To think my daughter in law has very unrealistic views.

[Mindymum]

I had a bit of an arguement with my dil, this evening. She lives around the corner from my own daughter and I live about 10 mins up the road.
I visit my daughter most days as she has a small baby and older dc, my dil also has a baby and other children.

I haven't actually seen my grandchildren from my son and dil since the very beginning of January when they last came round to me. My dil feels that I don't bother with her dc. I don't really take them out or anything because I feel it's something she should do with her own mother. She has a bad relationship with her own mum and I don't see why I should have to take the place of her mum when I have my own daughter to think about.

My own daughter is much needier and doesn't have a great deal of friends where as my dil does seem to have some good friends. I do baby sit for my son and dil but the dc are usually in bed when I get there. I've been trying to explain to my dil that the relationship between me and my daughter is different to the one with my son and although I love them both very much it's natural to do more with my daughter's dc then theirs.

What I don't get is that the last time I was on MN practically 3/4 of a thread got deleted for 'personal insults' - along the lines of mad, bitch, cow etc (I think, I missed a lot of them with a bristling MNHQer hovering over them). HOw come very personal insults are still standing on this one?

While I';m here then: OP you've got it fundamentally wrong. Whether or not your ds's kids are a handful and your dd's kids are 'quiet', you need to treat your kids the same. You may naturally get on with your daughter in a way you don't get on with your dil, but that's just tough really: you treat your kids the same (therefore their kids).

I can only guess at some of the between the lines stuff but whether you get on with your dil or not, agree with her parenting or not - in fact, any excuse - you treat your kids and their kids the same. I think you must have got that by now from all the posts - though it's hard to think straight when people are hurling insults at you.

I wouldn't worry about your GC trying to talk to you and ask you questions. if they are anything like my Dcs, they will soon get the message that they are very much second best when compared to their cousins and they will stop bothering. My MIL was like you, in that my DCs were considered an inconvenience pretty much since the day DH and I told her I was pregnant. By the time Dc1 was about 5, trust me, they both knew what their GM thought of them. And now they are adults, they choose not to bother with her. As far as they are concerned, she spent the first 18 years of their lives, not being interested in them, never taking them out, not even for a walk round the block and basically doing whatever she could to avoid them. Now they avoid her. And since they are adults, neither myself nor DH feel able or inclined, to force them to see her. Ironically, my DCs do have a fantastic relationship with my mum, but that is purely because she worked hard to cultivate a good relationship with them as children and that has continued into adulthood. I would even say that DC1, now at university, contacts my mum more than they do me!

What a shame that you are building barriers that will ensure you willl never have a close relationship with your GCs. It would break my heart when/if I become a grandmother, to know that I had driven my DGC away from me.

Sorry to say, you sound thoroughly uncaring and nasty. Maybe your Gc are better off without you.

I think she could possibly be real and be my ex MiL

She had same thought processes. Her DD was a 'princess' who should be cared for, forgiven (no matter what and frequently 'what' was pretty bad!!!). DD could not possibly work and look after DC and grandma had to attend and help and ease things with money....

Whereas I the DiL, was 'capable' and 'so lucky' to be so capable. I was 'lucky' to have a good job. I was lucky to be able to cope on my own.

She had a poor relationship with her DS because of her unequal treatment of DD and him. It was always his fault however....

I was expected to skivvy, run after DiL, run errands and act as hostess for family occasions whilst being ignored, dismissed and criticised. Because I am a fool was naive I sought approval and did all these things!!!!

Until I snapped and stopped doing so.

She never really 'got' it and always seemed genuinely bewildered that her behaviour to us was not rewarded with subservient gratitude for the little offerings we were awarded.

Narcisstic, sociopath? Something wasn't right

I don't understand how you could possibly think that you aren't being unreasonable. Totally unacceptable behaviour. Poor grandchildren. I hope they realise sooner rather than later that you aren't worth bothering about, children are smart, they will know that you prefer their cousins.

Right, so you are saying that you prefer one set of grandchildren over the other and that instead of encouraging your needy daughter to make an attempt at being independent, and using that time to take some of your other grandchildren off your DIL's hands for a while, you'd actually rather continue to foster your DD's dependency on you? Riiiiight.

I would not like to be your DIL. Or your son for that matter.

Not read all of thread so orry if this has been said but this thread sounds familiar wasnt there one the other month same as this but as if the DIL was writing it?!

This cannot be true. Surely no one can be so horrible to their grandchildren and try to justify it.

But if it is... I hope you see the damage you are doing to your grandchildren.

Your post sounds like you prefer your daughter to son. I don't speak to my mum or mil but if mil was better than she was there's no reason she couldn't pop round whenever she wanted. I have boys and when they have kids I hope I'll be able to have a close relationship with dil/gc's as I would hate to feel she only wanted to do things with her mum. YABVU!

I'd query why the SIL has a bad relationship with her own mother TBH and is now hell bent on causing family divide between the MIL nd her son.

Sounds like a history of relationship problems for the SIL.

Your son's children are in your face when you see them because they are trying to get your attention.

Perhaps your daughter wouldn't be so "needy" if you let her find her own way. What did your sons-in-law think of you?

This has to be a joke. If not, YABU.

If this isn't a joke, you are a very miserable individual and should be ashamed of yourself. I hope reading all this is showing you how ridiculous you are being.

But by all means carry on. Pretty soon your son and DIL will get sick of your appalling attitude and stop having anything to do with you.

you have an astonishing lack of empathy.

Trois what in earth are you on about? Idiotic post from you.

Thank you running READ the OP..... She has a bad relationship with her own mum - any sane person would ask why that is - then wonder why the DIL is hell bent on stirring up trouble with her MIL. The fact she is jealous of the relationship the MIL has with her own daughter is reflective on the DILs own relationship with her mother.

Then the devisive splitting mother and son will come. Because any man worth his salt will choose his wife over his mother (harsh, but true)... now the DIL cant maintain relationships, she will seek to isolate her DP away from his mother on the grounds of sibling rivalry. "your mum prefers your sister/prefers those GC over our children" drip drip drip - and I hope this is a reverse AIBU because I would have reservations about the SIL TBH.

Mind you, I wouldn't hook up with anyone who couldnt manage to maintain a reltionship with their own parents - too much baggage.