Not going to see MIL. AIBU?

[clicarhel]

Dh and myself have been married a few years now (no dc's as yet). Anyway, his widowed mother lives 70 miles away so we only see her a few times a year (although in her early 70's, she is very active) when she visits us.
It is an open secret that we do not get on. She dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. We're too polite to actually say that we dislike each other but it is obvious.

Dh wants to visit her in the next few months. I suggested that given our mutual dislike, some excuse could be found so that he visited her alone (it would only be for one day. He can't tolerate her for longer himself!). I see it as a 'win-win' situation. He can spend time with his mum alone, we can have a break from each other, she doesn't have to see me and vice versa. But, no, according to him she would be 'put out' by my not being there.

I just don't get it. We can't stand each other. AIBU? If not, how can I get my dh to see sense? It wouldn't be something I avoided ALL the time, just now and again. After all, I've got to be here when she visits us at our home.

oops , years .

if you make the decision to not go now, then that will stick and you wont be able to go again.

however should you ever have children, will you be ok with him going on his own with the children? as you may want to go then, and she may turn round and say you arnt welcome?

The OP has already said she'd go sometimes, just not all the time. And she's already said she'd be fine with her DH taking any future DCs. And why on earth do people think the OP's wish to not spend her time in the company of someone she doesn't get on with would make her spiteful to her DCs and DH? That's a huge jump - are you all so precious you think a mother should or generally would limit her DCs' social life based on her own personal likes?

Forrest, where my children go, I go. If my mil told me I wasn't to visit (not that she would)then my kids wouldn't be visiting either.

The OP isn't saying she never intends to see her mil ever again, only that she doesn't want to go every time her dh does, and why should she? The two women don't like each other. If children come along then both women have a duty to be civil to and about each other, for the children's sake. If, once dc are born, the mil said the dc could come but not the op, then that wouldn't be civil and in the op's position I wouldn't allow my kids anywhere near her.

I would suggest that you went on your own and actually got to know each other without DH around.

I would bet OP and MIL have never done anything alone. It surprises me how many people don't. DH didn't come alone-you get his family too.

Eh? So you marry someone you have to put up with rude behaviour from his relatives? I don't think so. Ridiculous pov that with martyr splashed all over it.

Op, visit your mil. Kill her with politeness and kindness. If she is vile (and she sounds like she had been), do not be afraid to pull her up on it.

The view that you should just accept rudeness or controlling behaviour is bonkers.

But AIBU threads often are crackers.

Lots of ott and presumptuous responses on here.

Where has she said she was rude? They are both too polite to say so. OP doesn't like her MIL-she assumes that MIL doesn't like her but we haven't heard from MIL. There are no instances of her being vile.
I have DSs and any future DIL will get me-I am not going away.

me and MIL dont like each other. Dh doesnt even like her (unsure of her feelings for him, if any). When we visits (Once, maybe twice a year) I go to show a united front and to support him. We come as a package, if she doesnt like me TOUGH!

DEEP SIGH

what i fail to understand is the husbands/partners of the women who dislike their mother's. usually in these threads (not this one as OP hasn't ever been rude to MIL's face or slagged her off to her DH - i don't think?) when DIL just doesn't seem to like MIL for no apparant reason (she must see her as a threat?) the partner/husband doesn't stick up for his mother, he just lets them get on with it. anything for a quiet life i suppose?

i get on well with my MIL, i love her, she is DD's grandmother and she is a good grandmother, however we are not friends. sometimes i'll ring her and the conversation is a little awkward, like she doesn't know what to say, other times we'll have a good gab like friends would and i always think "how lovely" their have been times in the past when she has gotten right on my nerves and overstepped boundaries. i have informed both MIL and DH how i've felt when these boundaries have been overstepped. DH has supported me as i have been in the right to be pissed off with the things she has done. however, if i just instantly disliked MIL and was rude or didn't let her visit for no reason other than seeing her as some sort of threat then DH would FLIP! that's his mother, the woman who raised him and he wouldn't stand for it.

sometimes the men i read about in these MIL threads are spineless. (again, not referring to this thread)

exoticfruits of course you're not going anywhere, of course your DIL will get you too and if i have a son then my DIL would be getting me too.

"I have DSs and any future DIL will get me-I am not going away"

This is absolutely not the point though, is it?

The point is that if you or dil are demanding, spoilt and petty with each other, then there's going to be a problem. I could never understand a gp who behaved in a demanding way of their adult children. Not that this happening in this case.

And I'm afraid, it's usually the mil that loses out.

I agree with you JingleMum. I think a lot of these problems are caused by the husbands not sticking up for the person (either mother or wife) who's been unfairly treated by the other.

My dh would also flip if I was nasty to his mum for no reason, and if he didn't, then he wouldn't be a man that I wanted to be married to. There are a lot of threads though, where the dh lets his parents walk all over the dil and does nothing to defend her or put her first in the relationship. this just sets up trouble and resentment for ever.

If both dil and mil show each other care and mutual respect, then I have to say that unless one of them is just horrible for the sake of it, then they will get on OK. Only people who take delight in upsetting others would wish to upset somebody who was kind and considerate of them.

It is usually the mil who loses out in a battle situation (mine's more of a cold war). The dil has access 24/7 to the husband, has the children, can 'accidentally' forget to relay messages. Simply put, the dil holds most of the cards.

Men tend to be driven by the need to reproduce and have sex. Sorry, that is the way it is.

karmabeliever completely agree, i wouldn't want to be married to a man that wouldn't defend his mother (if she was in the right)

i don't "get" MILs that want to walk all over their DILs. why? surely they will lose out in the end when DIL finally snaps. surely it's better for MIL to want a friendship with DIL, to respect her and welcome her as part of her family. i hope if i ever have a son that any future DIL i had would be my friend. but i'm one of those people that can adapt to any personality, i can get along more or less with anyone.

Usually it is because the mil has no male partner in her life, or, if she has, he does not fulfill her needs.
Normal women who become mils are only too happy that their son has found somebody to care for them and happy to be now in 2nd place. Not forgotten or mistreated, just in second position to wife now her son is married.

That's natural and the way it should be.

i wonder if FIL's feel like this with Son in law? or Son in laws feel like this about their FIL? why don't we ever hear of FIL/SIL battles?

clicarhel ok, fair enough, men probably are driven by the need to have sex and the DIL may hold more cards, but surely the vast majority also need their mum in their life along with their wife? when you say the MIL usually loses out in a battle situation do you mean she gets cut out of her son's life?

clicarhel didn't see your last post. i agree, once son is married then the wife should be number 1. i think that's nature at work. i do believe though, that if he marries a nasty person who instantly takes a dislike to his mother for no reason then he should make it clear in no uncertain terms that even though his wife comes first he won't put up with her mistreating his mother and insists she makes an effort.

personally i'd be happy to take second place as MIL, it's normal. i expect my husband to put me first so it's only fair. i am very family orientated though and would still want closeness with my son and DIL, without being overbearing.

No. I think -sorry for pop psychology, but I think there is truth in it- that men instinctively understand that other men also have the need to reproduce and have sex so I think they readily accept that their daughters will have another man who comes first in her life.

Yes, men do need mum and wife in their lives, but, in all honesty, should it come down to a 'her or me' situation, the mil will lose out. Think about it, the wife has the children, divorce is expensive, and there is need for permanent sexual partner.
It's not a nice position for any man to be in. This is why I wish to spend as little time with my mil as possible. The less time in her company, the less she winds me up (and me her). I don't want it to get to a 'me or her' scenario.

I'd be far happier if my dh said: 'I know you don't get on. We'll make an effort so that you hardly ever see her. But I'll visit her alone when I can'.

i do understand your point a little bit more now clicarhel i know it would be horrible for it to come to a her or me situation. i believe though, that my DH would refuse to choose. he loves us both so much, obviously though in totally different ways.

what does your husband say about you disliking his mother? does he "get it?
what will you do when children come along, have you thought about that?

He gets it. He has witnessed her unreasonable behaviour himself. It's trivial but she made me a birthday cake, yeah, very nice of her and all that but she rang me several times about what flavour I wanted. I said that I wanted a sponge cake. Told her it several times. She baked a fruit cake.

This sounds really trivial, I know. I didn't even want a cake from her.

When I first moved in with dh, she sent a birthday card to me with my name spelt incorrectly. I didn't give a monkey's, just made a mental note to tell her my name was wrong when I saw her next. I did so, she still sent card with the wrong name. I told her -politely- again. And she still got my name wrong.

She sort of does 'nice' things that make you look like the ungrateful party if you get upset by them.

He does defend me against her. Forced her to apologise on a number of occasions to me. She hates that. She has told him a few times: 'It's good that you defend your wife'. Meaning the opposite, of course.

I'm not planning to have dc's within the next 5 years. Best of plans and all that, but that is the plan.

it does sound trivial, but i can see it wouold annoy you if it happens frequently.

i only asked about the DC because i would think once they come along MIL will have to make more effort, as will you, if you want a stress free life. that's not to say you shouldn't stand up for yourself, i just mean you'd probably have to let the odd thing go for the sake of the kids.

i just don't understand why she would behave like this? deliberately being unreasonable. what does she think she will acheive?

She has to be number one all the time. That is why. She is captain of this that or the other. Has to be in charge of everybody around her. She cannot tolerate being 2nd to anybody. She really is quite nutty.

oh dear, well if that's the case then she is going to lose. once your kids grow up (male or female) you are not necessarily number 1 anymore, your kids are number 1 to you, but you are now second to them as i think nature dictates that your DIL or SIL and their kids are now number 1.

i personally couldn't stand that if that was my MIL. luckily, my MIL is fairly laid back and seems pretty happy to come 2nd (although she has tried to take over with DD but that's another story)

Not in her world. She still has to be number one. Her own daughter didn't speak to her for several years because she (my mil) thought it her right to constantly criticise her daughter's husband. Her daughter's husband has an excellent job, is kind, considerate and all round nice guy.