Not going to see MIL. AIBU?

[clicarhel]

Dh and myself have been married a few years now (no dc's as yet). Anyway, his widowed mother lives 70 miles away so we only see her a few times a year (although in her early 70's, she is very active) when she visits us.
It is an open secret that we do not get on. She dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. We're too polite to actually say that we dislike each other but it is obvious.

Dh wants to visit her in the next few months. I suggested that given our mutual dislike, some excuse could be found so that he visited her alone (it would only be for one day. He can't tolerate her for longer himself!). I see it as a 'win-win' situation. He can spend time with his mum alone, we can have a break from each other, she doesn't have to see me and vice versa. But, no, according to him she would be 'put out' by my not being there.

I just don't get it. We can't stand each other. AIBU? If not, how can I get my dh to see sense? It wouldn't be something I avoided ALL the time, just now and again. After all, I've got to be here when she visits us at our home.

As the mum of sons I think I will be hiding this thread, is it just me who's thinking what about the poor 70 year old lady.

Good point Iggle. Don't get me wrong, I don't think MiL's happiness is the sole responsibility of her son let alone her DiL, but I am picking up something in the OP (I could be way offbeam) that the OP doesn't like her MiL and is just assuming that the feeling is mutual to assuage her conscience. Why would her MiL be put out by her absence if she really didn't want to see her?

If your husband always drags you along when he visits his mother and she really doesn't like you then I think he is the one being unreasonable here in not being prepared to give his mum any time with him alone. I'd like to think that even when my kids get married I'd sometimes get to chat to them without their spouses being there, in a more intimate manner.
Expecting you to always accompany him to his mother's is rather childish.

My last post X posted with your OP, which just screams from every line that you can't stand her and you may be justified but as yet you have said nothing to indicate why.

The God is she pregnant bit immediately struck me as someone who was hoping that it might be the case (and why not) and your comment about marriage being compulsory for pregnant girls in her day is just 24 carat cattiness! Well done you for biting your tongue!

Honestly I am really willing to be proved wrong: I speak as one who couldn't stand her first MiL but from this distance I really can't puit my finger on why!

and btw ditto what notymummy says in her last line!

She didn't say the MIL WOUL be put out, just that that was her husband's excuse for wanting her to go. I can't imagine why her MIL would be put out at having a day chatting to her son occasionally. She has said she will sometimes visit, just not every time.

One day you might be a lonely old lady whose family don't visit much. Just saying.

I don't know why the mothers of sons are getting so upset. In my experience DILs are much more likely to accompany their husbands when visiting parents than SILs are to accompany their wives. The OP isn't trying to stop her DH from visiting, just not always accompany him.

the day my FIL died, i realised what a silly childish idiot i had been. I regret that.

hopefully im not that immature any more

You make several really good points Rebecca and I am in no doubt that DH is being a tad U by laying a guilt trip on the OP, but equally I think she is BU by not agreeing to go, just this once. Think of the brownie points OP!!

I just don't understand why a mother would be put out by spending the day with her son without her dil present, either. I'm not telling my dh not to go which would be, I admit, be highly unreasonable of me.

I feel sorry for the MIL. :(

I like my mil. However we usually arrange for her to come and stay when I am working for a weekend (8 am-9 pm both days). Dh and I both have family and friends a few hours away and so we are often busy at weekends. Mil has made it clear that the main reason she visits is to see the boys. This way she gets to do that without me sticking my beak in and also has quality time with dh. I have a glass of wine and a chat when I get in both nights and a coupe of hours on mon am before she leaves.

I am sure she doesn't take offence at this and actually gets to spend time with the people she is most bothered about seeing. It doesn't have to be confrontational to not go! Having said that if dh wasn't happy with this arrangement I wouldn't do it.

YANBU but in your shoes for the sake of a day I'd go if dh wanted me to

I also agree with Rebecca that mil will probably enjoy a day with just her son whether or not she likes you! I have 2 boys and I certainly hope that them getting married doesn't mean I'll never be able to spend time with them on their own ever again!

That is a good point; if I am around every time we see her (if not at work), then she could be in a position where she never spends much time with her son alone again. The more I consider it, the more annoyed I am getting with my dh, fgs, why doesn't he do me and her a favour and go by himself?

I'd say go for your husband's sake if not for his mother's. A day every few months won't kill you

The more I consider it, the more annoyed I am getting with my dh, fgs, why doesn't he do me and her a favour and go by himself?

NOW you're talking!

If it turns out that the reason he wants me there is because he does not want to be alone with the bitch and he is fearful of her acid tongue -yes, he is a grown man, but some mothers are awful- then I will most definitely go.

If it's just some kind of stupid idea he has that she actually wants me there, he can go alone.

She is not part of 'my' family. She is my husband's mother.

Suck it up! Just be glad it's not more often. Fil comes every fortnight to visit dcs. He spends the visit saying how bonny the kids are, how much they've grown, criticising dh and complaining that kids use calculators.

He does my fucking head in and worse, dh isn't even home! I take the hit cos i,m on mat leave. Roll on July.

My DSIL and my Mum don't get on either. She just can't win, when she goes to visit Mum with DB my DM moans about what she does/doesn't do when she's there and if she doesn't go she gets moaned about for not making the effort So I guess my advice is to do whatever makes you and DP happier. If HE doesn't mind you not going then I wouldn't go.

Having said all that she IS part of your family now - like it or not!

She is not part of 'my' family. She is my husband's mother.

Now you've lost me again. Your wedding vows must have been a real hoot!

If I were the MIL I would be over the moon to see my son on his own!

Let's have the truth.
A son is special because it is great for a woman to have a man in her life whom she can love unconditionally..........

No I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I don't like the why I had to nip her plans for us to spend EVERY Christmas with her in the bud. How I was expected to forget about my own family at Christmas to spend it with my dh's all the time. No way. I had to put that one right.

And now it seems that I can't even get away with missing one measly visit. But that is down to my dh, not her. I'm just going to have a heart-to-heart to see if he is just nervous about being with her by himself. It could be that.

Won't say HOW the MIL shows dislike.

Says MIL's not part of her family.

MIL does all the running/visiting.

OP balks at a return visit.

OP is BVVVU.