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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to let my sons 14 yr old gf sleep around even thou her mum is ok with it.

154 replies

littlejo67 · 09/02/2012 00:10

My son is 16 at the end of this month. His gf is 14. We are away next week for a night and he wants his gf to come around for a meal and sleep over. Apparently her mum is ok with this but I have yet to check this. Though even if her mum was ok I don't feel right about this. I found out that she has slept in the same bed as my son when I have been away before. So now I have to go away and realise that he may ignore my " no" and do it anyway. In a few weeks he will be 16 and then it will get worse, he could get in trouble with the police. They are way to young in my opinion.

Any one gone thru this before? Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:

Heyyyho · 09/02/2012 09:23

at "cry rape" comment...

I really would not be enabling this situation. She is 14 and that is v young. Her Mother is being extremely foolish.
Just because they are "going to do it anyway" doesn't mean you have to enable them to do so in your house.

mopbucket · 09/02/2012 09:26

To be honest i would be taking both my sons with me. If its a 10 hr trip and i had no family near would mean if anythink should happen to my son it would take me 10 hrs to get to him (just feeling very upset anyway at the mo as ds1 friend suddely died aged 16 on saturday of a heart attack, young and fit and played football every week)

If i couldnt take son then i would be more than happy for gf to stay over as if anything happed her parents would be there

Hullygully · 09/02/2012 09:26

I would say no, it's illegal, I can't condone it

But if you are going to, please wear a condom

aldiwhore · 09/02/2012 09:27

They probably are going to have sex, they'll probably do it somewhere with or without your permission, but that doesn't mean its okay to do absolutely nothing as regards laying down rules!

There's only so much you can do LittleJo but you must speak with his gf's parents. I wouldn't take the 'not in my house' approach but explain to your son that you have these rules for a reason, and the reason is she's underage (even if she's active).

I don't envy you. I would ask gf's parents to collect her at a reasonable time, the romantic meal sounds very sweet.

toddlerama · 09/02/2012 09:30

SardineQueen - "cry rape" sounds like she would be lying. She wouldn't be. It is statutory rape. A 14 yr old is not considered capable of giving informed consent. Some might be, but many aren't and many regret sex they 'consented' to at a young age because they simply couldn't articulate their true feelings about that level of intimacy. The OPs son is nearly 16. He is older by at least one, possibly two school years.

OP, if you can't trust to him in your house alone, don't leave him in your house alone. Take him with you or get someone else to stay with him. It's your house, not his.

LeBOF · 09/02/2012 09:35

I'm so sorry mopbucket- what an awful shock . The same think happened to my cousin when he was 17, it was cardiomyopathy, I think, and it struck his family and friends like a bolt from the blue. It really makes you so conscious of how precious and vulnerable your loved teenagers are, doesn't it? Despite all the challenges they can throw at us.

mrsjay · 09/02/2012 09:36

nope she is a minor isnt she so if anything happened to her staying at your your son would be responsible for her. I wouldnt care if they are having sex already or about to , she is 14 , dont enable it iyswim , I wouldnt let my recently 14 yr old daughter stay at her 16 yr old boyfriends house alone , infact i wouldnt let a 14 year old stay alone over night , I amybe strict and not down with the kids

mrsjay · 09/02/2012 09:36

i am maybe*

mrsjay · 09/02/2012 09:40

there is so much in the media and on forums about children growing up too fast these days , Its situations like this that teens are infact growing up far to fast

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 09:41

"SardineQueen - "cry rape" sounds like she would be lying. She wouldn't be. It is statutory rape. "

This is simply untrue.

There is no such crime as statutory rape in the UK.

The age at which a child is deemed unable to give informed consent is under 13.

If you like I can link the appropriate sections of the sexual offences act?

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 09:42

here

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 09:43

Also here is very informative.

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 09:44

"Those accused of child rape can no longer argue that the child consented. Any sexual intercourse with a child under 13 will be treated as rape. Other non-consensual offences against children under 13 are sexual assault by penetration, sexual assault, and causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity."

"The age of consent is 16. Because children can and do abuse and exploit other children, the Act makes it an offence for children under 16 to engage in sexual activity, to protect children who are victims.

However, children of the same or similar age are highly unlikely to be prosecuted for engaging in sexual activity, where the activity is mutually agreed and there is no abuse or exploitation.

The Crown Prosecution Service has issued guidance to prosecutors, which sets out the criteria they should consider when deciding whether or not it is in the public interest to bring a prosecution."

HTH

lottiegb · 09/02/2012 09:45

Wow, to me this is so obviously unacceptable that the question surprises me.

I've always thought parents with a 'not under my roof' approach are silly and naive but that's when they won't let bf/gfs stay in the same room when everyone is over 18.

At 17 I was certainly mature enough to get myself to an interview on the train and wouldn't have thought of involving my parents in any of my university visits or interviews. Is it that you want to see the place?

At 14 no-one I knew would have been allowed to stay over at a bf/gf's and very few were really having sex. At 16 - that is when both were at least 16 - more were and some parents allowed staying over, recognising their semi-adult status.

So, unless your 18yo is very immature (in which case maybe he needs some time out before university?) and your 16yo very mature (in a super-human, abstinance-mad way), I don't understand your priorities.

Could you: take the younger son with you? Talk to the gf's mother to find out what she really thinks and make clear that you have rules in your house? Make sure a lift home is arranged for the girl and check it's happened? Ask an adult to look in (party is a possibility)?

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 09:47

Given the appalling statistics for rape conviction in this country, do people seriously believe that if a woman walks into a police station and complains that her 14yo daughter has had consensual sex with her 16yo boyfriend, he will be arrested charged and imprisoned?

I find it hard to understand why people think this is a likely scenario.

cheekyseamonkey · 09/02/2012 10:19

Charge or conviction is extremely unlikely, but it can be emotionally damaging for all involved. As this discussion has shown, many people are unclear re the law.

Basically I guess the question boils down to whether you'd be happy for them to have sex in your house in your absence. If there's any doubt, then no, yanbu.

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 10:26

Oh come off it.

The scenario as follows

Girl and boy have consensual sex.

Girl then goes and reports it to the police. WHY? Teenaged girls do not normally go to the police after having consensual sex. This is a RAPE MYTH ie that women lie and are vicious and like getting males into trouble for no reason whasoever

Alternative proposal. Girls mother goes to police. This assumes that 1. girl has told mother she is having sex (not something many teenagers told their mothers in my day) AND that mother decides to go to the police about it rather than dealing with it herself as she sees fit which is really bloody unlikely. How many grown women decide to get perfectly ordinary young men in the shit because they have had consensual sex? That is not a normal reaction AT ALL and I would be surprised if you could find many people on MN who had reported boys of 14, 15 or 16 for having sex with their 14 year old daughter.

So basically he's not going to be reported by anyone.

And even if he was, nothing's going to happen.

The amount of rape myths on this thread is unbelievable, and the lack of knowledge of the law mind-boggling, and the ideas about what normal people do in the course of their everyday lives just weird.

Normal people do not go around reporting each other for rape the whole time, when there has been consensual sex. It is a rape myth.

cheekyseamonkey · 09/02/2012 10:28

Normal people don't, wounded 14 year olds can. FACT.

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 10:42

What makes you think she's going to be "wounded"?
What makes you think that although she can, she will?
Females in the UK don't usually report rape when it happens to them, let alone consensual sex.
The idea of all these vicious, malicious females who are just gagging to get males in the shit for consensual sex is a rape myth.

SardineQueen · 09/02/2012 10:45

What is far more likely is that this is a perfectly nice, normal 16 yo boy with a perfectly nice, normal 14 yo girlfriend who will have a perfectly nice, normal teenage relationship (with or without sex) and who may go out for a while, or may not. And everything will be fine and dandy and exactly as it has been for generations.

I think some people on here watch too many soaps TBH.

NorthernWreck · 09/02/2012 11:02

Ooh, no way would I be leaving a just 16 year old boy in my house all night. The whole house will be crammed with spotty youth spilling cider all over the place.
And your ds is totally hoping to get his end away and his GF has told her mum she is going to stay at a girlfriends house.
Speak to GF's mum and check whether she really is OK with her 14 year old staying with her boyfriend. I bet she has no idea.

Arrange somewhere else for ds to stay if you really have to be away for the night, and make step dad have a frank talk with him all about the full horror having to look after babies, and the sensible use of condoms.

You can't stop them doing it if they are really determined, but you don't have to make it easier for them, and it is really important that ds is aware of the risks.

badtasteflump · 09/02/2012 11:03

Jeez my eldest is not much younger than your DS and I wouldn't let him stay at home overnight on his own anyway, let alone with a GF (he hasn't got one yet, thank god - still way too shy and mumbly and obsessed with playing video games with his mates - happy days!). I know all children are different but I don't think my DS would want to be at home overnight on his own anyway.

When he gets to 16 I realise he may be having sex, and possibly in his bedroom if he gets the chance - but that is a world away from letting a GF sleep with him overnight. Maybe it seems worse to me because DS has much younger siblings - it would seem wrong to me for them to see girls coming out of his bedroom in the morning. I also think it makes a relationship seem much more serious than it should be when you're a teenager. What's wrong with going home at the end of the night FFS? The mother of the 14 year old sounds nuts, IMO.

God I feel old now....

badtasteflump · 09/02/2012 11:05

And that's without thinking about how my DH would react to the idea .

Yes we are a pair of real old farts. But I don't care

mayslipsremoded · 09/02/2012 11:18

Maybe they'll have a party and advertise it on fb. You could be on the telly. Where do you live?

(I would not leave a nearly 16 year old alone in the house regardless of the sleeping with gf issue. If I were you I'd take him with you, or I'd stay with him and send the uni-visiting child off alone. I did all my uni visits solo and some were at the far end of the country.)

stopthecavalry · 09/02/2012 12:00

I too am wondering why the older brother can't get up to the interview on his own so that the younger brother is not left unsupervised. The older one is off to Uni soon and should be more independent. I do think more attention needs to be paid to priorities.

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