To Think Living Abroad is Rarely as Good as People Think it Will Be?

[lesley33]

I lived in Switzerland with young DCs. But the country you visit as a tourist and the country you actually LIVE in, are ime often quite different. We came back after 2 years. And I have spoken to many other people who have "discovered" things about living in a particular country that as tourists they were blind to.

For example, a friend returned from France after hating working there as she found the hierarchial, formal, non team working environment very difficult.

Visiting a country can be great and you can love many things about a country - the scenery, being family orientated, etc. But you don't often get to understand the negatives of a country. I have lost track of the amount of people I know or meet who say - i would love to live in x country - without any understanding of the realities. For example - no you wouldn't as x country is well known for having very negative attitudes towards people with SN like your DC.

So AIBU in getting frustrated at this. I know secretly I probably am as I was one of those people.

I've lived abroad twice - France and Belgium. I hated the place I had to live in in France (although I generally love the country). But I learned a lot about the culture and "grew" a lot while I was there (I went when I was around 20). In Belgium I had a fantastic time after the first few days of flathunting and bureaucracy hell.

But living abroad is not like being on holiday in the country. Of course it is not. I have seen the odd episode of that Down Under programme and a lot of people cite spending more time with their families as a reason for going. how do they think that is going to work then? They won't have to work there? Or they can get a job with shorter hours that doesn't exist in the UK? I do think some people look at living abroad completely unrealistically.

YANBU. But on the same note, returning to your home country after a few years away, is rarely good as you anticipate imo.

Well I'm American and would be very happy to never live in the US again actually... yes of course nowhere is perfect but having lived in the UK and France for a while now, visited friends all over Europe, I think generally Europeans have a much better quality of life.

I was pretty realistic when I came over here though -- I never expected it to be like being on holiday.

YANBU, I lived in the UK for a few years and I was very happy there, some things are "better" than in my country, some things are "worse".
I now live in the South of Spain, and the amount of people who think that they can move here and find an walk into a job that will pay the bills without even knowing a word of Spanish is staggering..

Agree with wannabe that nowhere has it all and there will always be compromises when living abroad. We have just returned from Canada after nearly 5 years there and I am very happy to be back in the UK.

However despite this I have been noticing some things about the UK since I've been back that compare unfavourably with Canada like how much people complain here not in a productive way, I do miss the 'can do' attitude. Everywhere has its good and bad points but for me there really is no place like home.

I am British and have lived in the US for just over 6 years.

We come home the week after next...I am so glad.

Fo me, a family that cares weighs more than a larger home/car and material things!

YANBU, life is still life with its ups and downs, wherever you live it, and more to the point, you are still you (including the bits you don't like), regardless of where you are. The way people talk about moving to Australia sometimes makes me wonder if Qantas include complete personality transplants in the price of their fares.

D

No country is perfect, but there are some big picture things like teh South Africa post above makes clear.....IMO if the UK goes on taxing its citizens to pay for its bankers I think a sensible thing would be to advise ones kids to find countries not doing this.

I know some people are totally unrealistic. But I also think there are things that you are unlikely to find out without lots of research and that can come as a shock to you or that you don't like.

For example I didn't know that in German part of Switzerland most mothers seem to spend lots of time making really complex craft things with young kids. Nobody talks about this - I just realised it from talking to other mums and my DCs starting to moan how I didn't spend lots of time doing this with them. Or that apartments had shared washing machines in a communal area and that I would have a 2 hour slot once a week which was the only time I could wash and dry clothes by machine. Or that people took their own light fittiungs out when they moved out of their rented apartment. Or that paid childcare standards would be so so low.

i know these are all small things, but they can all add up.

I think if you go somewhere you consider good - then its bound to be pretty good! For me personally I would find it hard to live somewhere where there was a lot of poverty, big insects or a lot of violent crime. We nearly got sent to China last year and although I was being gung-ho about it to support DH, I'm very glad we didn't have to go in the end. I'm on my second non-UK country and so I think I have a good balance on whats worse / whats better about living abroad. Shit tea and no Bisto is usually my complaint :)

I get irritated by my family still being all 'wow' about me living abroad - you are still dealing with the same old shit, albeit with better weather (but no Bisto and shit tea). Its no ticket to an easy life or happiness thats for sure. So YANBU.

England's "system" of applying to get children into school is the most frustrating annoying system ever. From the eyes of a VERY frustrated foreigner.

idio - I think a LOT of parents in the UK would agree with you. We didn't used to have this system - is only about 10 years old?

I think it depends what your expectations are. I moved away from the UK straight after I graduated 10 years ago. I've lived in three countries since (empirestateofmind, one is Singapore and I agree it's a fabulous place and we do try to get back once a year!) and they all have their pros and cons. If you move abroad expecting to find some sort of paradise where all of your problems/worries will be washed away, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

I think that in the end it's a very personal matter and different countries will suit different people. I live in Germany and although I miss a lot about the UK (being close to family, friendly people in shops, Marks and Spencer!), I can't see myself moving back. The career prospects for me are much, much better here, meaning that DH and I have a standard of life we could never have in the UK and I love being located in central Europe with fast access to so many different countries. Personal safety levels are good here and I love all of the wine/beer/music festivals in the summertime. And of course, most of my friends are here now, while those left in the UK are scattered all over the country, so moving "back home" would never be the same as it once was anyway.

Sorry to go off at a tangent but does anyone else think that thread titles with capital letters look like song titles?

I lived in Egypt. Open ffing Insane Asylum! Oh the stories I could tell you, but you'd not believe me...

Sure, great holiday, but for the love of GOD it is the very worst HELL on earth.

I will never, ever and i mean EVER set foot in that place again. Hopefully I will learn to stop hurling stuff and abuse at tellys or radios advertising the place.

Living in Holiday destinations is never what it's cracked up to be, but I did have the archetypal abusive H to contend with too. thing is, out there, most of em are.

I lived abroad for well over a decade and loved it. I think the point about unrealistic expectations is a good one. But also, of you're not 20 something out takes a few years just to put down some roots somewhere new, make god local friends and sort the wheat from the chaff. I think a lot of people underestimate the stress of simply moving anywhere, even within their home country, where they don't know anyone. The temptation when you move abroad is to fall in with your local expat community and I think that can make settling and appreciating the good in a country harder (not assuming this is you OP, just saying it's a common problem).

Sorry for typos - blame autocorrect and mobile browsing

Tell us more, Houdini?

It always amazes me on Wanted Down Under how naive people were. You just know that nine times out of ten they are going to say they want a dream house, near the beach, swimming pool, hot weather, loads of leisure time etc etc. They are often shocked to see it isn't just like a lifelong holiday! Many have no knowledge of where they claim they want to move halfway round the world to, and many base this huge decision on things like if they can get a pool or not. You get the odd couple who are not like that but most of them are.

The U.K. is my "living abroad" experience (am from the US, originally). I'm enjoying it simply because I did not arrive with lofty expectations. The initial period of settling in was rough and I had days where I wanted to hop on the first plane out of here (usually after reading one too many DailyMail articles or stepping into yet another pile of sick outside a High Street pub on a Sunday morning) but it's otherwise an interesting experience.

America isn't necessarily as polarized as last night's Panorama doc would like you to think, btw. We don't all either live in massive mansions or homeless shelters and tents. There's a lot of "in between" you never hear about---and that "in between" is what is really home to me.

LeBOF... I was reminded of one today...

We went for a rare dinner out with H's 'friends' I wasn't keen, cos something ALWAYS went totally bonkers awry whenever I left the house (not joking)

So we went. To a Fish Restaurant. One of the couples were there already, sat on a table outside. I pulled out a chair to sit on. Cat sat on it.

Slid cat off chair. Cat was clearly incontinent.

So we go inside. They order, no-one talks to me, they can speak english, but they won't. I've married one of 'their men'...

The men ALL smoke at the table whenever they want to, during courses. I'm sat with DS by the window to try not to be smoked out too much.

I'm half way though my main course, helping DS etc and being generally ignored. I hear a Hacking, and a cigarette lighter, but don't turn to look. It's one of the party, a man who got married that day to a woman he'd met the day before, years younger and poor as poor can be. he is FOUL, greasy smelly and unkempt. The hacking i heard was him clearing the shit from his lungs before the cigarette and spitting it into the napkin. At. The. Table.

I dubbed him Mr Disgusting from that moment on. The marriage lasted about 3 days. some 4 days LESS than his previous one. She left him after he spat up his lungs into the sheet while he was, erm, enjoying his conjugal rights... Took her 3 hours to wash the smell of him off her.

Everytime I went out with DS, I'd be watched, followed, photographed by men.

Foul looks from women, comments to H from women in tourist ticket offices 'Who's going to marry us when men like you marry women like HER...'

Every single person that came anywhere near me tried to get me into serious trouble with H. I didn't need anyone else to help him kick off, it was TERRIFYING .

I wasn't able to get out for months at a time. stuck in a flat with a 6mo for up to 10 weeks at a time. Had women calling H all hours day and night, being nice to me in front of H, but the minute H was nowhere near they'd be rude and insulting and then deny it all.

Literally everyone that came near us tried to take/steal/damage me/my family/life.

Whenever I met anyone new, it was just a matter of time, and me waiting for them to try something on. I had friends sexually harassed (97% of all foreign women in egypt suffer from sexual harassment)

I came home with Agoraphobia, unsurprisingly! I'm better now, but it's taken time and buckets of rescue remedy to sort it!

I lived in France and it was wonderful. But that may have been because I was following the man I adored, I had no DC and didn't inbtend to get a proper job. I also knew it was not forever.

I absolutely wouldn't live there now but at the time...it was fabulous.

I also did a stint in Chicago which was great for other reasons. But again I knew it wasn't forever. I would however go there again I think.

I don't think anyone could top that, HoudiniHissy! Think I'll give Egypt a miss, then.

I think that if you live abroad for an extended period you tend to romanticise your homeland, and then become disappointed/frustrated when you return home. Or you tend to have a foot in both camps and feel that neither is quite right.