Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to see MIL. AIBU?

158 replies

clicarhel · 06/02/2012 17:58

Dh and myself have been married a few years now (no dc's as yet). Anyway, his widowed mother lives 70 miles away so we only see her a few times a year (although in her early 70's, she is very active) when she visits us.
It is an open secret that we do not get on. She dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. We're too polite to actually say that we dislike each other but it is obvious.

Dh wants to visit her in the next few months. I suggested that given our mutual dislike, some excuse could be found so that he visited her alone (it would only be for one day. He can't tolerate her for longer himself!). I see it as a 'win-win' situation. He can spend time with his mum alone, we can have a break from each other, she doesn't have to see me and vice versa. But, no, according to him she would be 'put out' by my not being there.

I just don't get it. We can't stand each other. AIBU? If not, how can I get my dh to see sense? It wouldn't be something I avoided ALL the time, just now and again. After all, I've got to be here when she visits us at our home.

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/02/2012 08:18

Op, I can understand you not likeing her and I can understand you not wanting to visit her. But I can't understand why you wouldn't just do it if it's important for your dh that you go and it means something to him.

Original poster
clicarhel · 07/02/2012 10:18

JosieZ, The average age of death for women in Britain is 82. That's a fact. Not many people live past that age. This is not being nasty or vicious; it's just a fact of life for us in the UK. In some parts of the UK, it is younger than 82.

OP posts:
Original poster
clicarhel · 07/02/2012 10:19

There is no 'probably' about it. Statistically, you are incorrect.

OP posts:
duckdodgers · 07/02/2012 10:43

Why does she think her son-in-law has been a better son than your DH? And why does your DH visit at all if she is that much of a "bitch"?

I was quite sympathetic to you at first but you now come across as spiteful and childish, sitting wishing the hours away till your MIL dies. She is part of your family - clearly you dont think so - and I find people with this attitude really quite sad, shes your husbands Mother!

I would hate any of my children feel they have to visit me out of "duty" when Im older, I would liek to thnik they will visit because they love me.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 07/02/2012 10:51

The average age of death for women in Britain is 82
Statistically, you are incorrect.

Actually OP if I recall my actuarial training correctly (and tbh I may not!!) it's you who are incorrect.

The average 82 age is taken for ALL females. So it takes into account all of those who die before age 82 including those who die tragically young. I think the Institute of Actuaries (if they are still called that!) will confirm that the average age of death for women who are already 74 is well above 82.

HTH (and Josie I hope that is some comfort to you.)

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 07/02/2012 10:56

Sorry: that should of course be life expectancy rather than average age. What am I like Blush

Paiviaso · 07/02/2012 11:07

YANBU, there is no reason your husband can't go and visit his mother by himself for once - even if you all liked each other!

You are getting some very OTT reactions to your post!

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 07/02/2012 11:17

Oops, words of comforts should have been for Gettingalifenow

One day I will learn to multitask!

sunnydelight · 07/02/2012 11:18

YANBU, you're not joined at the hip.

Kayano · 07/02/2012 11:24

Lmao at a lampshade! Your attitude is pretty crap! How often does your DH see your family?

Original poster
clicarhel · 07/02/2012 12:00

Is my attitude to the lampshade crap? Confused Maybe I should let her dictate to me where I put things in my own home? Be a good little dil and let my mil tell me where I can or cannot put things in my OWN HOME (?!)
Instead of saying -IN A VERY POLITE WAY- 'I like your suggestion, but I think it would work better in that room' ? (which I did, btw).

She is the one who behaved totally unreasonably on that issue, not me.

OP posts:
gettingalifenow · 07/02/2012 12:00

Thanks Sarah!

It is inevitable that our own experiences will influence what we say to the OP, but even with that in mind, I'm dipping off here as I'm not sure anyone else's point of view is really being looked for here.....

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 07/02/2012 12:03

How long ago was Lampshadegate clicarhel ? Maybe you should work on getting over it especially as we now have established that statistically you probably have twenty plus years of it ahead of you

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 07/02/2012 12:04

You're much more mature (I don't mean in years!) than me Getting

Take care!

ShirleyO · 07/02/2012 12:06
Hmm

(i like doing that hmm face - it's so blimming RUDE)

Hmmitty face at you OP.

You remind me of someone but I can't quite put my finger on it!

fedupofnamechanging · 07/02/2012 12:25

The lampshade thing would have annoyed me too. If the OP has 20+ years of this to go, perhaps now is a good time to state what she does and doesn't want to do.

Would other people really let their MIL dictate where they put the furniture in their houses? I've read threads on here where posters have gone apeshit over IL's letting themselves in and rearranging cupboards. It's the same thing, no?

Original poster
clicarhel · 07/02/2012 13:02

Oh rubbish, living to 94 is not the norm in this country (she is 74, remember). Chances are that she will not live to that age. She might, of course, but nobody in their right mind would bet on it.

'Twenty years plus' my a*.

Thank you, karmabeliever, as if anybody here would tolerate their mil TELLING them (not suggesting in a helpful, nice way telling) them where to put their stuff!

It may seem trivial, but really, it is shocking when somebody behaves so unreasonably at such a thing. Not speaking to me, my dh having to soft soap her?! She is nuts.

OP posts:
SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 07/02/2012 13:12

Oh rubbish, living to 94 is not the norm in this country (she is 74, remember).

Give me strength....no one is saying that it is but you said that another poster was statistically incorrect to say that your MIL could expect to live longer than 82 and I was just pointing out that if we are talking statistics then your MiL has a measurably higher life expectancy than 82. It is an actuarial trusim that the longer you live the higher your life expectancy rises. So statistically your MiL (or any lady of 74) may reasonably expect to live to be 90 or so, however much she hates your lampshades.

I could look the exact figure up on an actuarial table but I'm buggered if I can be arsed (did you see what I did there Grin,) the point is valid so if you have loins Clicarhel I should prepare to gird them now. You have many years of strategically placing soft furnishings ahead of you Wink

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 07/02/2012 13:13

It doesn't sound so much like you 'just dislike each other' - it's more 'she has been really very rude to you on several occasions.'

If she were a lovely fluffy old lady who you just didn't like for no reason you could put your finger on I'd say you were being U, totally.

But she sounds horrid!

In that case, you've every right to refuse to go. But you should make it clear to your DH why, citing these several occasions where she's been totally out of order and you (though this is your version of events, of course :) ) have been polite in return.

You DON'T have to put up with being treated like shit by someone because they are family. Be cheerful as you point this out to your DH.

The fact that yes, if you have children then you should be prepared to faciliate them having a relationship with her is EVEN MORE reason to set your boundaries out now. Make it clear TO HER that if she's going to play stroppy lady, she will see less of you. That translates into not really being involved in her grandchildrens' lives. That if you're prepared to defy her, politely and decisively, over a lampshade, then you sure as hell aren't going to let her dictate to you about your kids.

If she has any sense, she will learn from you refusing to go and see her, and will tone it down a bit. Maybe even decide to climb off her high horse and have a go at getting on with you.

Some people are like that - you need to show them that you aren't going to let them push you around...then they're fine with you.

Original poster
clicarhel · 07/02/2012 13:14

I may I may not, but chances are that I won't.

OP posts:
SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 07/02/2012 13:16

Sorry, the chances (statistically) are that you will. Of course you may well cut off contact before the grim reaper does it for you, but that's another story.

Well I must go and tend to my dahlias. Such fun!

Original poster
clicarhel · 07/02/2012 13:19

Are you saying here that the chances are that a person of 74 will reach 94? Don't think so. I think you are talking nonsense. The odds are against it, not for.

OP posts:
YuleingFanjo · 07/02/2012 13:20

"As the mum of sons I think I will be hiding this thread, is it just me who's thinking what about the poor 70 year old lady."

oh stop it. You are not the mum of this particular son, you are the mum of your sons and presumably you won't be giving any future DILs reasons to dislike you.

I am the mum of a son and I don't think it naturally follows that people posting about their difficult relationships with in-laws on mumsnet = all dil/mil relationships are difficult.

Original poster
clicarhel · 07/02/2012 13:23

Exactly. Some people just cannot think straight about this issue. I am not saying that ALL dils and mils dislike each other. I've enough experience to realise that some adore each other. I've got on very well with the mothers of my exes in the past.

OP posts:
titchy · 07/02/2012 13:35

Google 'life expectancy'.... It is highly likely she will live a further 13 years. An equal chance she will live 14+ years or 12- years.

Just to solve that one.

A few times a year doesn;t seem much for what, an hour and a half drive? Hell it takes me longer to get to work - every day!

anyway whatever - go with him sometimes, without others.