To wonder why so many parents stay at parties?

[Dancergirl]

I have just taken my dd to a party, the little boy was turning 5 and most of the guests were Reception children. I wasn't sure if I was staying or not but in the end another mum offered to drop dd home so I said goodbye to her and left.

It was a party in a sports hall with organised games. The birthday child's parents and grandparents were there in addition to the instructors so lots of adult help.

As I was leaving I couldn't help noticing that only a few parents had left; the others were sitting by the side while the children did the games.

This is NOT a dig at anyone, but I am curious why it's the done thing these days to stay at parties. I would understand if you had a particularly nervous or shy child but all the children were happily joining us and were settled.

I am sure years ago parents didn't stay at parties. So why the change?

The parents hosting should provide adequate supervision or say you must stay to supervise your own DC - tbh if the latter was the case ( never has been ) I would not bother with it. If your child genuinely can't manage without you then he is not ready for partying imo - that is what I tell invitees to my DC's parties. We have a nanny and hire in extra hands if necessary - they get on and work and don't need tea and sympathy. Last time I allowed a parent to stay she spent entire time button holing me about her extension, next hols and how brilliant her DC was !!

Amazing how things change ,also depends on the norm within a peer group.Totally not normal for parents to stay when ds1(now18)was reception age,if your child couldn't stay alone then they didn't go.

Ds2(now15)different primary ,everyone stayed,have to say having 15 pairs of eyes judging you for 2 hours when you tried to host party was a very intimidating ,impossible to control children because the parents kept talking over you and undermining.Also find children much better behaved if parents not there.

Ds3(now10)Alot more parents than with ds1but by the end of reception most were being left.

Interesting that people say it's rude to leave the children,perception here is that it is rather rude to impose yourself on the family hosting,it implies you think they are incompetent or irresponsible.Usually I would expect a parent to ask in advance if it was alright to stay ,and generally offer to help.My ds2 often thought I was staying because I was helping when in fact I was giving him abut of reassurance

lorcana, are you reading the thread at all? Leave aside your opinion that a small child needing its parents there is wrong and the child shouldn't be at a party and try and understand some of the other things pointed out to you. Children with additional needs, venues where there's no help from the staff and unsupervised exits, parents like me who can't drive and have to walk for an hour with a baby in a sling to get dd to parties and have nowhere to go for the duration, parents who enjoy watching their children play, hosts who like it and actively encourage parents to stay, parents who like to get to know each other and see parties as a chance to do this. You don't want parents at your children's parties, fine, do as you please. But this rigid insistance that all people do things your way is a bit baffling, particularly ascribing motives which are at best completely fabricated. And I don't know why you can't understand any other of the myriad reasons why people stay at parties and why both the host and the attendees benefit from it.

But show of umbles can you understand why (Sen aside)some parents can find uninvited parents just taking it upon themselves to stay at a children's party rather intimidating.In your case there are obviously good reasons which probably the birthday child's parents would be awRe of.

I have up on parties for ds2because being quite a shy person I was very intimidated by all the parents staying and gossiping about the party and passing judgement.I can cope with children but not adults

Sorry meant gave up

Lorcana, not everyone can afford a nanny and purchase extra help for parties which makes it even more expensive. What is the difference between having the nanny /help to parents? Is it to show off or to not provide food for parents as the help is only there to work?

It depends on the child. DS1 hated to be left and I used to have to hang around for a while. DD and DS2 were absolutely fine so I left them without a backward glance.

When my DCs had parties I assumed that most parents would leave them. I always had a few adults there - DH and my parents usually - so I wasn't single-handedly dealing with hordes of DC. Sometimes there would be one who was a bit nervous - parent would either stay or ask me to call them if said child got upset but they never did.

It seems to be a new phoenomenon for the majority of parents to assume they have to stay.

Don't worry Lorcana, if a parent as unwelcoming, unempathetic and hostile as you invited us to a party I would be sure to have something else on at the same time so we couldn't come.

This "my way or the highway" attitude you have is really horrid .

If no nanny get relatives willing to work - parents need tea and sympathy.

One of the favourite places here for parties for small children is a soft play centre. Or it was, when mine were little. Very small venue - the caged soft play area and ballpit took up all of the front of the building apart from a narrow passageway, and there was only a small area at the back to act as a party room and place to leave coats. If all the parents of a party for 16 children stayed there'd have been no room for them all! It just never seem to arise somehow. Of course there'd be a handful of parents for some of the children that couldn't be left - SN, or just very shy - but never more than 2 or 3.

Okay Lorcana, so you are also assuming that people have family nearby or have family that they'd even want around! I guess with your attitude, you have plenty of money and haven't managed on your own two feet for a while then? A lot of us in the real world don't have family to fall back on!

Whenever I've stayed at a party it's been to catch up with and chat to some of the parents I've not seen for a while. Only ever stayed with my DCs up to pre-school nursery age, and even then not all the time.

what planet do you live on Lorcana. Nannies and helpful relatives!

Glitter - everyone has someone they can ask don't be so defeatist. What you need to avoid os a big gaggle of parents ( usually mothers imo ) chattering/demanding tea and interfering when their beloved DC doesn't win / won't eat sarnies etc

Lorcana I am glad my DC are not at school with yours, TBH.

"throwing parents out" whilst brutal - well, special circumstances aside, on your head be it, and if you have lots of "hired help" (which not everyone does, incidentally) then I am sure they are all fine - but IME it is the child dropped when most aren't who is generally most nuisance and I do wonder whether your DC's accounts of "loads of fun" at other parties are the whole story, or whether yours are the DC who make host parents hearts sink.

That said - I do agree that parents staying doesn't aways mean that their DC behave, and I have learned to take the approach that if a DC is misbehaving at my DC's party then I don't care if their parents are there or not - I will tell them off. Parents who stay fall into 2 camps - those who get stuck in and help, who are very very welcome, and those who sit and chat and ignore their DC running riot - less welcome, but I can't see any way of un-inviting them without losing the helpful ones!

It tails off naturally - by 8th birthday (smaller party) no parents stayed and I would never expect to stay either unless I was (for example) providing transport for a selection of DC.

Parents are welcome to stay at parties I give but then its the norm here in Italy anyway ,infact often I give them a glass of wine - as far as I am cocerned its a socal event for them as well if they want it.......

Showof... Those are all YOUR problems , SN child will be ok ( there is an SN child who regularly comes to DS1 parties/play visits - he has feeding tube in tummy thing and is left with us - no probs mum tells us what to do - generally nothing - and scoots off for well earned tome out ). There are coffee shops to go to. Watch your kid play when yuou take him to park ? No sorry my rule would apply to you too.

I stayed with dd because if I tried to leave she would sense any movement towards the door from the top of the climbing frame 100 feet away and launch herself at me, locking her arms round my ankles and begging me to stay. That's the sort of self confident independent child extended breast feeding and attachment parenting gives you!

Ds I could have left with the child catcher from 6 months. But I always asked whtver the party parent needed any help- sometimes it was obvious the most helpful thing I could do was leave at once- sometimes the offer was gratefully accepted. Depends on the child and the party.

Rosa your parties sound lovely . We also offer wine.

lorcana, I'd be ripping your invite up. I actually laughed out loud at your solution of a nanny and hired help instead of parents.

No sorry my rule would apply to you too.- hilarious how you dish out "rules" to people who don't do as you want.

I think I'd rather go to the parties held by other posters who are friendly and don't give me "rules" about my own children.

I can confirm that staying at parties is quite the done thing in Italy, especially if the location of the party is not in a busy area.
Some parents or carers will stay for a chat. There is always adult things to drink at children's parties and parents are free to eat whatever they like.

It is often a good occasion to chat to other parents from school.

mrswoodentop, as I said if a parent like lorcana or any other parent stipulated no parents then that's different. The question was why is there a trend for parents staying at sports hall parties. No mention of pissed off hosts or people ignoring questions. Not why do parents do it against other parents wishes or why might uninvited party guests be annoying, just why might parents stay. I do not foist myself on people or around people's houses uninvited. DD has been to a party in another child's house. I dropped her off, left a contact number and left. It's just good manners.

lorcana, you still seem to be wilfully misunderstanding the question. It's not why do you not want parents at your party or even what is your particular opinion on parents who stay. The very valid reasons why parents stay have been explained and plenty of people have pointed out that they positively encourage or even expect parents to stay. I'm still not sure why you can't understand this. I'm very pleased you have local coffee shops to go to. Our sports hall is in the middle of nowhere with a (closed) high school next to it. The very nice parents of the children who have had parties so far have invited parents too and actually in more than one case offered to pick me up and drop me off too. And you also seem to think that all SNs are the same. My severely autistic niece absolutely loves parties and we love her to come to them. She absolutely cannot tolerate her Mum not being near her. She is 4 years old. There is no question at all of dropping and running, you'd greatly upset a very vulnerable little girl if you insisted upon it. I don't care if you've hired Mary Poppins and her army of helpers, some children cannot be left.

Grey next one is March 10th you are welcome to come along.......

lorcana your kids obviously don't suffer from anxiety brought on by bereavement and parental disability coinciding a few months before starting school
That's the kind of reason we stay, not to helicopter