To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

[Mindymum]

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

Trois there could be allsorts of reasons she doesn't speak to her mum. I don't speak to mine because my mum chose to buy her boyfriend drugs rather than clothe/feed her 3 kids then as soon as child benefit stopped she wanted rid of us! Just because someone can't/chooses not to maintain a relationship with their parents doesn't mean they have issues with other relationships.

Trois that was a load of bollocks.

This may well be a wind up but im sure there are other women who do act and feel exactly like this.
My own mil will be giving up her good teaching job to provide free childcare for her dd and her well paid husband whilst me and dh hardly see each other so we can do our childcare around each others shifts dil .
Not too bothered though cos it means i dont have to try too hard to be a perfect

I have a MIL like this. In the last 12 months she has seen my DCs for no more than 30 mins in total, we live 2 miles away, a drive that she has described as too far, even though she is capable and willing to drive over 200 miles to visit other family.

Her 3 other DGCs she sees everyday. We did visit her regularly but my children had nothing but negative comments aimed at them, at my SIL wedding she managed a hello then spent the rest of the day ignoring them and playing with the other children. There are no photos of my DCs displayed in her home and yet photos of her other DGCs are pinned to walls, displayed on the mantelpiece and plastered all over her laptop.

My DH has now finally had enough and no longer wants anything to do with her, the final straw came in the last couple of weeks, he was attacked, (CID described it as one of the worse attacks they have seen) my MIL hasn't phoned or visited to check how her son is doing.

You want to see more of your DC. So make arrangements to go and see them, take them to the cinema or the park. You aren't being stopped from seeing them at all so I don't really see what the problem is other than it is of your own making.

I think OP is probably my MIL, with a few details changed.

The thing is OP, the GC who you seem to care so little about, will see you very quickly - they may have already done so - and the lack of relationship will be your fault, and your loss.

You are cutting off your nose to spite your face I think.

oops - see through you

There certainly are ^ledkr*. My DSis has a mother in law very similar to this.

Her poor daughter is a vulnerable victim who needs more help and support than other less spoilt, less self-absorbed, less attention seeking, less infantalized, less useless and lazy women with children. The trouble is, she is the only one who can see her poor DD for the delicate creature she is. Everyone else just sees a manipulative grabby cow with a massive sense of entitlement, who goes through her parents' time and money like water.

'The thing is OP, the GC who you seem to care so little about, will see you very quickly - they may have already done so - and the lack of relationship will be your fault, and your loss.'

Yes, exactly. This is how it is with my sister's MIL and my sister's children.

Someone told me once there is a theory that a mother naturally favours a daughter's children because she knows on a fundamental level that they are definitely genetically related to her. On the male side there is always the possibility that her son's children could really be another man's and so subconsciously that makes them more distant.

I've always hoped that is bollocks, but reading this thread...

Excellent post blowing

I have a brilliant MIL who tries to treat all 5 of her children equally ( unfortunately annoying oldest SIL usually gets the most help since she's the most selfish).

YABU

Hear, hear Hilly, my kids already know how unimportant they are, when dd's special child gets all the attention and childcare.

Saying that when MIL was alive, she never said no to night time babysitting, when I needed a much wanted night out with DH.

Just unlurking to say EXmrsmas, I hope your DH recovers quickly

OP, YABU.

Nuff said.

and further to the point about the GC seeing through you... my DDs know exactly what is going on and they ask me about it. It's very hard to explain why GPs spend so much more time/interest/money on the cousins and very little on our 2. It's also very hard on DH, who does not like to discuss it because he is still (strangely IMO) loyal to his parents, or at least his idea of parents.

I have now reached the point where I just say that I dont really understand it, but that it is the GPs loss and not the DDs; and that they have my Mum who is a brillliant GM - funnily enough she has 6 GC and has managed to treat them all equally while PIL have 4 GC and dont manage to do the same.

Thanks CaveMum he will, its just going to take a lot of love and care.

God this thread has really hit a raw nerve with me. Bollocks to all you shitty grandparents out their!!!

I don't want or need your favours but stop waving your favouritism in my kids faces.

No, sorry, it is you who is being unreasonable.

ALL your grandchildren should be equal. Equally loved, equally treated. They are all the children of your children. Who should also be equally loved and equally treated.

I don't blame your dil for being pissed off. She no doubt feels you don't love her children as much as your other grandchildren.

You don't want to bother with your grandchildren that are not the children of your daughter, because you feel their other grandma should have a relationship with them? That's vile. It really is.

Don't you love them equally? They are all your grandchildren

I think you should give as much time to each group of GC but I don't find it weird that you are closer to your DD than DIL. Wives/partners should replace mothers as top focus for DSs so I think it's natural for mothers to 'let them go' a bit more than DDs. However saying that I don't think it should actually manifest how you've described.

Unfairly or not I phone my mum regularly for chats and I'd never do that with MIL (unless something important, like letting her know about some health issue), although I do give her all the children anecdotes when she calls. Also I have a good relationship with my MIL and if she was round the corner I would include her in children activities as much as my mother, and she would certainly be as eager to join with us as with her DD.

OP - this isn't about your dil. It's about your GC.

If you don't feel comfortable on her turf, why not offer to take a couple of the bigs out every week e.g. To ballet class, or football training, or just to the park.

seeing as you're lucky to all live so close, you could even take a couple of DC from each family - fostering the cousin bond, giving your DIL a break and giving your DD a chance to practice independence while in charge of fewer children.