Not going to see MIL. AIBU?

[clicarhel]

Dh and myself have been married a few years now (no dc's as yet). Anyway, his widowed mother lives 70 miles away so we only see her a few times a year (although in her early 70's, she is very active) when she visits us.
It is an open secret that we do not get on. She dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. We're too polite to actually say that we dislike each other but it is obvious.

Dh wants to visit her in the next few months. I suggested that given our mutual dislike, some excuse could be found so that he visited her alone (it would only be for one day. He can't tolerate her for longer himself!). I see it as a 'win-win' situation. He can spend time with his mum alone, we can have a break from each other, she doesn't have to see me and vice versa. But, no, according to him she would be 'put out' by my not being there.

I just don't get it. We can't stand each other. AIBU? If not, how can I get my dh to see sense? It wouldn't be something I avoided ALL the time, just now and again. After all, I've got to be here when she visits us at our home.

Any mother has to accept that they are never going to be number one again, once their own child has a partner and/or children. It is the way it should be and there would be less trouble if women understood it from the start and let go gradually.
The parent's job is to give them roots and give them wings-accepting that they might use them to emigrate to New Zealand! If you do it well they will want to fly back and see you!

Normal women who become mils are only too happy that their son has found somebody to care for them and happy to be now in 2nd place.

I wouldn't agree with this - in many cases no one is good enough for beloved son but they have to compromise and over time accept it.

Start accepting it when the DS is a small DC, you won't like all his friends at 12yrs, you probably won't like some of his girlfriends and the odds are that you might not like his wife. If you work on the fact that she might not be your choice, but you will support him, then it will just be a lovely surprise to get one you like!

Must say mil does sound v spiteful.

I wonder why- why does she need to deliberately wind you up.

If you can work out why she is like this (does she have siblings you can speak to) you will be better able to ignore it. If she is like this to everyone she will be short of real friends.

exoticfruits you put that so lovely, about the roots and the wings. both DH parents and my parents must have done a great job as i see my mum about 2 to 3 times a week usually and DH sees his mum and dad every week. hopefully it will be the same with our kids.

it never seems to be an issue between mothers and daughters on here does it? although in my "real life" i know 2 daughters who have completely cut their mother off, yet i don't know any sons who have done the same to their mother.

If you go in the relationships board, there are loads of women estranged from or struggling desperately with their mothers.

My sil wanted nothing to do with her mother, my mil for a very long time. Even now she only sees her four or five times a year.

I get on with my mum really well but seeing her several times a week would be weird. different strokes.

I think some women find it harder to let go of the parenting role than men do, and especially if they have been SAHMs struggle to put themselves in another role so tend to keep forcing their opinions on you and trying to make you do stuff their way and still wanting alot of attention from adult children who have left home.
I'm not sure whether they do this more from daughters or whether men living alone don't mind mum continuing to fuss around. Perhaps the men who do mind just move away.
Men are more likely to have worked and also more likely to have hobbies so are less likely to want to be involved in the minutiae of their adult offspring's lives.
The MIL here doesn't sound that interfering though as she is only seen every 2 or 3 months, although the lampshade thing makes it sound as though she expects other adults to "obey" her in a rather odd way. It sounds like the husband will never see his mum without his wife so it's really a couple problem, although MIL doesn't sound very likeable.