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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow ds to be mean to neighbours ds............

153 replies

crje · 24/02/2012 19:34

Live in a small estate (15 houses) 6 boys between 8-10 all play together even though they are quite different.One soccer mad,one science mad ect. They all come in different places within their own familys,1st chils 3rd child.... There is never a problem between 5 of the boys they can find common ground and get along.

The 6th boy is like a spanner in the works !!!!!!He tries to divide the group,wont compromise and ends up ruining the game when he joins in. The kids do pander to him at times but not always. When they get fed up of him they tell him to go home,run and hide ect

His mom asked one of the other moms today if there was anything she could do about the bullying !!!!!!!! Now imo he is not bullied he is just not popular and its someting his mother needs to work on with him. When the others fall out they sulk come home and when they are ready they jump back in the game without any inerferance from the parents. Do we make exception for this family,I think not

AIBU................

OP posts:
TheSinglePringle · 24/02/2012 19:36

I wouldn't make exceptions either. Kids fall out all of the time. When I was younger I must have fallen out with friends a few times a day!

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 24/02/2012 19:40

It's all part and parcel of them learning to get along. As long as the others aren't actively ganging up on the "odd one out" boy, I'd let them get on with it, and maybe keep my ear to the ground to make sure it didn't "escalate" into actual bullying by any of them/to any of them.

Faverolles · 24/02/2012 19:42

Sounds like a friend of dd's.

It's a shame for the boy that his dm keeps stepping in, and sounds like she's making him out to be a victim. If she left well alone, he'd eventually mix in and learn to play well with the others.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 24/02/2012 19:44

No - no exceptions. Tell her there is something she can do about the situation, explain to her son how compromise works or let him work it out for himself.

Original poster
crje · 24/02/2012 19:59

One of the moms is leaning towards a group chat to sort it out but im thinking no frigin way as it does make ours look like they are doing something wrong.
The other mom is doing her ds no favours but its not my place to tell her how to parent better !!!!!!That would go down like a lead balloon and im not putting myself in the way of confrontation. I don't have a problem and if I did id deal with it myself without offending other parents(one mom is very insulted by this). The boys mother will never see it our way she is just different in her ways !!!!!!!!!!
Its a mess and could cause a rift in a very close community...........im fed up and saddened that this has happened.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 24/02/2012 20:07

Hmm.

I think a lot of bullies would justify their behaviour by saying that the victim asked for it/was annoying/whiny/got on their nerves etc etc.

I am not saying that the other children are definitely bullying this child but obviously there is a problem and the other children are being mean - sorry if you don't want to hear that.

I agree that you need to sit down and sort this out collectively.

I think you need to reread your post because you sound quite mean.

You are basically saying that this boy deserves to be excluded because he's just not popular....Perhaps you should read some of the threads that the mothers of bullied children post on here and try and have a bit of sympathy for this boy's position.

YABU

ILoveToPost01 · 24/02/2012 20:11

I agree with Try.

YABU - grow up!

Original poster
crje · 24/02/2012 20:21

Im aware the behaviour is not ok and my ds has been on the recieving end of some mean treatment himself. I have spoken to ds and told him to try to do onto others ect my problem is that this mom doesn't do the same.
Why is her problem my problem when I can deal with my problem myself. AIBU to think she should talk to her ds about his behaviour(I know she wont) and how 'some' of the kids behaviour is a reflection of how he behaves !!!!!!
It always someone else's fault with some............
Thanks for the replys.

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 24/02/2012 20:23

It takes a villiage to bring up a child. Prehaps the group of parents need to think on how to improve everyone's social skills.

Billy No Mates is in a vicous circle. He lacks social skills and as a result no one wants to play with him. He cannot improve his social skills on his own and remains billy no mates.

Maybe Billy needs to learn to share and compromise, but you and your son need to learn compassion. Prehaps Billy No Mates needs to play with a child in a one to one situation to develop social skills. No child deserves to be socially excluded, it is inhuman.

It might help for the boy's mother to get this book.
Bobby and the Brockles

ILoveToPost01 · 24/02/2012 20:25

No excuse for allowing your child to bully another child. It is spiteful and disgusting example.

cheesesarnie · 24/02/2012 20:26

'It always someone else's fault with some............'
reread what you said.
'he is just not popular and its someting his mother needs to work on with him'
seriously?
does everyone else in your little clique have this view.

imo the boy would be better off making new friends.

cheesesarnie · 24/02/2012 20:27

and everything reallytired said

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 24/02/2012 20:31

You shouldn't be letting your childbe mean to another child, you should be helping him to stick up for himself in a nice way. I agree with the suggestion about getting all the mums together to talk about it and find a solution, without putting the blame on anyone!

NatashaBee · 24/02/2012 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monstermissy · 24/02/2012 20:32

When ds was little our neighbours little girl would cry and yell everytime the game didnt go her way and go and tell on the other kids. The reality was she was spoilt. The result was her mum or dad coming out and telling off the other kids. Which in turn made kids not want to play with her even more. As she got older she got better but i think without the intervention of the parents it would of changed alot quicker. I dont think children should HAVE to play with kids they dont want but as everyone lives close by its important to try and get them in a similar place. Tough one!

EdithWeston · 24/02/2012 20:33

It's always the parents of children who are getting on OK who say "let them sort I out themselves".

It will be bad for the whole group if ostracism of one becomes the norm. Who will be excluded next? Might it be your DS?

I agree with reallytired and I think discreet intervention is needed here.

Notinmykitchen · 24/02/2012 20:33

So there are 6 boys and one is excluded by the others? That does sound like bullying to me. I think you, along with the other parents do need to take some responsibility to make sure this boy is included. Your OP gives the impression that it is OK for this child to be treated badly by the others as long as yours is one of the popular ones. How would you feel if your son was the one who was being avoided?

FranSanDisco · 24/02/2012 20:45

If he deliberately spoils the game and won't agree to compromise then he should find new friends who like this sort of self centredness from a friend. Sorry, but it's not bullying imo. He's not nice hence he's not liked. He can work on changing his behaviour.

shewhowines · 24/02/2012 20:52

yes but he may need help changing his behaviour. Unless someone is "brave" enough to have this conversation with his mother then she isn't being given a chance to help him. She might be really worried about the "bullying" and might be very open to some suggestions on how to help him. On the other hand she might not...... Parents get very defensive about their children and I have seen some friends fall out over it. Perhaps you can all help the 5 other children have strategies to help the odd one out. It can't be nice for him.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/02/2012 20:56

Your attitude sounds like a typical attitude of a bully's mother, I'm afraid. Gang/clique mentality. Making out the bullied victim is the one in the wrong.

Like others have said, this boy might well lack some social skills or be a bit annoying but you and your son both need to learn some compassion from the sounds of it!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/02/2012 20:57

Also how do you know about all his personality flaws? Do you just rely on what your son says or have you witnessed it?

gastonscave · 24/02/2012 21:03

sounds very much like my son Op.

He has Aspergers, not saying this lad does but a bit of compassion OP goes a long way.

We had to move school because the school my son was in was unwilling to help him with his social problems. His new school is amazing and he has the most fantastic group of friends who understand him and know when to ignore certain behaviours. Their understanding has enabled him to come on leaps and bounds

Your post makes me very sad that an adult would think the way you do even my son has grasped empathy

CremeEggThief · 24/02/2012 21:34

I don't think it would hurt for all of you to get together to try to sort it out, as you say one of the other mums wants to do, and I don't see why you seem so unwilling to do so. What have you got to lose? Think about how you would feel if your DS was the odd one out.

Dawndonna · 24/02/2012 21:39

Sounds similar to the way my Aspie was when he was younger too. Sometimes the only way he understood the game was to control it. As gaston says, a bit of compassion......

maddening · 24/02/2012 21:45

how do you know he is like this beyond what the boys have said - they wouldn't tell you they were bullying - what have you actually witnessed?