Not going to see MIL. AIBU?

[clicarhel]

Dh and myself have been married a few years now (no dc's as yet). Anyway, his widowed mother lives 70 miles away so we only see her a few times a year (although in her early 70's, she is very active) when she visits us.
It is an open secret that we do not get on. She dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. We're too polite to actually say that we dislike each other but it is obvious.

Dh wants to visit her in the next few months. I suggested that given our mutual dislike, some excuse could be found so that he visited her alone (it would only be for one day. He can't tolerate her for longer himself!). I see it as a 'win-win' situation. He can spend time with his mum alone, we can have a break from each other, she doesn't have to see me and vice versa. But, no, according to him she would be 'put out' by my not being there.

I just don't get it. We can't stand each other. AIBU? If not, how can I get my dh to see sense? It wouldn't be something I avoided ALL the time, just now and again. After all, I've got to be here when she visits us at our home.

OP you sound horrid, sorry [shivers]

I'm with you, clicarhel. My mil is my husband's mother, my children's grandmother, but she is not my family.

And just because someone is related to you, it doesn't mean you have to put up with them, if you can't stand them and they feel the same way about you. Everyone is entitled to civility, when you do happen to meet at events you can't avoid but I honestly cannot see the point of duty visits.

I have 3 sons and when they are grown, I would be happy to see them without their spouses sometimes, even if I really like my future DIL.

Oh and the standard response to an engagement announcement is 'congratulations'. If she couldn't manage that, then she deserved a catty reply from the OP.

Oh and the standard response to an engagement announcement is 'congratulations'. If she couldn't manage that, then she deserved a catty reply from the OP.

I thiunk this must be for me.... I agree with you Karma but my point was that what OP says her MiL said could easily have been part of the congratulations, (though I could of course be wrong)

I blush to recall what I said to my DiL when she and DS told me she was pregnant. In my defence I was over the effing moon and didn't really know what I was saying and to her eternal credit DDil took it in the right spirit but my word she could have taken offence if she had already decided we didn't like each other!!

Well, here is just a selection of the wonderful things this woman has done over the years:

1, In the middle of an argument between her and dh, suddenly and very coldly announces that her son-in-law was a 'better son' to her than my dh. Lovely thing to say. Just wish she meant it so we wouldn't have to see her again.

2, 'Accidentally on purpose' put it around the rest of her family that I wasn't affected by the death of my gran (to whom I was very close and she knew it) and wouldn't be bothered by it.
Hence no sympathy cards from them.

3, Thought it her right to dictate where we put a lampshade. Got very unreasonably stroppy when we told her, nicely, that we would put it where we wished ta very much.

I can see where you're coming from. I have a son and would hate to feel any future dil was coming to see me because she felt duty bound and it had caused friction in their relationship. Hopefully we will get on well, I will make a huge effort as i know it can be a tricky relationship, but even if we're best of friends I wouldn't expect them both every single visit. I frequently see my parents without dp in tow, if he fancies coming he does, if not I go alone and it's no problem.

Ok OP you win. You both sound like hard work!

Time for for my bath.

1. Not about you.

1. Unpleasant action, but do you KNOW that's why you didn't get cards?

1. You made your point and got your way. Again, how does this make her dislike you?

My eldest son is watching The Simpsons sat right next to me as I type, he is eating an apple and giggling at the TV, I suppose I can't ever imagine the woman ( or man) he eventually loves not liking me, it makes me quite emotional.

I get on very well with my MIL, of course she has said and done things in the past I haven't agreed with but she is part of MY family and she is the woman who made my DH the man he is.

If you don't have dc yet, why not arrange the visit for mothers day... He can go visit his mother, you can visit your mother, and you are both 'doing your duty' for mothers day. (you mention family but not your mum so hopefully I'm not assuming wrong that you could visit her)

That way he can't say that his want for you to go with him trumps your want to see your mum.

Just out of interest - what is his relationship like with your family? How often does he visit them with you - does he like them and want to visit - or even feel left out if you visit them without you?

And do you think he wants you there for practical reasons - share driving, company on the journey, etc as well as diluting his visit to his mum which you previously mentioned!

I think he ibu if he expects you to go on every visit with him, I reckon you should occasionally volunteer to go with him (although obviously not this time!)

1. maybe it's true? you did say you and DH only see her a few times a year
2. that sounds horrid, how do you know? 3)is that really worth mentioning ffs? Who cares?

you sound quite nasty, spoilt and immature TBH

It's worth mentioning to express why I dislike her so much. I mean who in their right mind tries to dictate where another adult puts a lampshade in their own house? Honest to goodness. She went very sulky for a day because I wouldn't allow her to tell me where I could put a lampshade in my own house. Seriously, the woman is plain strange. A normal human being says: 'Well I think it would look nice there, but, hey, your call. You have to live with it'.
My dh had to talk her around in the end. Utter control freak that she is.

His relationship with my family is OK. But he'll sulk if he has to spend too much time with them. Maybe I should insist he spends the day with my parents. But I wouldn't do that because I like to have time alone with my family. As normal people do.

YANBU, I don't really see why we should be duty bound to visit the in-laws just because your dp is.

I am going to see my parents next weekend, taking 2 dd's with me but leaving dh at home, he gets on fine with them, but I like to see my parents quite often so he probably only comes on about 2/3s of the visits. Nobody is offended.

We are also supposed to be seeing his family the weekend after, just for lunch, we don't see them so often so I have been on every visit, but I am seriously considering giving this one a miss. I don't dislike them at all, but I have nothing in common with them and find it quite hard work to make conversation. I just feel like having a day off to be honest, no work and child free and I don't see why that should offend anyone if I don't go.

I don't really understand the 'suck it up' comments. I don't like cleaning toilet but I suck it up as it needs doing, but why should visiting the in-laws need doing everytime. I'm pretty sure my wedding vows didn't include you must do everything with you dp.

Gumby, I have zero intention of splitting from my dh (who I hope to be with for the next 40 years or so) just because I don't get on with his mum who, when all is said and done, will probably not be alive in 10 years time.

Not being harsh, but she is 74 now and chances are she has less than 10 years left (and that is if she is long-lived).

You are right. It is silly to be so controlling over a lampshade. And you won.

So be the bigger person.

Honestly, if that is really the biggest piece of evidence you can find as to why you shouldn't have a relationship with a member of your family, then you have led a sheltered life.

You are right - sometimes it is nice to see a parent by yourself. If that is really the reason that you think DH should go, then fine. I see my mum and dad by myself v occasonally (due to distance/logistics) but hopefully they know that is because of circumstance....not because their SIL despises them. (Which he doesn't, despite their occassional irritating ways.)

My pils and i don't get on and when i have posted on here people have said comments like, 'you shouldn't be with your dp as this will become a massive problem'. However, it is only a problem if you let it be. My pils are happy not to see me and the feeling is mutual. DP gets sad about it but he has had to understand that is the way it is.

I can understand those who are close to 'family' being surprised but we just aren't like that. So dp goes off once every other month and i get a weekend to see my parents (who do like dp but they don't have much in common tbh).

Having children will change nothing as pils wont want to have anything to do with them either.

OP i don't think yabu.

I'm not sure what wedding vows some of you made but my civil vows said nothing about inlaws and visiting regularity, it was all about my husband and I. Having been divorced and not seeing any of my exhusband's family after the divorce I definitely do not feel my inlaws are my family in the same way that my family are. They are my husband's family.
I like them but feel no obligations to them, I doubt my husband feels any obligations to my family, although he also likes them.

Do those of you who think it is unreasonable for a husband to ever visit his parents without dragging his wife along also drag your husband along every time you go to visit your mum, and would you consider it rude to visit your mum without your husband every single time?
Some of you live in parallel universes to me.

My wife doesn't like my mum. My mum doesn't like my wife. But everyone is very polite about it and it is all under the surface. Consequently MrsPD is reasonably happy to drive up to see my mum once a month. Having said that, if you guys openly don't like each other then UANBU.

Again Rebecca you make some very valid points (how reasonable are you????) and tbh I think those of us who are expressing distaste at OP's views are doing so not so much at the views themselves which as a stand alone are perfectly reasonable but the vitriol and stroppiness with which she expresses them (the bit about MiL being dead in 10 years tops, is just pure Kevin!)

Yes of course the wedding vows are about the man and wife and lord knows they are there to be broken but even so when you promise to share all that you are and all that you have I would have thought family comes into that somewhere. Of course it is unrealistic to expect to love your inlaws in the same way as your flesh and blood but you can at least try to treat them equally and with the same respect.

On a personal note, I doubt that my ddil and I will ever be great mates: without the family ties we just don't have enough in common, but the top middle and bottom line is, she is the(most fantastic) mother of my grandchildren and my son adores her and so by me she can do no wrong. I like to think she views our relationship in a similar light.

If you go, it will be worse for you and worse for mil but better for your dp. So it depends how much it matters to dp and how much you are prepared to support him.

My mil is ok, we don't hate each other but sometimes I don't go with dp on visits. He would prefer I always did.
Dp doesn't always come and visit my folks and none of us find it a big deal either way on that one.

I don't 'love' my MIL either but in this situation I would go.
The way I see it - for whatever reason - your dh would like you to go with him.

Of course it would be easier to not go but I would imagine if his mother doesn't care for your company then she would much rather have her son to herself for the day, and if you don't like her (and she doesn't like you) then why give her exactly what she wants?

Be the bigger person - you are the one willing to step up. You can do it!

Fwiw I don't believe every silver-haired 70 year old to be a sweet little old lady. I do understand where you are coming from.

Are you seriously wishing your MIL dead in ten years, OP? Your tone at the thought sounds positively gleeful. And given that many posters on here have infirm parents well into their 80s and 90s, I can't be the only one who finds your thoughts offensive.

Unless your DH is somehow unable to drive himself, he's the one who is being U in only seeing her a couple of times a year when she lives little more then an hour away.

And so what about a lampshade? Get over it. How hard is to say OK and then out it where the hell you please - she obviously won't ever be invited to visit to see it.

Even before I read your post about mil being dead in 10 years I was going to point out that she probably has another 20 years to go. Unless she eats unhealthily/ drinks/smokes or has some inheritable disease she will probably be with you for another 20+ years, yes, you will most likely still be wittering on about this 'problem' for another 20 years. If you have DCs you will be wittering on about the presents she did/didn't send them, the xmases she did /did't want to visit on, the time your DH has to spend helping her out, the ornaments she moved/ commented on/ disliked etc etc
I hope you enjoy it :)