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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt. Sad

OP posts:
olgaga · 14/02/2012 19:29

Congratulations and very well done on your PhD.

I really don't think your DD, at her age, has enough experience to understand how important this is to you. You, on the other hand, are surely able to contain your disappointment and think of it as your big day, and enjoy it anyway with your OH. I don't see how you can raise it with her again without making it into an issue.

You say you don't want her to miss the music festival - but you would like her to curtail her enjoyment by coming home early or leaving early the morning after. I doubt she'll be the life and soul of the party in those circumstances anyway.

I'd arrange a nice celebration dinner the following weekend, for the three of you - or a celebration party, with all your friends.

Have a great day and get lots of photos/videos to show her.

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 19:31

I do know what a PhD entails and I'm frankly surprised that anyone would consider it the most important thing in their life other than giving birth. I mean, really? More important than your husband, your family, your friends?

My PhD has been incredibly difficult and challenging and yet it's still not even the toughest job I've ever had. And it's not half as tough as many jobs out there that people do every day with no recognition.

I'm sorry to be harsh but honestly I think you might be less upset if you had a bit more perspective on things.

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2012 19:34

I'm with you, OP. It's been just you and your daughter for a very long time. She's seen you working really hard and I'm sure you've been a fantastic example to her.

And now you've achieved something you probably never dreamed you'd achieve - the highest qualification in the country - and your daughter isn't willing to shift herself to attend.

I, too, would be hurt. There are 70+ festivals in the UK every year. You will only have one PhD ceremony.

If you ask her and she agrees, it won't be the same. It's a shame your ex is such a twat and doesn't appreciate your hard work. Lovely for him having the fun side of life with your daughter, eh? I'm sure he was a great help with her homework, washing, ironing, cooking, taking care of her in the evenings, etc. He would have been the ideal person to tell your daughter how important it is for her to attend. What about your partner? Would he speak to her?

The problem is that if someone else speaks to her, it won't be the same as if she came to you and said that of course she would be there.

It's so bloody hard having children at times.

Congratulations, anyway - what's your expertise? What will you do once you've graduated?

olgaga · 14/02/2012 19:36

So maybe although you can be disappointed, you can feel that at least you have genuinely let her be free to have her own life.

Very wise words, margoandjerry. I'd say that was quite uncommon for children of single parents - at least going by my own experience, although it was a different situation, much later in life.

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2012 19:43

What's uncommon, olgaga? I don't think we parent differently because we're single, do you?

Original poster
MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 19:47

I don't think it's wise here to generalise about the parenting skills of single mothers.
And thank you imperialblether my PhD is in political science. I'm currently working in Holyrood for the SNP but have been offered a teaching associate job at my Uni starting in September that I plan to take up Smile

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 14/02/2012 19:51

Well done on your PhD MissSayuri, YANBU, but don't be too hard on your dd... one day she'll really understand you hurt, when you decline her invite to her graduation. (Don't miss it though, just decline the invite and go anyway, sneak in at the back, and surprise her at the end when she's spent all morning wishing you were there). Smile

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/02/2012 19:55

well done on the Phd

I wonder though given how many people have said that its such hard work and that the OP has several other degrees, just how much the daughter has already had to compromise on. (no dig intended, I know how much hard work goes into these things).

and as for those saying that the daughter should be made to suffer guilt pangs at the festival.

really? you need to get over yourselves.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 19:59

My daughter hasn't compromised on anything. If anything I've been more available during my studies than I was when I worked 40 hours a week in a job I hated. We have a good relationship and I have no intention of making her feel guilty. I don't think I've alluded to that whatsoever.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 14/02/2012 20:00

you didn't say anything about making her feel guilty others did.

Original poster
MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 20:07

Ah sorry, misread!

OP posts:
rhondajean · 14/02/2012 20:15

Miss I'm sorry, I know how much work it's been and I think you are to be nothing but praised for it, and I think your daughter is terribly selfish.

You should be very very proud of yourself and one day she will realise how badly she has let you down.

As for all those saying she's lost out because of your studying - each and every one of you should be ashamed unless you can look into your heart and genuinely say

1 that you would react the same if it was the dad with the phd
2 you have never done anything for yourself over your children

landrover · 14/02/2012 20:24

SHE CAN STILL GO TO FESTIVAL!!!!!! why cant anyone see? and still watch her mum graduating!!!!

Everybody can be happy, its not the end of the world missing the final night or she could get up early on the Monday!!!!

Original poster
MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 20:31

Ha landrover I too am getting a bit frustrated at the 'let her go to the festival' brigade. That's not up for debate, never was. I'm going to leave this thread for a bit as I'm now starting to think my 8 years of academia aren't worth shit...(I jest, before I get flamed for that!). Thanks again for the input everyone.

OP posts:
Flatbread · 14/02/2012 20:40

I don't understand people who say she should not feel guilt. Are you for real? I would be worried if someone didn't feel guilt when they were disappointing a person near to them. Heavens, I feel guilt when I have to take a sick day off, because others have to do more to cover.

Guilt is part of having a moral compass, it tells us when we need to change direction and do something differently. Only unreflective people and sociopaths feel no guilt.

There is a difference between emotional blackmail and letting people know matter of fact that you expect certain behaviour from them. Everyone has to get used to that, it is part of being a responsible adult in society and in the workplace.

Good grief, talk about mollycoddling. How mean that a 17 year old is expected to be considerate to her family. I thank my parents for having higher expectations from me. I think we are both better off for that, and because my patents accepted no less than respect and consideration from me, I have always shown it to them.

People will deliver to what is expected of them. If you ask for very little, that is what you will get.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2012 20:54

You can pretty much coerce/force/plead/persuade your family to bend to your will. Why anybody would want to have somebody attend under those circumstances is beyond me.

OP didn't say that the daughter couldn't go to the festival but that it would be cut short by a day. I can understand why the daughter doesn't want that - she wants to attend for the festival event, the whole of it. It's not a compromise if the event is cut short.

OkayGrrl · 14/02/2012 20:57

Can't you do something special to celebrate after the weekend instead? Just because she doesn't want to go to a graduation ceremony doesn't mean she's not proud of you.

KittyFane · 14/02/2012 21:03

I'm going to leave this thread for a bit as I'm now starting to think my 8 years of academia aren't worth shit..
You jest but in reality the 8 years are worth more to you than anyone else.
YANBU to feel disappointed but YABU to plan to talk to her about it again.
You say up thread you 'will sit down with her through the week'
Why?
You have already said you 'have no intention of making her feel guilty'

She has told you what she wants to do (stay at the festival) and what she doesn't (get picked up early).

sozzledchops · 14/02/2012 21:33

Yanbu to be disappointed but do you really want her to miss something special to her to make you happy, you could flip it round andsay that you are being just as selfish as her. And I wonder if being a single parent with an only child does have something to do with it, rather than if there had been more people in the background to diffuse it.

I also think that studying the way you have might have impacted her more than you realise. My SIL went back and did a tough degree when her two children were going through their school exams and applying to Uni, I don't blame her and it's great what she achieved but I wonder if it was at a price to the rest of the family.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 14/02/2012 21:47

She can't go to the festival and be in a fit state to attend a graduation. By Monday she will have had about 6 hours sleep spread over 3 days and will not have washed properly since Thursday.

Honestly on Monday she will be in no condition to do anything.

BratinghamPalace · 14/02/2012 22:28

OP - of course you are hurt. YANBU at all. I would be very hurt. And I can see why the gloss has gone a bit.

landrover · 14/02/2012 22:48

Im sorry Im still gobsmacked at anyone thinking that this poor young girl will suffer for missing the last night of a music festival!!!!
Do we really treat young people like this now? Mollycoddled into thinking they are the most important creatures of the universe? Its just a festival! Its not important in the scheme of things! I am appalled that anyone thinks otherwise! The OP is attending a one off important event that her daughter should attend! I am truly gobsmacked!!!

landrover · 14/02/2012 22:50

And she not even going to miss any music if she leaves Sunday night? Amazing people are sympathetic towards the daughter, I despair at how we are treating the younger generation, that they are SOOOO important!!

sozzledchops · 14/02/2012 22:55

Would you really be happy knowing your daughter would rather be somewhere else (which was pre arranged) having a ball but curtailed it just to keep you happy? How could that real make you happy? At her age I'm sure her festival is a big deal.

olgaga · 14/02/2012 23:18

Imperial I am not having a dig at single parents. I find it strange that anyone would think I was, given that both my DM and my DMIL were both single parents for almost half their lives. Many people become single parents through death as well as separation.

The parenting isn't necessarily different, but in my experience it's not uncommon for the children of single parents to feel a responsibility towards their single parent which other people, who have both parents still together, can't really relate to.

That's why I felt that margoandjerry's praiseworthy comment to the OP was so appropriate.

The point is, OP, you did the PhD for yourself and I'm sure your daughter is very proud of your achievement. The graduation ceremony is for you. She is 17, the festival was in the diary first, and apart from the fact that she wants to go, perhaps she also feels it's important not to change the commitment she has made with her dad. Especially as he has made it clear to her that he feels your studies are a waste of time. What a horrible position she has been placed in.

I don't really understand why it's so important to you that she is there anyway. A celebration the following weekend will be much nicer. That way she will be rested and (hopefully) not hungover, and you can all really enjoy it.