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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to show I am asexual by wearing a black ring?

475 replies

asiatic · 16/02/2012 19:03

Lots of asexuals wear a black ring on their right middle finger. I'm thinking of getting one. What do you thinK? Have you ever seen anyone wearing one? How would you respond to a policeman, or bus driver or teacher advertising that they are asexual? I'm thinking it might be a helpful message to avoid misunderstandings, or is it something you don't really want to know about a stranger? Would it influence your perception of other aspects of them?

OP posts:
Original poster
asiatic · 16/02/2012 21:45

"Even bringing it up as a reason WHY you dont fancy somebody just seems weird, and frankly sound like you are trying to cover up that in fact you are trying to pull, or fancy somebody"

This is exactly why I want to be upfront about beig asexual, and not try and explain AFTER I have been misunderstood.

I think the problem is so few people have any understanding of asexuality. Some people don't even realise it exists, and so the possibility of someone being asexual doesn't occur to them.

Some people have difficulty accepting its reality even after it has been explained to them, just take a look back on this thead. There are some lovely, carefully considered and constructive comments, and there are some people who treat the whole issue as a stupid joke, with no consideration forthe feelings of anyone else who might be reading.

There may be other asexuals following this thread too, maybe not as upfront or confident as I am. If this is your identity, it is as much your life and your self as any other sexual orientation.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 16/02/2012 21:48

Oh I dunno

I have been in far too many situations where platonic friends, male, female, have suddenly tried to get off with me. It happens. It's annoying. To me it was when younger though, which is why I wonder if OP is young.

LadyBeagleEyes · 16/02/2012 21:50

But OP, hetrosexuals and gays don't need to advertise the fact.
They just are.
Why do you feel the need to let everyone know you're not asexual?
I don't need to wear a ring to let a man or woman know I'm not interested.
Why can't you do the same?

Original poster
asiatic · 16/02/2012 21:54

Ladybeagleeyes, because wearing a ring on your ring finger seems to be read as "taken", and no ring at all seems to be read as "available", so I want one that says "single" and " unavailable"!

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 16/02/2012 21:56

Mostly only other asexuals will know that a black ring means asexuality, so its not a sign to people who aren't and you'll still have to explain... I'm sure I have a black dress ring somewhere that certainly doesn't mean I'm asexua.

However, if it helps you to meet someone (unless you already have) who is also asexual, then YANBU at all.

You will still have to explain to people other than those who know. That is just something that comes with who you are. I would hope people are understanding.

I'm not going to stop wearing my dress rings of many colours though Grin

YANBU asiatic I simply think you're hoping for something that won't happen, you're hoping to avoid that chat and possible upset, you want people to see your ring and just know, understand and accept... that will not happen.

Wear it for no one else but you. If it brings you comfort and maybe even some friends who DO understand then I cannot see a downside.

aldiwhore · 16/02/2012 21:57

Shit I wear a wedding ring and there's still times some jerk will try it on!! A ring won't stop that, gay, straight, asexual, highlysexual, available or not. x

IAmLouise · 16/02/2012 21:59

Asiatic I really don't think that a ring will help much unless you make the point of telling everyone that this is your I-am-an-asexual ring.

Whilst the wearing of the ring won't make any difference I suppose taking the time to explain to a friend that you have a new ring and what it signifies then they might not doubt your asexualness. But, like I said earlier, if you are having a continuing problem with friends thinking you fancy them then you are probably displaying some behaviour that you don't realise you are.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 22:00

OP, you are overthinking it

< gavel >

MooncupandPizza · 16/02/2012 22:03

asiatic I still think it would be easier to convey with words and actions than a ring.
I mean, a wedding ring doesn't deter some people though it officially conveys "unavailable" so even if the black ring on the middle finger was widely understood, it wouldn't necessarily serve the purpose you want it to.
Given that it isn't widely understood, it's not going to be useful in the way you want it to.

I think asexuality probably is poorly understood or recognised but I think that's a separate issue , really, to you conveying to someone "I am only interested in you as a friend". I don't think your sexuality needs to be brought into it, necessarily. Your reasons for not fancying someone are often not relevant and, where they are relevant, where you do want to explain that you are asexual, then you should do just that but a ring is not going to convince someone more if they don't believe you and it's not going to work as a signal from the beginning as it's not widely known.

Just jump in there as soon as you can with a statement about how you are defintiely not looking for any kind of relationship other than friendship when you can and then the reasons for that can be revealed, or not, as the friendship goes on.

I mean, most meetings of people are not on the basis taht you are expecting or hoping to get involved with them anyway.

Is your identifying as asexual a relatively new thing? It sounds like it isn't but I just felt that, if it were, it might be why you wanted to get it out there early and also that you are grappling with the implications and therefore over-thinking the issue a bit as I really don't see how such a symbol is going to be generally or regularly useful even if it did work.

MaybeSheWill · 16/02/2012 22:04

I wouldn't think you were U. I would think that 99.9% of people would have no clue what is signified though, so it might be a bit of a waste of time.

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/02/2012 22:06

if it makes you feel better op then do it.

for years people have adopted symbols that indicate their sexuality - i know my dearsis (god rest her soul) was a gay woman who wore an ear stud in the ear that indicated that she was a gay woman.

other gay women got it.
i was oblivious!
if its a done thing in the asexual world then other asexual people might get it. i doubt anyone else would though if thats what you are hoping for.

mathanxiety · 16/02/2012 22:07

I have friends of both sexes, am not in a relationship of any kind right now, and to the best of my knowledge nobody that I know has ever had any sort of non-platonic interest in me ever. Maybe I have just misread any signals they have been sending out, but I think my basic assumption is right.

My sexual orientation is heterosexual, but it is not my life -- in the sense that I am not out there on the pull or batting my eyelids at every second man I meet. You can have a sexual orientation without wearing it on your sleeve. Or finger. It is a part of my life, but it is not my life.

Are you just assuming you are alienating people because they think you fancy them or could it be that are they just not that into you as friends? TBH, if people were cool towards me I would assume their lives were busy or they had found some new hobby, or a bf or gf, or that I had managed to bore them silly, etc., and not that they thought I fancied them and were running for the hills. It is entirely possible that people are not interested in you sexually or that they think you are interested in them. You may be misreading their signals. You may be sending out messages you are not aware of.

If you are sure they are misreading your signals, and it happens a lot, then you really need to look at your signals and stop doing whatever it is that you are doing.

Fecklessdizzy · 16/02/2012 22:08

Sod the ring thing ... Hand out leaflets as soon as you meet people.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 16/02/2012 22:10

This thread is so funny Grin

'OMG the bus driver is wearing the Black Ring of Asexuality! Quick let's get the 44 instead!'

OP, nobody in the real, boring world of shuffle-along sex-havers has the foggiest what the Black Ring means. The only people you will successfully ward off are other asexuals, which are the very group you have nothing to fear from. The only difference you might notice is that more goths approach you with intent to Sex. Not the outcome you are looking for at all.

Yes, Plant Sex! We had to fluff our tomatoes one year when they were all indoors - tiny little tomato BJs with a cotton wool bud. Marvellous.

Haziedoll · 16/02/2012 22:11

Just tell your friends to fuck off. The subtle approach is useless.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 16/02/2012 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fecklessdizzy · 16/02/2012 22:14

What about a sandwich board? It's unflattering AND really hard to miss ... Win/win!

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/02/2012 22:16

perhaps the op wants to signify her asexuality, why does it matter so much to others who want to take the piss?

plenty of symbols are adopted among people of certain persuasions - i dont get why the OP is getting such a hard time - does it matter if she wears a ring that means something to her? others who understand the symbolism would get it - or it may be a way of introducing the topic of her asexuality to others, without being subtle as a brick....

leave her alone.

ask this of yourselves - if it was a gay woman asking if she should wear a single ear stud what would you say? as a straight woman i wouldnt get it but plenty of gay women would.

QuintessentialyHollow · 16/02/2012 22:17

You say there is little understanding of what asexual is on this thread. I would go as far as to suggest that you have very little understanding of both bisexual, heterosexual and homosexual (which are the most usual types sexual humans come in). Being either does not mean that one is constantly on the look out for sex, or sexual connections at all. It just highlight the gender one usually fall in love with. When I meet new people I have NO interest in them sexually, I have NO interest in knowing whether they are gay, bi or hetero. It is totally not on my agenda at all. I am interested in them as people, and I think that this is what you should be too, when you meet new people, and stop being so obsessed with your own asexuality. And stop being worried that others think you are keen on them.

I will repeat, you need to look carefully at the signals you are giving out, and not put some stupid ring on a certain finger. NOBODY, aside from other asexuals, who seem from what you say, to be overly keen on knowing others sexuality, will know what it means.

GoingForGoalWeight · 16/02/2012 22:17

Feckle a sandwich board! LMFAO!!!

GoingForGoalWeight · 16/02/2012 22:17

Feckle a sandwich board! LMFAO!!!

bibbitybobbityhat · 16/02/2012 22:18

I also don't see what this op has said or done to attract such vitriol! Shock - I genuinely cannot understand the problem Confused.

aldiwhore · 16/02/2012 22:19

I don't understand the lesbain ear piercing? I assume this was an 80's idea?? Or before....

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 16/02/2012 22:20

Ah Vicar you're right. Sorry OP!

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/02/2012 22:20

blimey.... my sister wore her ear stud to signify that she was gay and proud of her sexuality, and it saved those awkward moments in gay bars. it was just who she was and she showed it with her stud, and her jewellery was often symbolic - she wore a few symbols.

i think plenty of gay people do this.

why is it different for an asexual person?

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