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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to let my sons 14 yr old gf sleep around even thou her mum is ok with it.

154 replies

littlejo67 · 09/02/2012 00:10

My son is 16 at the end of this month. His gf is 14. We are away next week for a night and he wants his gf to come around for a meal and sleep over. Apparently her mum is ok with this but I have yet to check this. Though even if her mum was ok I don't feel right about this. I found out that she has slept in the same bed as my son when I have been away before. So now I have to go away and realise that he may ignore my " no" and do it anyway. In a few weeks he will be 16 and then it will get worse, he could get in trouble with the police. They are way to young in my opinion.

Any one gone thru this before? Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 09/02/2012 20:51

Lost mtg virginity at 15 to a 17 year old. Was allowed to stay at his house. We went out for 2 years, we was lovely and treated me well. I never reported him for rape and neither did my mum!

AmberLeaf · 09/02/2012 20:52

i think parents know they are having sex but there is something more respectful about them sneaking around than rubbing parents face in it

I fail to see how sneaking around to have a sex life is respectful TBH

Why of why do some parents make it their lifes work to instill shame about sex in their offspring?

Spuddybean · 09/02/2012 21:01

amber it's not shame at all. I would never have expected to have sex in my parents house when i was 15! My parents have always had a healthy sex life and i don't feel odd about sex. I always spoke very honestly to them about sex and they said very honestly that i was not allowed boyfriends to stay. Yes i had sex in alleys, cars, toilets etc and it was all very fun and exciting and we felt very clandestine. I remember it fondly.

tbh i think the more permissive we are becoming as parents the more boring we are making our childrens teenage lives. They need to have something to rebel against. It is not okay to expect to have everything your own way at 15 yo.

bejeezus · 09/02/2012 21:05

I would MUCH rather my dd be having sex in my house, than an alley or a toilet. Don't care if it is boring for her

Original poster

littlejo67 · 09/02/2012 21:12

Personally I think you can judge maturity in your child or young person . He is 16 in two weeks, able to leave school and work full time and marry with consent. I see no problem with being 10 hours away. We live in a rural village with nice neighbours and his bio dad lives 45 mins away if there was an emergency.

Yes I could force him to come with us and I am sure he would but after a battle of words. This would create a bad atmosphere while we are away. Nothing major just sulking probably and I could understand why- he would be upset.

Yes I know its my house but its his home. He certainly is not flaunting it and being disrespectful. If he was that sort of lad it would be easier for me. He is a lovely lad with lovely friends.

I have a close relationship with my son and I trust him, I am so proud of him. Though I realise that he is a teenager and they don`t always see the big picture. I feel protective towards his gf as well due to her age. If she was sixteen I think I would be ok with it.

Gf staying over night seems to be a statement proclaiming that they are having sex. Why is the overnight thing difficult? I feel uncomfortable, and others on this thread are horrified about the sleep over .

In reality they don`t have to wait till then. To stop it I would have to watch them in the house every time they come in!

Thanks for all your replies, its made me think a lot. There are lots of opinions out there.

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 09/02/2012 21:12

but you don't really get to choose what she does at that age. All we can do is make our decisions based and let teens know we are there for help.

I knew loads of friends whose liberal parents found themselves browbeaten into allowing partners to stay based on that argument. It's blackmail really. Before they knew it one night stands were brought back after clubs and loud sex was happening. Out of all my close friends i am the only one who didn't have an abortion.

And even when i had boyfriends houses i could stay at - we still shagged in the alley!

bobbledunk · 09/02/2012 21:25

He could get into trouble because of her being underage, he needs to understand that.

GnomeDePlume · 09/02/2012 21:43

OP I have to wonder just how mature your son is if he is interested in a 14 year old girl. Yes, in a short while he will be old enough to leave school etc but the girl still has two years before she can claim such rights. She is still a school girl (and your son is still a school boy).

One of the many pieces of advice I have given my DCs is that while an unplanned pregnancy isnt the end of the world, it is the end of a world. It is the end of a carefree life, it is the end of childhood, parent first, teenager a long way second. Sex is for making babies, never more so than during the teenage years just at the time when teenagers are impulsive and shortsighted.

The issue of staying overnight together is IMO different from sex. IMO sleeping together is a huge step and not one to be rushed at.

Given that you dont want to force your DS to come with you then I would be explaining to him in no uncertain terms that if his gf stays the night in your home that then it is without your permission and that it is a huge betrayal of trust. If I were to find that my trust had been betrayed in this way then he would be paying a huge penalty in terms of longterm removal of privileges.

My house, my rules.

Original poster

littlejo67 · 09/02/2012 21:53

"OP I have to wonder just how mature your son is if he is interested in a 14 year old girl".

He is one year above her at school!! 13 months different in age. How does that make him immature .

"Sex is for making babies" yes in a biological sense if you want to be reductionist about it and not look at the whole picture.

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 09/02/2012 22:00

Because, amberleaf, it's not about shame, it's about there being a time and a place. Sex is not shameful, on the contrary, it can be wonderful between loving adults and is an important part of a relationship. Note ADULTS.

I just don't buy the they'll do it anyway argument. A parents job is to protect their child and any parent who openly allows their underage child to have sex is not doing their job.

I would also be wary about leaving a 15 year old at home alone if there are issues you don't trust him about.

People forget that however grown up teenagers seem, they still NEED their parents to set standards and boundaries. Because if their parents don't care about what they do, who will?

2rebecca · 09/02/2012 22:02

I think this is an issue with 2 opposing camps that will never agree.
I think this is as far as this discussion is going to go littlejo. The range and intensity of opinion is not going to change.

suburbophobe · 09/02/2012 22:19

He is 16 in two weeks, able to leave school and work full time and marry with consent.

Isn't it witOUT (parental) consent?

Legally yes of course. But how many 16 year-olds do you know who are at that stage in life....

I wouldn't leave this as it is as I don't want to be "mum" to a teenage pregnancy....

You need to either sit them down for the talk or - I'd be draggin him along on the trip quite frankly. (interesting too, checking out a uni).

Have you had a chat with her mum? As the mother of a son SHE may be o.k. with it (WTF?!), I certainly wouldn't....

GnomeDePlume · 09/02/2012 22:40

That sex is for making babies is a biological fact is precisely what I was getting at. Taking any risks at all with contraception at young teenage has far more potential for unplanned consequences than at any other age - maximum fertility, minimum sense.

OP, I am trying to be understanding, my DCs are similar age. You think your DS is mature but even if he is, he is still only mature for a 15 year old school boy. At his age the difference between the years is massive. He still has compulsory education until June. His gf has another 3 years of compulsory education ahead of her.

UnderAverageJoe · 09/02/2012 23:13

Why must most of you assume that girlfriend staying the night = going to have sex? Your son must be sensible enough to know the implications, and to respect her and her wishes. I'm 15 and have slept in the same bed as my 15 year old boyfriend (of 14 months) before. We've not had sex at all yet, we just enjoy being close to each other because we love each other, and that is all it is.

UmmOfUmbridge · 09/02/2012 23:25

Nonononononono! Is my instinct.
I have an almost 16 year old son and there is zero chance in HELL he would be sleeping with anyone (especially an underage girl) in my house.

I say this as a woman who's Mum was very relaxed about me sleeping with my boyfriend aged 15 and I am a 32 year old mother to an almost 16 year old.

I completely understand your point of view but please please think about possible implications. Chances are everything will be fine, every teenager knows about condoms and birth control nowadays but the 'it won't happen to us' mentality is very much alive and kicking (as it was with me). If the gf were 16 then we would be having a different conversation, I would still say no to my DS but it would be less clear cut. This girl is underage. Her parents are being complete idiots imo My DD is 13 and wow... just wouldn't happen!

Feel a bit shit for you that it's being put on your shoulders tbh. Her parents should be more responsible!

bringbacksideburns · 09/02/2012 23:29

The fact he isn't giving you his GF's mother's phone number willingly, suggests to me that she most probably does not approve, or they have told her you will be in the house, or that she is staying with a friend.

If, as you say, you have a close relationship with him and trust him, then you simply tell him No because she's 14, a minor, and there will be no other Adults present in the house. I would also speak to her mother incase they fabricate a story - sorry, but i've been a teenager and that's what they do!

I'd give him the talk about acting responsibly and contraception too.

giraffes · 10/02/2012 01:02

just read your OP - while you trust him and feel he is mature, in your original post you say you think he is too young! I think that while you have a variety of responses, yanbu to think he is too young, and to be uncomfortable with this. And definitely definitely get in touch with the gf's parents!

bejeezus · 10/02/2012 04:23

They are not more likely to get pregnant by having sex inside your house/with your knowledge than by having secret sex outside

Just saying

cornishsue · 10/02/2012 05:00

Sex aside...

I am really quite shocked that a 15 year old boy will be alone for a day/night in the house. I have had 4 very stroppy teenagers who tried every trick in the book over the years, but I would never have left them overnight and if my trip was essential then I would have insisted they come with me. Sure they would have moaned or even lied, but at 15 if your parent says 'you are coming' then you go. I didn't even think it was legal to leave them overnight but the OP's DH will of course know that better than me. Maybe all my children were particularly immature, or maybe I am just too over protective, but the thought of a 15 year old alone all night would terrify me.

But to the OP, good luck whatever you decide. I had a 14 year old daughter with a 16 year old boyfriend, and it was quite a stressful time.

troisgarcons · 10/02/2012 05:55

I didn't even think it was legal to leave them overnight but the OP's DH will of course know that better than me.

Social services wont give a toss because he's 15. Sons mate was left alone for 6 weeks at 15, with barely any food and £10 "be be getting along with"whilst his mother trotted back off to Nigeria on "family business". The school reported it. SS were totally disinterested.

I was really quite disgusted at their apathy and the willingness to leave a 15yo to starve or shop lift in order to eat.

mummytime · 10/02/2012 06:18

My 15 nearly 16 year old often doesn't want to do things with the rest of us. However after an initial moan, he puts up with it. If I didn't insist he probably would rarely leave the house.
Sorry bt however nice the village etc. I think you are wrong to leave him alone whilst travelling with his big brother.
How do you know this "I'll have my girlfriend over" isn't a way of making you think twice about leaving him alone?

SardineQueen · 10/02/2012 07:43

Of course it's legal to leave a 15yo overnight, it is at the parent's discretion. Of course if anything goes wrong then you could get in trouble but as long as you could show that the decision you took was reasonable I'm sure it would be OK.

He is going to be 16 in 2 weeks FGS I can't believe anyone would think this was illegal.

SardineQueen · 10/02/2012 07:44

"How do you know this "I'll have my girlfriend over" isn't a way of making you think twice about leaving him alone?"

A cry for help? PLease don't leave me mummmeeeee

I've heard it all now.

SaraBellumHertz · 10/02/2012 08:28

A nearly 16 year old ought to be capable and mature enough to be left alone for a night and I am amazed how many people think otherwise.

The chances are that the pair will have sex regardless of your providing an empty house for the night so your concern should simply be that they do so safely.

And there is no offence of statutory rape.

And plenty of almost 15 year old girls have sexual relationships and don't end up damaged (I'm not even going to deal with the cry rape comments. Yuk)

bejeezus · 10/02/2012 08:46

I am wondering at the usefulness of a conversation about the pair having sex, with people who dint think a 16 year old boy should be on his own

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