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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to let my sons 14 yr old gf sleep around even thou her mum is ok with it.

154 replies

littlejo67 · 09/02/2012 00:10

My son is 16 at the end of this month. His gf is 14. We are away next week for a night and he wants his gf to come around for a meal and sleep over. Apparently her mum is ok with this but I have yet to check this. Though even if her mum was ok I don't feel right about this. I found out that she has slept in the same bed as my son when I have been away before. So now I have to go away and realise that he may ignore my " no" and do it anyway. In a few weeks he will be 16 and then it will get worse, he could get in trouble with the police. They are way to young in my opinion.

Any one gone thru this before? Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:
frumpet · 09/02/2012 12:41

Just as an aside , i left my 17 year whilst the rest of us went on holiday , he was to stay at my parents over night ,but could spend time here when he got back from school. I walked in from getting back from the holiday and it took me well over an hour to wash up , had to put the dishwasher on a hot wash before using it as it was full of mould ! So regardless of the sex thing , ring the gf's mother as i bet they are planning on telling her she is staying somewhere else , DONT LEAVE HIM

frumpet · 09/02/2012 12:48

Oh and dont get gf's phone number from him/her , get it from the phone book , if they say they are ex directory , go round .

Pandemoniaa · 09/02/2012 12:50

ds2 was having sex with his girlfriend when they were both 15. I learnt this from jealous ds1 who thought it was "only responsible to tell you. Mum".

Admittedly they were both only a couple of months away from their 16th birthday and also, I wasn't morally offended but, when discussing things with ds2, as well as the under-age issues, I hoped that they were absolutely certain that they were ready to be in a sexual relationship. I also stressed the need to take effective precautions against pregnancy and ds2 assured me that this was the case.

Importantly, and relevantly to this thread, I was really concerned that she was under-age and also knew that her parents would be far from thrilled if I enabled their sexual relationship while she was only 15. So while it probably didn't stop them having sex, I did not permit them to sleep together at my house until after their 16th birthdays.

I'm fairly amazed at any mother of a 14 year old girl being happy about her having sex. Let alone be offered a free parental house for the weekend to enable it and certainly, while we were all liberal parents, none of my friends with daughters would have tolerated the idea either. However, it is down to the OP to take the responsible stance here and I'd strongly advise against allowing her son to have the house to himself. As well as the sex there's almost certainly going to be one helluva party in it!

giraffes · 09/02/2012 13:00

for op and other parents of teens - i wonder do you think it would be a good idea to get to know the gf's parents a little, so you can have some sort of consensus about what is acceptable to you all? It seems risky (in lots of ways incl. emotionally) to have sex at 14.

hackmum · 09/02/2012 13:00

No, you shouldn't agree to it:

  1. It's illegal.
  2. She may get pregnant - ready to be a granny yet?
  3. You haven't spoken to her mum, who may turn out to be really pissed off that her daughter is spending the night with your son.
  4. It's unethical. If you had a 14-year old daughter, would you let her spend the night with her boyfriend?

I wouldn't leave him in the house on his own. Let your DH take your elder DS, stay at home yourself and make sure he spends the evening revising for his GCSEs.

giraffes · 09/02/2012 13:03

hackmum - yes, all that

FourThousandHoles · 09/02/2012 13:10

I would either take him with you or find him somewhere to stay (mate's house? grandparents?)

theworldaccordingtome · 09/02/2012 14:41

This is illegal at their current ages and becomes worse when he turns 16 because he will be having sex with a child! This is a sex offence! Sit him down and explain to him the potential consequences of being a sex offender.
All it would take would be for her mum/dad to be really angry about this and report him.

mrsjay · 09/02/2012 14:57

Aside from the underage sex I just dont think its the best idea to leave a 16 and 14 year old overnight , I would be checking the parents know you wont be there that she has said that she is staying at Bfs house and not some mates , Op the both coulc be spinning you a yarn ,

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 09/02/2012 14:59

Oh mopbucket sorry to hear that, I think you must be local to me as the same story was in our local news.

DCgirl · 09/02/2012 15:02

I lost my virginity at the age of 15 and really regretted it. I agree with the posters who've said that you have a responsibility to this girl, to do the thinking for her she isn't mature enough to do for herself. I actually think the best thing would be to encourage your son to end his relationship with her if the relationship has turned or looks like it's going to turn sexual. Not to ban them from seeing each other - they'll just go behind your back - but to try and get him to see that continuing with it isn't a good idea, that he should go out with girls his own age. You may have already done this but I would also talk to him about how girls tend to view sex differently from boys and try to impress upon him how he could potentially hurt this girl very badly.

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/02/2012 15:05

Why do you need to take him to the interview, isnt he old enough to go himself?

Can you take the 16 yo with you?

yellowraincoat · 09/02/2012 15:09

How old's his brother? I'd be sending him to the university interview on his own (and honestly cannot understand this total over-involvement parents have in their children's university lives).

At 14, you son could get into serious trouble. I wouldn't be leaving him alone if he is dim enough to think this is a good idea.

yellowraincoat · 09/02/2012 15:09

I mean her being 14, obv.

Chubfuddler · 09/02/2012 15:16

I agree with sardine queen about all the rape myth bollocks being spouted

But I also don't understand why the elder child needs to be taken to the university interview. That's what trains or coaches are for. If he's supposed to be going to university in September he ought to be capable of getting himself to an interview.

mopbucket · 09/02/2012 16:44

Fedup were in Preston x

duchesse · 09/02/2012 16:48

You are perfectly, utterly, sensibly within your rights to refuse this. She is distinctly underage (in fact they both are still if your son's still 15) and if her own parents will not look after her interests, it's brilliant that you are.

I think you need to have a big long conversation with your DS about what the law is, what it means for him as soon as he turns 16 and advise him how he can avoid getting into biiiiig trouble. Maybe he can lead the way and be sensible about this (or maybe not...). But I do think they both need to be aware that it is a) not sensible and b) frankly illegal and that you refuse to condone a crime being committed.

DilysPrice · 09/02/2012 17:09

Your DS being accused or convicted of a sexual offence = extremely unlikely.
DS's girlfriend getting pg = much more likely.
"make sure they use a condom" has a failure rate of roughly 15% in typical use over the course of a year - and virgin teens are probably worse than typical users.

Original poster
littlejo67 · 09/02/2012 17:36

Just got in from work and seen all the replies- thanks everyone. The reason I am taking ds1 to uni is that he is deaf and is socially an emotionally immature due to this. Public transport is too scary for him lots of changes etc. Ds2 nearly 16 is very mature for his age. So eldest son needs me the most. No grandparents to help out and ds2 refusing to come with us or sleep at anyone else's house. I am struggling to get a phone number for gfs mother from him, but i will hunt it down as I know her surname and village. Tricky teenagers arnt they!

OP posts:
Triggles · 09/02/2012 18:00

So he's (your 16yo) refusing to be cooperative about the weekend, and you think he's mature? Hmm

Hulababy · 09/02/2012 18:04

I wouldn't condone it. If you say you are happy for it then you are condoning him breaking the law and having sex with a minor.
If she or her parents decide to at a later date he could get into a lot of trouble.

I'd say no.
Make sure he knows where he stands in terms of the law, and that he also knows about protection too.

Yes, they may well go ahead anyway, but at least you have not agreed it is ok.

mollymole · 09/02/2012 18:07

Is there any reason that you cannot take the younger boy along with you (and, being the parent, you could actually insist that he does come with you).

Triggles · 09/02/2012 18:10

As his parent, I think you would simply need to lay down the law and tell him he IS going with you, and that's final.

Hulababy · 09/02/2012 18:10

DS2 is 15y isn't he? Therefore, he does as he is told. If you tell him he is to come with you, then he does it surely?

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/02/2012 18:17

I am sorry, but a 16 year old is still a child, and there is no way I would let my son (although my eldest is only 9 so I have no idea what is in store for me. But there is now way my sister would let her 17 year old daughter stay home alone when mum goes away) dictate what is happening in this regards. Clearly he wants to stay home and sleep with girlfriend, but she IS underage and he isnt. Difficult though.

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