Not going to see MIL. AIBU?

[clicarhel]

Dh and myself have been married a few years now (no dc's as yet). Anyway, his widowed mother lives 70 miles away so we only see her a few times a year (although in her early 70's, she is very active) when she visits us.
It is an open secret that we do not get on. She dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. We're too polite to actually say that we dislike each other but it is obvious.

Dh wants to visit her in the next few months. I suggested that given our mutual dislike, some excuse could be found so that he visited her alone (it would only be for one day. He can't tolerate her for longer himself!). I see it as a 'win-win' situation. He can spend time with his mum alone, we can have a break from each other, she doesn't have to see me and vice versa. But, no, according to him she would be 'put out' by my not being there.

I just don't get it. We can't stand each other. AIBU? If not, how can I get my dh to see sense? It wouldn't be something I avoided ALL the time, just now and again. After all, I've got to be here when she visits us at our home.

Are you saying here that the chances are that a person of 74 will reach 94? Don't think so. I think you are talking nonsense. The odds are against it, not for.

No I said that actuarially speaking the chances of a woman whio is already aged 74 reaching 94 are greater than those of a younger woman. As I said (for the last time now) the older you get the higher your life expectancy. It is just statistics I will grant you. And it may not be as high as 94. As I also said I could look up the exact figure on an actuarial table but I can't be bothered.

But clearly, as others have said, you are speaking from the point of view of someone who has a smidgeon of wishful thinking going on and you may be justified FAIK, but it doesn't make what I said nonsense.

Must dash

I don't like her and the feeling is mutual, I ask this: what BENEFIT is there to my visiting her? She'd rather see her 'precious son' (who is only her precious son when she doesn't tell him that her son-in-law is better) alone and I'd rather it, too.

I am just absolutely flummoxed as to why anybody would think visiting her would be a 'good thing' for either of us unless it is for my dh's sake. There is no other reasonable answer.

There is no other reasonable answer.

Sarah resist the temptation to ask why OP has come on AIBU then. Resist. resist...oh soddit....

Well if you think that OP why did you come on AIBU in the first place?

To clarify my thoughts and, yes, I agree with those who say 'for dh's sake, maybe he needs mutual support if she is that bad'. But to those who say that it should be done for other reasons? Why?

Why would she want to spend time with me and vice versa unless we are both cruel people who enjoy making the other unhappy and on edge?

Blimey.

Do her a favour and don't go

Because she sees you as the gateway to the grandchildren, and as the new woman who is (at the moment) the challenge to her title of Family Matriarch.

So she wants to keep on seeing you so that she can carry on undermining/being rude etc. - letting you know that you are being Put In Your Place.

This is all so that over time, and certainly when babies arrive, she gets to carry on being controlling and bossy and gets to say what happens in the family. And hopefully gets to take over a bit with the grandkids.

That's the idea with the lamp - totally ridiculous situation, who gives a fig where your lamp goes - nobody, not her either - but what she does want is to be able to tell you what to do.

So yes you need to take notice of this and act on it. Either:

a. Go, see her, and carry on sticking up for yourself (and crucially, make your DH stand up for you too) - with a smile, let her know that she has met her match and if she wants happy grandma time, she needs to at least offer YOU and your family basic politeness;

b. Don't go, make it clear it's because you think she's rude - different approach, same message - be nice to me, have some BLOODY manners, or forget it.

Option C is what a lot of DILs choose - try and keep the peace and spend years in a pit or resentment at getting treated like shit and having their own decisions on their own homes and families overruled.

Disclaimer: No MIL-hater here- simply going on what the OP has said - sounds like this is one rude, pushy family member who has a bit of an agenda here and wants to portray herself as someone who gets to be rude to OP with no comeback. Knock that on the head, I say!

You started well with the lamp...

Oh and life expectancy - I'm going to go for 81, in the library, with the candlestick

I dont really like my MIL who is a bit boorish and has said some terrible things to me in the past (commenting that her DS marrying a divorced woman (me) was going to be like having a murderer in the family. Also when I was pg, stating that the baby wouldnt be like her 'real' grandchildren as was conceived through ivf.)

However, to support my husband and to keep good relations, I visit with him, chat to her about things she is interested in that I am not and generally keep a smile on my face and try my best (I am no saint either).

I do agree OP that if you cant do that with her, then probably best not to go (with the caveat that if your DH wants your support, as mine does, he hates going there, you probably should go as DH is definitely your family)

OP, you sound like very hard work. If those examples are the worst you come up with then i think you should consider yourself fortunate! Petty in the extreme... I can understand you disliking each other, fine - just don't go but don't put your husband in the position of making excuses etc. ring her yourself and explain. 70 miles away is practically no distance at all, my guess is that you use the distance as an excuse not to visit. Your husband could easily visit more often if he chose to and actually wanted to - I suspect he doesn't for fear of upsetting the applecart at home.

If her husband wants to see her more often, then no one is stopping him - it's not fair to blame the OP for the fact that he doesn't want to. OP hasn't said he can't go, only that she doesn't want to.

Perhaps it reflects more on the MIL than it does on the OP and her DH, that neither of them want to visit her.

Who cares about where a lamp should be put. I would have just put it where she suggested and then moved it to where I wanted it to be when she'd gone! She might have got her wires crossed about your grandmother and you not being close. Just go because you want to support your dh - if he wants you to go then go and support him. What's the issue? You have distance between you and it sounds maybe it's got a bit out of proportion? There have been things my mil has done like whispering with my sil on christmas day and I know there are things I do that wind my mil up, get over it! Isn't there that thing that all men look for their mother in their wife?

No-one could stop me visiting my father if I wanted to, why are people presuming cicarhel's husband is a spineless wimp? Why does everything have to be the woman's fault?

I don't move my furniture about to suit the whims of visiting relatives and am amazed some of you do. I would just say "I like it there" end of discussion. Being nice to people doesn't mean letting them walk all over you and rearrange your house.
Thankfully I have nice relatives who want to chat to me not rearrange my furniture.

It's pretty normal for people to be busy....so be busy.
I do this with MIL. Sometimes she comes to stay and I am out for the evening. She doesn't know I'm avoiding her (or if she does, she doesn't press the point).

not being funny here but if the dh sees the mother as hard work then obviously he finds it duty bound to go and wants a bit of support. Maybe he genuinely thinks there isn't a problem or he's hoping it will get sorted out in some way. I think you should go - you might have to end up looking after her one day!!

lisy, I think we can safely say that the OP won't be looking after her mil in her old age. That's a big ask, even when you like your mil.

I think people are missing the point when they say it's only a lamp, no big deal etc. It's a power struggle - the mil is attempting to dominate the Op in her own home. I think clicarhel was right to nip this in the bud, before MIL ups her game and starts making all kinds of demands.

Yes, as if I really give a toss about the lamp. . Flipping heck. It was her reaction that was ridiculous not mine. Yes, I appreciate it's a lamp, but what kind of person throws a wobbly when somebody says that they're going to put their lamp in their house as they wish?

And, for the record, there is no way that I am looking after this woman if she becomes ill. No way. Her daughters can do it.

Looking after somebody is best done by somebody who loves them. You HAVE to love them! I don't and never will love this woman.

lisylisylou. No offence but if you would be prepared to put an elderly person under the care of somebody who clearly dislikes them, then I do question your judgement. You'd really let a relative of yours be cared for by somebody who blatantly disliked them? Sorry, but that is just careless.

Luckily, my dh did get an apology (albeit forced) when she spread the lies about my gran. She nearly choked as she said 'sorry' but she said it all the same.
She does say that dh sticks up for me.

You say due to both of your mutual dislike and that he can only cope with her for one day so obviously your husband wants your support in you going. For heavens sake it's only one day and I'm sure your husband supports you sometimes even though he doesn't agree with you. There are relatives of mine my husband doesn't like and he supports me and vice versa. The best thing to show is a united front as at the moment she's clearly winning. She's already doing your head in and it will only get worse andl drive a massive wedge between you especially if and when you go onto have kids.

clicarhel I don't really understand why you've started this thread. You've obviously made up your mind. Some people support you, others don't. You seem determined to argue with people who don't agree with you. Why bother, if you've already made up your mind?

SarahDoctorIndyHouse has made the same point several times, in a very articulate manner, not sure why people are not reading what she's saying, although in your case it may be a bit of a red herring

presumably she is asking for the same reason any of us ask mumsnet about spats with our husbands over what they want us to do and we would prefer to do?
The only reason the OP should consider visiting someone she dislikes and who actively dislikes her back is to please her husband and even then, why should we do things we don't want to do just because our husbands want to?

why do so many people who aren't even MILs yet get so upset by these kinds of posts?

If my husband needs me for support, I'll go. It could be that he feels safer around her with me there and I should support him.

YuleingFanjo, they feel upset because they think that they will be mils one day. But, if they are reasonable people, unless their dil is a bitch, they'll be OK and all get on.

If any posters are worried about when they are mils, I think they will find that if they are nice, normal reasonable people who don't sulk or strop over silly things, it will all be fine.

I've never understood the "suck it up it's fahhhhhmily" attitude. I find that it gives license for even more poor behaviour.

However, go visit this once op. Benefit of doubt. If she is obnoxious at all use the MN classic, "Gosh, did you mean to sound so rude?" and pull her up on it.

If people strop, sulk and are rude, it's usually because they think they can get away with it. If you let them know they can't, then the relationship tends to improve.

Also, there are lots of posters on MN who automatically take the side of mils / dils regardless of the actual circumstances. Often using the classic line "but she'll be dead one day and then YOU'LL be sorry!" or "You'll be a mil one day!" which of course is a daft argument.

how OLD are you, OP?

JosieZ, The average age of death for women in Britain is 82. That's a fact. Not many people live past that age. This is not being nasty or vicious; it's just a fact of life for us in the UK. In some parts of the UK, it is younger than 82.

But you said your mother was an active 74 year old. If she isn't one of the 50% of the pop who are obese and is still active and fit she will probably live well into her 80s like my now deceased rellies. Life expectancy is rising so she will probably live longer than my deceased rellies.

It was always a 'duty' to visit my mil. However she was the mother of my DH and his siblings, my children's aunts and uncles, and we saw a reasonable amount of her and she is still v fond of me. The children have pleasant memories of Granny's visits and her delicious apple pies. Imo better that than being brought up on talk of 'the old bag' or how much you dislike her, how unreasonable she is. As you see her so seldom I would just bite my tongue and get on with it.

Granny is 90 this year btw.

Totall see our point Op , ive spent ears doing martyr visits and no one benefits .