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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really hate parents describing their kids as "very bright"

447 replies

lunaticow · 09/02/2012 12:05

It really gets on my nerves. I mean, how bright is "very bright" is it in the top half of the class, or the top kid in the class? Just how many kids are so "very bright". My kids are clever enough but I'd never go around posting that they are "very bright".
These parents seem to think it is relevant to everything that their kids are "very bright"?
How smug. Stop boasting and shut up!

OP posts:

bruffin · 09/02/2012 20:34

Is being quick to read a measure of brightness?

I wouldn't say it is Feminine, because I have a DD who learned to read by osmosis and a DS who struggled to read until he was 7 then caught up the ones that were reading fluently in reception.

DS is now yr11 and top sets and is supposed to be Oxbridge material. He is on SN register for literacy but he may not be able to spell but understands Shakespeare. His teachers never refer to him as "bright" just as intelligent or having a "huge brain"
Always makes me laugh when I see the odd thread that DC is bored at school because their spellings are too easy!
My easy reader DD 14 is doing very well as well,

NotnOtter · 09/02/2012 20:38

in my ds's secondary school - some teachers post the childrens class position on the door of the classroom...yes really!!

once we were accidentally sent a report of every boy in ds year and his position in every subject!!

troisgarcons · 09/02/2012 20:40

meh - I have one who is very bright (top stream grammar) but then, I have one who is very thick (bottom stream comprehensive) and I have one who is just very average.

Can I say "thick"?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 09/02/2012 20:43

You can.
I wouldnt.
Its like calling your child ugly.

Turniphead1 · 09/02/2012 20:46

I guess we say "bright" because we mean "clever" but think that "bright" sounds less boastful. Daft really.

NotnOtter · 09/02/2012 20:49

I've been criticised for describing my babies as less than beautiful before....!!! I'm just honest!!
I was a relatively young mother when my eldest kids were born ( relative to the locality iyswim) and folk used to be surprised when they realised my kids were clever... i enjoyed the 'slap round the chops for judging me' feeling

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 09/02/2012 20:51

My DS is bright but so fecking lazy I have to remind him to breathe in and out. His boy brain is always on some alternate universe.

DD is clever and works hard. She gets things done because she tries hard.

mercibucket · 09/02/2012 21:00

Mine are bright. It's hardly surprising as so are dh and I. Genes hey. Go figure.
I like 'bright' - better than 'gifted' imo. For me, bright means 'uni potential, post grad level', gifted is 'writing the books you read at post grad level'

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 09/02/2012 21:00

Its fine to admit that your child is not beautiful (I suppose )
But would you call them ugly?
Not being mega intelligent is ok but thick?

But then if the kid doesnt hear it does it matter?

I have a particular view of intelligence due to working with children with complex needs.

Its not all about maths and writing etc. Its so much more complex.

NotnOtter · 09/02/2012 21:05

agree re gifted
it's kind of top 1% of oxbridge to me

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 09/02/2012 21:40

Tbh I always though that bright was different to clever. Bright, to me, is 'switched on' - so they ask lots of questions, work things out, notice stuff. That will often lead to good academic results, but a bright child might not be top of the class, iyswim.

Helltotheno · 09/02/2012 22:00

i don't care what level your kids are. why do you care so much (and why does it irritate you so much) how mine are doing

I know you're speaking generally with that statement but I for one am not even slightly interested in how other peoples' kids are doing. People sometimes don't realise that they're being a bit boring re their kids... eyes glazing over type boring is what I mean.

BUT I'm all for bright kids in principle, bring em not... but not with the fanfare thx.

stealthsquiggle · 09/02/2012 22:37

I agree absolutely that "bright" is different to "clever" but that a child may be both.

DS's teacher took them to watch the older DC doing some debating thing once (a couple of years ago now) - apparently DS loved it, got really involved, and asked some questions which had the older children whispering to each other about who was he and how clever he was. DS's teacher said she gave them a stern look and said very firmly "minisquiggle works very hard" - which she admitted was completely illogical, but she was trying to prevent him being labelled by the older DC as some sort of child prodigy - which I am very glad she did. Same teacher later reported that she was actually very glad to have had to tell DS off for being silly with his friend as it was so nice to see him acting his age.

DS has always been "bright" in this sense - friends often commented that you could have an adult(ish) conversation with him from about the age of 3 - but that comes with a whole heap of challenges of it's own - so if I mention it, in context, on MN, it is to put into context the issues or dilemmas I have with him, not to boast.

FunnysInTheGarden · 09/02/2012 22:45

stealth your posts indicate that you are rather a stealth boaster, rather than a squiggle. I suspect it is parents like you that the OP has issues with

stealthsquiggle · 09/02/2012 22:48

fine. since I stated up front - yes DS is academically VERY bright, but entirely crap at several other things and has challenges accordingly, and also that I avoid such conversations in RL like the plague, I would dispute that, but each to their own.

Feminine · 09/02/2012 22:50

stealth read your post back to yourself.

Do you think it sounds a bit boastful?

stealthsquiggle · 09/02/2012 22:51

better things to do with my life.

Feminine · 09/02/2012 22:53

Whatever...

FunnysInTheGarden · 09/02/2012 22:55

oh come on, you don't say 'thank god DS's teacher managed to avert him being labelled as some sort of a child prodigy' due to his questions at a debate and not come across as boastful. Tis stealth boasting at it's best.

And to be honest, whatever issues a parent has because their child is super bright doesn't interest me in the context of a parent showing off about that same super bright child. We all have children, bright, thick, SN,ugly,pretty whatever. It is very bad form to boast about your children.

Helltotheno · 09/02/2012 22:56

stealthsquiggle I just don't understand why you think any of that needs to be put out there, no matter what the context and RL or not. Tmi for most I imagine...

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 09/02/2012 23:12

I'm with Stealth - she is happy that her child was allowed to get on with his school life without being affected socially by his particular skill set. Ffs, if she was saying she was thankful that he wasn't labelled by being dyslexic or good at swimming or whatever you would all be cheering her on.

And, yes, it is difficult if your child has different development to other children. Dd1 is what you would call advanced in some areas and behind in others (she's four, so nothing is set in stone) and both aspects have pluses and minuses - she's not so good at physical stuff, so she struggles with dressing, toileting etc but was also a easy going toddler who didn't get up to much mischeif as she didn't move about as much. She is advanced at reading, which is lovely as she can read to dd2 and so on, but it is hard to get round her being able to read and technically understand things well above her emotional abilities. They make up what she is, why can I only talk about some aspects?

Helltotheno · 09/02/2012 23:19

Well you don't really have to talk about any of it do you, beyond that she's getting on fine etc. What do you mean 'it's hard to get around her being able to read and understand things well above her emotional abilities'?
Why would you need to discuss that unless asked?

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 09/02/2012 23:33

Because it is difficult to judge! Why can't I ask for advice about a parenting problem?

She's not so good at some emotional stuff for her age anyway, and of course most four year olds find war, politics, death etc hard, because they are four. She can read and understand the words involved in these things individually - she knows what war is, she knows that people die (in the medical sense), but I don't really want her trying to make sense of newspaper headlines when she hasn't yet worked out taking turns in conversation or being polite beyond parrotting please and thankyou. And yes, her being generally clever in other areas is relevant because it gives a bigger picture of why her various other things are worrying in context.

Also, we chat about our kids on here. We share cute things they say, milestones they have reached, health problems they have, arguments they have with friends, things they like to do. It's not a competition, but why not talk about other things too?

WordsAreNoUseAtAll · 09/02/2012 23:39

For example, dd isn't fully dry in the day yet, and is nowhere near at night. If someone tells me their just two year old is fully dry, even though they are nearly three years younger than dd, I am happy for them.

I might feel a bit jealous on behalf of dd, and hope that she catches up, but that doesn't stop me being pleased for the two year old.

Now, change toilet training for reading, or counting, and why is it different?

Helltotheno · 09/02/2012 23:43

Firstly, I think for lots of people, it IS a competition, whether they care to admit to that or not.

Secondly, aren't you overthinking things a bit in your middle para above? Sounds like a regular kid to me, why not enjoy her and let her ... just be?

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