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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt.

OP posts:

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 16:45

titchy* that was a bit of a side thread in response to the poster who said she wouldn't get involved in 'boring' things for her parents, only her children.

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 16:46

I can see why the daughter doesnt she would rather be elsewhere and TBH i wouldnt want a grouchy put upon 17 yr old at my graduation if she was going to have a face on her , all i am trying to say is sometimes we do things for familiy and teaching teenagers that they cant get their own way all the time is important , the thing is the Daughter should want to be there for her mum but would rather be somewhere she enjoys , 17 isnt a little girl , and i have this struggle with my teens a lot of the time , there has to be a time when they learn to put their selfisness behind them , they have to learn that it isnt all about them ,

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 16:47

want to go*

Chateauneuf · 14/02/2012 16:48

Whoever said that the OP doesn't need to explain why this is so important to her is wrong, imo. Explaining why it is so important might help her get it straight in her own head as well as help other people - including her daughter - understand the strength of her feelings.

I think it is unfair to make this some sort of "test of love" for her daughter. If in actual fact it hasn't been explained to the daughter that this is so extremely important - more than a wedding! - to her mother. You can't say "never mind" and be upset if it is taken at face value. There is something of the martyr in this "never mind" and then feeling "really let down".

I don't think it is emotionally manipulative if the OP has a conversation which explains why the event is so important to her, and then give the daughter time to think about what she wants to do. There's a difference between emotional manipulation and being honest about your feelings. If after the conversation the daughter decides she still wants to go to her festival then you say something like "okay, I respect your choice, obviously I'd prefer you were with me at my ceremony but I recognise you can't be in two places at the same time." You don't have to make it into a guilt trip.

As someone else said, there's no middle ground, you're asking the daughter to be selfless in giving up her own fun for her mum - or you're asking the mum to be selfless in putting a brave face on it. I sympathise, I do.

BalloonSlayer · 14/02/2012 16:48

YANBU to be sad, OP, but there's not much you can do.

I wonder how she'd feel, when she graduates, if you don't come because there might be a really good party going on somewhere? But of course you would never not come to HER graduation if she wanted you there, would you?

Difference between being a parent and a child I guess.

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 16:49

I wasn't that interested in my PhD ceremony or my wedding. But really did care about my housewarming. Would have been very hurt if close family didn't want to celebrate my 'first home' with me.

I don't there is an objective answer to what is an important event. If the graduation ceremony matters to OP so much, then it should be important for her close family.

JustAnotherSod · 14/02/2012 16:51

But you said 'never mind' - unless your dd is a mind reader how is she supposed to know how you feel and to say, in those circumstances, that she 'let you down' is melodramatic and selfish on your part. Tell her how important it is and then judge how she reacts otherwise you are not being fair so YABU.

TheSmallClanger · 14/02/2012 16:52

She probably is really proud of you. She doesn't need the affirmation of a tedious ceremony with embarrassing dressing-up for that.
Sorry to sound harsh, but degree ceremonies are dull and they go on for ages. They are a massive anticlimax.

Was she there for after you went through your viva? That was the big thing during the endgame of my MPhil, and I was really grateful to have people around me to celebrate then.

ithaka · 14/02/2012 16:59

I don't think a PhD is more important than a wedding. A Phd is just a bit of paper (albeit one you worked hard for and are right to be proud of). It isn't necessarily lifechanging - I know plenty of people with PhDs who do ordinary jobs at the same kind of level I do.

A wedding is lifechanging - you are inviting someone else into your family and it will never be the same again, no matter what happens. Plus - a wedding is all about your marriage. At a graduation, you are just a name along with many others.

I get you are proud of your PhD, but I think you need to get a bit of perspective. For most people, it is not such a big deal and a wee celebration party will be lovely and more fun for family and supporters than a turgid ceremony when you are on the stage for a nano second.

PoohBearsHole · 14/02/2012 17:03

titchy no I know its not comparable to a graduation - its a celebration and as flatbread said - it was more of a side comment. After all my mums food poisoning could just have been that and I would have had to sit through the boring medical stuff for her to be told to go home and take some form of anti nausea tablet but it just so happened that regardless of what else I could have been doing with my own dc, my mum wanted me there. So I was there.

Its more about sacrificing for your parents as they have sacrificed for you. Especially if the situation is that the op doesn't have her own parents around to come to the ceremony (although obviously I have no idea whether they are or not ). I think its more to do with not letting teenagers in general think the world revolves around them. Although at 17 I did think the world evolved around me oh to be 17 again

CornflowerB · 14/02/2012 17:05

My mother went to university when I was a teenager and I also have a PhD! YABU - there is no way a girl of 16/17 can understand the significance of getting a PhD and you shouldn't expect her to at this stage of her life. So long as you have other people to celebrate with I don't think it should matter this much to you; if there was no-one else to celebrate with, or to go with you it would be different and I'm sure your daughter would view it differently too. It is ridiculous of anyone to suggest that the tables should be turned - 'how would you like if I didn't go to your 18th?', or whatever. We are the grown ups - they are our children, really the responsibility goes in one direction only when you are talking about a child of 16. Re my mum's graduation - I can't actually remember whether I was there or not , so I don't understand the 'being proud of my mum' bit either. I do now admire her for going back to university when she was a parent, but there is no way I could have understood that at 16.
I went to my PhD ceremony because I wanted to mark the acheivement and my parents came and were and still are very proud because that is the natural order. I am so proud of my DDs' achievements, but just don't expect or need that to be reciprocated. Not that I am doing anything like getting PhDs these days!

Lueji · 14/02/2012 17:09

Actually, not sure why we are all discussing this.

If the OP feels it is that important to her, she should be telling this to her daughter.
Not making her feel guilty, but explaining why she wants her there although she won't be angry if she isn't.

Unless you have already had your viva, I'd worry more about that atm and not graduation day, TBH.

OneLastSoul · 14/02/2012 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

flyingspaghettimonster · 14/02/2012 17:37

I think yababitu ... I sat through dh's graduation ceremony and God it was tedious and long. We both agreed we'd skip the PhD one... have a meal out with friends to celebrate and something separate with the family.

Can you not celebrate with her in the evening instead?

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 18:21

Thank you all for the responses, albeit how harsh some of them were!
I'll sit down with dd through the week, she has exams until friday and I don't want to stress her out. re the whole PhD/marriage thing, that's just a matter of opinion and lifestyle. I didn't want it to turn into the point of the thread.

OP posts:

complexnumber · 14/02/2012 18:32

Are you sure the gradation dates have only just been released? I checked online at my old university and where I used to work, graduation dates have been announced up to 2016 already. Not every university will be like that but graduation will have to be announced in the academic year otherwise staff can't book holidays. Anyway, that's not really the point apart from you snooze you loose if you want to book a teenager.

If it was me I would take my daughter for a celebration, just the two of you, on the day of your viva and tell her how much you appreciate her support and you want to celebrate the long, long journey she's been on with you.

mockingjay · 14/02/2012 18:33

YANBU MissSayuri! I graduated last year with my PhD and would've been hurt if my most important people couldn't be bothered to come to my graduation. Sure the ceremony is a bit boring, but the procession is fun, and it's nice to see someone you care about get a PhD!

Tables are turned this year, it is DH graduating with his. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

margoandjerry · 14/02/2012 18:47

only read the thread but OP, I don't think you''ve been rude or smug or anything. It's a shame your daughter is not quite mature enough to put your natural wish to have her there on this day in front of her wish to have fun on just one occasion. I see that that is disappointing.

TBH, it would be boring for her (I didn't got to my own for many reasons including boredom factor) but that is not the point. The point is we like our nearest and dearest to be there at these moments in life, to bear witness. She doesn't get that. Some 17 year olds would and would put themselves out to be there. I would have done that for my mum but it sounds as though you have given your 17 year old lots of freedom and not made her responsible for your happiness - entirely the right thing to do. So maybe although you can be disappointed, you can feel that at least you have genuinely let her be free to have her own life. I think this can be an issue in single parent families (not sure if you were one at some point?). I was brought up in one and was not free to be an annoying teenager because I was being a good daughter to my mum so our family edifice didn't fall apart. I am now a single parent myself and have to watch that I don't expect too much of my children but let them be a bit rubbish sometimes because they are not little adults.

margoandjerry · 14/02/2012 18:48

sorry, only read half the thread...

landrover · 14/02/2012 18:59

Im sorry, have I understood this thread at all? Op s daughter can go to the festival and also mums graduation! Daughter is choosing to stay longer when she doesnt need to!!! Mum wants her there and daughter is not a baby she is an adult who she support her mother!!!!

I cant believe these people are saying ahhh shes just a kid that wants to have fun and go to a festival!!!! Her mother should be respected!

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 19:03

Thank you margoandjerry and well done on you and your OH's achievements. I wonder if I'd feel differently if I had more kids or a partner who had been there from the start (I met my OH in the middle of my Masters). Maybe I am being dramatic but apart from giving birth I can't think of anything else more important to me than my doctorate. Hmmm.

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 14/02/2012 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mockingjay · 14/02/2012 19:15

I think the majority of people don't understand what a PhD entails MissSayuri. Some seem to think it is a couple of class and 6 months "research". And I don't think they (including your DD) can really be expected to understand. But I do think you can say to your DD that it is disappointing that she doesn't want to be there, because it is! She can do both, and is choosing another party (after being at the festival all weekend) over seeing you get your PhD.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 19:18

Bit off topic but I don't really buy into the saying 'you owe your parents nothing...' I blame attitudes like that for the fact that we live in isolated selfish societies who don't even bother looking after their sick, elderly relatives, but that is another story and I can't agree with that sentiment. I also said earlier on in the thread that her father wasn't an issue here. I feel blessed that she has a relationship with her dad as many of her contemporaries don't.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 19:22

well said misssayuri i think selfishness and looking after yourself has escalated and people only worry/care about themselves , its a disgusting attitude to have

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