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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with dd1 teacher.

558 replies

lisad123 · 10/02/2012 17:03

I know this is likely to kick off because it's about religion, but hopefully it won't.

We a family we don't celebrate Xmas or birthdays ect. Both dds have been brought up this way and it's never been an issue to anyone (beside PIL but that's another thread)!

Dd1 is 9 and at Xmas her teacher kept making comments about Xmas being the most wonderful time ever, if you don't celebrate your missing out on something special and wonderful and no child should miss xmas. I let it wash as we were taking girls away over Xmas so dd1 wasn't fussed.

Yesterday, someone in her class was giving out birthday sweets. Dd1 refused as she knows we don't join in celebrating bdays. It's never been an issue, we have plently of sweets. Her teacher made a comment and told her it was ok, she should have one and I would never know! Shock dd1 still refused and told me what teacher had said.
When she came out today she told me her teacher had put sweets in her tray, and told her they weren't bday sweets so she could eat them.
Now Friday is the only day we have sweets because she is a sugar addict and gets ratty and obsessive if we allow too many sweets.

So I spoke to the teacher and he said he felt sorry for her and didn't think it was fair. I explained that I understand that but this is our choice and he told me in future he would try not to say anything but he did feel sorry for her Hmm
She wants for nothing and I'm very proud of her for standing up so well to her beliefs.

I'm wondering if she was a religion that didn't eat meat if he would have such a problem.

So am I unreasonable to be upset with him?

OP posts:
Caz10 · 10/02/2012 20:09

maryz the kids I taught had be excluded from all of those kinds of things, I had to.

Maryz · 10/02/2012 20:09

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squeakytoy · 10/02/2012 20:11

But your daughter "believes" because she has been forced to. Not out of her own personal choice. :(

She didnt have the sweets yesterday, but maybe the teacher knows she is allowed sweets on a Friday, so gave them her today..

BurningBridges · 10/02/2012 20:11

Hello Lisad, how are you feeling, its BB from the health related threads. I think the teacher was sort of wrong, but I think sometimes teachers find it impossible to get it all right - do you think he was well intentioned if misguided? Does the school do its best to accommodate your beliefs, and those of other people, as well as possible? We are atheists and my DDs are very anti-church, the school doesn't force them to attend but we've been to church before to see what its like. So I suppose to sum up I am saying perhaps just mention it to school again, but I think you have to let it go on this occasion. And perhaps on some more occasions, that's just schools really, sometimes we expect too much. Sounds like DD handled it very well, I think that's consensus.

Caz10 · 10/02/2012 20:11

Oops I had to come up with a usually crappy alternative every time. They sat out of school assemblies too (Muslim pupils didn't) and also weren't allowed to help with the poppy appeal (that one pissed me off).

BurningBridges · 10/02/2012 20:12

Sorry for all the "thinks" I have been on the wine Blush

oiwheresthecoffee · 10/02/2012 20:13

I dont usually post on religious threads because i dont believe in fairies/gods/unicorns/other superstitions and have very little time for those who do BUT

Its your DD and whatever i or her teacher might think it is up to you how you raise her. And it was wrong of her teacher to try and persuade her to go against your wishes.

Theres a phrase about how i might not like your opinions but defend your right to make them i or something but i cant remember it or who said it that might be useful here...

Original poster
lisad123 · 10/02/2012 20:14

Yes they do opt out of Xmas and Easter crafts. Tbh it's never been a problem in the past. I have said I'm happy to go in and help, keep her home ect. Certainly will don't send her the week before Xmas as its too much for her and teachers at that time of year.
They don't tend to do a huge amount for Easter at dds school. They are currently doing the last supper which I assume will lead to Easter type activities, so will talk to teacher after half term.

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 10/02/2012 20:14

Hmm it's difficult to say whether YABU or not.
Are you 100% on the conversation that took place about the sweets? Is it possible your dd asked the teacher if he would tell you if she ate one?
It sounds as though by putting different 'non-birthday' sweets in her tray he was making an attempt to include her without compromising your beliefs tbh.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 10/02/2012 20:17

I don't really know how it all works but couldn't she have the sweets anyway and just see them as sweets instead of thinking of them as being eaten in celebration of a birthday?

It seems a strict principle.

Maryz · 10/02/2012 20:21

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hocuspontas · 10/02/2012 20:23

Thanks for putting me straight! I thought Valentines' Day was only celebrated due to some bizarre connection with the St. Valentine's Day Massacre Blush

Have just googled it and it has pagan origins so I can see the JW pov on that. MN is SO educational at times!

newbiedoobiedoo · 10/02/2012 20:26

hocus I can't speak for any other religion but I was raised Catholic and most of (if not all?) our celebratory events have origins in pagan rituals and festivals.

If you ask a priest, he'll tell you that the Church did this to make the transition from pagan to believer easier for the people. :)

rhondajean · 10/02/2012 20:26

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PattiMayor · 10/02/2012 20:39

This is the whole issue I have with JW. The religion surpasses everything else. The right of a child to an education (so the no more than 10 days out of school thing presumably doesn't apply), the right to make friends and participate fully in the wider community.

I actually think it's really cruel sending JW kids to mainstream school. My JW friend at school looked haunted and unhappy the whole time because he was never allowed to join in. It's like standing children in toy shops all day every day and never buying them anything :(

Sorry, I know that's not answering your question but it's the cruellest religion I've ever come across.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 10/02/2012 20:41

Hmmm my Gran is a devout JW, but she still eats a slice of bday cake if my kids offer her a slice. She is extremely devout.

themildmanneredjanitor · 10/02/2012 20:50

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IDoNotLIKEFun · 10/02/2012 20:51

I think it's quite shocking that teacher told DD to lie about the sweet, well, a lie by omission or whatever it's called. You can't encourage children to keep secrets from their parents unless there is an incredibly serious reason for it, surely?

Than again when I was teaching I was told to lie to my entire class by the parish / school priest Hmm

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2012 20:55

And as for forcing my dd to be different, I'm sorry but what's wrong with being different? I would rather she be different and have the strength to stand up for what she believes in than be a sheep and bow to peer pressure

But these are your beliefs and pressure from you...surely you can see that?

Most kids want little more from their school days than to fit in, have fun and make friends.

Being banned from celebrating other people's religious days and birthdays isn't exactly helping with that is it?

If I banned my kids from sending Diwali cards to their friends or from receiving them, that would make me a bigot as far as I'm concerned and I would also be teaching them to be bigoted.

Look around your community. Religious leaders are trying their hardest in most places to build a bridge between faiths. Our local mosque and church leaders run a community drop in center/youth club together, to try and show respect and tolerance for each others beliefs.

And as for keeping your child off school for a week before Christmas, well I'm surprised the school are ok with that when most schools won't even allow term time holidays.

BobMarley · 10/02/2012 20:55

Although the teacher was wrong to encourage your child to lie to you, the one question I have is this. Why do you not home educate your child rather than exclude them from so many things that are such a big part of mainstram school culture?

PattiMayor · 10/02/2012 20:57

Indeed mmj. Most religions participate grudgingly in our vaguely Xtian culture. I give Xmas cards to my Hindu neighbours and their children participate in everything we do in school. Their daughter was a wise man in the nativity. The thing is Lisa, you're not saying that your DD can never have sweets but that she can only have them when they're not in celebration of something. That's a really hard thing to enforce for a child at mainstream school. And I'm sorry, they're not her beliefs, they're yours.

Maryz · 10/02/2012 20:57

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rhondajean · 10/02/2012 20:58

I have never read any jw literature that advocated keeping your children off school for a week before Christmas either. Again that is a personal interpretation.

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2012 20:58

Schools allow religious days Maryz but pulling your child out because you're banning them from joining in with their peers....I don't think so?

PattiMayor · 10/02/2012 20:58

Sorry - 'grudgingly' is probably a bit strong there!

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