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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow ds to be mean to neighbours ds............

153 replies

crje · 24/02/2012 19:34

Live in a small estate (15 houses) 6 boys between 8-10 all play together even though they are quite different.One soccer mad,one science mad ect. They all come in different places within their own familys,1st chils 3rd child.... There is never a problem between 5 of the boys they can find common ground and get along.

The 6th boy is like a spanner in the works !!!!!!He tries to divide the group,wont compromise and ends up ruining the game when he joins in. The kids do pander to him at times but not always. When they get fed up of him they tell him to go home,run and hide ect

His mom asked one of the other moms today if there was anything she could do about the bullying !!!!!!!! Now imo he is not bullied he is just not popular and its someting his mother needs to work on with him. When the others fall out they sulk come home and when they are ready they jump back in the game without any inerferance from the parents. Do we make exception for this family,I think not

AIBU................

OP posts:
Coconutty · 25/02/2012 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

festi · 25/02/2012 10:37

sounds like he is being bullied/scapegoated, why do the children have to run and hide from him, tell him to go away, that is bullying IMHO. why cant you teach your ds to be respectfull of diversity and seek other more sensitive ways to try and help this boy see his behaviour at times is not good. Im sure all the boys at times are guilty of spoiling games, not following other peoples lead, they need to be able to negotiate not run away or victimise someone else, maybe if you taught him to allow the other boy to lead the game some times then they would not need to gang up on him.

NowThenWreck · 25/02/2012 10:43

"Oh I did! I told him that I was the adult and I didnt expect to have my decisions questioned. He then flounced out the front door with the parting shot "at least my mums nice" grin

I was very grown up and didn't retort with "at my kids dont sit on the kerb eating bags of chips from the age of five". >proud of self for not having to have the last word

festi · 25/02/2012 10:45

OMG would be glad to have dd excluded from sleepovers at trois house seeing as at 5 she sat on the kerb last night after school eating a hot dog with the boy who lives round the corner.

Dustinthewind · 25/02/2012 10:46

Would it be different if you referred to it as Al fresco Dining on frites and chien chaud?
Or would it still be dead common like?

NowThenWreck · 25/02/2012 10:48

I want some chips NOW! Sad

festi · 25/02/2012 10:53

we used to get 50p and go to the chippy for scrag ends when we were kids NowThen a bag used to be enough to feed all the kids on the scheme

Faverolles · 25/02/2012 10:55

As an adult, if someone was constantly a pain in the arse and causing problems for problems sake, I would avoid them. Is that bullying?
If my dc were playing in a group and one dc continually fails to play fairly, or wrecks the game, It wouldn't surprise me in the least to find them keen to avoid playing with him/her.

festi · 25/02/2012 10:58

Faverolles, I would communicate with them to find a solution just as I would expect my dcs to.

NowThenWreck · 25/02/2012 10:59

It can be bullying in the case of adults, yes. Workplace bullying is very common actually.
Some people are massivly annoying, but it's how it is dealt with that matters.
And anyway, children are not adults, are they. They need guidance from adults.

M1ssBerta · 25/02/2012 11:03

Fav I agree with you really. It must be annoying to have games upset all the time, I think some people are confusing normal child behaviour with bullying, saying that, in this case I really think a good old chat to clear the air would help things along.

Faverolles · 25/02/2012 11:05

In this situation, I would think the best way would be for the mothers to get together (preferably instigated by the child in question) and work out how to get him integrated into the group better. Calling the others bullies is going to alienate him from the group more than ever.

I'm afraid as an adult, I'm not sure I would have the energy to sort it out. Not everyone is going to get along in life, personalities clash.

Faverolles · 25/02/2012 11:07

Nowthen - I was meaning more in a social situation. I agree in work, you do what you can to get along.

Faverolles · 25/02/2012 11:08

(instigated by the child's mother - not the child)

vincettenoir · 25/02/2012 11:11

I think that people are being a bit harsh to OP. I can understand why she does not want to have a get together with other mums. It seems disproportionate. The boys will work it out between themselves

festi · 25/02/2012 11:14

I think the mother has already attempted that though and it does seem the child is being bullied. The op and other mums have not taken that up they have talked amongst them selves, well at least 2 of them have and op would rather not by the sounds of it talk to the other mum. The other mum did not ask for exceptions to be made but how can she help with the bullying.

M1ssBerta · 25/02/2012 11:18

I'm afraid as an adult, I'm not sure I would have the energy to sort it out. Not everyone is going to get along in life, personalities clash.

I've said this to my son, he tolerates the boy who wants to wreck it all, as do others. We have to tollerate loads of people in life, it's a valuable lesson.

ImproperlyAcquainted · 25/02/2012 11:24

I agree with fav to a large extent but these circumstances don't translate to the adult world. Workplace bullying would be the equivalent of school bullying and need to be dealt with. As an adult you can choose your friends based on more things than geographical convenience and narrow age range but as a child that is more tricky. This situation, where boy 6 has the option of playing with the other 5 boys or playing with nobody is not usual in the adult world. The solution for my ds was to make new friends but there are lots of dcs around here.
There is a bloke at my church who is one of those people you dread walking into the room (misogynous, boring, socially awkward) when you are having an interesting chat over coffee after mass but if he does hone in on you then you have to be polite. We can't tell him to go home or hide under the table when we see him coming because its his space as much as ours. That is only an hour a week though, I wouldn't want him tagging along every time I stepped out of the door which is what would happen if we were 8yo neighbours.

M1ssBerta · 25/02/2012 11:32

It's a proper ball ache to have someone constantly ruining games, when a meeting takes place this needs to be pointed out. It gets on your wick in the long run.

shewhowines · 25/02/2012 11:46

I think that bullying is when children are teased/ left out deliberately for NO GOOD REASON. These 5 lads do have a good reason, therefore IMO it is not bullying. However it is a small community. The children all need to learn how to get on with each other as IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. The 6th boy needs help to learn how to integrate both from the adults and the other children. The others need to be sympathised with (it is frustrating when one person upsets an otherwise balanced applecart) but can be helped to "manage" his behaviour without excluding and running away from him. All lessons that will help all of them out in later life to be "nice" adults.

Easier said than done, I know. But an effort should be made by all parents to empathise with all 6 children and help them all get on. The 6th child is not just going to disappear and make life easier for the other 5 and it will get harder for the them as the 6th child gets more desperate to be included. It would be better for everyone to work together to make the situation tolerable for all 6 kids.

What a sad situation.

shewhowines · 25/02/2012 11:49

I don't mean there is ever a good reason to tease someone.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/02/2012 14:06

I think the OP has shown the type of person she is by her thread title alone asking if its ok to allow her son to be mean to another boy. This in itself speaks volumes.

takeonboard · 25/02/2012 14:23

Empathy OP - learn it and then teach your DS too.

As Hexaganol says the tread title says it all.

janelikesjam · 25/02/2012 16:25

Its not always easy to know what is really happening anyway. Perhaps the boy has aspergers. Perhaps he is dominant and destructive and his behaviour is not acceptable. It is hard to know. And is it really OP's job to take responsibility for it all? Unless there is outright bullying, swearing and fighting I don't really see what good can become of getting involved. Also, these things often blow over after a while, sometimes how it happens. But sympathies to OP, sometimes difficult in small communites where kids play together.

troisgarcons · 25/02/2012 16:37

I'm afraid I don't allow myself to be questioned by children. Last time I looked, I was the adult.

So if A says "can X come to play?", and the answer is "Sorry, but not today" - no way on Gods green earth do I expect to get the question "why not?".

Direct question are often met with short shift from me I'm afraid. I've given an answer to a question. That's the end of the matter.

Had I said, "because you are shit stirring little gobshite with a foul mouth who enjoys causing trouble, playing all the other kids off against each other", then quite probably his mother would have been round giving me a piece ofher mind. Infact I cant even think how to tell a child they have a nasty streak in a positive way.

To put that in perspective, my son stayed at mutal friends house last weekend. Child A found out about it and sent a really foul text along the lines of "you're a fucking bastard everyone hates you and B only invited you round because he feels sorry for you" (marginally ruder and a lot more ill spelt). I suppose I should take the mobile round to child As house and show his mother - but my life is too short for confrontation. He is a manipulator and will contrive some incident that allegedly happened to provoke this angry text.

A simple "don't play with him, don't invite him in, don't go to his house" will suffice.

I would point out that Child A slept at Child Bs house the week before and my son wasn't invited. So it's not a wilful exclusion issue of Child A.