, it was hell, and i would never want that for them

I was not a popular child, I was not an "adorable" child during primary, (I was a gorgeous toddler though), I was quite ugly. I was ugly, awkward and shy. Painfully so.

Ds2 is a popular boy. He is cute (so much so that the classmates of his older brother comments), he is witty and fun, likes light teasing and fun, not a drama queen so can handle banter, plays as easily on his own as in company, very laid back, and with a sense of fairness. He has bags of natural confidence.

Ds1 is more like me, although he has the looks I did not have and is a good looking boy. So popularity is not a looks thing, I dont think. He is painfully pedantic in fairness towards himself but sometimes clueless when it comes to his own fair (or unfair) behaviour towards others. He can sometimes tease and joke about, but can not handle it if the joke is on him, then he either erupts or becomes volatile....

I said to my dh the other day that ds1 seems to have many of my worst character traits. I console myself that he might be socially awkward, but he is a kind hearted, generous, hard working and very bright boy, who sometimes can be mature beyond his years and really stick up for his closest friends.

Depends on the age, I think, and to some extent the gender.

From age 4 to about 7 looks count imo. Girls who have their hair nicely done every day and who smile a lot are usually more popular than someone who looks dowdy, unkempt or glum. Among girls, the prettiest boys are sometimes very popular. Possession of a high status object will also make you the centre of much courting but the occasional challenge -- DD2 and another girl in her class had a battle of wills over a particular boy until DD2 agreed to 'give him' to the other girl, having found another trendsetting object. Also popular in this age group among both girls and boys will be the child who has attractive, smiling parents. Boys like a boy who has a smiling demeanour, is outgoing, keen on sports, shakes off injuries; among girls, they like a girl who looks nice and who is fun and outgoing, and not standoffish or gratuitously mean to them on the basis that they are boys (ewww) as some girls are wont to do.

Apart from looks from age 4 to 7, the children who are popular are not 'babies'; they can share, they can stand up for themselves, they can include others, they don't cry frequently, they don't tell tales to the teacher, they can deal with the give and take of the playground, they are not sore losers.. True charisma as opposed to being the queen bee is what I'm talking about here I suppose, and that extends all through their school days. The queen bee is not really popular necessarily, but she is feared. The child with charisma is popular and a leader.

From age 7 to about 12, the child who is good academically in school will be respected, but if that child has negative personality points (a 'baby', inclined to cry, boastful, too serious in demeanour, lacks sense of humour, is set apart culturally; isn't allowed the same music or tv shows others are because parents won't allow it, seems too attached to books, timid effort and lack of interest in sports, can't cope with losing or being wrong, mean with sweets, parent especially mother seen to hover and have pfbism, father seems browbeaten and down at heel, timid, etc.,) those traits will cancel out the respect and turn academic prowess instead into a stick to beat the child with. Another element is smell and cleanliness of the child, reputation of the child's house for cleanness or otherwise, reputation of the child's possessions, reputation of the child's mother as snobby or social outcast, mean, inflexible, welcoming, etc.

The child who shines academically and is also generous of spirit, smiling, able to do the give and take, has parents who allow some freedom and are not swimming against the cultural current when dressing the child, allowing interest in music, tv, etc., parents who allow a fair bit of socialising also have popular children. There are two such rarities in DD3's class, brilliant children in every way, one boy and one girl. They have contributed greatly to a fantastic atmosphere in the class. I will be very surprised if they don't turn out to be superstars in whatever avenue they pursue.

I also think children inclined to bully can almost smell out the child whose parent most fears that for their child.

Another thing they can sniff out I think is the child who needs to be liked, and cares what others think of him or her in a way that precludes resilience to the winds that blow across the playground or in the classroom -- the child who is visibly upset by playground slights, visibly laps up praise from a teacher and is maybe a bit of a teacher's pet, wears their heart on their sleeve.

Good looking
Fashionable/stylish-without being too "look at me"
Charismatic
A natural leader
quick witted, with a flair for banter
Sporty/musical/artistic
Positive
Confident

I'm inclined to agree with Mathanxiety, although my house is a disgrace and it hasn't harmed my children's popularity. I think having a decent bedroom with stuff kids/teens want to play with that is private and adults don't keep coming in to can make up for an otherwise scruffy house.

I also think you can get around lack of team sports skills by having other physical interests - dance, cycling, snow boarding etc.

I think having a variety of interests and social groups also helps. DD has friends who live nearby but go to other schools, friends from dance, friends from drama and so on. As a consequence, she doesn't stress to much about friendships at school. As the pressure is off, those friendships then come more easily. I think that is also a good skill to carry into adult life, to know a range of people and not desperately cling to a few friendships or relationships.

DD2 just told me that the popular kids/girls are Bitchy and nasty to other people , I wonder if thats just a teen thing im sure their parents would be horrified if they half of what their daughters said , do you think pack mentality makes them like this , dd isnt popular but is liked Is there a difference ?

Here, I can see that the most "popular" children are easy going, flexible, fair and with a good sense of humour. Keen to try/play any game.

MrsJay, perhaps there is a difference between being well liked and being notorious?

OH maybe clothesofsand Popularity politics Baffle me , DD can handle herself if anybody says anything to her but she has a tendancy to say oh the blonde barbie girls or something like that , which kind of makes her as bad as them IYSWIM ,

My ds seems to be popular. I think he just has an inner confidence and is fun to be around. He's also very kind and will stick up for himself and others so I think people feel safe with him. He's also very easy going and optimistic about life.

I think he must get this from dh. I was much much much more introverted at his age, still am, and although I had friends wouldn't describe myself in those terms at all. I watch him sometimes and wonder at how easy he makes it look. He's very comfortable in his own skin and relaxed about new situations unlike me.