Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

to think these parents are irresponsible and possibly cruel

178 replies

ShagOBite · 20/02/2012 21:18

Inspired by a thread, which was inspired by another thread. (Don't worry MNHQ, no deletions or anything)

Why would you not teach your children to cook and clean? Surely even royalty need to know the basics? Why would you not teach such an important life skill?

AIBU to think it is irresponsible and possibly cruel?

OP posts:

PeahenTailFeathers · 21/02/2012 10:30

Yanbu. I was never taught to clean by my mother - I was an only child and very spoilt. Unfortunately, and my mother and I have spoken about this, cooking and cleaning do need to be taught, they're not instinctive and I was in a pickle to say the least when I moved out (and it's why I live in a pigsty slightly less than immaculate house to this day). When my first baby's born in May, I do plan to teach her basic cleaning skills.

PeppyNephrine · 21/02/2012 10:31

For me the most useful skill to teach a child is initiative, the desire to work things out on your own and just get the hell on with it. A skill that is sadly lacking in many, adults too.

ohbugrit · 21/02/2012 10:32

Only on Mumsnet will you find women arguing about which direction did be taken to clean stairs correctly!

ohbugrit · 21/02/2012 10:32

*should

allnewtaketwo · 21/02/2012 10:33

It's not linked to being an only child though. If a mother doesn't want a child to learn skills, she'll proceed on this path regardless of how many children she has.

Indith · 21/02/2012 10:33

I lived with some people at uni who just didn't have a clue and yes, ok, they could read a recipe book and do it I'm sure but the point was that they didn't know where to start, picking up a book, shopping for ingredients was beyone them. And having never had anything to do with the kitchen the question og hygiene didn't occur to them. Nor did they ever think of cleaning the loo or sink, it had always been done by the magic fairies, they had never seen it done so never thought about it. A couple of times I was away for the weekend and I would come back to find the loo blocked with paper, the girl in question just assumed it would flush away at some point if she kept using it because she had never had to deal with it before. Her common sense (such as it was) said "loo paper flushes down" because her parents had simply never exposed her to anything going wrong, it would always be sorted magically when she was at school. The oven broke and nobody did anything about it until my didnner had been in there 20 mins and I wondered why it wasn't cooking when they said "oh yeah it stopped working last week". Again I assume the magic fairies were going to call the repair guy. I came home after a week away to find insects crawling among the crumbs on the kitchen counters. Apparently you don't need to wipe them because you do your chopping on a chopping board so it is ok.

I think though some parents just don't realise that their children have failed to pick things up, they assume that the children know what goes on at home and how to do basic chores. I picked things up without being taught them but I did things with my mum. We baked together and cooked together and washed up afterwards. Thus I knew how to follow a recipe, to use the oven, mixer etc and that you had to clean up after yourself including wiping the sides and the sink. As I got older I would be asked to throw the hoover around sometimes or to dust my room. Thus you learn how often things need to be done. When my mum started working in the evenings I gradually started doing more cooking. It started with my having to (for example) cook the pasta and defrost the bolognase and ended with my making the whole lot.

My mum was a SAHM though. I do wonder if that affects it? Not wanting to open a nasty debate, just wondering if being able to have the time cooking and baking etc with small children helps? Currently I am a SAHM and my dcs can both chop, stir, knead, roll out dough and so on but I know that if/when I start working I'll be chucking stuff in the slow cooker while stuffing breakfast down the dcs as I head out of the door and cleaning will be done in a morning while they are at the park rather than having a small child follow me round with their own duster copying me.

OneLittleBabyGirl · 21/02/2012 10:34

Peachen I moved out into a student flat . The idea is to clean as least as possible. It's always the first one cracks that does the work. And maybe I'm BU, but as a female, I don't want to be the one that everyone assumes will do the housework. When I get my own place, I made sure it's clean however. As I know I'm responsible.

allnewtaketwo · 21/02/2012 10:35

Agreed peppy. I've had the misfortune to employ a couple of very highly qualified people with zero initiative. You can teach someone to do tasks, but if they have no initiative they will never learn to do anything off their own back of feel any sense of responsibility for anything.

mrsnesbit · 21/02/2012 10:35

me being the spectacular auntie that i am, i sent her a daily challenge via text:

Find the laundry room...text me the price of one laundry load...she did it.

Do 1 coloured load of laundry...with only 1 phone call for advice to your mum...she did it!

Find the bus stop nearest to your halls...she did it

get on bus to city centre..tell me the cost...she did it!

Tell me 5 facts about 5 new people yu met today...she did it.
etc etc etc.

We are getting there now, she can do laundry, booked into a GP near to her residence, found student services and now knows what to do if she looses her keys at a weekend!

She should have had the confidence, and nouce to do all of this years ago!
A very very bright girl by all accounts!

allnewtaketwo · 21/02/2012 10:37

It's nothing to do with being a SAHM. The fact that all the washing/cooking etc etc needs to be done when I'm not at work means DS is more likely to see me doing it.

allnewtaketwo · 21/02/2012 10:38

I think sometimes the definition of 'bright' is restricted to those with good exam grades. I believe that being 'bright' is a lot more than this.

Haziedoll · 21/02/2012 10:41

YANBU. Parents who don't teach their children the basics are often controlling. They enjoy the dependence their children have on them as it gives them a sense of purpose. They are also the type of people who moan that their partner never lifts a finger where the reality is that they have got them just where they want them.

Bonsoir · 21/02/2012 10:42

Indith - I had breakfast yesterday morning with a good friend who is an über-busy WOHM. We were talking about the forthcoming school trip we are going on. She is fully aware that her DD, who is the same age as my DD, didn't learn to pick up after herself as a little girl in the way mine did because she spent her days with a nounou who did that for her. It is hard to get nounous not to do it, because they know they are doing themselves out of a job if the children they care for learn skills of independence.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 21/02/2012 10:43

I don't think it makes much difference if you work indith, the opposite perhaps. I have always worked FT from when dd was 3 months, she is now 16 and has grown up watching me do stuff, pitching in (for fun!) and then knowing how to do it.

I did always used to do boring stuff like laundry when she was in bed (when she was younger), but she would be awake when I got in from work, stuff like mopping the floor and doing the dishes would start off as a game which she liked to help with.

She has always loved cooking, I was a rubbish cook when I left home (my gran's cooking was inspired by Steptoe and Son I imagine) so I learnt with her, dd stood on a chair grating cheese or whatever, me reading a recipe book, cooking together. It was easy for me really as I was a single parent so I didn't have a partner to have to think about for years.

I have never baked with dd (well, I may have once) but I don't think that is important, I don't like cake and always regard baking as deadly dull. But there are recipe books all over and dd has turned into a champion baker over the years. She is also a good cook. She is naturally a scruffy beggar but Idon't care if her room looks like the wreck of the hesperus ( to a point) but she knows that she has to tidy up after herself as she goes.

Ramble, ramble

OrmIrian · 21/02/2012 10:44

Cruel? Of course it isn't cruel! it might be a little short-sighted. However having said that no-one 'taught' me to cook and clean. But I am fairly good cook and housekeeper. I picked it up by osmosis - as did DB.

IMO the best way to 'teach' someone to cook and clean is to let them live independently for a while - they'll find themselves remembering the basics.

And any woman who allows a man to be a make-weight in the house is a mug (BTW I include myself in that ). I don't blame MIL for that. Having said that after 20 years he's improving.....

KatAndKit · 21/02/2012 10:44

I am horrified that someone can get as far as university and need help and encouragement to get a local bus or to put in a load of washing.

My mother used to teach school leavers with learning disabilities. This is the sort of thing they were learning - how to use public transport, how to make your own lunch.

The fact that a young person without any learning disability should see catching a bus as an achievement is mind boggling.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 21/02/2012 10:45

I think it was also lucky that I was skint, and couldn't afford cleaners or nounous.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 21/02/2012 10:47

I have just reread my thread and I sound insufferably smug.

I have just blagged my way through motherhood and it wasn't some great plan to get dd to do housework, just looking back it seemed to have worked well.

allnewtaketwo · 21/02/2012 10:49

You are right to be horrified KitandKat, I've witnessed it first hand but still can't fail to find it shocking. Even more shocking that someone who considers themselves to be a good parent can not see it.

mrsnesbit · 21/02/2012 10:49

worst end of the spectrum....dont worry, i have learned from her mistakes, my 8 year old is a slave in our house!

Laquitar · 21/02/2012 10:50

I agree with Haziedoll that it is often about control.

Bonsoir · 21/02/2012 10:55

GetOrf - not having money to throw at problems can definitely be good for self-development

The least independent children I know are the ones with SAHMs and nounous. Far too many adults to run around after them. A low ratio of adults to children is good, IMO.

allnewtaketwo · 21/02/2012 10:57

On the other hand DSSs' mother has loads of children who she does everything for. But by all accounts she just gets totally stressed with so much to do that she shouts a lot. Her need to be needed defies any common sense. But yes, I agree it's a control issue.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 21/02/2012 10:58

There is something to be said for dragging your children up.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 21/02/2012 10:58

And I only have one child, I think everything is easier when you have just one.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8