To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

[Dancergirl]

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

In Italy Rosa? I would seriously love to!

Anyway I don't want to stay at children's parties for ever, and I'm sure most people don't, but it's nice to cut parents a bit of slack when their children are 4 or 5, surely? But I do always respect the host's wishes, of course.

I would love to leave my DS at Lorcana's party - he would be fine, but you wont be able to communicate with him unless you know his special code, and when he pulls his nappy off and pees everywhere (because you wont know he does that alot in public so wont know to watch him), what will you do then?

DC1 was quite shy and needed to know I was there, pretty much until Yr1. DC2 has just turned 4 and is enormously capable of looking after herself. These days I end up staying because...

a) She sees other parents staying and asks me (nicely, but persistently) if I will stay, too

b) I don't do the school run very often, so quite like catching up with the class parents

c) Its nice to see the children grow up (I've known lots of the children in her class since they were babies)

d) In many cases, it seems to be expected by the hosts. A number of parties have had activities that assume each child has an adult available to help them complete the tasks (including some of the gym parties, where smaller children need a lot of help on the equipment)

e) Especially in venues where the toilets aren't particularly accessible etc, it seems an imposition on the birthday child's dps to expect them to take 30 4 yr olds to the toilet etc all afternoon. Also, there seems to be an expectation that all the parents will lend a hand at tea/lunchtime, opening drinks and crisps, passing out sandwiches, clearing up etc.

I do try to share parenting duties with other parents (so you get one parent 'covering' 3 or 4 children) but it depends on the party.

FWIW I wouldn't expect to be staying with any of my dcs past the Reception year.

Yes Grey and prosecco will be flowing !

Tempted to book a flight now Rosa - sounds great!

Ok - quick question. My DS (3) is going to his first bday party on Saturday - well, the first he has been invited to via nursery. Previously, he has been to parties of family friends - where we have obviously been invited too.

This party is at his friend's house ( in London, but a 'drivey' part!) - I have never met the parents. I just assumed that I would stay due to age of DS, parents not wanting responsibility for a whole nursery class, nice to meet some other nursery parents. I assumed it was 'the done thing'.

Your answers are reassuring me BUT should I ask when we get there - if so, how? I don't want to horrify the parents is leaving is completely beyond the pale, but I don't want to look too assumey either.

What do you think. No need for you to answer Lorcana - I can guess.

I'd be horrified if the parent of a 3yo I had never met didn't want to stay with their DC.
You could ring & check to be polite so they know to expect you. Offer to bring some wine?

Give them a ring. Open with asking if they need any help with anything/anything bringing. If you think you'd like to stay and your ds would need you there then ask if that's okay. If you're just unsure about etiquette and happy to be led ask what the plan is.

charity - assuming you are not going to have a chance to ask casually, I would just play it by ear - if everyone else seems to be staying, you are fine - if not, then maybe ask... but I would have been completely horrified if every parent had bailed out of on of my DC's 3rd birthday party (a couple, having told me they are doing it, and left contact numbers and/or another parent in loco parentis, OK, but not all/most!)

Ok - will do, thanks. Have just remembered another reason why I'd need to stay - don't think any host would be happy for me to chuck an epipen at them, reel off a list of allergies, and leg it!

charitygirl if they are food allergies, it would be friendly to mention them to party host upfront and offer to bring food for him (even if they say no, the offer will be appreciated). I personally have no issue catering for allergies and making sure I know which things are OK for a given child, but if you put me on the spot in the middle of a party and asked "has anything got X in?" I would be hassled and not very impressed.

Parents stay here through most of primary school as venue parties are the norm and its unfair on the host to shoulder responsibility for all the children not to mention most need cars to get to so not worth two trips.

The places always have coffee etc so the parents chat whilst the kids have a fun time. For young primary children i'd never leave them on their own. Plenty of time to learn independance when they are older.

I stay for the wotsits.

I've never been to a children's party yet where there has been a fight over children not winning at games, demands for tea so I guess the less well off lot of us evidently have better mannered acquaintances.
Now the problems I have seen are to do with the fact that parent has vanished, leaving hosts to deal with 5 yr old incontinents which is not on.

I would just ask. DS (7) went to a soft play party last week, joint party and most of class so 7/8yo's. I asked party mum if other parents were staying (when I rang to confirm DS was going) and she wasn't sure and said I could or leave him if I wanted. Now I did question if she was sure as DS has allergies/epi-pens and had many other children there.
She said fine to leave him and anyway all his classmates know about his allergies are are old enough now to get help when needed. (sadly IME).
I was quite surprised when I picked DS up to find about 10 parents had stayed. However these parents are all friends and sat in soft play cafe I suspect. I do not do drop off, don't really know them and had an 1 1/2 at home (alone!) to have a quick blitz of the house.
Although did have a few minutes at the beginning when DC's ordering food. There is an allergies section and DS told lad he was allergic to ketchup. (only thing there he would react to). He put it at the bottom. I said again its an allergy. He said it's alright I have written he can't have it. I politely (I might add!) asked shouldn't it be in the allergy section. (guess he was thinking peanuts etc) He said 'oh, he's actually allergic to it'. "yes I said and the party mum has his epipen with her"

I would just ring the parents and say you weren't sure what the arrangements were. That you had thought you'd be expected to stay as so little, but if she doesn't want/need parents around your happy to leave DC. If she says 'oh you can stay if you want then offer to bring some wine etc!'.

so many kids with convenient allergies .....

The answer of course to OP's question is - the parents have nothing better to do than fret and fuss over DCs , this behaviour now seems absolutely fashionable whereas it used to be frowned upon.
A child was dropped off at last DC's party ( 4th ) with his own food ( rather strangely a cold toasted honey sandwich - it's all he eats allegedly ) I forgot to give it to him at tea time and he just ate what everyone else did with NO fuss or mention of his 'eating disorder' ?? I told his mother when she picked up - she was cross because I had forgotten and continues to send this ridiculous meal in to school every day !!! I rest my case.

lorcana not all of us are making up our children's allergies. I find your attitude extremely offensive and I daresay I'm not the only one.

I stay with my DS at parties because he is only 3 and needs constant supervision (i.e. more than a busy, harrassed party hostess can be expected to give). He reacts on skin contact to traces of dairy (has had ambulance called before because of accidental skin contact with milk). He is also allergic to eggs, peas, lentils, bananas, tree nuts, peanuts, sesame seeds and garlic.

There are many valid reasons why people want to stay at parties, and allergies are one of them.

OK Lorcana, I no longer beleive you are for real, you are just deliberately winding everyone up.

Allergies can be a v serious issue and of course a parent was incensed that you disregarded their instructions. You have no idea why that child was on an unusual diet, nor should the parents have to justify it to you. However, the combination of banning parents from your parties and being totally untrustworthy is just amazing.

'SN child will be ok ( there is an SN child who regularly comes to DS1 parties/play visits - he has feeding tube in tummy thing and is left with us - no probs mum tells us what to do - generally nothing - and scoots off for well earned tome out'

Im sorry Lorcana, I think you are lying. I would not leave dd alone with anyone unless they were full trained in 'feeding tube tummy thing' , could change continence pads and had had hoist training for manual handling.
So I dont beleive you. Or that you or your nanny would have those skills.

I have a pact with my mummy mates - we drop the kids and go for coffee for 2 hours. Lovely!

lorcana Are you meaning to be so rude? I have actually stated that I leave my DS who has serious allergies and epi-pens if the party host is happy. That is because he's 7 now and his 7/8yo friends are also aware enough and will look out for him. I have however (after a stupid parent put ketchup on his plate despite my DS saying NO) stayed at parties with him in the past.

But then again, I suppose watching our children go beetroot red/purple, swell up and struggle to breathe is just an 'excuse' not to have a few hours peace and quiet? If a child has anaphylatic shock there is a real risk of death and in best case that AH and epi-pen works there's still the minimum 6 hours in A&E.

2 hours at a party seems nothing compared to that.

AND I have actually sat for 4 hours in a car park/cafe at a birthday party DS was at in a Country park 1 hour from home. He has environmental allergens and no way at 6yo was I leaving him when the nearest A&E was not ours. I didn't see him the whole time but was there if needed.

Thanks stealthsquiggle - will def mention allergies in advance - eggs is the pesky one at parties, I find! It should be second nature, but I'm ashamed to say I'm a bit laid back and forgetful about it (I know this will go against Lorcana's view of me as a neurotic sadster, but what can I do?).

Kal - we did not get special training , his feed bags are in a little back pack and on the go all the time as far as I can gather, she just said there's nothing to do really , any worries give her a ring - he does not really eat at all but likes too sit at table and licks food to get a taste I guess. His mum is way more relaxed than you 'allergy mums' .

Lorcana, you clearly think all SN children are the same. dd has bolus feeds. Know what those are? dd is also on the ketogenic diet for her epilepsy. Know what that is?
Im pretty relaxed. I have 4 kids, 3 of whom have been parked anywhere. DD however is life limited and could die at any time. Even in your house. Not one parent at her school will invite her to a party or after school to play because they cant deal with her complex needs.
So dont be so fucking rude about what you know nothing about.

Lorcana - you are coming across as a pompous cow on this thread.