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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow ds to be mean to neighbours ds............

153 replies

crje · 24/02/2012 19:34

Live in a small estate (15 houses) 6 boys between 8-10 all play together even though they are quite different.One soccer mad,one science mad ect. They all come in different places within their own familys,1st chils 3rd child.... There is never a problem between 5 of the boys they can find common ground and get along.

The 6th boy is like a spanner in the works !!!!!!He tries to divide the group,wont compromise and ends up ruining the game when he joins in. The kids do pander to him at times but not always. When they get fed up of him they tell him to go home,run and hide ect

His mom asked one of the other moms today if there was anything she could do about the bullying !!!!!!!! Now imo he is not bullied he is just not popular and its someting his mother needs to work on with him. When the others fall out they sulk come home and when they are ready they jump back in the game without any inerferance from the parents. Do we make exception for this family,I think not

AIBU................

OP posts:
desperatenotstupid · 25/02/2012 17:23

YABVU and a bit of a bitch I have been that unpopular child and i can tell you, it hurts and it IS bullying. In fact it is worse than being hit. Maybe YOU should be educating your children about being kind and accomodating those who are a bit different to the popular kids. My daughter is going through similar and whilst I am very aware that children can be vile, I can see that there is one particular girl at school who is the popular one and can be very manipulative. She has encouraged the other children to run away from my child, because I am aware that children's alliances change with the weather I am just keeping a watchful eye. This happened the other day with another girl and my daughter was one of the runners away, i made it very clear to my DD that is totally unacceptable and asked her to remember how it made her feel when the other children run away from her. I do suspect that alot of the behaviour comes from the parents and you, OP, have just clarified that, you are promoting the most insidious form of bullying and should be ashamed of yoruself.

desperatenotstupid · 25/02/2012 17:32

Oh it gets better, "The other mum is very different in her ways" Well, i think i know who i would rather be around Hmm Not only are you condoning the bullying of a child you are actually colluding with the other bitches mothers to exclude this woman from what you describe as your close knit community. You sound like an absolute diamond Hmm Seriously, take a good look at yourself you are like a school bully and you need to be setting a better example for your children quite frankly.

desperatenotstupid · 25/02/2012 17:34

Oh and its not "fed up of" its "fed up with" sheesh

OriginalJamie · 25/02/2012 17:39

some really good posts here. OP it sounds like he is being scapegoated and ganged up on. He may not have the best social skills, but his chances of acquiring them are zero if he is being excluded and his self-esteem damaged like this.

An please, enough with the exclamation marks. It's not that exciting

troisgarcons · 25/02/2012 18:15

I've just been really bad .... maybe a new thread? meh! that would be a thread about a thread.

Son has been out playing and arrived with Child A........

"can I go to Child A's for a while?"
Is he outside waiting for you?
"Yes and he's really sorry" ~ convoluted story ~ "he didn't mean what he said" ~ more convoluted story.

So I went outside and said ...... ""A, the text you sent was nasty. It was spiteful and it had foul language. You did it because you were jealous. You do this all the time. You spend more time at Bs house than Son does so you had no reason to be jealous. I've a good mind to take it and show your mother AND if you ever send something like that I will show your mother so thank your lucky stars you've got away with it this time because there won't be a next time.""

My son is just too forgiving. The little gobshite didnt even say sorry or stop meeting my gaze.

Mental note, when issuing a bollocking to not stand there with a load of scrunchies in hair looking like some demented Medusa waving a spatula because I need a hair cut and I was half way through cooking.

Dustinthewind · 25/02/2012 18:26
Grin Well, he knows what he did wrong now!
festi · 25/02/2012 21:28

trois why are you having that level of debate with a 9 year old, you sound like one of his peers rather than an adult, Im not surprised he talks to you on the same level you talk to him. that does not sound like a bollocking it sounds like a desperate attempt to argue over who is better friends with who, all you where missing was a "so there" before you spun around and stropped off.

Original poster
crje · 25/02/2012 22:24

To those who see both sides thank you.
The children played well today observed from a distance by me and two other moms .The boys parents did not come down at all............I care what goes on and with my kids im tough but fair and if thats the way my ds is-is that so bad !!!!!!!!
Ive had an unpopular ds and I know its tough but he wasn't bullied he was just a pain in the ass socially.......he is 16 and super now. No victim complex or labels we just let his peers knock a few edges off him. I managed my ds and his difficulties I wish others were more pro active.

OP posts:
gastonscave · 25/02/2012 23:11

No victim complex or labels we just let his peers knock a few edges off him. I managed my ds and his difficulties I wish others were more pro active.

You come across as a nasty insensitive judgemental witch. Go ahead let your son be mean to the poor lad, he has a good role model in you.

Maybe you can come and sort out my labelled son as I'm obviously making such a shit job.

Original poster
crje · 25/02/2012 23:31

gastoncave -not sure if your one of the mom's who's child has an underlying issue.If it is then your anger is mis-placed. It is not the case here........
I explained I wont let my ds be mean,, I just don't think he should bow to the other childs demandswants !!!!!
Don't be so quick to dismiss the story about my ds........it really wasn't causing him distress more frustration which is the case with the other boy imo. He wants things all his own way.
They were very comfortable in eachothers company today and the addition of the girls on the street to the game did seem to help(no soccer) they built a fort. There is no angst here just a personality clash and would like for them to work it out without the 'labels' is that too much to ask ?????

OP posts:
desperatenotstupid · 26/02/2012 10:17

did you finish the job by knocking some edges off yourself? God you sound like a hard-faced cow, and are you American, if so i forgive you, but whats with the "moms"??

Giving up on ever trying to persuade you that you are encouraging your ds to be a bully, I wont ever have this problem because none of my children will be playing out on the streets aged 8.

Coconutty · 26/02/2012 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarekidding · 26/02/2012 10:26

I was with you until this........... The kids do pander to him at times but not always. When they get fed up of him they tell him to go home,run and hide etc

That IS bullying. They actively excluding him here. If he's annoying, whiney etc they need to be told to tell him that's the deal take it or leave it. It's the boys decision if he goes home or stays and plays or not. And you said you teach your DS decent social skills Hmm

I have a DS the same age (7). I do not get involved unless a child reduces him to tears or actively hurts him. I will however speak to him after events and give him suggestions and tools on how better to behave in a group situation. Both standing up for himself and compromising with whiners and also about him compromising and not needing to win/ be in charge of every decision too.

It always someone else's fault with some............ yeah clearly, your blaming the other boy and not your DS.

YABVU.

Whatmeworry · 26/02/2012 10:31

There are always bullies, and there are always PITA kids. Avoiding PITA kids is not bullying.

youarekidding · 26/02/2012 10:38

Oh and BTW, my DS has poor social communication skills, but he needs to learn them not be victimised, and a few edges knocked off him

desperatenotstupid · 26/02/2012 10:40

Actively encouraging your children to avoid the PITA kids IS condoning bullying. The OP is not saying to her son, "go and find someone else to play with" she is encouraging him, as part of a group and it is the group thing that is the key here, to tell this boy to go away or run away from him. Maybe he is being a PITA because the other children aren't accepting him and at 8 he is handling it badly. Not really able to look into yourself and analyse that there might be something in your own behaviour that the children are not liking. We take our social cues from our parents. The OP is encouraging her child to a) be a sheep and run with the popular crowd rather than giving the "PITA" kid a chance and b) bully the child by encouraging the popular kids to run away from the PITA kid. That is not a good message, in life we have to deal with PITAs all the time, we wouldnt get very far at all if we just avoided them. I think the telling thing is that the OP views the child as different because his mother does'nt fit in with the rest of the "moms" as she has said upthread that "the mother does things in a different way". Well, i guess the PITA kid has some harsh lessons to learn, but at least he wont be an arse licker when he grows up and might actually go on to better things.

brass · 26/02/2012 10:42

my DS2 is in a group of 6 and one boy in particular is like this. he tries to engineer very close relationship with one boy trying to be 'best friend' even though the other boy doesn't feel the same and it causes a problem when other boy chooses to play with all the others, invite others to tea and sleepovers etc. he won't join in games properly - not going 'out' when he's caught out etc. he tries to control the rules of games and what others are doing or how they are doing it. one party he requested to go home early because the others weren't listening to him. I said 'sure, I'll phone your mum and tell her to pick you up because the others aren't listening to you and doing what you want, even though it's DS2's party'. he looked sheepish and said 'no it's ok'

imo they are all very good to him and he is improving and luckily his mum is on the same page as us other mums. that helps. he is immature and his social skills aren't coming along with the line with the others.

festi · 26/02/2012 10:44

lots of people are saying I know a child like this...like what exactly? who knows what this kid is like we only have ops vesion of what the child is like.

brass · 26/02/2012 10:46

sorry - in line with the others.

desperatenotstupid · 26/02/2012 10:53

brass, that is the difference between you and the OP though, YOU arent encouraging your son to exclude this boy but you are helping him to see where he is going wrong, along with his mum. Seems to me you are actively involving this lad, you cannot force kids to play withother kids they don't want to play with, but by the same token, you sholdnt encourage them to be unkind to them either.

piprabbit · 26/02/2012 10:53

Having just read the Childline definition of bullying, it sounds to me as though the OPs son and his friends fall within the definition of bullying.

If you leave kids to sink or swim on their own, some will swim away and be fine but others will sink. If you know a child is sinking why not offer them some armbands till they learn to cope on their own?

OriginalJamie · 26/02/2012 16:24

OP

"I explained I wont let my ds be mean,, I just don't think he should bow to the other childs demands and wants !!!!!"

This seems to contradict what you said in your OP:

"When they get fed up of him they tell him to go home,run and hide ect"

It sounds like your son and his friends need some lessons in social skills as well, perhaps learning how to deal with someone who is irritating them...

OriginalJamie · 26/02/2012 16:26

"If you leave kids to sink or swim on their own, some will swim away and be fine but others will sink. If you know a child is sinking why not offer them some armbands till they learn to cope on their own?"

I agree with this pipirabbit

OP - perhaps the term bullying made you bristle, but it seems to me that a meeting of all the mums where they decide the best way to address all the childrens' social skills would be the best thing

complexnumber · 26/02/2012 18:23

If the group of boys can't play well together, whoever you might think is to blame for this, but can play co-operatively and creatively when others are added to the mix, in this case the neighbourhood girls, it does sound as though all the boys need to work on their social skills and have a bit more role-modelling to help them mature.

cory · 26/02/2012 20:08

I think I would use this as a learning situation and discuss with my children how they can work out a compromise which helps them deal with this boy's behaviour without feeling the need to resort to the kind of comments you mention in your OP (run and hide is horribly rude in my book).

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