To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

[Dancergirl]

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

Can his continuous milk feed via a gastostromy kill him locana? What would you do if his bag got some air in it and the machine beeped? or if his button came out? Call his mum I suspect but it's unlikely in the meantime he's at serious risk. (I accept some children are)

kal I totally understand what your saying. Just ignore. I am trachaostomy trained (suction, cpr, change), suction trained, diabetes trained, gasostromy and NG trained, manual handling trained and trained in hoisting, O2. (etc etc) I do it day in day out as it's my job. I could not be responsible for a child with such high needs as well as 15-20 others and would appreciate you staying. I would likely (as in have done) invite your DC for an extra treat with just my DC which you didn't need to be at. Something tailored to the child's needs and so you get your 'party break!'

Most people understand that everyone has different needs and actually will accept how difficult it is for these parents, not slate them for being there for their child.

Voidka -try doing a search on her other posts.

"allergy mums" Words fail me.

I am now hiding this thread.

well said 'youarekidding'

greenbananas (and others) - believe me, I would be begging you to stay. Not because I couldn't (if suitably briefed) deal with your DC's allergies at a one-to-one playdate, but because with 15-20 other overexcited DC, there is no way on earth I would want to be responsible for ensuring that one child didn't come into contact with something which could cause them such serious harm - especailly contact allergies, which are often out of the control of even the most sensible child.

Lorcana just likes winding people up generally. So be it.

when dd has her birthday in a few weeks I want parents to stay because I havent the faintest idea what to do with walking talking kids! I have little to no time to prepare and nothing sophisticated like these kids are used too.

Eldest DD is 5 (6 in june) and if it is a class party (9/10 times it is) I don't stay any more. This is simply because she spends 5 days a week with these same children; they are all in the same class together, so I don't see why she wouldn't be okay. DD is shy, but these are her friends , I understand if its a different environment, but its a party so I doubt she would be complaining! I think its nice for DD to go on her own without having me watching her, I stayed at a party in January and she just got really embarrassed by having me there - she was having fun and being silly, and would then look over at me and get all embarrassed!
It doesn't bother me at all having parents stay to our parties, it is their choice at the end of the day. When it was DD's party last june, a few of the parents went off for an hour and then came back for the 2nd half. I found that a few of the children were absolutely fine - running around crazily; until their parents came back and then they climbed on their laps and wouldn't join in. Of course I wasn't offended in the slightest, but it was just interesting seeing how they reacted when they saw their parents come in!

FWIW Locana - one of my youngest DD's (2.6) has just had a PEG tube fitted, she can't go back to nursery until one of the staff is trained in what to do if it came out etc. DD's isnt even in use in the day, but if she was at a party then I would probably be worried incase in all the craziness, it got pulled/came out!

There are other, less "real" restrictions that parents put on DC, though - friend did a last minute (24 hours notice) party for her DD, picked the DC up from school and walked them home to their house. One of the mothers who came to collect was shocked to see a certain child tucking into (nice, normal) birthday tea with gusto - apparently she is only "allowed" to eat organic, sustainably sourced food with suitable ethical credentials - my friend just grinned and said when she had called child's mother in a tearing rush she hadn't had a chance to get a word in edgewise said anything about it (disclaimer - friend in question is a doctor and would move heaven and earth to cater for any real allergies).

LOL at 'allergy mums. If it wouldn't be unfair on DS, I'd love to leave him at Lorc's for a party, no need to brief her on any of his so called allergies. Love to see her face when he had a slice of sponge cake and started chundering over the other guests. Or maybe she's the kind of mum to offer some healthy fruit, like kiwi. No way would she freak out when DS's lips started to blister, and his throat started closing over. After all, if you don't believe in it, it doesn't happen, right?

KalSkirata - what does your DD like? Would she feel horribly left out if the others were sat doing something crafty (plus point - within chatting range and not running around) or would she prefer general rioting and music and noise going on?

I don't know any kids who have to have their parents with them every moment of their lives - maybe there are some . Or maybe the parents need to be with their kids ..... this little fellow we know with the tummy tube seems to have quite serious health problems but he is allowed to go to parties and other things without his parents continually in the background . Both his parents are doctors so perhaps that accounts for their- imo- sensible attitude . Not judging just saying.... still maintain most all can be left and aren't because their parents want to be there for various reasons to do with them .

I actually did a ketchup, nut and dairy free party at home once

The organisation! But with being an 'allergy mum' I knew the other parents would appreciate it and know I wouldn't take risks as I am in the same boat. The children were left, 1 is CMPI the other nut allergic but no epi-pen but inhalers.

Everybody could eat everything (and did!) and the children had a great time.

lorcana some may not be left because it's more to do with the parents. IME its only a very few. But children with SN, allergies other health conditions often require 'extra' parenting, and I'm sure most of these parents would love to leave their children and get a break.

lorcana How would you feel if you banned an allegy mum from a party you hosted and the child died of anaphylatic shock?

still posting ignorant crap Lorcana. I'm desperate for a break but not desperate enough to risk dd's life And she is clearly much worse than your mythical friends. Not that this comes up because she doesnt get party invites.

Stealth, she likes both. Crafty stuff - someone has to move her hands of course and hold stuff 2 inches from her eyes. And rioting. Some poor sucker has to push her chair

X pots Kal Why can't people understand that?

So, given the choice, Kal - IIWY, I would go the craft route - raid Baker Ross and/or ebay for loads of beads and stuff and make jewellery or something with a smallish group, with DD's choice of music on in the background. Still hard work, but less wearing than the rioting option .

Has distance been mentioned? The one party dd did get invited too about a year ago was 2 hours by bus. And in the middle of nowhere. No way a parent could go home or why should they sit outside on the pavement.

Can't believe this is still going but just wanted to add:

There are an awful lot of assumptions being made about whether the host can 'cope'. As a party host myself, when I invite children to one of my dc's parties, I am assuming that between dh and myself and possibly grandparents on hand, we can cope with the invited children. Or if not, I would ask a couple of mums I know well if they would mind helping. If we don't feel we can cope, then we don't invite so many children! I would not expect an invited child to be 'looked after' by their parent - I think THAT'S being presumptuous. It's like asking a child (or children) over to tea and then not being able to look after them (on a larger scale of course).

Turning the tables, how do you all feel about BEING the party host? Do you expect and want parents to stay or do you feel confident looking after the guests yourself? In 8 years of having children's parties, I can honestly say the best ones have been where not many parents stayed. The children were calmer/better behaved and they all had a ball.

'Not judging just saying'

Doesn't that go along with 'not being funny but...

'I'm not racist but you have to admit...'

And the like.

DS1 gets DLA at HR becuase of his need for coanstant supervision,a stated by apeds and SW. Firing them off an email now to say no bother, someone on a webiste told me he doesn't need it, I shall let him off out with his mates* tomorrow to play

• he doesn't have any, attends and SNU and tehy all have parents with them or attention from a simialrly experienced parent all day.

Dancer: if you told a parent to definitely leave because you were sure you could handle their child, but you were wrong, and that child acted badly & upset you or other people, would you invite that child again? Would you conclude "Oh well, too bad he's such a brat"? Do you think that would be a good outcome for that child?

If word got round the mummy circles what happened at your party, such that people mentioned definitely not inviting that child to their own party events, would you feel any guilt?

Do you assume that you always know who the bratty children are in advance, so couldn't happen like that, because you wouldn't invite them anyway?

KateShmate - excellent post and I totally agree. Children play in a totally different way if their parents are there (even if just watching from the sidelines). It's like you're invading 'their' space.

And also...it's good to take a few risks sometimes in the right setting. Even accounting for SN children, children with allergies etc and parents wanting to stay and help...it still doesn't need ONE parent per ONE child. Sometimes if I've had doubts about leaving a child at a party I ask myself what's the worst that could happen in 2 hours? Become tearful? Host would comfort them or phone me. Hurt themselves? Host would deal with it or phone me. Chances are they'll have a great time without me.

ragged - I wouldn't label a child as a brat over ONE incident!! Would you? And yes in theory I would invite that child again if my child wanted to invite him/her!

My dc generally choose who they invite to their parties and no I don't know who the 'bratty' children are in advance and I certainly wouldn't say to my child don't invite X because he/she behaved badly last time. Not all children behave perfectly at parties and even if they behaved badly they still deserve a second chance.

See dancergirl thats the right question....

'whats the worse that can happen?'

Well a few of us here (Kal, me, greenbananas and charity) have already stated - death. OK, it's worse case but it's a real fear parents have and some compassion about how it feels to be a parent in that situation wouldn't go amiss. (not aimed at you dancer - you seem ready to accept why they stay - having asked the question)

(I have actually and do actually leave DS now because hes older but only if I'm happy to and I trust the host, it's close to home etc)

But if you worried about the possibility of death that much, why then is it ok to leave an older child?

Kal - how do I or anyone else know your DD is real ? Maybe you are just trying to make yourself feel better about being an overprotective parents with needs of their own ? see - not nice is it ? Personally you sound hysterical to me and rather shrill.

Well, if we're talking about allergies then an older child is much better able to control their food intake. DS is already getting quite good at 3, because he's had enough reactions to be wary, but adults sometimes override 3 year olds, as another poster mentioned upthread.

Well I stay - always. My DS, age 7 had ful-time 1:1 due to health needs at school. So why would a party be any different?

He is tube fed, has speech issues, has some mobility difficulties and very unusual anatomy, so much if someone ( even accidentally) kicks, punches or hits him in lower abdomen or if he trips and lands awkwardly on a chair on his tummy he could DIE!! You want that responsibility Lorcana? Didn't think so

Oh forgot, he just shouldn't be allowed to go to the party.......Duly noted form now on my son will stay at home , with me, have no friends over and be completely excluded from society.........NOT!! As his mother is is my job to ENABLE him and I will do that in any way I see fit.

TBH..........if your children's attitudes are in any way a resemblance of yours I'd be happier if he wasn't friends with them! Hope you never experience a situation which renders you or yours disabled....god help them!