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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to let my sons 14 yr old gf sleep around even thou her mum is ok with it.

154 replies

littlejo67 · 09/02/2012 00:10

My son is 16 at the end of this month. His gf is 14. We are away next week for a night and he wants his gf to come around for a meal and sleep over. Apparently her mum is ok with this but I have yet to check this. Though even if her mum was ok I don't feel right about this. I found out that she has slept in the same bed as my son when I have been away before. So now I have to go away and realise that he may ignore my " no" and do it anyway. In a few weeks he will be 16 and then it will get worse, he could get in trouble with the police. They are way to young in my opinion.

Any one gone thru this before? Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:
Slambang · 09/02/2012 18:21

Frankly I wouldn't be leave my 15 year old son on his own for a whole long day and night.

I wouldn't let a 14 year old friend stay the night when I wasn't there whether the friend was male or female.

I wouldn't let a 14 year old girlfriend stay the night even if I was there.

Tell the parents of gf that you do not give permission for her to stay the night and that if she enters your house while you are away it will be without your consent.

Spuddybean · 09/02/2012 18:53

Personally i would say no. I would also arrange for supervision or take him with you.

I also was sexually active at that age and my parents would never have allowed partners to stay. Although at the time my friends parents were very permissive and i thought my parents desperately unfair, i now totally agree with them and see how my friends had very little respect for their parents and were very entitled about having sex.

And i totally disagree with those who say they would rather they do it there than in a field. I would much rather my kids did that than expect to be able to have sex whenever they want. Not only is it a lot of fun and a rite of passage to furtively sneak somewhere to have teenage sex, it also show a level of respect to your parents, and demonstrates privacy; that you do not want them knowing about your sex life, and independence to make your own decisions.

I find it so odd how involved in teenagers sex lives parents are. Yes answer their questions and let them know you are there for help, but this is when they should be separating from you. We aren't their friends, we are their parents.

I think allowing your kids to have partners stay and have sex whenever they want is one of the reasons some children never leave home! i know it's what spurred me on to leave!!

mummytime · 09/02/2012 19:00

I would contact the university and the train company to get your older son the support he will need. Then get him to go by himself, it's a right of passage. I am dyspraxia, and managed both to catch a train going in the wrong direction, and walk out of Liverpool station in the wrong direction, but I still got offers from everywhere, and grew up a lot.
Your younger son is too young, and cannot be left alone, however "mature" you think he is because he doesn't have his brother's disability

cocolepew · 09/02/2012 19:06

My 14 yo dd is lying on the floor drawing pictures of Harry potter. I could never imagine her in this situation!

marriedinwhite · 09/02/2012 19:11

I haven't read all the thread, just the first page. If three of you are driving to the uni, I wouldn't be leaving the 16 year old at all, I would be taking him along too.

Girlfriend or no girlfriend, I wouldn't leave a 16 year on his own whilst the rest of us went a 10 hour drive away. Said as the parent of a 17 year old and a 13 year old.

FabbyChic · 09/02/2012 19:11

See I would have allowed my 16 year old son to stay home alone in the house with whoever he wanted, why? Because of trust, because he knows how devastating it would be to have a child at 16 and would ruin his life.

Not ALL kids are irresponsible and not all kids are interested in sex.

Whether she stays overnight or not they can if they wanted have sex during the day, not everyone waits until it is dark.

The main thing is to talk to BOTH of them with regards protection no matter what you try and enforce it will not matter, educate them so if they do it they are prepared.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 09/02/2012 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TuesdayNightClub · 09/02/2012 19:19

Can you go to the uni day with your older son, and your DP stay at home with younger son? Am I right in thinking your DP is his step-dad? (or other way around) Why are both parents going? (sorry if I missed your explanation of that)

Otherwise, no I would not leave him alone for that length of time.

Chubfuddler · 09/02/2012 19:21

I just find it utterly bizarre that your 15 year old son seems to be ruling the roost. You gave said "you gave to stay with so and so while db and I are away" and he has basically said "no thanks, I'll stay here and fuck my 14 year old girlfriend in your house".

I was sexually active at that age but I can't imagine having been so blatant. It's disrespectful in the extreme.

BanditoShipman · 09/02/2012 19:23

you're insane Shock She's 14. 14. Jesus. If her own mother is too shit to safeguard her interests the least you can do is try. And as for him not giving you the mum's number?? He's 15, make him give it you, or make him go with you to the uni trip.

alemci · 09/02/2012 19:24

No not a good idea. GF is too young and the tempation is there to have sex if you are away even if that is not his intention.

FizzyLaces · 09/02/2012 19:33

I can't believe her mother knows. No chance would any decent mum allow this.

2rebecca · 09/02/2012 19:42

No way. She is 2 years underage. At 15 I would be discouraging my son from having a relationship with a girl this young and reinforcing that sex with her is rape, teenage girls are rubbsih at contraception and he doesn't want to be paying for 18 years for a kid he isn't allowed to see long after the relationship with this girl is finished. I'm not keen on kids having serious relationships until they are 17 or 18.
I probably couldn't stop him seeing her but would do nothing to encourage the relationship.

2rebecca · 09/02/2012 19:43

I agree that with him having raised the issue of sleeping with this girl I would either make him come with us or one of us would stay with him.

Doilooklikeatourist · 09/02/2012 19:45

I must be living in a parallel universe .
I have a 16 year old son and a 14 year old daughter . There is no way on earth she would be staying the night at a boys house , even if the parents were there .
My son was left home alone , was allowed a couple of friends to stay had a few more than agreed and got in trouble for playing with fire in the car park .
The girls mother is a fool , or is being lied to , she needs to know what's going on will not be going on

mazza201 · 09/02/2012 20:01

Daft question. At what age is it 'legal' to leave a child on its' own ?
I have a niece who let her grls Bfs sleep over at 15/16. On questioning thhis she maintained that the couples were not engaged in sexual activity but because they were allowed this intimate relationship (comfort companionship company) it would r-affirm the relationship and delay sexual experimentation. I really need to catch up with the girls to find out, if in reality , it worked!
I had another gf who let her daughter have the BF sleep over when she was 16 on the grounds that she had sex at 16 ( and so did I) and why would she not let her daughter enjoy it in her own bed rather than in a car or an alley ! I just thought that the earlier a girl had sex.. the more partners she was more likely to have, the less likely she will equate love and lasting faithfulness with sex. old fashioned or what ?

SnapesMistress · 09/02/2012 20:12

I lost my virginity at 14 to an 18 yr old who then buggared off and I never saw him again. He was a twat but I did not regret it, was not damaged by it and did not report him, why would I when I had agreed to it?

Not that I would personally let her stay over but some people are being very hysterical on this thread.

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 20:17

"At 15 I would be discouraging my son from having a relationship with a girl this young and reinforcing that sex with her is rape, teenage girls are rubbsih at contraception and he doesn't want to be paying for 18 years for a kid he isn't allowed to see long after the relationship with this girl is finished"

Um
Sex with her is not rape
Teenage girls are not "rubbish at contraception" - some may be many aren't
And surely contraception is not just the girls responsibility
If she got pregnant chances are she'd have an abortion
Not sure why you think if she had a baby she wouldn't let him see it Confused Yet while she is (randomly) preventing him seeing his child he will pay lots of child support (most NRPs don't) ie you have assumed the girl is awful and the boy is lovely

What an awful lot of anti-female sentiment to get into one short sentance!

This thread has brought out some right corkers Hmm

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 20:18

Incidentally I stayed on my own from age 16 when my parents went on holiday as I didn't want to go with them. Obviously it depends on maturity of child but a blanket statement "it's too young" seems overly cautious to me.

AmberLeaf · 09/02/2012 20:22

I would have to speak to the girls mum whatever my decision was about them staying there.

But seriously...all these people that think teen sex only happens at night in a bed!

My mum was really strict and didnt want my BF alone with me in my room or to stay over the night [we were both 16]

It was ridiculous as we used to shag during the day mainly!

People should pay attention to SardineQueens posts.

2rebecca · 09/02/2012 20:27

I was assuming that like the OP I was the mother of the son in which case my sympathies would be with my son. If i was the girl's mother I wouldn't want her having a relatonship with a boy nearly 2 years older than her, and definitely wouldn't want her sleeping with him.

Spuddybean · 09/02/2012 20:32

amber i don't think that's the case at all, i think parents know they are having sex but there is something more respectful about them sneaking around than rubbing parents face in it. My parents knew i was having sex, but i would never have expected them to let my boyfriend stay over when i was 15. I was discreet.

I may know my teenagers are having sex but i wouldn't allow it in my home at that age.

troisgarcons · 09/02/2012 20:36

I've always thought parents with a 'not under my roof' approach are silly and naive but that's when they won't let bf/gfs stay in the same room when everyone is over 18.

Not in my house they wont! For starters I have younger children and they certainly dont need to see some slept-in-the-night-before effort at the breakfast table. But more importantly I don't want to stare at some old doxy either.

My mother didnt allow it. I don't allow it. OMG I'm a 1950's HW!!!!! shock, horror, I have some standards.

bejeezus · 09/02/2012 20:46

I left home not long after my 16th birthday! Can't believe general consensus is not to leave a 16 year old over night

14 is young, but if they are going to have sex, they really really dint need a bed or for it to be night time. I would have a open discussion with girls mum and see what your gut feeling is after that

bejeezus · 09/02/2012 20:51

Lost mtg virginity at 15 to a 17 year old. Was allowed to stay at his house. We went out for 2 years, we was lovely and treated me well. I never reported him for rape and neither did my mum!