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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with dd1 teacher.

558 replies

lisad123 · 10/02/2012 17:03

I know this is likely to kick off because it's about religion, but hopefully it won't.

We a family we don't celebrate Xmas or birthdays ect. Both dds have been brought up this way and it's never been an issue to anyone (beside PIL but that's another thread)!

Dd1 is 9 and at Xmas her teacher kept making comments about Xmas being the most wonderful time ever, if you don't celebrate your missing out on something special and wonderful and no child should miss xmas. I let it wash as we were taking girls away over Xmas so dd1 wasn't fussed.

Yesterday, someone in her class was giving out birthday sweets. Dd1 refused as she knows we don't join in celebrating bdays. It's never been an issue, we have plently of sweets. Her teacher made a comment and told her it was ok, she should have one and I would never know! Shock dd1 still refused and told me what teacher had said.
When she came out today she told me her teacher had put sweets in her tray, and told her they weren't bday sweets so she could eat them.
Now Friday is the only day we have sweets because she is a sugar addict and gets ratty and obsessive if we allow too many sweets.

So I spoke to the teacher and he said he felt sorry for her and didn't think it was fair. I explained that I understand that but this is our choice and he told me in future he would try not to say anything but he did feel sorry for her Hmm
She wants for nothing and I'm very proud of her for standing up so well to her beliefs.

I'm wondering if she was a religion that didn't eat meat if he would have such a problem.

So am I unreasonable to be upset with him?

OP posts:
CoralRose · 10/02/2012 22:48

"I honest don't think that part of it is more emotionally damaging than say wearing glasses or having acne."

Really? Being excluded from numerous events that all your friends not only take part in, but get immense joy and pleasure from is no more emotionally damaging than having your sight corrected by wearing glasses?

manicinsomniac · 10/02/2012 22:48

coralrose, I mean no difference in terms of a teacher's duty and ability to differentiate for them, I realise the 4 children are not the same!

rhondajean · 10/02/2012 22:48

Worry sorry do you mean yourself by this nine year old?

I did mention opening the wine didn't I Grin

rhondajean · 10/02/2012 22:50

Having lived through it coral, and knowing the support mechanisms, no. I feel quite equipped to say that actually.

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2012 22:50

Lol rhonda I meant the OP's DD! Grin

If I were 9yrs old I wouldn't be quite as pissed as I am now Blush

scaryteacher · 10/02/2012 22:50

I think the teacher was wrong to suggest your dd lie to you, but I can understand why he felt sorry for your dd.

I had a JW lass in my last tutor group. At Christmas instead of cards, which would have excluded her, we all bought some money in and bought school meals for kids in Africa and a goat for a family in S America. It was cheaper than buying cards for everyone as well!

I also gave each member of my tutor group a card and a bar of chocolate on their birthdays. Again, she was excluded, so on a random date, she got one and it was Happy name of child day. Neither she, nor her parents, seemed to have a problem with that.

IDoNotLIKEFun · 10/02/2012 22:50

Having seen with my DC just how quickly a child can exsanguinate and come close to cardiac arrest following a minor injury, I would hope that the court process only comes into play when there is the question of on-going treatment, not initial life-saving. Could be wrong but I hope I'm not. Every child has the right to life in this country, surely?

Good on your DS, Ineed - he sounds great! Mine would let Bill Sykes in and probably help him carry stuff out.

QuickLookBusy · 10/02/2012 22:50

I think you are right mani that by 9 a child can understand why they aren't allowed to do the same as the rest of the class. A 4/5 year old is very differnt. On seeing the whole class line up for assembly they wants to go with their friends.

It doesn't matter how many exiting activities you come up with to occupy them , they still want to go with their friends.

Also, I should mention that I volunteer in a Church school, so these religious activities that JW aren't allowed to do, tend to happen quite frequently.

Original poster
lisad123 · 10/02/2012 22:50

I promised I wouldn't post but needed to be clear it was the 4 year d who made the card NOT the 9 year old.
I wouldn't expect dd2 to have real clue about our beliefs!

OP posts:
hellymelly · 10/02/2012 22:50

I feel torn on this-I think yanbu to expect a teacher to uphold your wishes, but I think your wishes are rather unreasonable. Part of being in school is being included and part of a group identity,and if your children can't take part at all in any celebrations that is quite hard. We get Christmas cards from jewish friends, in my friend's son's very multi faith central london school everyone seems to enjoy celebrating everything,and my dds enjoy learning about other belief systems. I have two friends who were JW,one was brought up that way after his parents converted and one joined as an adult. The first one feels his childhood was wrecked by the shift from birthdays,Christmas etc,to not being allowed to celebrate anything.Clearly a group identity at school was very important to him.

rhondajean · 10/02/2012 22:51

Lo worra me neither - I did wonder for a minute!

CoralRose · 10/02/2012 22:52

Sorry - I misunderstood. But still you'd have to be pretty cold hearted to not feel for the child that is excluded not because it would make them ill, or they have physical restraints that make it impossible, but because their parents read something in a book and so deem that their child must not join in. I'd rather my children be taught by the teacher that made efforts to make sure that child was given enough opportunity to decide for themselves.

rhondajean · 10/02/2012 22:53

On a personal level I sometimes wonder if. Y sheer pigheadedness is a result of not being expected to fit in as a child? Has it made me a stronger person?

Hmmm.

CoralRose · 10/02/2012 22:55

rhondajean, I'm sure you can accept though that not everyones experience would have been/ will be the same as yours though.

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2012 22:55

Oh I see OP...sorry didn't realise it was the 4yr old.

Still though, as much as a 9 year old does have their own beliefs, they're still based largely on what they've been taught by their parents and various churches and institutions.

I know this because I was around the age of 14 when I suddenly realised the Catholic faith was completely outdated and was not for me.

When I was 9, I was all for it and would repeat verbatum what I'd been told by my parents and the priest.

rhondajean · 10/02/2012 22:55

Coral this is one of the reasons it's not for me as a religion. But it matters to me that people understand it. Does tht make sense?

lockets · 10/02/2012 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peekabooby · 10/02/2012 22:57

How many members does JW have? Do they have a HQ like Mormons?

I am sure I read that only a limited number of JW get to Heaven 144000?? Makes no sense to me, the more people you recruit the less chance of getting toi Heaven yourself Confused

QuickLookBusy · 10/02/2012 22:57

You say you don't expect your 4 year old to "have a clue" but you expect her teacher to exclude her from these activities? How does that add up?

Your DD doesn't understand but she is supposed to be left out anyway. That is exactly why I see confusion and tears -and the odd meltdown--

CoralRose · 10/02/2012 22:59

Of course. Understanding doesn't always lead to acceptance though.

I can understand the religion and the reasonings behind circumcision in young boys, doesn't make it right, doesn't mean I accept it.

rhondajean · 10/02/2012 23:00

Peek the 144000 go to heaven to rule with jesus, they are all already chosen, I can't see how many are still alive but I think about fifteen years ago it was eight thousand.

The rest can live eternally I perfect life on earth, which was gods original plan for mankind.

Disclaimer - this may not reflect my own beliefs!

Original poster
lisad123 · 10/02/2012 23:00

I guess that's why a large amount of children leave faith as teens. I know I did.
As a child I never felt I missed out, I didn't feel different from friends at school as many had their own beliefs, so wasn't really an issue. Xmas didn't seem to be a big thing in secondary school.
I was quite happy to get my new bike at start of summer when everyone else had to wait till Xmas.
I guess with every religion, there is going to be some people who don't agree, or don't understand.
As for getting someone out of the bath, sorryBlush

OP posts:
entropygirl · 10/02/2012 23:02

ha yeah well maybe some 9 year olds can make there own mind up (usually to stuff religion as it means they dont get to play footie on sundays etc).

But isn't it just the mightiest coincidence that out of all the 9 year old girls around it just so happens to be the OP's DD1 that has chosen JW as her faith.....

but yeah Im sure she would have come to it of her own accord.....she must just be one special girl to have seen the light independently so early.

Original poster
lisad123 · 10/02/2012 23:02

144,000 go to heaven, the rest live on earth. There are over 7 million Jw in the world to date

OP posts:
lockets · 10/02/2012 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.