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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to show I am asexual by wearing a black ring?

475 replies

asiatic · 16/02/2012 19:03

Lots of asexuals wear a black ring on their right middle finger. I'm thinking of getting one. What do you thinK? Have you ever seen anyone wearing one? How would you respond to a policeman, or bus driver or teacher advertising that they are asexual? I'm thinking it might be a helpful message to avoid misunderstandings, or is it something you don't really want to know about a stranger? Would it influence your perception of other aspects of them?

OP posts:
Lueji · 17/02/2012 17:39

Assuming that people would know the meaning, outside of the asexual community.

Personally I hate "signals", as it would just make me worried about wearing anything, as it might send a specific message.

If you are asked on a date, just make sure you inform the person that you are asexual.

MissSayuri · 17/02/2012 17:39

I've never heard of it before, but I'm not a fan of overt expressions of self identity, I think there's an air of self importance about it. We live in the 21st century, folk aren't really that interested in the sexual preferences of others nowadays, less so if they're asexual. Why do you care that people know?

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 17:44

Agree with SGB

Laughing at the idea that people no longer care about the sexual preferences of others!

droves · 17/02/2012 17:53

My teenage dd and her boyfriend used to wear black rings .

They don't anymore , should I be worried ?

I thought it was just a fashion thing.

Confused
manicinsomniac · 17/02/2012 18:15

I'm interested in other people's sexuality - is that a bad thing?

I'm also interested in their families, hobbies, nationality, religion, political stance etc - I just like knowing about people, especially my friends! Nosy maybe but I don't see how you can be interested in somebody without knowing about them.

I once got totally shouted down on a forum for saying that I couldn't see how it could possibly matter what colour skin somebody has. I thought that being colour blind was the opposite to racism - then I was introduced to the concept of white privilege.

This situation seems the same to me. For those of us who are heterosexual sexuality seems irrelevant - straight privilege.

For minority groups that characterisitc will always be something they want recognised and noticed. Natural and right.

catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 18:38

Heteronormative mundanes just assume that everyone they meet is heterosexual and inclined towards monogamy

No - I honestly just don't give a fuck

(much like the OP)

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 18:47

I'm a heteronormative mundane Smile

I do tend to assume people are straight unless there is a reason not to
I do tend to assume that people who are over a certain age aren't going out and shagging loads of people of a weekend, living with a number of partners other than 1, or frequenting dogging sites

If I find out that people are doing things that are different to what the majority are doing, I find it interesting. If a mum at the school gates told me she enjoyed going to sex clubs I would be interested to hear about it . Ditto if an old school friend was in a trio with a couple of blokes. How does it work? Isn't there any jealousy? That sort of thing. Sure I'd be interested. I think that most people would be TBH!

catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 18:54

I just am at a stage where other peoples sexual exploits bore me to death. I don't think anything could shock me and I just don't care if you like dogging, Japanese rope bondage or are a furbie.

Its just yawn.

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 17/02/2012 18:57

I agree with you catgirl but no doubt some know it all sourpuss will be along any minute to tell you that you can't possibly know what you think about anything or anybody and you're just talking shit anyway.

Ho hum.

catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 18:58

Oh yes ... I forgot I didnt know my own mind :)

Sure someone will put me right soon enough

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 19:01

Not shocking. Interesting.

If someone tells me anything that they do that is unusual and/or outside my experience I am interested. In why they do it, what they get out of it, have they always done it, and so on.

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 19:05

I've never met anyone into japanese rope bondage. It looks painful. I would ask them if it was painful, and also how long it takes to get all trussed up. I always try to take an interest when people tell me about things they like to do, and I would find it interesting if someone had a sexual fetish that I didn't know anything about.

catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 19:05

Really? I am not like that - maybe I am anti-social :)

If someone did bell ringing on the weekends, or rock climbing or collected glassware, I really wouldn't want to hear about it. Am a grumpy old bag really.

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 19:07

It was this comment I was responding to btw

"We live in the 21st century, folk aren't really that interested in the sexual preferences of others nowadays, less so if they're asexual."

Look at the soaps, the red tops, the magazines, all full of who's doing who and how.
Loads of people also still conceal their sexuality at work.

catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 19:16

I was responding to sgb who assumes I assume everyone I meet is straight, which seems like a lot of assuming and is plain incorrect.

I don't watch soaps, I don't read red tops or gossip mags. I don't assume everyone I meet is straight and I don't find other peoples sexuality or sex lives remotley interesting.

I wasn't having a pop at you sardine or saying there is anything wrong with finding it interesting, I just don't :)

OriginalJamie · 17/02/2012 19:23

sgb assumes we all disdain her choices. Which is ironic.

I don't find people not having sex interesting. I don't find people having sex all that interesting, especially footballers.

I do now know what a black ring means (to some people), so that's something. But it's only a useful means of communication with stranger if it's widely known about, and I don't think that I count as I'm not in the market for not having sex/having sex, especially with people who aren't my husband

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 19:23

I think SGB was talking in general.
Rather than about you specifically!
I also don't watch soaps, read red tops, or gossip mags, but I know that lots and lots of people do.
And if I meet the dad of one of my friends DDs, I assume he is straight. Not in any conscious way, I don't dwell on it or anything. But I know if a dad I saw at the school gates turned up one day holding hands with a chap I would be a bit surprised. Not shocked, or scared, or horrified, or fascinated, or anything like that. Just a bit surprised. If they then told me that they liked to dress up as cats and smooth each others fur, then I would be a little more surprised. And, well not interested exactly, but certainly not entirely uninterested! I think that most people are like that TBH, I really do. I don't think SGB isn't way off the mark.

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 19:24

And I really do want a badge!!!

catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 19:29

She was talking in generalisms. I don't like sweeping generalisms being made about people on the basis of their sexuality, race or religion. I think it is rather off.

SardineQueen · 17/02/2012 19:30

But heterosexual privilege exists
As does white privilege
Male privilege
etc

OriginalJamie · 17/02/2012 19:34

Yes it does. I think the problem was with the ring idea. Not the idea of being asexual.

catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 19:35

So it's fine to make sweeping statements about a group if the have privilege within society? I don't think it is

It's not a big thing, I am not offended by SGB. It's just that she's wrong. If you make sweeping statements about huge groups of people you are invariably going to be wrong in a huge amount of cases.

Lueji · 17/02/2012 19:35

Of course, if Dr. House saw such a ring, he would start running medical tests to find out what is wrong with you. Wink

Do we need a periodic table of sexual preferences signs?
I'm beginning to be afraid of wearing jewelry... Blush

ClothesOfSand · 17/02/2012 19:36

With all the mockery on this thread, the situation of the OP has never really been discussed.

We don't know if the OP is straight or gay. Being straight means having a sexual and/or a romantic attraction to people of the opposite sex. An asexual person could want to be in a straight, long term monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex and not have sex with that person. Some asexual people date other asexual people, some date sexual people and come to to an understanding. Some have no sexual or romantic interest in other people and so are single. Equally, the OP could be gay and have a romantic but non-sexual interest in somebody of the same sex.

So the fact that she is asexual does not resolve the issue of why or how there is a misinterpretation of boundaries and intentions between her and some close friends, which is surely the issue here. It could be an issue of boundaries over intimacy and romance, not sex.

As for sexual orientation, obviously we are expected to acknowledge people's romantic relationships because it is part of people's wider social interactions. I don't think the sexual element, rope bondage, for example, is something we are expected to acknowledge. Talking about sex is for many people sexual (otherwise we wouldn't have sex phone lines) and I don't think we are expected to show and interest in other people's sexual activities, but neither should people make assumptions that everyone has the same sexual interests as them, or expect their sexual interests to be the reflected back to them by wider society just because they consider themselves the most 'normal.'

catgirl1976 · 17/02/2012 19:36

If Dr House saw you wearing such a ring he would do just that.

And then you would have sex.

But that's Dr House for you :)

I think I would have sex with Dr House

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